Sorry for the delay, but the Game Makers have not exactly been concentrating on their duties. (Click to enlarge photos)
Anyway, after some quick wardrobe changes with their stylists – Elsa and the Fairy Godmother were worked pretty hard – it is time for the customary pre-game interviews.
First, let me introduce to your our host!
First up for an interview is Prince Eric from the Atlantis District. Let’s see what questions Hans has for him.
Next up is Princess Aurora from the Narcolepsy District.
After unloading Aurora from the couch, it was the second tribute from Narcolepsy, Prince Phillip’s, turn.
Moving on. Next on the hot seat are tributes from the French-ish district, starting with Belle.
After Belle finished her chapter, it was Beast’s turn.
And now time for the last interviews of the day : welcome the Clan Du -whatever district. First up is Merida.
Next up are the triplet tributes, Hammock, Hammich, and Hummus . . . or . . . whatever their names are.
Still 9 districts left to go! How will interviews go with the others? Anna? Aladdin? Mulan? Those other guys? Will we get to the killing and stuff already? Stay tuned.
. . . . . To be continued. These posts may last as long as the movies!
The Things and I were playing with Disney dolls and they decided to bring in the Hunger Games dolls. An idea was born. Intro by Thing One.
The Disney world was enjoying their happily-ever-afters when a new corrupted Disney executive came up with the idea of having the royalty fight to the death to bring back their popularity and get more money for the Disney Empire. Now the princes and princesses (mostly) find themselves facing life or death as they are chosen to fight in the new Disney Hunger Games. There can be only one survivor.
District of Arendelle
Kristoff and Anna
Pro: Kristoff can cut ice and command a reindeer. Anna can punch.
Con: Both are so gosh darn adorkable.
District of French-ish town
Belle and Beast
Pro: Beast can toss around wolves. Belle has book smarts
Con: Beast is confused because he was a prince then a beast then a prince then a beast again. Belle might trip over ballgown.
District of Neverland
Peter Pan and Tinkerbell
Pro: Peter can fly and sword fight. Tinkerbell can fly and is willing to murder her competition.
Con: Peter will never grow up. Tinkerbell can be taken out by saying “I don’t believe in fairies.”
District of Appleton
Snow White and Prince Dude
Pro: Snow White can summon cute animal creatures. Prince Dude can wake dead with kiss power.
Con: Snow White is the most gullible person in the universe. Prince Dude is kinda creepy.
District of Narcolepsy
Phillip and Aurora
Pro: Aurora can also summon woodland creatures. Phillip can fight a freaking dragon.
Con: Aurora is very sleepy. Phillip had to have fairy help with the dragon.
District of China-ish town
Mulan and Li Shang
Pro: Mulan and Li Shang can kick butt
Con: Their sequel sucked.
District of Blue Corn Moon
Pocahontas and John Smith
Pro: John Smith can jump off ships and climb mountains. Pocahontas has leaf powers.
Con: John Smith got taken out with one little bullet. Pocahontas steals cubs from bears.
District of Agrabah
Aladdin and Jasmine
Pro: Aladdin familiar with running for his life. Jasmine can act.
Con: Jasmine can’t even grocery shop. Aladdin lies and steals and – wait that’s a pro.
District of Atlantis
Ariel and Eric
Pro: Ariel is willing to risk lives for her own cause. Eric can impale a sea witch.
Con: Ariel still mastering the walking, talking thing. Eric is cute but falls for hypnosis way too easily.
District of Clan Dunbroch
Merida and Triplet brothers (count as one)
Pro: Merida can kick butt. Triplets can cause havoc.
Con: Merida not the most strategic planner (mom becomes bear). Triplets can cause havoc.
District of Disneyland Kingdom
Cinderella and Charming
Pro: Cinderella can handle a broom and command mice and birds. Charming can, um, dance well?
Con: Cinderella is way too nice. Charming can’t figure out his dream girl without a shoe.
District of Hairland
Rapunzel and Flynn
Pro: Rapunzel good with a frying pan. Flynn familiar with running for his life.
Con: Rapunzel obsessed with lanterns. Flynn lies and steals and – wait that’s a pro right?
Who will go out first? And how? Will the couples kill each other? Who will form the first alliances? And most importantly – who will be the one survivor?
Please give your guesses in the comments below. They are as good as ours.
. . . To be continued . . .
Okay, so the last post was like, serious and stuff, and that makes me really uncomfortable, so back to the stupid crap I usually post. Hooray?
Right, so the girls and I were watching some videos last night and there was this lady that did the entire song “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast herself – there are a lot of background singers in it. And then the tune was stuck in our heads. So we went around sing -talking everywhere. And we couldn’t stop. It was too much fun. Here’s the video so you can get the tune stuck in your head. Then look down for our samples of fabulous singing lyrics.
Oh WordPress editor
I hate you so much
Why can’t you be just like before?
With the boop boop beep bop crap
And the settings I don’t get
I really want to smash you into bitssss
Looook here I’ve found some lauuuundry
If I close my eyes it dis-a-ppears
Thennnnn I don’t need to do chores
Until I figure out I have no clothes to wear
Oh look I see that the trash can is full now
It’s time for you to take it out
Go and get your shoes
And dump out that old news
And don’t forget the liner this time Things!
Oh hey I think it’s time for prayer now
Your dad wants me to shut my mouth
But I really can’t give in
I know it is a sin
Maybe we could just sing the whole prayer this time?
Bonjour good night, It’s time for bed now!
Bonjour, good day, I’m wide awake
Why can’t I sleep when it is time to?
Now -I -know-I-will-be-tired-all-day
I want much more than this same old job!
But they don’t pay you just to be a sloooob!
And so on and so forth. The fun thing is that you can do it with any song. Since I have way too much knowledge of Disney songs, I’ll try another one, from The Little Mermaid “Part of That World”.
I want to be
where the cool kids are
I wanna see
Wanna see ’em gossip
Walking around like they’re
What’s the word? Jerrrrrrks
Got any song lyrics of your own? Want me to do more? Because I can and I will do it all day. I just don’t think I’m feeling well. You can ask me to shut up. But I’ll still spill my guts. Your only choice is to run from my blooog.
I know I still have like a week of that gratitude stuff left (21 days is supposed to be how long it takes to form a habit, but I do several at once and skip weeks so I’m thinking it’s not going to have the proper effects) but I’d rather talk about Cinderella because I can.
OMGORSH guys, I got to see a movie in the theater for the first time since the last Harry Potter movie came out and my husband had to see it on opening day for some reason so I needed to see this one on opening day because it wasn’t just Cinderella there was also a Frozen short before it that was going to be super cute and FROZEN so it was important to go on opening day.
The short was fun. Elsa plans a party for Anna but she gets a cold and snorts out snow boogers all over the place. No, really, that’s what happens. When I first saw the picture for the short, I was afraid that the snowman had somehow reproduced and I was really, really scared, but snow boogers are not so bad. I do have to wonder what would happen if Elsa had the stomach flu, or God forbid, Montezuma’s revenge. Lots of dirty slush? In other words, a typical day in New York?
But that was just a short (that produced more dolls in new outfits surprise shocker!). The main attraction was the live-action version of Cinderella. I wasn’t sure what to expect, having not been that impressed with Maleficent for reasons I’ll tell you in another review. I will say that Angelina Jolie makes a good evil fairy, but that’s not necessarily a compliment. I would have preferred her in greenish skin. More authentic plus entertaining.
Cinderella surpassed my expectations, which were pretty low, but I figured the guy was cute and ooh pretty dresses plus Helena Bonham Carter playing a quirky fairy godmother which is very different from when she played the quirky insane Bellatrix from Harry Potter, though they both had similar wands. Part me wanted her to just go completely insane and start transforming the entire place. Like if she could make a lizard into a footman (whatever that is) then why not make Cinderella into a lizard? Why? Because lizards can’t wear dresses, stupid, and the dress is where it’s at.
But there’s stuff before all of that. Like for instance you see her mother before she goes six feet under. Yeah, really! And her father too. They are really great actors and it makes you all teary even if they did seem to be just a touch too whimsical and perfect before they were axed. But then comes the evil stepmother, and may I say, I like her evil. Also the stepsisters and their constant ripping out of each others’ hair. They treat Ella (who one of the sisters nicknames Cinderella in a random fit of brilliance) like crap and they all cackle like freaks. You might think this is unrealistic if you haven’t been around real awful people; but I can assure you, they are spot on.
Cinderella is sentenced to live in the attic, but it’s far away from them, so she’s actually pretty happy about it. I love when people try to be nasty and it just makes the victim happier. Like when my Evil Dead Alien Soul Boss had me go shelf read books for hours and I would just sit there and daydream while the others did all the real work. As you can see, I identified a bit with poor Cinderella. I’ve had to put up with crap. I mean, my parents had me do chores, and I had an older brother who hung me from basketball goals (okay at my request but still who listens to a six-year-old?) and every little girl at least once pretends to be Cinderella if only to make people feel sorry for her and give her nice shoes.
The shoes are one of the better jokes (both Cindy and the prince are like wtf glass?) but as it turns out, they are really quite comfortable. Must be those Dr. Scholl’s insoles. Cindy be gellin’. I hate to give it away (SPOILERS ZOMG) but she does get to go to the ball in this freaking awesome carriage that I totally want for my very own. I would be stylin’ in the parking lot at work. She also has this incredible dress and he looks pretty hot too (and there’s a personality in that hotness!) and it’s fun to watch them dance around although my husband decided he needed to get up for what was apparently a 45 minute bathroom break spent playing with the claw machines. I can’t BELIEVE he got bored with this movie and was dumb enough to act on it. He did win a tablet, but trust me men, it’s not worth it because I am not forgetting about this ANY TIME SOON.
Wait, I got off track a bit. Let’s see, you might be wondering about the mice. No, they don’t talk, thank goodness. She does handle them an awful lot, which makes me think she’s a plague victim ready to happen, but it turns out okay. And oh yeah, the ball! That was fun, and then there’s a great scene where Cinderella asks her stepmother “Why are you so cruel?” And she answers “Because you’re so innocent, and good, and I’m . . .” Let’s fill in the blanks people! Starts with b, rhymes with itch! I kid, but this is the honest truth. If someone bullies you, that’s usually why. Because they are pathetic, wretched little people underneath all their glamour.
And that’s what strikes me most about this movie. Unlike popular sentiment, this is not an anti-feminist movie. She doesn’t need the prince to save her – his love is her reward for putting up with cruelty with hard work, dignity, and honor. She does her chores but she does not stoop to their level. And she doesn’t sit around the house because she is waiting for rescue. It’s her bloody house, and she doesn’t want to lose it. So she works hard, and she keeps the memories of her good times, something they can never take from her, inside. Her mother, before her death, tells her to “Have courage. And be kind. There is magic in kindness.” And so there is.
Disclaimer: No dolls were bought during the making this post
Last time on the Princesses of Disneyland County, the Disney princes were left to babysit the children at Kristoff and Anna Kristoferson’s house. Unfortunately, the game was on, so like how were they supposed to pay attention? Football, people, priorities. Also, these are princes. They aren’t used to actual work. (Click to enlarge photos)
The ladies came home to a bunch of crying kids and a big mess. But neither princes nor princesses wanted to deal with that fallout, so the kids were left again by the couples, this time with a babysitter, Skipper Charming. But Skipper was happier babysitting her boyfriend, Troy Beast, so the kids got a little rowdy yet again, jumping in the baby’s crib, digging in the trash, climbing in the oven, you know, the usual.
So what happened? Well, the Kristofersons want responsible kids, so they told the kids and their friends to clean up and left a babysitter, Skipper again because no one else volunteered, in charge. Skipper had broken up with boyfriend Troy, so surely stuff wouldn’t go quite so badly this time.
If you’ll notice in the picture, we’ve got Sven Kristoferson spraying his brother with the Windex as Izzy Beast cheers him on, and his sister digs Mommy’s cell phone out of her purse. Mulan’s daughter practices her headstand, Windy White vacuums up everything, including Kelly Charming who takes a nap in the dust pan, while Rosie Prince plays in the trash and the puppy pees on the floor. Oh, and no one watches the baby, though at least she’s in her crib observing the chaos this time.
Also, is that Cinderella’s shoe in the sink? She can’t keep up with that thing, can she?
Anyway, it’s almost like you have to WATCH your children to get them to do anything right. But hey, someone was supposed to be watching them. Skipper Charming! Where did that girl go? Why not check downstairs?
Kristoff gives him a proper goodbye while Anna scolds Skipper. They should be about as effective as her parents are.
So all’s well that ends well . . . no wait, that ended terribly, forget it. In case you wondered, yes we have made almost all of the dolls have children and named them all (if we can remember what we named them) as well as gave the parents last names and professions. Because we are totally creative and above the Wii, nevermind we’re currently not sure how to plug the Wii in.
We’ll introduce some of the other characters soon, like Belle who teaches little
devils elementary students. It seemed appropriate that she be a teacher. Ariel has a job at Sea World, naturally, and, well we’ll reveal the others as make them up.
Hope you’re enjoying our little soap opera as much as we are. If not, too bad, because we’ve got gobs of pictures left! Bwahaha!
I have developed a slight spending problem, which is really interesting since only a month ago I could hardly spend at all. I wouldn’t let myself buy anything, especially not anything possibly considered “frivolous”. There were times I’d leave entire carts of (non-perishable) items because I couldn’t bear to spend money on them, no matter what it was, and was too depressed to go return the items where they belonged. (Sorry Mecca employees.)
Now I get my best exercise going to big chain stores like Mecca, grabbing items on clearance (they often mark things down but don’t reflect it on the sticker) and running them over to the price checker. Total thrill when it comes up cheaper. If not, or I still don’t want to buy it, I return it right where it belongs, then grab something else. Rinse, repeat. When the price checkers aren’t working, I really don’t know what to do. I don’t like having an employee scan it, because they tend to not want to stay by a pole until you return with three more items. Did I mention the Abilify med I’m on makes me restless but also extremely active? To a somewhat psychotic point?
It beats being down, though, and I love it. But there is another issue. Seems my extreme self-control has been loosened, which is not that bad, except that I really have to watch it now when I add up the amount I spent on NEEDED merchandise for my online doll series that is watched by at least three people. Or my Disney / Barbie collection in general. I used to collect expensive dolls, so spending 100 and then nothing else for a long time was no big deal. But when you do it in increments of 10, 20, 30, etc, it’s like just eating one slice of cake. Then going back for another slice. And just one more.
On the plus side, not everything I want is in the stores, or at least, not at the right price. Unfortunately, there is INTERNETZ. And it’s even easier to just use your card and go CLICK and buy more stuff. Then you get packages in the mail and it’s totally like Christmas except after a while you sort of have to run home and hide the stuff so the others in your family don’t realize quite how much Christmas you are giving yourself in October and November.
But most of it I was saving for Christmas presents for my children. No, seriously, except that after a while there wasn’t much more storage space, and I had to admit that they hadn’t actually asked for a lot of it, though they’d of course like playing with it. So I’ve just started opening some of them so we could play with them now. That way Christmas is not so overwhelming. And what are toys for, but to play with? (Don’t keep them in the box! They suffocate! Have you not seen Toy Story???)
But even though I’ve never gotten us in the red, still I needed to curb the spending every day and I figured, what better way than a sticker chart? I got some stickers (Guess which kind? You will never guess.) and made it three whole days before I cracked this morning and bought this thing that had been out of stock for weeks but now it was in and if I didn’t buy it’d be gone in no time because everyone knows Mickey and Amazon have no soul.
My ten-year-old accountability partner will be so ashamed. I bet she gets her sticker for not having her bad habit today. Oh, well. I’m not sure why I feel worse about buying collectibles (even that sounds better than “toys”). I mean, aren’t most electronics technically toys, only with higher price tags? And who doesn’t have a smart phone or a tablet or an Xbox or something of that nature by now? Huh?
Do you guys have spending issues? If so, what is your weak spot?
I’ll get back on the spending sobriety wagon tomorrow I guess. I came up with a little ditty appropriately to the tune of “Let it Go”.
Let it go, Let it go
Don’t hold onto it anymore
Go ahead, spend your dough
You know you want to, oh!
Why do you care
What they’re going to say
The bank won’t foreclose
At least not until you miss some more payments . . .
I know I have medical bills
But those things are so dull
And the collectors they can’t do too much
If my wallet is now not full
It’s time for me to slow it down
To stop the spend merry-go-round
It’s okay to buy but not so much
Only guilt, only guilt!
You spent too much you git
Oh but hey, it’s okay
Perfection’s never possible anyway . . .
How may I bippity-boppity help you have a magical day?
Generally, if anyone greeted you on the phone like that, you’d slam down the phone. Unless you happen to be calling the Disney store. And yes, they really make their unfortunate customer service reps talk that way. The first time I heard it I actually snorted, then had to remember what it was I had called about – oh yes, my slight Disney obsession.
Bad word, Disney, bad word. You are so evil, but you’re so freaking cute about it.
What has, quite possibly, trumped the Tickle-Me-Elmos and dare I say it – the Cabbage Patch Kids in the case of THE TOY YOU MUST GET THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO EXIST EXCEPT IN TEASING PICTURES?
Frozen. If you haven’t heard of this movie, I really don’t know where the heck you’ve been – under a rock? Or a troll? You’d get that if you’d seen the movie. I can’t believe you haven’t seen this movie. Do you realize that a woman actually left her husband because he didn’t like the movie? Yes she did. This is like Twilight hysteria and THE TOY hysteria combined into some big mass of insanity which normally starts with children but can quickly spread to adults.
But why? What is so freaking great about this movie that Disney has run out of merchandise faster than they can make it (and you KNOW Disney wants to make money). I have a few ideas.
First off, why do kids like it? That’s easy – there are two princesses, and one of those princesses has a sparkly dress and can shoot icicles at your eyeballs. Also, there are songs. And kids love to sing passionate Broadway-style songs until your brains start to ooze out of your ears.
They also like toys of these princesses, especially the one with the power to kill people with snow cones. And they want them yesterday.
As far as adults go, they just want their kids to shut up already. At least at first. Then, somehow, it starts to become a challenge. Finding the elusive Elsa (she’s the icicle killer) doll, especially. By GAWD, you think, I am gonna do it if it’s the last thing I do because Disney is SO not going to beat me. And no way do you want to give in and spend 300 bucks on a plastic doll that retails at 20 bucks because a bunch of scalpers with dead alien souls bought them all up and are selling them on ebay and amazon. Nope, not gonna happen.
Of course, I’m fortunate in that, while my kids love this movie, they are able to understand supply and demand. Try telling that to a three-year-old. It’s not easy, but it can be done. You shout “NO YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE FROZEN STUFF!” and then lock yourself in your bedroom until the craze has passed. Easy. Believe it or not the child will not die from not getting the Frozen Elsa Deluxe Costume (retail $99.00 at the Disney Store – RETAIL at $99.00) immediately.
Almost a year after the movie’s release, Disney is finally beginning to catch up with demand. But how did this mess even get started? In truth, Disney wasn’t actually trying to create the insane demand that your average Xbox release brings with it. The last few movies had been moderate successes, and they still had toys lying around. Ever look for a Rapunzel doll (from the last Disney movie Tangled) and you’ll find her immediately, and cheap too. They had no clue that this movie would be such an incredible blockbuster.
But that’s not all. There is a reason, beyond the pretty princesses, and the cute, hard-to-find merchandise that can turn any parent (including me) into something akin to a drunk gambler wanting just one more hit. It’s the movie itself, and its beauty, and song, and message.
Really? All that from a Disney movie?
Yes. I’ll tell you more in The Frozen Effect, coming up next.
Note: If you can’t wait that long, copies of the next post are available for 20 dollars, no 1,000 dollars RIGHT NOW. Limited copies. ACT NOW!
P.S. I just found Frozen designs on frozen cookies at the grocery store. WTF.
Hey, a male protagonist that doesn’t wear tights in a Disney movie ? You betcha. We’ve got a movie with Robin Williams, great songs, a good villain, some action, the required romance with a girl who is not a complete moron, and Robin Williams.
In the opening song, a street vendor sings about the land he comes from saying “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face . . . it’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home.” Peeps got mad, so in the video, they ended up having to dub the line with something that wasn’t nearly as funny as hand chopping. Killjoys.
Anyway, we start with the villain Jafar. He is trying to get this magic lamp out of this far out cave made of sand. At least he’s smart enough to send in someone else first, and the guy tries to grab something besides the lamp, which triggers the cave to collapse. Jafar and his bird Iago – of course there’s a freaking animal sidekick, played by Gilbert Godfrey of all things – are not pleased. Having to hear Godfrey’s shrieking voice for an entire movie -and through the mouth of a parrot at that –was true Disney cruelty. Anyway, the cave tells Jafar to seek the diamond in the rough.
Next we meet Aladdin, resident street rat. He’s a thief but as he says “I steal only what I can’t afford. That’s everything.” He and his monkey companion Abu – of course he has an animal sidekick – get chased all over by fortunately stupid guards. When they finally get a break to eat, they see starving children and Aladdin hands over his bread. I like how the monkey shoves most of his in his mouth really fast.
Then comes our heroine Jasmine, who is out in the gardens with her – sigh – animal sidekick, a tiger named Rajah. Her father, another of those short, weeble-like men that somehow produced a gorgeous daughter, is trying to marry her off and she’s ticked. I don’t blame her, considering her father is a total moron who is being controlled by the snake on Vizier Jafar’s staff. She decides to run away, and the tiger boosts her up over the palace walls which really weren’t all that high. Security fail.
Of course Jasmine doesn’t have a flipping clue about how real life works (let them eat cake!) so she fairly quickly finds herself nearly getting her hand chopped off for taking an apple. They didn’t cut this out of the movie. Moving on. Aladdin helps talk her way out of it, explaining that his poor sister is crazy. Jasmine obliges and says “Hello, doctor” to a camel.
They run away and Aladdin leads her up to his hideout that overlooks the city, and they talk about how both of them are miserable. Jasmine because she’s beautiful and rich and might have to marry, and Aladdin because he has no home, no parents, no food, and hangs out with a possibly rabid monkey. I’m thinking Aladdin has it slightly worse than Jasmine here.
Jafar hypnotizes the Sultan and gets his blue ring which he uses in some plot device to find this diamond in the rough who is, surprise, Aladdin. He sends guards to arrest Aladdin, but Jasmine pulls out the old “I’m the royal freaking princess” trick. The guards say they are acting on Jafar’s orders, take her and arrest Aladdin anyway. Aladdin is tossed in prison, and Jafar tells Jasmine he had him executed. Jasmine is upset because like, he wasn’t a jerk or a moron like most of the people she knows.
Meanwhile, Jafar disguises himself as a freaky old guy and gives him a get out of jail free card in exchange for helping him get the lamp out of the freaky cave. He’s told not to touch anything but the lamp. But Aladdin’s stupid enough to bring the monkey. D’oh. Aladdin finds yet another sidekick, a flying carpet, who is sort of alive, in a rug sort of way. Good thing because the monkey – reason #5,000 to hate monkeys – grabs a giant jewel and the cave gets all bitchy and starts to collapse.
The carpet scoops up Aladdin and monkey and cue Indian Jones scene! Crap is fallin’ everywhere but they make it to the entrance where Jafar tells him to give ‘em the lamp. Aladdin starts to do so when Jafar produces a knife and finally monkey comes in handy and bites him (Hope Viziers can counteract rabies!) and he drops both Aladdin and the lamp into the cave as the sand washes over them.
But all is not lost, except Aladdin’s place in the movie, because he rubs the lamp and ka-bam, out comes Robin Williams. Er, the genie. Also an awesome musical number, “You Ain’t Never Had a Friend Like Me.” So true. I want a friend that grants me freaking wishes. Where is my genie friend, life? Aladdin says he wants out of the cave and the genie transports them out into the desert. Aladdin then informs him he still has three wishes because he didn’t actually wish to be out of the cave, the genie did that himself. Oh, snap. Aladdin is the first lawyer in Agrabah.
Aladdin asks the genie what he would wish for, and the genie says, duh, freedom from granting wishes to schmucks like you. Aladdin promises to use his third wish to set the genie free. The genie wisely doubts this one. Aladdin then wishes to be a prince, so he can win Jasmine, who is clearly so interested in riches and princes since she ran away to the marketplace. But Aladdin’s a guy and clueless. Genie makes him into a prince.
Back at the castle, Jafar is trying to con Sultan Weeble into letting him marry Jasmine so he can be Sultan. But he’s interrupted by the second awesome musical number “Prince Ali”. Aladdin shows up with elephants, dancing girls, swordsmen, a menagerie of animals, etc etc. Jasmine rolls her eyes and is all “what-ev-ah”.
Aladdin literally bursts into the castle on an elephant that used to be his monkey. Don’t ask. He and Jafar argue over who gets to have Jasmine, like she’s an Xbox. She says “Oh no you did-n’t”. So Aladdin has to figure out some other way to con her. The genie suggests the truth, but Aladdin is like, heck with that crap, and brings out the magic carpet. Girls dig nice rides. Jasmine is no different, and they take off together on the carpet in another musical number “A Whole New World”.
Aladdin gets back and boom, Jafar has his minions attach him to a heavy rock and drop him off a cliff. Genie rescues him. Jasmine is really impressed with the carpet – I mean Aladdin – and says she’ll marry him. Remember guys, always have a nice ride! Just one problem: Al has no idea how to be a sultan. Of course, neither did Jasmine’s dad, but Al is actually worried and tells the genie he can’t free him like cause he’ll need him later. Jerk alert.
But then Jafar gets suspicious of him, and the bird spies on him and finds out oh oh he’s using the lamp and steals it for Jafar. Stuff gets real, and Jafar wishes himself Sultan and has the genie kick out Aladdin to the ends of the earth during a fit of redecorating. Aladdin hops on the magic carpet and flies back. Maybe Jafar should have checked to see if he had a flying rug first. Oh, well.
Jafar is having a much better time with the lamp than Aladdin, cause he’s already dressed up Jasmine like an Arabian Princess Leia complete with chains. Then Jafar asks the genie to make him a sorcerer and he and Aladdin are fighting while Jasmine is busy drowning in a giant hourglass full of sand. Then Aladdin encourages Jafar to ask to be a genie and the genie is like, you moron, Aladdin, but he was actually thinking. Cause the guy had giant cosmic powers, but was able to be sucked into a lamp and stored.
So the genie puts everything back like it was and Jasmine knows that Aladdin’s been lying to her this entire time but he’s cute and did save her life so what the heck, she’ll still marry him. Aladdin frees the genie and THE END except they made two sequels nobody watched.
But what is the story BEHIND the Disney tale? I admit it had been a long time since I’d read any other version of Aladdin, so I googled it and came upon this totally whack translation of the original and there is just too much cray cray for me to talk about it in this already long blog post. I’ll talk about that in the next post.
So what did you guys think of Disney’s Aladdin? Stay tuned next time for the botched up story of Pocahontas!
I remember when I first watched “The Lion King” in the theaters. The intro was amazing, with that camera spanning the African wilderness, and all those animals bowing, and the African chanting in the background. Of course, now I cannot listen to the chanting without hearing what a friend of mine heard it as – “Llama, llama, penguins in pa-ja-mas . . .”
And that’s just the beginning. While all those animals bowing is pretty cool, it now strikes me as a bit odd that the monkey goes and holds up the baby from the cliff. That’s a long freaking way down there. I mean, yeah, they’re announcing the birth of the new prince, or in the case of the audience, the next guy that will probably eat you. Which has to be partly why they’re all there – on the off chance the monkey drops the cub, they are gonna have some good eatin’ tonight.
And another thing, sure it’s cool when that monkey does it, but somehow this reminds me of another celebrity who did not get such good press for dangling his baby over a great height.
But enough of the intro, baby Simba quickly becomes an obnoxious little cub that makes “The Little Mermaid” look like the best child ever. He’s the prince and he knows it, and he’s gonna make sure everyone else does too by abusing his authority left and right – aws. And just like in “The Little Mermaid”, Simba’s dad has some flunky, this time a bird, keep an eye on his kid, knowing full well this flunky not only has no real authority over the prince, but stands a good chance of being EATEN by the prince should he ever get a bit peckish. And they act like Mufasa is such a great king.
Anyway, Simba has a song about how he “Just can’t wait to be king” and I find it incredibly ironic that the elder Simba is voiced by Matthew Broderick of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” fame, because I can’t help but see Ferris in this scene. And just like with Ferris, I really want to kick that little cub. Oh, but Alice, he’s just a kid! Yeah, and there’s a really good reason I decided not to be a teacher. I don’t tend to like the majority of children, with obvious exceptions, because they are, well, children.
Anyway, we soon meet Scar, Simba’s uncle, voiced by Jeremy Irons, automatically making him the most awesome character in the movie. He resents the heck out of his older brother, and no wonder, since Mufasa actually means “king” whereas Scar means, well, scar. That sucks. So just cause he’s a little younger, Scar gets nothing while Mufasa gets this entire harem, something Disney kind of glosses over, but let’s face it. All those lionesses are not doing Mufasa’s taxes, if you get my drift.
Scar decides it’d be fun to get rid of the little punk, and I can’t say as I blame him. He begs him not to go to the Elephant graveyard cause it’s oh so dangerous. Naturally Simba decides to go, just like Scar knows he will, and he takes his good pal Nala along.
Oh, Nala, there is so much to this dynamic too. Remember how I said Mufasa has this whole harem? Well, Nala’s mom is a part of that, and we never see her Dad, so that must mean that Nala is also Mufasa’s kid. Yet they’re engaged to be married. So Simba’s supposed to marry his half-sister? No wonder the two are disgusted by this idea.
Simba and Nala go to this spooky graveyard, and nearly get eaten by Scar’s pals, a group of idiot hyenas, once again reinforcing the “evil can never get good help” stereotype. Mufasa comes in and rescues the two just in time, and then has a talk with his son about how he’s one day going to rule and how that means his subjects will both serve him and be his meal tickets, but that’s okay because . . . circle of life?
Meanwhile, murder attempt #1 has failed and Scar decides to tell his cronies about how they should “Be prepared” for him to take over and what that’s going to entail. At one point we see the hyenas goose stepping and dang, Disney is really going for the evil now. This is my favorite song of the movie, because I guess I’m just sick that way.
Scar comes up with another plan, that is, leading Simba out to a valley and then getting his pals to stampede the Wilderbeasts over the mountain. Talk about your overkill, but I guess Scar wanted to make sure someone really got smashed this time. And it works, because Mufasa again comes to Simba’s rescue, but is unable to escape himself, mostly cause Scar knocks him off the cliff instead of giving him a paw up, saying “Long live the king.”
So Dad’s dead, and there’s Simba trying to get him to wake up cause he realizes that oh man, he is REALLY gonna be grounded now, when Scar helpfully arrives and asks “Oh, Simba, what have you done?” Gawd, I love Jeremy Irons. Oh, where was I? Right, he gets Simba to believe that he is at fault for his Dad’s death, and that he’d better run away before anyone finds out his crime. It works, and Simba runs, and then Scar makes another mistake. He sends his minions after Simba to finish him off. Wrong, wrong, wrong, Scar. Of course the hyenas give up after a while, figuring there’s no way the cub will survive out in the wilderness alone.
But Simba is of course discovered by pals Timon and Pumba, a meerkat and a warthog. Timon gets the idea that if they get Simba on their side now, when he’s a big lion he’ll totally protect them. So they befriend Simba and show him how to eat bugs. And this is where I gotta say, yeah right. There’s no way a lion’s gonna grow up healthy on bugs. At some point, he had to have seen Timon and Pumba as two plump pieces of meat. Hey, “Hakuna Matata” means no worries guys, so you probably won’t mind if I snack on your entrails?
Sorry, I might have gotten a bit too violent there. Simba grows up a lazy goofball while back home Scar runs the kingdom into the ground. He’s not so good at balancing the whole eating certain subjects while keeping enough to still serve you thing. Also he somehow managed to cause drought, which is pretty impressive for one lion.
But Simba, Timon, and Pumba are having a great time, staring up at the stars and making lots of fart jokes. There’s even an entire song revolving around farts. But eventually Nala has to show up and ruin all his fun. She’s shocked to find Simba alive, and naturally assumes Simba’s gonna wanna come right back and defeat Scar when she tells him how he’s let the place go and stuff.
So now we come to the love song, and this is why I don’t normally get into the animals playing human parts bit. It just kind of gives me the heebie jeebies. I felt the same way in Disney’s “Robin Hood” where the parts of Robin and Marion are played by foxes. Simba and Nala are even worse, staring into each others eyes, and then at one point Nala licks him and does this “come hither” thing and I start thinking of Wild Kingdom and my brains screams “OMG please say this isn’t happening!”
Thankfully they stop there. Simba’s all, I am not going back there cause I’m a failure (well, sort of true) and then Dad appears in the clouds and tells Simba in his giant Darth Vader voice to get off his lion butt and go do what he’s supposed to do. Then the monkey shows up, and hits him on the head, and Simba decides to return home and confront his uncle.
Simba and Scar have this big battle, and it looks like Scar is gonna win, but then he stupidly misplays his hand saying “I killed Mufasa.” Oh, whoops. This gives Simba the strength to keep fighting and, you’ll never guess how Scar dies. Yup, another plummet death. I never saw that one coming, did you?
Anyway, all is happy and Simba and Nala get married (cue banjos) and have a cub of their own, and the monkey once again dangles the baby up over the cliff and boom, the end.
Now as for where the Lion King originated – it’s fairly well known that the Lion King is loosely based on Shakespeare’s Hamlet. In Hamlet, the king is murdered by his brother, who then marries the king’s wife, and the prince has to make up his mind about confronting his uncle. Oh, and you get ghost dad there, too. That all makes sense. But, you might not know that Disney also totally freaking ripped the movie off of some Japanese anime entitled “Kimba the White Lion”.
I know this because, naturally, I get all my real news from “The Daily Show” and Cracked.com. Check out this link, again from Cracked.com. It’s unreal how completely shameless Disney is in its ripoff. They weren’t even trying to disguise it. Shaaaame, Disney, shaaaame.
So ends the tale of the lion king. Stay tuned for our first human male lead in a Disney film, Aladdin.