I know things seem kinda dark right now, what with a rabid toddler in the White House. It’s like Richie Rich took over, and the rest of the White House staff has to race around cleaning up his messes (not potty trained yet) and providing him with everything he wants, when he wants it, no matter how insane it is. They also have to explain his actions away like “Well he needed his nap” (one of his people actually said he crank called all those foreign leaders because he was “tired”) because they can’t admit that they are really, really bad parents. If any of you have been parents, or have even known a toddler, you realize that these tiny people are not sane. You have to spend most of your time keeping them from killing themselves. With the president, you have to keep him from killing everybody else. Haha, yeah I’m not kidding. He knows nuke codes, you guys. Nuke codes in the hands of a toddler. If that doesn’t scare the crap out of you, I don’t know what does.
Now I’m not saying he’s going to nuke us all, but he COULD, and really that’s like just giving your toddler a box of matches. We don’t know he’s going to burn down the house. Maybe he’ll just eat them. But they are there, and they really, really should not be around a toddler. Like paint chips. I bet there were golden paint chips near the Donald when he was young. Explains so much.
So how do we deal with this? He’s here, he got elected (How? Just how?) and we have to deal with him in a peaceful manner. I found some great products to help us do just that! Click to Enlarge the Fun!
Trump Voodoo Dolls
This is great. It is so great. Really great. A cheeto with pins in it. I laughed and laughed and laughed. A strange part of me actually wanted to buy it from Ebay. But that would have kept this amazing image away from others. It’s a great marketing strategy. Imagine, an entire bag of voodoo dolls, just waiting for you. And when you’re done, you can eat him. Don’t worry, unlike the original, these are not toxic. Oddly enough, no one paid 3 bucks for a cheeto (I was a little surprised by this) but the seller promised me to relist. We had an interesting conversation about Cheeto here. The seller does not like Cheeto (in case the pins didn’t clue you in) and is hoping it goes viral. Do your part to make it so, guys! Here is the link, which is hopefully updated with a relist soon.
Now some of you may be saying, sure Alice, sticking pins in my snack food is fun and all, but it’s not that sturdy. Plus I’m not sure if I’d doing the voodoo right. Don’t we need to have a doll with some pins to make black magic? Never fear, there is an answer for this as well, and it’s also on Ebay. I ordered one for myself and hope to test it soon. The pictures in the advertisement, though, are very informative.
Yes, that’s right, a genuine voodoo doll, I’m sure of it due to my tireless research (tireless because I did none) . It’s a doll, it looks like Fart (that’s UK for Trump) and you can put a pin anywhere you want. There are so many places. So many. Now I do not advocate actually harming the president, I mean he’ll probably eventually do that himself by ticking off the wrong person. But hey, if you put a pin in his eye, and he happens to get an eye boo boo – that’s hardly your fault. I mean, stuff happens, right? Like the following on the advertisement:
Speaking of furry friends, it seems a shame to leave them out of all the fun. They can smell stupid, and they want to help their owners out however they can. Or, at least, they really like tearing stuff up. Just like Senor Cheeto! That’s why more marketing gurus, this time on Amazon, came up with this.
Trump Cat Toy
Cats come runnin’ for the good taste of Trump! Especially when he’s loaded with drugs, er cat nip. You’ll notice that there is a version for cats and dogs (the dog one comes with a squeaker), and also a variety of politicians you can choose for Fluffy. I’m not sure that Hillary Clinton needs anymore punishment, as she lost to Cheeto here, Bill is just tired, and Bernie is stuck questioning Cheeto’s cabinet contenders which would lead anyone to bang his head repeatedly against his desk. That can’t be good for a guy that old. Our Favorite Russian, Putin, is awesome, though.
Another great thing about these pet toys is the reviews from creative Amazon customers.
But Alice, you might ask, how can you really know how good these products are without testing them? Well, never fear, for I have both the Trump voodoo doll (the cloth one, not the cheeto though I’d be happy to buy a bag for the sake of research), and the cat toy on order. We don’t have a regular cat, but we do have Hazel the stray cat, who graces us with her presence when she wants food. Sometimes she even acts cute about it, but we all know she’s really evil. Still, I hope she loves the doll as much as the other cat customers must, since it’s on back order at the moment.
Donald Trump SqueezeEZ Big Head Collectible Stress Ball
And finally, last but not least, we all need a way to get rid of stress these days. Ripped off the head of your stress ducky? I did once, and the church ladies’ retreat director gave me a funny look when I said “Look, he’s got a tracheotomy”. Some people have no sense of humor. I got another duck, though. Where was I? Oh, right, next up, the Trump stress ball.
These kinda scare me, and we’re talking about me here. I haven’t dared buy one yet. Maybe I’ll put some orange fuzz on my stress cow, donated graciously by Thing Two who told me not to rip off its head. Everyone’s a critic. But if you order one of these squeeze heads, you might get lucky and receive the coveted gold head. It’s still filled with air like the others, but special.
That’s all I have for now! When I get my other products, I promise to show my own personal review with the help of Hazel the cat, my Things, and a bunch of sharp stuff. I’m sure they will push me into it, no matter how Sad Pony I get just because the president wants to invade Australia, or whatever. Also look out for Sim Trump. It’s been a while since I wrote my posts on Boppo the Clown (search for Boppo in my search box if you’re extremely bored and hate clowns), but now I have The Sims 4, which allows you a lot more customization on characters. So, for instance you could make one fat with orange hair. Not sure if I can make him orange yet, but I’ll let you now. I can also give him lots of new awful character traits, like insane.
Stay tuned, and if the world gets you down, do that voodoo that you do so well.
First off, a quick thank ye to all those who are still following and maybe even reading me, and those who just started following, liking, commenting, etc. I even thank you weirdos who left me the bizarrely critical comments cause gosh you’re fun. I haven’t been writing as much, but I’m hoping to pick up on this because the counselor says it’s good to get out my Alice Rage in other ways than, say, strangling a coworker because MY GAWD he is STILL slamming the stapler from what seems like a distance of 10 feet so that it goes KABAMMMM and I jump out of my seat. #bekindtostaplers
I just had a relaxy moment. Back now! Yes, now that I’m relaxed I should discuss what’s happened so far in my world. I got knocked down, but I got up again, you ain’t never gonna keep me down so give me some booze and I will piss the night away. Or something. And in world news, our new president continues to do in just a few weeks what it took a couple of years for George W. Bush to do – make every country hate us. He’s been all crank calling foreign leaders askin them what his job is, puttin’ em on notice, threatening war – what a hoot. He even picked on Australia. You know – all those Australian terrorists with their suicide bomber kangaroos. No one ever sees that coming.
I kind of wish President Cheeto would quit doing that. You know – talking. And tweeting. And – making that face, just stop, stop now. But there is one thing I have to give Trump – he’s making people learn more about government right along with him. For instance, presidential cabinet positions keep getting filled, and for the first time people are caring because we’re wondering if he will literally put a Schnauzer (as long as it’s rich and white) in one of the seats. We just got a Secretary of Education who knows nothing about children, public schools or, uh, education since she failed her exam massively during try-outs.
I first learned about this via my regular news: comedy shows, but I wanted to learn more so I actually watched the real clips. Bernie Sanders, Al Franken, Tim Kaine (remember him? Hillary’s VP pick? He’s actually pretty good), and Elizabeth Warren just bullied poor Betsy with crazy questions like are you for equal education for all, or did your family donate a few hundred million dollars to the Republican party, or what’s a school? “I’ll study that!” she says, which is probably the first time she’s promised to study anything at all. Al Franken said “I’m surprised – no actually I’m not,” which was
absolutely hilarious totally out of line! I might have watched the clips of them torturing her several times on youtube. Education can be fun!
We also learned that banning a huge group of people from coming to our country (no matter how legal they are) based only on religion and nationality is ding ding ding against the constitution! And federal judges – we have those! – have blocked it, for now. We learned more about executive orders, like how a big wad of bacteria can sneak himself onto the nations’ security council by just slipping that in along with something else stupid, like building a wall to keep people of another nationality out because they are all bad hombres who sell drugs and rape and murder people.
Also we got educated that there is no such thing as terrorism by white people. I am so relieved.
Soon I’m sure we’ll learn more about foreign relations by going to war with them, as we have with past presidents, only this time it won’t take as long. This learning is hurting my brain, and I’m exhausted already, and we aren’t through the first month yet. And it’s not just us. Other countries are also getting tired of all this education. So I have a solution. We move, but not to Canada (I’m sure you guys are next on the terrorist watch list, hide yo wives, hide yo kids). No, we’re going to Nanalan, a place Thing Two introduced me to, and which we have had endless fun with, in spite of this show supposedly just being for children. It acts as a kind of natural tranquilizer, like Bob Ross, only with puppets. Take a look!
But wait, there’s more. Like there’s an adventure with “a Lolly”! I’ll show you in other posts. Yes, we have no idea what Yoda’s love child here is saying, though props to the person for attempting to translate, but words no longer make sense in the real world either, so why here? I’ll be with puppets eating peepos if you need me.
P.S. I have been very bad about going through my reader – it takes too much from my tiny hamster brain. So if you will leave me links to you recent posts right here, I’ll read them and try to catch up. Peepo.
You know, I said to myself, I said, “I am not going to deal with this whole political thing anymore. Nope. I can’t. I have my own problems like depression, anxiety, disease of the week, parasites, laundry, etc. So I am just going to Let it Go. Yeah, staying out of it. I mean, sure, he’s an idiot, but you know – how much could he really do?”
I’m a snarky, sarcastic cynic who likes to brag about her dark soul, and yet somewhere, deep inside, there is this stupid thing called . . . optimism? There is. It’s there. My counselor told me about it. She said, “Alice, you are a cynic, but you still hope!” And she’s right. I do! Even though I absolutely know that people are awful, I, for some reason I’m still not sure of, continue to think people are basically decent humans. I just . . . assume this in spite of increasing evidence to the contrary. I’ll give you an example.
For roughly the length of the 2016 political race, I was working on an exhibit about the presidents of the university for which I work. Yes, more presidents. Most of them were okay. But we did have a Trump. His name was even the same as an insect. No one could get rid of him, though, because he had Congress and the Senate, er, the board of regents on his side. Even though just about every faculty member hated him, and voted to have him removed, he stayed. For SIX YEARS that luckily I was not at that university, he stayed. Yes, it’s true. I got to write about him, too, but because one member of that board of regents is still active politically around here and because it’s considered uncouth and embarrassing to admit that this guy effectively shut down academic freedom at our university, and heck, freedom of speech, I had to spin doctor this biography. I mentioned that he caused “controversy”, which made my boss cough out a snicker, but that hey, there were some things he did that didn’t destroy the fabric of education. Yeah. I felt kind of slimy after that.
But anyway, while working on this exhibit, I had the aid of a student worker. I’ll call him “Skippy” cause that’s what I actually did call him when he wasn’t there, and that was before I realized just what a little twerp he was. He just looked like a Skippy. Right, so we’d had plenty of student workers before, and I’d never had a problem with any that worked in library archives with me. In fact, I actually told one, jokingly but not, to please lower his standards cause he was making me look bad. This kid actually chose to go back to China instead of stay with us. So we got Skippy, and Skippy was different. He addressed my boss and me by “Mrs.” and last name. We told him just call us by first names. So I got to be “Miss Alice”. I felt like either a Sunday school teacher or a plantation owner.
That was just the beginning. He also didn’t know how to do anything himself and would constantly ask what to do next. Who does that? If I have nothing to do, I’m going to find something, and it’s going to be something that looks workish. But not this kid. So we gave him plenty to do. And it was so easy. I found pictures in old yearbooks, and sticky noted them, and handed them to him. Scan this. Easy. Did he scan them? No. Or he did, and somehow he did a horrible job of it. He did like to read the old newspapers, which rarely had much in them of use, but he tired me out so much it was like, yeah, you do that. But we did warn him, and my boss and I were very, very explicit in this – write on the back where you found the picture or article, the date, and what it is about. So he – did not. So we told him again, to please look these things back up and write them down. He did. He wrote useful things like “Dr. Polk giving a speech.” Well, thanks, Skippy, I knew that was Dr. Polk, and I know he’s giving a speech cause he’s standing at a podium. But what is the speech about? When was the speech? Where was the speech? Where is your source? Skippy didn’t know.
We told him to do it again. Meanwhile, I am working on biographies of the presidents that weren’t insects.
Skippy finally, finally labels the pictures and information he has collected. Hallelujah. Skippy then leaves, as it was a summer internship. We were so happy to see him go. I start putting his pictures in with the ones I collected. And everything is going well. And then I, for some reason, needed to check something in the yearbook. And I discovered that – and for some reason, this surprised me – Skippy made a bunch of crap up. His labels were WRONG. He guessed, and guessed badly, where these people were, when these things took place, etc etc etc. Wow. So, basically, I had to go backwards and dig up where all this research, some of which, remember, I handed right to him, came from. He actually made my job harder.
I don’t like Skippy much. If he shows up and says “Hi, Miss Alice,” I’m really not responsible for hurling a 1925 yearbook at his stupid little head.
But back to what I wrote out way up there, about our country’s insect, Donald Trump. I was going to stay out of politics, since I had my own troubles. Yet – I look up – and wow, that bad. Less than two weeks and – that bad. He is like Skippy, who at least has the excuse of being 20 years old. Trump, or Cheeto as I like to call him, screws up, he screws up massively, and then he lies about it. And we – are surprised. Because for some reason, that little bit of optimism just won’t die already.
He can’t even do awful stuff right either. Even if you think that the statue of Liberty with her give us your cold, weary, yearning to breathe free crap should be melted down for scrap for the pipeline those Native Americans totally need, you don’t just issue an executive order effective immediately. At least have some organization to your bigotry. Instead, he messes stuff up on a global scale. People are stranded at airports. American citizens are detained, including a five-year-old who is handcuffed. And his people defend him. And I – am amazed. Twenty executive orders in ten days. This from the party who complained that Obama had too many, even though Bush had already surpassed him.
I actually want George W. Bush back. We’ve gone that far. Already.
So people are protesting. But don’t worry, cause Republicans across the country are working at getting that whole pesky protesting stuff shut down too by writing new laws into the books! Cause freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of decency, yeah, none of those are needed. Yet people voted for this guy. They voted for him. Or they just stayed home and did nothing, effectively still voting for him. Just – just thank God we don’t have to worry about Hillary’s emails. Skippy supporters, you did the right thing!
I’m lying. No you didn’t. My sixteen-year-old shouted at the television “You are the president! Presidents don’t call people “dude”! Is he ten?” I think that’s too mature. Let’s not forget he also mentioned “bad dudes” in a tweet. A presidential tweet. This is really happening.
I guess all this idiocy did one thing. It brought me out of cave of self indulgent misery, into the world of misery. Yay. But good news, because I found some great Cheeto merchandise we can all use. Like a voodoo doll. I might even create a contest for people to WIN one. If I can think of one. Thing Two suggested political Haiku. Thing One said “No, those will be awful.” Which is sort of the point, but maybe we’ll think of something.
Got any ideas? Let me know in the comment section. It’s down there. If you skipped reading this post, just make up a response. I will probably believe it. Darn that optimism.
Hello, all, for a change I decided to write a post on stupid politics. This one, though, is about the effect of politics, and this election specifically, on mental health. I know – who would get mental problems from this election? It is posted on a mental health blog called Canvas of the Minds. It’s a great site where bloggers from all over blog about mental health. Sometimes with snark – if they are me. So please visit Canvas and check out the other authors as well, or let those in your life who deal with this fun stuff know about it too. I will close comments so people will, hopefully, comment over there.
Couldn’t figure out how to reblog. So here is the link. LINK DROP!
A couple of days ago, my husband brought me a “letter” that had been shoved in my mailbox with no stamp. Since it’s a federal offense to mess with someone’s mailbox, either some unhinged person committed a crime to get this important info to me, or my mailman is Mr. McCreepy. Pretty sure my mailman is not McCreepy, but someone creepy was there, at my house, and he brought me what can only be considered the manifesto of a seriously whacked out person – possibly on crack.
In case you were wondering, even after the title, this was a from a Trump supporter. Now I’m not saying all Trump supporters are whacked out maniacs. Some are quite reasonable when it comes to everyday life until you get to politics, at which point some spring in their heads goes ‘boing’ and all systems shut down. I’m fairly sure, though, that this guy falls in the whacked out maniac category. Anyway, without further ado, here it is. Click to better view the Cray.
Apparently there’s a website (this is why it’s important to bring a buddy with you if you venture out into the Internet) out there called bamboo-delight.com. I’m not sure what bamboo has to do with antisemitism and bizarre conspiracy theories, but there you go. What’s odd about the original print out is that it says George Bush is the evil one working with the Jews to destroy the world. Mr. McCray had to add in Hillary at the top in order to update things, since this is archival cray here. And since the print out uses Bush, then clearly it’s not just a Republican / Democrat thing. It’s a . . . all government is evil thing. And the Jews. Don’t forget them.
As bad as this print out is, it’s still not quite as bad as the person writing his (or her?) own notes on it. You should notice multiple websites scribbled in ink which I am NOT going to click on because I can only imagine the cooties my computer will consume. But we’ve got totally reputable sounding ones like “DarkMoon dot me”, “The forbidden truth dot com”, “Truth11 dot com”, “tortured in America dot org”, “stoppoliticalassassinations dot com” and you can’t forget the blog “Care and washing of the brain at blogspot dot com”. I have written out the dot coms because I really don’t want these people tracing back to my blog. I already have to do a care and washing of my brain at this point.
And another thing – aren’t people who would type out something like this be the type who would advocate assassinating candidates? They’ve always had sane reasons before, like the one who tried to kill Ronald Reagan because he wanted to impress Jodi Foster. Makes total sense.
I did look up the word “ussa” since the writer cautioned people that we were either the USA or the USSA. The USSA seemed to either be a sports team or auto insurance. But then I found the truth on Wikipedia. See back in college Barack Obama was forming the American Socialist States of America. Oh, okay. The Wikipedia article knows this to be true, because “Michelle noticed that Obama had a mustache, much like ol’Hitler and Joseph Stalin, and left him for that guy who lost the 2004 elections”. This comes from something known as the Uncyclopedia, which I like to think people don’t actually believe is real, because that makes me feel better.
He also seems concerned about gun ownership, because surely he needs to defend himself against Hillary, who is in league with THE JEWS and probably that commie Barack Obama. He lists gun owners dot com and the America Defense Fund dot com site. That this guy probably has weapons makes me feel all gushy inside, like my insides have been splattered. We should probably all be wearing bullet proof vests at this point. Because you never know when one of these guys is going to walk up to your door. Or a Jew. Because . . . Jews.
That he has seized on the Jews as a scapegoat is a little odd, because – didn’t Hitler kind of do that? And he’s supposedly not wanting a Hitler. So you’d think he’d just stick with Muslims, minorities, immigrants, women, and well most of the population, like Trump does. It’s been effective for the guy so far. But no, Hillary is truly evil and she and her Jew army (just what?) are going to take over the U.S.A. and then won’t you be sorry. So be sure and look up all the youtube links and find out the truth for yourself. Or don’t, really, don’t do it.
You think he’s done, but there’s a back page. No more print, just scribbles.
And don’t forget these sites! “One humanity, one love” especially grips me. Because this guy is clearly calling for tolerance here. Unless, you know, you don’t vote for Trump. Or you’re Jewish.
So what to make of all of this? I think it demonstrates one very chilling truth. Trump is not the scariest part of this election. It is the people who have consistently supported him who scare me. People who think it’s okay to be racist, sexist, and hateful. Who want there to be “one humanity” that is them. If you aren’t like them, then stay behind your wall. Stay in your country that is bombed everyday. Because at this point, I don’t know how much better it is over here. I thought we had come so far. I was wrong. People like this guy still exist, and worse, there are so many others, enough to get Trump nominated for president of our country. And it’s not just the rich white men. It’s poor people, minorities, and women voting for him. I don’t understand that at all.
How can you vote for someone who thinks that YOU, yes, YOU are not worthy of respect. Who thinks it’s okay to send people away or discriminate against them because of their religion, or the color of their skin, or their lack of wealth, or their gender. I’ve always been a Democrat, but while I disagree with Republicans on many issues, I’ve never actually been scared of one before, scared of what he will do with this country. Hillary is not an angel. But even Trump admitted that she doesn’t give up. She keeps going, no matter how many insults are hurled at her. And in this campaign, all decency and decorum has been thrown out the window. You can hate Hillary. But Trump – he is the leader to fear. He speaks to the worst in all of us – to the fear, to the hate, to the anger that we all have because of injustices in this country, to the need to blame somebody.
You want someone to blame? We must blame ourselves. Because things have gotten truly bad here, enough that Trump has been able to seize on our weaknesses to bring himself to power. But he is not the one to fix the problems in this country. That’s up to us. We have more power than we realize. There are more of us than there are of people like him. Yet almost 50 percent of the country refuses to vote. Half of the country. Do you think those votes could make a difference? Maybe not individually, but together, oh yes it can. I’m not telling you to vote for Hillary. But please, vote for someone. Vote for third party, write in someone, use your voice, use your right that people fought and died for, because that is our power.
It’s time we put it to use.
Or as much as we could stomach of it. Which was about one hour. Though as soon as Donald made one comment in an earlier video (minutes before it actually started) Thing Two said she was done. But she soldiered on. They are asked questions from an audience of uncommitted voters and moderators. I remember Anderson, but forget the other moderator and don’t want to look it up. I tried to break up the different questions, but it’s honestly hard to tell. Here it goes:
Anderson Cooper – Hello and welcome.
Thing One : Anderson’s thinking “Kill me now.”
First audience question: Do you think this election has been good for kids since it could have had “mature rating”. Are you modeling appropriate behavior for today’s youth?
As Hillary rambles, Donald is making faces behind her. Especially frowns when Hillary says I want your vote, but I think we should bring the country together.
Trump: Yeah, everything she said. I started this campaign because I was tired of what was going on in the country. I can’t believe I’m saying this about myself, but I guess I am a politician.
Me: I can’t believe you’re a politician either
Thing One: I think he’s making up percentages. Neither one is answering the question. It’s just more about their campaigns.
Me: Yeah I had to look at the question again cause I totally forgot.
Thing One: He’s talking so softly. Maybe Trump IS sick from the air sniffing.
Anderson Cooper: And grabbing women’s . . .
Thing One: This is NOT age appropriate.
Trump: Well we have terrorists chopping off heads . . .
Me: Wait, what? Are we talking about women now, or terrorists, or . . .
Thing Two: I don’t like this
Thing One: Go check on our cinnamon rolls
Anderson: So you never touched women without their consent?
Trump: I have always had respect for women
Me: That’s why I call them big and fat.
Trump: Gonna build borders
Thing One: What does that have to do with women?
Thing Two: Mom, look at Hillary’s face. She looks bored.
Hillary: I’ve disagreed with other candidates but never questioned their ability to be president. Donald Trump is not fit to be president. He’s nasty to women, POWs, Muslims, everyone else, etc. Oh snap
Thing One: Trump is starting to walk around now
Thing Two: I think Trump’s lip is falling off his face. Donald, you orange freak.
Hillary: We are great because we are good. (huh?) And we will get people to behave again.
Thing One: If we have to put everyone in time-out corner.
Trump: I want to answer on this. Blah blah blah Hillary words blah blah.
Moderator: Mr. Trump please stop talking
Trump: She gets to talk and I don’t? Whine.
Moderator: Here’s an online campaign question. Something about shameful actions – choose one. And you have two minutes.
Trump: Did I mention I have great respect for women? Oh and Bill Clinton. And Hillary’s mean too.
Applause cause of what he just brought up, which was – I’m not even sure what the question is – did it change? It’s not up on the board so we can’t tell.
Hillary: I am reminded of what my friend Michelle Obama (did I mention MICHELLE?) said – when they go low, you go higher. (higher cheers) Brings up the Muslim family whose son died in combat. He never apologized to this person, to this person, to this person . . . he owes our country an apology
Me: They both do.
Trump: You owe other people an apology – I saw vicious commercials of Michelle talking about you – talk about friend, nanner. And Bernie Sanders, you didn’t win fair and square. I suddenly care about this.
Thing Two: Trump says: In third grade I got in trouble for being racist . . .
Me: He would never admit that..
Trump: I didn’t think I would say this but . . . (yeah right) when I’m president I am going to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation.
Thing One: Hillary is smiling so wide, ha ha!
Me: Now she’s actually laughing silently
Hillary: (thrilled – she may break out into another dance) It is good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge.
Trump: Cause you’d be in jail
Applause. No, really.
Anderson: Quit wasting time.
Other moderator: Yes let’s. Now Hillary about your emails.
Me: AGAIN? Yes let’s not waste time.
Hillary: Yeah I was kinda dumb but haven’t they kinda already grilled me on this enough? Also I had a lot of secrets cause I was Secretary of State (unlike youuu Donald) and so there was classified info.
Trump: She didn’t know the letter “c” on a document.
Thing One: She got a grade on her document?
Thing Two is laying down with headphones listening to music.
Thing One: Wait he’s going against Republicans now? That’s not helping.
Me: Thing Two, I smell Republicans. Wait, I mean cinnamon rolls.
Moderator: We need to move on.
Trump: Ramble, ramble.
Moderator: Please let her respond
Trump: Ramble ramble ramble.
Hillary: I know, Donald, you want to distract things since the Republicans are all dumping youuuu.
Trump: What about emails?
Another audience question finally: Obamacare hasn’t helped much. How will you bring costs down, etc?
Moderator: That’s for you, Hillary
Hillary: Oh he can take it.
Thing One: Yes go for it, mess yourself up
Moderator: No you, Hillary.
Thing Two begins making a representation of the debate with Yoda, a bear, an inflated palm tree, a cardboard Zelda shield, and tiny anime people. I don’t understand it, but it makes as much sense as anything else.
Trump starts rambling about how Obamacare BAD.
Anderson: Time up Trump! Oh, uh, Hillary didn’t your husband say Obamacare was stupid?
Hillary is very smooth picking up on this. I still don’t understand it, but hey she’s cool about it.
Hillary: It was meant to do all these things . . . So 20 million people do have health insurance which is something. If we rip it off we give it back to the insurance cause . . .
Anderson: Time is up. (probably takes a stiff drink)
Trump rambles on. Anderson attempts to direct the question. In any direction.
Trump: It’s gonna be so good.
Anderson: But specifics on what you’re doing?
Trump: It was a fraud. Competition. And stuff.
Audience question: Uh I’m a Muslim. What are you going to do about Islamaphobia?
Trump: That’s too bad, but hey you guys are all terrorists. And Obama and Hills won’t say the word. They won’t, they won’t.
Thing Two: Cinnamon rolls are burnt, just like the state of our country.
Hillary: Dangerous talk about your people, a gift to terrorists. We aren’t at war with Islam.
Moderator: What about the Muslim ban?
Trump: By the way that Muslim captain whose parents I made fun of? If I had been president, he’d still be alive
Me: Cause he’s like God?
Moderator: Could you please tell if the Muslim ban stands? You know, the question I asked.
Trump: Hillary and Obama want tons of Muslims. Trojan horse!
Moderator: Will you take these Syrian refugees in when they might be dangerous?
Hillary: There are children suffering, etc. We are not carrying the load of Europe. We have vetting.
Thing One: Pretty sure these guys just want to get away from war not be troublemakers.
Me: That makes too much sense, Thing One.
Hillary: You were for the war on Iraq, Trump, it’s on tape. Like real tape.
Trump: No I wasn’t. You were for it.
Moderator: Okay . . .
Trump: Hey she got 25 more seconds earlier. There are really bad people coming in.
Thing One: And uh some are just normal families?
Thing Two is using a Gaston doll from Beauty and Beast to talk: How about I run for president! I would be perfect!
Moderator question: Wikileaks stuff. Hillary you said you had a private and a public position on it? Is that being two-faced?
Hillary: Uh, that quote was from me talking about a movie on Abraham Lincoln.
Thing Two with Gaston: I will make sure all women are treated bad and all books are banned!
Me: He’s like a good looking Trump.
Thing Two: The debate: Poopy face, Poopy head!
Thing One is making Elsa fly.
Trump: She’s blaming the lie on Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe never lied.
Thing One: Really? You know this?
Trump: Russians. They aren’t really hacking. I know nothing about about Russians.
Me: Well true, except Putin.
Thing Two: I think I know who the liar is.
Trump goes on about how much taxes he has paid. Hillary stands there and smiles broadly.
Thing Two: Hillary “I smell something fishy. It’s Trump!”
Person in audience: What would you do to change the tax code?
Thing Two: the worst job in the world is moderator
Trump: blah blah negative ads blah Hillary complains but hasn’t helped stuff blah I’m lowering taxes for corporations
Me: Yes that would help.
Hillary is most fun to watch while Trump speaks. Blink. Blink.
Thing One: Do the rich still pay their fair share? Question mark. No, not gonna answer? Nope, figures.
Hillary is shaking her head.
Thing Two: Hillary looks like she has a Vanilla Ice song in her head, gettin’ down.
Hillary: I hate to keep saying everything he says is a lie (but I will). Kinda funny that he has avoided so many taxes and he’s telling about how he’ll fix it. In my plan, nobody who makes less than 250,000 will be taxed.
Me: Well girls, we are very very VERY safe on her plan. Take off the 2, you got a little more than our combined salaries. Aren’t there commercial breaks???
Thing Two is talking. Thing One: Thing Two, I’m trying to understand this debate even though it makes no sense.
Trump: Much of my tax stuff is depreciation -that made Hillary’s head jerk up. Now she’s grinning open mouthed as he goes on.
Trump: It’s all talk and no action.
Thing Two: Mee mee mee mee
Thing One: Bernie is getting tired of Trump using his quotes too much.
Thing Two: I miss Bernie. He’s better than them.
Trump: Why didn’t you do anything as senator?
Hillary: Cause I was under a Republican president.
Snap! Applause. Clearly this is a one line zinger debate.
Thing Two: Hillary should get it. 1. Political experience. 2. Not Trump 3. Nice earrings 4: Balances out what’s in her mind.
Thing One: She’s like an old Elsa!
Thing Two: Trump is thinking “all around me are familiar facesss”
We’ve all lost track of what’s going on.
Moderator: Mr. Trump we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna move on. Move on. Okay solve the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Two minutes.
Hillary is talking. The girls are starting to snap at one another, there is the an inflatable tree involved.
Me: How many minutes are we in?
Thing One: It’s 9:04 – it’s been an hour.
Thing Two: I want to go to bed now.
T.V. goes off. Snap!
Hope you enjoyed out report from the front. If anything else happened, we have no idea, nor do we care at this point. We’re not even sure what happened while we were watching. There’s only so much sanity you can spare. Be sure and let us know.
If you’ve heard anything about the recent Republican Convention (I get my news from comedians – they are better fact checkers), then you know that Donald has been ripping off songs for his political campaign. This makes bands like Queen feel really stabby considering they hate Trump, and do not think he’s “the champion”, unless he means champion of a-holes. He’s also stolen “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” from the Rolling Stones, but it actually is a rather apropos song for him. We are definitely not getting what we want. No satisfaction here, man.
Now if this were any other Ann Coulter type jerk, you could ignore him, but this is a – dear God – viable candidate for president of the United States. There is no point in listing the awful things he has said. Better to simply make a list of the decent things he has said. It’s tiny. Like his hands.
But when I heard this song I’m about to show you, it just made total sense. “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel. Illustrated with pictures. I’m sorry, Peter, please forgive me.
I’m on my way, I’m making it
I’ve got to make it show, yeah
So much larger than life
I’m going to watch it growing
He’s referring to his hands uh hand here.
The place where I come from is a small town
They think so small
They use small words
He didn’t come from a small town, but he does know the little people because he employs them.
But not me
I’m smarter than that
I worked it out
I’ve been stretching my mouth
To let those big words come right out
Donald does love to talk about his degrees (I’m sure he did not have any help whatsoever) and how smart he is. Very smart. And he says he knows big words! Gonna build a wall. A big wall. A beautiful wall. Clearly an intellectual. And no one stretches his mouth farther than Donald.
I’ve had enough, I’m getting out
To the city, the big big city
I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys
There’s so much stuff I will own
He is definitely a big noise in the big big city, and has enough money to play with the “big boys”, especially those giving corporations, who are people, you know. And does he own stuff? Guys, he’s about to own the presidency of the United States. I joked earlier about him putting Trump on the White House in big letters but – look, just – look what he did at the convention and tell me this isn’t a realistic possibility.
And I will pray to a big god
As I kneel in the big church
My parties all have big names
And I greet them with the widest smile
Tell them how my life is one big adventure
And always they’re amazed
When I show them ’round my house, to my bed
I had it made like a mountain range
With a snow-white pillow for my big fat head
He has big parties, with big names, you guys, like wrestlers. Some call it a “convention” but clearly it was a party for Donald. There were huge balloons, lots of guys who appeared to be high on something, and it carried a very high chance of the cops being called.
People all over are amazed at Donald and his fancy house and his giant head. Adventure!
And my heaven will be a big heaven
And I will walk through the front door
You might get through the front door, Donald, but I don’t think you’re getting past security.
Big time big time
My car is getting bigger
My house is getting bigger
My eyes are getting bigger
And my mouth
My belly is getting bigger
And my bank account
Look at my circumstance
And the bulge in my big big big big big big big
Thank you greatly for not finishing that last line, Peter. So you see? What a great song I’ve ruined. One that used to sound over the top, but not now! Now it’s presidential!
Excuse me while I find my cave. I’ll require big white pillows for the screaming.
Any other songs you can think of that describe our candidates or the election in general? I’m thinking *”It’s the End of the World as We Know it” and “Highway to Hell” would be good choices.
*Wait Trump and Cruz both used that one already. Really.
I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system. At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right? First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents. Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring. I wouldn’t go up against them.
You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions. He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers! And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on. So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc. It would work quite well for protestors. Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.
But what about a test? I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates? These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate. We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works. I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.
1.Do you use Twitter? Yes or No.
No equals 10 points. Yes is automatic dismissal
2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?
Yes equals 1o points. No equals no cookies for YOU.
3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?
A. Stoning people
B. Healing people
C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights
D. A great, big, beautiful flood
Answer C 10 points. That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.
4. What do you think of really tall walls?
A. We’re just another brick in it.
B. Walls gooood!
C. Why are we discussing walls again?
Answer A and C 10 points. 5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!
5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?
A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.
B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.
C. There are more than 2 amendments?
D. All of the above!
E. None of these are right, you moron.
A, B, C, D – no points. E 10 points. Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points
6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?
A. The GAYZZZ
B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!
C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.
Answer C. 10 points. No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all. Gawd.
7. Does Canada look really good this time of year? Yes or No.
Yes – 10 points. No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention. O points and no beer.
8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal? Yes or No.
Yes if you don’t get caught. 10 points. No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points
9. I don’t like the candidate for my party. What should I do?
A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party. Sure, why not?
B. Vote for a third party. Like the Unicorn party.
C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.
D. Throw a big temper tantrum.
Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada. 10 points.
10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?
A. As soon as the new president is elected.
B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.
Answer – C, C, C always go for C. 10 points
Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start. Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask? Let me know in the comments below!
I was driving to work today, and singing along to a song from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, because – I’m me. I like the Hawaiian songs, so naturally try to sing along, even though I do not speak Hawaiian, so it sounds kind of like this “Oh like oh e maya a una de tala a oof mana mana a eee eee eee eee oh.”
Then it occurred to me that I didn’t know what their language was really called. Is it really called Hawaiian? Cause I live in the United States, and we don’t speak United States. Nor do we speak American. We do speak English (supposedly), but New England English is way different than Southern English, or California English. And if we get online, our English doesn’t look like English at all. I once looked at an old text and realized I had not capitalized my “I”s, and I cringed because I like to use the word “I” a lot and it just looked like I had barfed preschool on the phone. Or teen, take your pick.
People speak other languages here too, but we expect everyone to also speak English, cause we are Americans, even if we actually borrowed English from the English, you know, before those guys screwed it up so much. I mean really – it’s not a jumper. It’s a sweater. A jumper is something little girls wear, like overalls but with a skirt. And we don’t take lifts, nor do we drive lorries, our cars don’t wear bonnets, and use a freaking article when you say “I’m going to university.” It’s like we Americans have to tell you everything.
But England is weird too, because they don’t just go by England. They also go by Great Britain, and call themselves British, not Greatish, or Greatish Britainish. Or they could be the United Kingdom if you include the unimportant countries around them, like Scotland. I think. But again, no United Kindomners. Also do you speak Scottish and Irish, or Gaelic, or just English cause everyone has to speak English because we do? I don’t know. I have not even bothered to Google this. I do know that even the most racist people love foreign accents, so if you have one, come on over. We’ll go crazy for you. Look how successful the Beatles were. It wasn’t cause of their haircuts.
Now Spain has it right, because their people speak Spanish, but then Mexico speaks Spanish too. But the two are not actually the same. Which means the Spanish I was taught by a white Anglo woman was Spain Spanish, and does little to help me speak Mexican Spanish, and there are a lot more Mexicans around Texas than there are Spaniards. Just ask Donald Trump. I took several years of Spanish, but still can’t keep up with them because they speak, like, fast. And then you like translate in your head, and have to respond, and I just can’t keep up with all of that. Yet I see some people switch effortlessly from Spanish to English in one breath and I wonder if they are some sort of magician.
Then there’s France. They speak French. Fair enough. But we have people in Louisiana who also speak French. Also Cajun, whatever the heck that is. Parts of Canada speak French too. They don’t speak Canadian, unless you count those guys who used to say “hooser” on Saturday Night Live.
On to Japan. They speak Japanese. Yay. Also English. And Engrish, which is a combination of English and Japanese that usually results in hilarity. Like small children wearing shirts with rather inappropriate words, while smiling big happy smiles. Of course Americans are known for getting tattoos done in Chinese or Japanese characters (they’re the same, right?) and end up permanently affixed with stupid words. Just because the guy says it means “warrior” doesn’t mean it’s right. You could be walking around with the word “sponge” on your bicep. I bet our Asian neighbors love it when they see this. Asian is another word you can call Japanese, or Chinese, or Korean, or Vietnamese, because a lot of Americans aren’t going to bother with the difference. Because we’re too busy playing their video games.
Africa! Now this is one crazy place. They don’t all speak African, you guys. They have different languages and dialects, and if I looked it up, I could probably tell you one of them. I think they sound very cool, even if they aren’t saying anything important, like in the introduction to the Lion King. I heard it’s translated something like “It’s a lion, look it’s a lion” which is better than “Llama, llama, penguins in pajamas” which my friend mentioned, and now I hear every time that movie comes on. I asked a student from Africa what some names meant, and Simba means “lion”, Mufasa means “king”, and Scar means “bad guy”. Way to be creative, Disney!
There are a lot more countries, but I know most of you have no attention span and probably quit somewhere around England (Australians speak English too! Sort of!) so I’ll stop here. Suffice it to say, language is very confusing, especially when it doesn’t even match the country name, so I think everyone should have to change theirs to make it easier (sort of like when you guys all went metric and we didn’t, but yet you still didn’t change back to feet and inches). So a “good day” to those who speak Canadian, United Kingdom, Louisiana, Asian, African, and those other places on the map. You’re welcome.
I hope you all had a great Easter weekend. I didn’t. I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day. Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day? Everything! Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid. Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand). Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.
Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance. Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today. If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump. So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office). Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention. I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).
Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump. It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President. Then it’s still funny, but a little sad. I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President. Pfft, of course he will.
As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous. Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side. Imagine waking up to that face. Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V. I feel a little ill.
Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?
Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?
Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).
Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?
Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?
I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern. I’m not the only one. Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech. You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not. Bernie commands wildlife, guys. It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect. Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”? I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans! Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time. Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video. Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.
Aw. Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused. Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat. I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him. I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester. Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year. This is one time I am not totally against this idea. Can you just imagine? It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties. Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.
So much excitement to come! Try to survive. And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.