My friends Twindaddy and Merbear and I often have Facebook conversations in the morning because we are productive that way. These conversations tend to go off on tangents. I thought I’d give a brief rundown of our topics so you can know how insane we all are.
Topic One: Racist Bread
This all started with the innocent mention of a sandwich on white bread and devolved from there. News flash: Wonderbread is Aryan. Rye, Wheat, Italian, French, Potato – no bread was safe from our discussion.
Topic Two: Holy Roller Movies
“God is Not Dead” is in theaters, but surprisingly does not star Kirk Cameron, who used to be cute and in Tiger Beat but is now a pscyho fundamentalist who talks about bananas. Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules, DOES star in the movie, as a professor. The professor in Gilligan’s island was kind of cute, but Gilligan was not. Twindaddy disappeared during this conversation so we wondered if we smelled which led to . . .
Topic Three: Deodorant
We discussed our brands of Deodorant, (I wear Lady Mitchum but Merbear is all Secret about hers) and I found this charming retro ad.
And we wondered why men were not so concerned about underarm b.o, and twindaddy said he was concerned, so I found this other ad.
We’ve decided that Twindaddy should use this stuff. Women will think he’s concealing 7-up under his pits and go wild.
Topic Four: Alice needs a post
And I had this bright idea! Don’t like it? Well, smell me.
For some time now, Monday has been my day to write reviews of the Books That Shall Not Be Named. While that series was excruciating, I never really had to think. I just read stupid crap and vomited on the page pretty much. But now I’m supposed to think of stuff. Or stuph, if you read twindaddy, and you should because that guy can think up posts like crazy. Also he’s a storm trooper, and they’re cool.
I’ve got Wednesday covered. Hump day is all about – get your mind out of the gutter – it’s all about exercise. Of various forms. Snort. Yoga is my current obsession and you’ll see more of that when we get to the hump. Day. The hump day. Crap.
I’ve had thoughts. Since Speaker 7 has the dating shows covered (read her reviews of the Bachelor, Bachelor Pad, Splash, Pad of Bachelors Splash, Stupid Barbies in Tiny Boxes, etc.) I thought I’d try to conquer reviewing shows on TLC. This station is chock full of total crap that just begs to be made fun of, or beaten with a bat. One of my favorite shows lately is My Strange Addiction. If you haven’t seen this show before, you really must check it out. There are people with some fabulous new diets out there. They eat toilet paper, deodorant, dryer sheets, tire pieces, cat hair (I’m not kidding about any of these) and much, much more!
But TLC was not satisfied with merely showing strange addictions. They decided make a totally new and original show called My Secret Obsession, which is about people collecting stupid things like Barbies and pigs. I haven’t seen them eat the stuff yet, but it’s still early in the show. Besides these interesting habits, they talk about women who produce babies like gumball machines, women who didn’t realize they contained gumballs, women popping one or more gumballs out in detail, and women who spend more time shopping for wedding dresses than most people spend on house shopping. Truly, this is the Learning Channel.
TLC isn’t the only station I’m fascinated with, for there is also Lifetime. They bill Lifetime as the network for women, probably because most of the shows are about women killing men, or men beating the crap out of women, and you know we gals just eat that kind of shit up! Often these shows are based on true stories of stupidity, crime, abuse, and general insanity. True = Educational.
And I’m sure there are more terrible books out there. Sure I could read actual good books, and I do from time to time, but where’s the fun in that? I’m waiting for the next E.L. James now. While I wait, I could come up with a parody. I’ve had one simmering in my mind a while. No real details yet, but I do have the main characters. Richard (Dick) Peen and Bambi Vagina. I’m thinking of setting it in China, since I know almost nothing about this country. What do you think?
Yes, I know I’m crazy, but that’s what I’ve got so far. So . . . what do you think? Let me know in the comments or shoot me an email (my addy is on my All About Alice Page). I’m off to have a deodorant snack.