In case you missed the first installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read. Now we continue . . .
Bambi here. SNIFF. I am SO SAD since I broke up with Dick Head on Sunday. Like, so sad there’s totally a vacuum in my head. I mean heart. And I am bereft which also means sad cause I looked it up in my thesaurus. I had to look up thesaurus too – turns out it is not a dinosaur. Anyhoo, those Holocaust guys have nothing on me because nobody has ever, ever suffered bouts of agony (thanks thesaurus!) like I have. Click to enlarge unless you like have super vision like Dick!
Even though I was SUFFERING, I still had to go to my new job. I work at the Kibbles to Bits Veterinary Clinic. My boss is named Frank N Stein. He has such an evil laugh when he cuts open animals that I can’t help but think of Dick and his spandex and his super sex powers and then I must keen quietly which makes the dogs howl at me. Bitches.
But then while I was playing Farmville on the company computer, I got an email! Zomg it was Dick Head! I said we couldn’t go out cause we broke up and I was going to see my ethnic friend Jesus’s finger paintings just as soon as I found a ride. Guess what? Dick Head said he’d drive me in the Batmobile! I’m not sure how he got it since he’s not really Batman, but who cares? Yay me! I am on cloud ten.
But like Taylor Swift says, we are never, ever like getting back together.
Dick Head and I are back together! It was so romantical! First we saw Jesus’s paintings (Psst he’s not the one from the Bible. I was confused too) and Jesus tried to pee on me to claim his territory (I think it’s a Mexican thing) but Dick beat him to it! You know what they say – golden showers bring May flowers!
After a night of passion in a giant vat of Jello, we went to a charity ball which is not a ball but a dance. He did give me some balls, though, to stuff up my hoo ha. He’s so sweet like that. At the ball I got to meet Dr. Mindbender, who is like the shrink he had in Arkham. Dr. Mindbender told me that Dick is not the Riddler pretending to be the Batman but actually Destro who pretends he is the Riddler who is thinks he is Batman.
I was so confused the balls dropped out of my hoo ha and exploded. Turns out they were vaginal bombs. I didn’t know they made those. He said he’s part of COBRA, a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Also that he bought the vet clinic where I work so he could control me. I’m so confused. I’m going to make a mixed tape and think about it tomorrow.
I am so upset! Just found out that Dick’s ex girlfriend who is some Baroness from like California is trying to kill me. I’m so scared. I mean, what if Dick is still in love with her? I’d be in a world of darkness again, like that time Kimberly Kardishipan accidentally locked me in the closet.
I went to work to try and forget about my ANGUISH but Frank Stein was all huffy because I didn’t show up to work yesterday. Also, I’m behind in my blow jobs. I didn’t remember that being in the job description – I guess it’s part of that “and other duties as assigned.”
At least I get to text Dick at work. He gave me this new iPhone (product like placement!) and we texted back and forth and back and forth. Like this:
Dick: Wear r u?
Bambi: @work i wan 2 do u!
Dick: B rite ther k?
I was really excited about that text and waiting for Dick Head to show up but then it wasn’t him – it was, like, the Baroness! She said “Hello Dahlink.” Zomg it was terrible! She was PRETTY! But then Dick Head showed up and she ran away. I was so scared Dick Head had to carry me home in a Baby Bjorn and sex me up a while with the batcuffs and the batflogger and some live cobras. Then I was so comforted and we cuddled and fell asleep.
I, like, totally woke up with Dick Head after falling asleep with him last night! He was all twisted around me like a snake. Then I realized it WAS a snake – one of his pet cobras from last night.
He woke up when I screamed and then we got all excited so we DID IT again! I love how Dick smells like Summer’s Eve and spandex and Dick. He is so hot and I am SO in LOVE and my split personalities danced around like toddlers.
But I had to go to work even on a Saturday! Like, so annoying! Dick said it was too dangerous to go to work. But I am totally an independent girl, just like Barbie, so I went anyway.
It was kinda weird, cause there weren’t any customers or pets or anything, just Frank N Stein. He wanted to put these little wires all over me and tie me to a table but I said NO cause only Dick Head can do experiments on me, I mean GAWD. I went back to the apartment I share with Kimberly Kardishipan. She’s totally off on vacation with Dick Head’s brother Shitt Head – I think he’s French or something.
But when I got inside there was the Baroness again! Zomg she looked even hotter than before! Also she had a gun! She started talking all crazy like, saying Dick was a terrorist and would probably totally kill me so I should run away. So she could get him herself I bet! No way!
But like a good neighbor, Dick Head was there! He said “Big Mac” and she just fell over. Turns out – she was a robot! From the future! I am just so confused. How did they make a robot so pretty?
I am so ANGUISHED again. Dick Head has his own robot, so why would he want me? I was sad enough to go to work, even though it was still like the weekend. Huh.
Frank N Stein was alone again! What were the chances? This time he didn’t even talk to me, he just strapped me down to this table and started pulling these switches and knobs and I got a little worried cause I was wearing my Ralph Lauren dress and it’s totally short and might show my butt and only Dick gets to see my butt. I texted Dick with my teeth (I’m good with my teeth).
Bambi: Hlp! Save me, k?
Dick: Bach Pad on – l8tr baby
Bambi: K. Tivo pls?
Frank N Stein put some thingys on my head and shot a bunch of electricity into my skull. It was far out. He said he wanted to make my synapses work, I think. I asked “What are synapses” and he cried like a big baby. When Dick Head came to save me, he was just sitting there saying “Why, why, why?”
Frank N Stein was totally fired so guess what? I am now the head vet! I did, like, surgery on this cat and removed some spongy thing – I don’t think it was important. Later I couldn’t find my Iphone, but the cat kept ringing.
Dick picked me up and said he had somewhere special to take me! Turned out it was the Fortress of Solitude which he said he got a good deal on when Superman left. He says he wants it to be our house and then he proposed marriage to me! Zomg!
I like, totally want to marry Dick, but he’s like this terrorist who pretends he’s the Riddler who thinks he’s Batman. I don’t have quite enough personalities to keep up with that. What to do? What to do?
Dick Head and I are, like, engaged! I am SO happy I could pee! He took apart the Baroness and shipped her back UPS and Frank ran away so he’s no worry anymore and Dick said he is totally quitting Cobra, that terrorist organization, and he’s not going to be a super villain anymore either. He is CHANGED by my hoo-ha! I mean love!
Stay tuned for my happy ever after, k?
Hi! My name is E.L. Ja . . . Bambi Vagina. I’m just your average stunningly beautiful 21-year-old college student in China studying to become a veterinarian. I’ve always loved kids, so it seemed like such a cute idea to cut them up! I live in this totally awesome apartment that is like better than anything you will ever live in so I don’t have to describe it. Think sandstone. There’s a lot of that. Bricks too.
My roommate is Kimberly Kardishipan and she is just so annoying cause like she lets me mooch off her but doesn’t appreciate it. Today I have to do some stupid interview thingy with this really hot rich guy cause she went and got sick. I told her not to eat Taco Bell. My life is so HARD.
I drove to his work in my car that is so hipster cause it’s old, right, but I love it cause I’m trendy and quirky. So this guy, his name is Richard Head, he’s really super rich and hot and works in this big building where he makes lots of money doing nothing. I think he’s like a congressman or something. Who cares? He’s hot. Remember that.
So I got to his work and there was this big sign that said Head Douchebag Incorporated Esquire and I was super impressed and you should be too. There was sandstone here too. Sandstone is big in China. He had secretaries that were blond which is kinda funny on Chinese people but whatever we’re talking about me here.
I walked into his office and “tripped” so that I showed my butt. This is a great way to meet guys. Kimberly Kardishipan gave me all these dumb questions to ask but he wanted to ask questions like where I lived and worked and my credit score and my social security number and my bra size and if I was into dungeons and being chained up and stuff. Then he offered me a job. This stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. Sigh.
I already have a job and they told me I had to come in if I want to get paid. Ugh. I work at a hardware store. Isn’t that quirky? A girl – in a hardware store? There’s like hammers here – I don’t get it. My life is SO HARD. Well, guess what you will never guess! Richard Head came to my workplace. How did he figure that out? He is super hot AND smart. ZOMG.
He asked for lime and a shovel and duct tape and rat poison and the other guys I worked with were super jealous cause everyone wants to have sex with me. It’s such a pain. They should know I’m super busy sleeping with my professors, I mean, gawd. So he spoke all creepy to me which really makes my motor run – get it? I said motor, and I’m in a hardware store! He bought that totally normal stuff and left in his helicopter.
Mr Richard Head asked me out for coffee at this pub in China! It was a really trendy place and they spoke American which is so much easier than when they do that chitter chatter stuff. He said I should call him “Dick” cause everyone else does so I said he could call me Bambi cause that’s my name and people call me that. Then he saved me from a Kamakazi jet plane by staring at it really hard and making it explode. It was way cool. Those Kamakazis. They’re everywhere. Cause it’s China.
I figured he would kiss me then but he didn’t. So I got sadfaced and drunkfaced with Kimberly Kardashipan at this other pub in Chinatown. My friend I string along pawed at me and Dick popped up. Dick Head, you guys. He was SO MAD that I went out with friends and got drunkies! Oh, oh.
I woke up this morning in Dick Head’s bed in his way big fancy super special dream house and he gave me Advil which only hot rich people take. And orange juice he squeezed with his own thighs. He is AMAZING but what does he see in sexy, gorgeous me?
I learned so much. Like that Dick is really Batman. I believe him cause he totally has his own Bat Cave with whips and chains, just like the real Batman. He took my pants off but it’s okay cause it was for science, he said. Then he started talking about me signing a contract to be his total sex slave and I got all woozy cause wow business talk is so bo-ring. But I guess it’s hard to find a date when you’re solving crime at night.
He got the contract off the internet so it was legit enough for me. It asked me to promise my soul and sign in blood which was kinda weird but at least I didn’t have to find a pen and I wasn’t really using my soul anyhoo. Once that was all over with he said we could have the sex and I told him I was a virgin cause I am. I mean except for all the sex I had.
It was so hot! He totally pulverized my “down there” with his Batman super powers! I zonked for a while and woke up and he was playing his xylophone and you guys – his cape hung “that way”. It was way hot.
Had lots of fun with Batman, shhh, I mean Dick Head. We scuba dived in his bathtub which is big as a swimming pool and has real sharks. I also gave him a BBJ (Bat Blow Job) and he was impressed since it was my first time and it was except for all those other times. He is so hot and sexy and hot and he’s a little bossy but I guess that comes from fighting crime. Also I learned that his mom was a crack ho and his dad was an emperor and they were both gunned down by this Joker guy in an alley one night. So sad. But then he had to go to work at his super important job.
He gave me stuff cause he’s so rich with all the money he got from his parents biting it and all. Like one gift was this strange thing he called a laptop, which I thought was a kind of dance but nope, it’s a computer! And it has this thing called email. Far out.
There was this graduation thing which was weird cause I’d totally forgotten I was going to school. But get this – it says on my diploma I can only cut up cats, not kids. Who knew?
Dick tells me I have to do everything he says cause he’s the Batman and the Batman knows best. Also if I leave he’ll have to kill me cause I know so much. Makes sense. Also, he needs practice for when he fights the bad guys, so sometimes I help him out with that by playing the bad guy. I stand there while he tests his super weapons like the bat flogger and the bat plug on me. It’s hot.
Guess what else? I think I might be a super hero too because I have all these other personalities. I think I’m gonna go with “Subconscious Goddess Twit” for a super hero name. What do you think?
I just realized Dick Head is not who he says he is. He’s not the Batman – he’s a super villain named The Riddler and wears this weird spandex outfit with punctuation marks all over it. But it’s okay, because he’s out of Arkham now and he’s just misunderstood and I’m sure with my love he will be totally reformed.
Tonight he’s having a party and inviting his friends over. This should be fun. I wonder if I should make some Chinese coffee or just order some Chinese food. Cause they make that here, you know.
That was NOT a fun party. Super villains are not very nice. They hung me from a rope over the pool with sharks while they ate their bean dip and laughed evilly. Then they smacked me with a bat like a piñata. Uncool. I decided I didn’t care if Dick is rich, I am so OVER him and his money and his hotness. I mean, that spandex, wow. No, no, I am better than this.
So I left him, I did, and then I cried and cried cause even though he’s a super villain, he’s really, really hot. Sigh.