I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system. At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right? First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents. Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring. I wouldn’t go up against them.
You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions. He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers! And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on. So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc. It would work quite well for protestors. Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.
But what about a test? I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates? These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate. We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works. I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.
1.Do you use Twitter? Yes or No.
No equals 10 points. Yes is automatic dismissal
2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?
Yes equals 1o points. No equals no cookies for YOU.
3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?
A. Stoning people
B. Healing people
C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights
D. A great, big, beautiful flood
Answer C 10 points. That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.
4. What do you think of really tall walls?
A. We’re just another brick in it.
B. Walls gooood!
C. Why are we discussing walls again?
Answer A and C 10 points. 5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!
5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?
A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.
B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.
C. There are more than 2 amendments?
D. All of the above!
E. None of these are right, you moron.
A, B, C, D – no points. E 10 points. Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points
6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?
A. The GAYZZZ
B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!
C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.
Answer C. 10 points. No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all. Gawd.
7. Does Canada look really good this time of year? Yes or No.
Yes – 10 points. No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention. O points and no beer.
8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal? Yes or No.
Yes if you don’t get caught. 10 points. No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points
9. I don’t like the candidate for my party. What should I do?
A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party. Sure, why not?
B. Vote for a third party. Like the Unicorn party.
C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.
D. Throw a big temper tantrum.
Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada. 10 points.
10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?
A. As soon as the new president is elected.
B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.
Answer – C, C, C always go for C. 10 points
Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start. Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask? Let me know in the comments below!
I was driving to work today, and singing along to a song from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, because – I’m me. I like the Hawaiian songs, so naturally try to sing along, even though I do not speak Hawaiian, so it sounds kind of like this “Oh like oh e maya a una de tala a oof mana mana a eee eee eee eee oh.”
Then it occurred to me that I didn’t know what their language was really called. Is it really called Hawaiian? Cause I live in the United States, and we don’t speak United States. Nor do we speak American. We do speak English (supposedly), but New England English is way different than Southern English, or California English. And if we get online, our English doesn’t look like English at all. I once looked at an old text and realized I had not capitalized my “I”s, and I cringed because I like to use the word “I” a lot and it just looked like I had barfed preschool on the phone. Or teen, take your pick.
People speak other languages here too, but we expect everyone to also speak English, cause we are Americans, even if we actually borrowed English from the English, you know, before those guys screwed it up so much. I mean really – it’s not a jumper. It’s a sweater. A jumper is something little girls wear, like overalls but with a skirt. And we don’t take lifts, nor do we drive lorries, our cars don’t wear bonnets, and use a freaking article when you say “I’m going to university.” It’s like we Americans have to tell you everything.
But England is weird too, because they don’t just go by England. They also go by Great Britain, and call themselves British, not Greatish, or Greatish Britainish. Or they could be the United Kingdom if you include the unimportant countries around them, like Scotland. I think. But again, no United Kindomners. Also do you speak Scottish and Irish, or Gaelic, or just English cause everyone has to speak English because we do? I don’t know. I have not even bothered to Google this. I do know that even the most racist people love foreign accents, so if you have one, come on over. We’ll go crazy for you. Look how successful the Beatles were. It wasn’t cause of their haircuts.
Now Spain has it right, because their people speak Spanish, but then Mexico speaks Spanish too. But the two are not actually the same. Which means the Spanish I was taught by a white Anglo woman was Spain Spanish, and does little to help me speak Mexican Spanish, and there are a lot more Mexicans around Texas than there are Spaniards. Just ask Donald Trump. I took several years of Spanish, but still can’t keep up with them because they speak, like, fast. And then you like translate in your head, and have to respond, and I just can’t keep up with all of that. Yet I see some people switch effortlessly from Spanish to English in one breath and I wonder if they are some sort of magician.
Then there’s France. They speak French. Fair enough. But we have people in Louisiana who also speak French. Also Cajun, whatever the heck that is. Parts of Canada speak French too. They don’t speak Canadian, unless you count those guys who used to say “hooser” on Saturday Night Live.
On to Japan. They speak Japanese. Yay. Also English. And Engrish, which is a combination of English and Japanese that usually results in hilarity. Like small children wearing shirts with rather inappropriate words, while smiling big happy smiles. Of course Americans are known for getting tattoos done in Chinese or Japanese characters (they’re the same, right?) and end up permanently affixed with stupid words. Just because the guy says it means “warrior” doesn’t mean it’s right. You could be walking around with the word “sponge” on your bicep. I bet our Asian neighbors love it when they see this. Asian is another word you can call Japanese, or Chinese, or Korean, or Vietnamese, because a lot of Americans aren’t going to bother with the difference. Because we’re too busy playing their video games.
Africa! Now this is one crazy place. They don’t all speak African, you guys. They have different languages and dialects, and if I looked it up, I could probably tell you one of them. I think they sound very cool, even if they aren’t saying anything important, like in the introduction to the Lion King. I heard it’s translated something like “It’s a lion, look it’s a lion” which is better than “Llama, llama, penguins in pajamas” which my friend mentioned, and now I hear every time that movie comes on. I asked a student from Africa what some names meant, and Simba means “lion”, Mufasa means “king”, and Scar means “bad guy”. Way to be creative, Disney!
There are a lot more countries, but I know most of you have no attention span and probably quit somewhere around England (Australians speak English too! Sort of!) so I’ll stop here. Suffice it to say, language is very confusing, especially when it doesn’t even match the country name, so I think everyone should have to change theirs to make it easier (sort of like when you guys all went metric and we didn’t, but yet you still didn’t change back to feet and inches). So a “good day” to those who speak Canadian, United Kingdom, Louisiana, Asian, African, and those other places on the map. You’re welcome.
I hope you all had a great Easter weekend. I didn’t. I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day. Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day? Everything! Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid. Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand). Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.
Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance. Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today. If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump. So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office). Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention. I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).
Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump. It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President. Then it’s still funny, but a little sad. I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President. Pfft, of course he will.
As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous. Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side. Imagine waking up to that face. Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V. I feel a little ill.
Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?
Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?
Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).
Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?
Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?
I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern. I’m not the only one. Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech. You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not. Bernie commands wildlife, guys. It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect. Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”? I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans! Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time. Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video. Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.
Aw. Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused. Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat. I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him. I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester. Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year. This is one time I am not totally against this idea. Can you just imagine? It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties. Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.
So much excitement to come! Try to survive. And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.
I didn’t start out intending to be a political humor writer, but what can you do when it’s all just right there for the taking? It’s like E.L. James decided to write a story of an election, and this is the result.
Anyhoo, I promised to tell you of my experience voting. I went to the polls the week before Super Tuesday (the first Super voting day) with my Republican husband. We were the only ones there. In Texas, you have these little voter booths that resemble old arcade game machines. You get controls too, only this one is just a dial you use to go down the list of names and select your candidate. It is not a touch screen, as the sign (created by the poor souls who actually volunteer to register you) clearly states. Yet every time I touch it first. As does everyone else.
But why a rotary dial? Are we going back to the 80s here? I guess it fits the arcade theme. And why does every state do this differently? Why pregnant chads in Florida? I don’t get it. But I digress. Again. Mostly because I have to admit that when it comes to voting, I am not that bright.
Obviously I knew who I wanted to select as the Democrat’s candidate, though my husband was still somewhat undecided except for “Not Trump”. To make this process more confusing to voters, several Republican candidates who had dropped out long ago were still on the ballot. I wonder how many votes those people got. It would have been extra funny if somehow Texas had elected, say, Jeb!
At least the Democrats had been narrowed down to two for a long time, so easy peasy right? Then I got my ballot, and I realized I had completely forgotten, in spite of doing this every two to four years since I turned 18, that there was a lot of other stuff on the ballot. Like bunches of other people I had never heard of, and even a few political positions I had never heard of, and I had to choose one. Most only had one person, so that was pretty easy, but then Railroad Commissioner had three. Eenie, Meenie, Mini? For a while I was terrified I had accidentally voted for a Republican, then I remembered this was the Democratic primary. Which means they should all be Democrats? Theoretically?
And then came the story problems, or as the political establishment calls them, referendums. Oops. I had not looked any of those up beforehand either. All of these were written in legalese. I have a Master’s degree in English (no, really!) and I had to read them more than once to make sure I was voting the right way. There were questions like this one:
Do you agree with a bill that will not permit the exercise of extreme force upon juvenile seals by way of blunt instrument?
And so you are about to say “no” obviously, cause you want to prevent clubbing baby seals! But then you realize that it says “permit” instead of “prevent”, but that’s still “no” because it’s permitting clubbing them seals. Wait, then you remember there’s that “not” in there, so you need to say “yes” you want a bill that doesn’t permit clubbing seals. Right? When did seals get permits? I’m not sure I care about the seals anymore. Whoever wrote up these referendums needs a club to the head. My husband who is not an English major, in fact has a reading disability, was there for quite a while after I had finished. He was also extremely confused.
“I’m not sure what I voted for,” he said.
“Me neither,” I replied.
And we went our merry way, just like most Americans. And that is how the voting system works, kiddos! I even got a sticker.
Like the short-lived game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, the sad news is that kids actually DO know more than many adults about politics. They also seem to care about it. Nevermind that none of them can vote. Thing Two has a fellow student / arch enemy who is insane about Trump, enough that he carries around his biography like a Bible. No kid should carry around ANY politician’s bio, especially that one. Thing Two enjoys responding to his “Trump is Awesome” speeches with taunts of “GO HILLARY! HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT!” I love my kids.
If you want some proof that kids know way more than we do (and more than they should, really), here is a video with kids responding to Donald Trump’s antics, and answering questions. You might be tempted to think they were prompted, but I believe it’s totally real, because you just don’t come up with stuff the way these kids do. Also no adult would have that much common sense. Prepare to laugh your head off, then feel sad for their future. Here it is.
Now the GOP is hoping to keep the four candidates in as long as possible in order to prevent Trump from securing enough delegates, thus allowing the party to select its own candidate, rather than the voters. Something seems wrong with this picture. It’s a good reason to vote, though, because if you take all the people who don’t bother, you get enough to say, keep a crazed lunatic (choose one) out of office. And that’s just being a good American.
Well, we just had Super Tuesday, and it looks like Hillary won 7 states out of 13 and Bernie won 4 states out of 13 and I realize 4 and 7 don’t equal 13 so I’m not sure what happened. Also Trump won 7 states, but never had more than 50 percent of the vote. Hard when there are still 5 candidates running, one of whom (lookin’ at you Ben-o!) didn’t register once. Also, I voted, but more on that on another post! Since we still don’t have any clue what’s going on in this most screwed up of elections ev-ah, I thought I’d just do a post in headlines I’ve been gathering up while recovering from my latest bout of plague (thanks Obama!)
The Washington post also has some great images (non-moving gifs!) and tweets, but Gawker had the best headline. Watch Chris Christie’s pained expressions as he stands trapped behind Donald Trump. Time to rethink life choices, Christie.
Sure the killings started in 1968, and Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, but, well, look at the guy. Do you blame them?
Get that you think they’re rapists? That you want to deport them and / or employ them? What do they “get” exactly?
Ben says “the fruit salad of their life is what I will look at” when choosing a Supreme Court justice. I think that’s how we’re choosing president instead. Still it got a lot of amusing tweets including:
– My tell-all is going to be called the The Fruit Salad of Their Lives
-The Fruit Salad of Their Life is my favorite soap
and of course
– Make America Grape Again
You can’t make this crap up. Sorry, Ben, you’re really not important enough for a punch.
Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham Jokes About Gone Bat**** Crazy GOP: “Speaking at the Washington Press Club Foundation Dinner, Graham had the harshest words for Sen. Ted Cruz. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you,” he quipped.”
I’m thinking a lot of people don’t like Ted Cruz. Like EVERY ONE of his fellow senators who won’t endorse him, for instance.
And another 17 percent “aren’t sure”. Just . . . I mean . . . what . . .why . . . next question.
Speak for yourself, Kev! Pretty sure most of us do not deserve this.
Trump? Fraud? No way!
Hint to Hillary: Find out.
WTF does that even MEAN, Ben? Does Obama not have a good fruit salad?
Sometimes people think words instead of speak them, Donald. Still, if you can’t find the protester, you could always punch Ben. He wants to be attacked. Or Cruz. He’s just so darn punchable.
Note: I tried to find the headlines I’d picked off FB. When I couldn’t, I substituted links. Enjoy your fruit salad!
Early voting has started for the Texas primary. I know because there are massive amounts of Trump signs out in the lawn by one of our voting places. I think the building has something to do with city government, but really don’t care because the city is run by Republicans. I did see one Bernie Sanders sticker on the back of a car. These are brave people. I’d be afraid of having my bumper shot.
Anyhoo, I should get over there and cast my vote. My husband votes Republican (I have attempted to reason with him, and barring that, possibly drug him, to no avail) so we act maturely and often vote without each other. And don’t tell the other person. You know, in case he or she forgot. We never forget. But it’s a fun game we play. He’s not into politics really, which is how we stay married. But he still votes Republican because it runs in the family or something, like mental illness. At least we can agree on one thing. Neither one of us can stand Trump.
But like acid reflux, he just keeps coming back up. I actually did try to read a little on this primary caucus thing, and now I am officially way more confused. They’ve had primaries (or caucuses?) in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina, though not all take place for both parties at the same time, and some are decided and some are not and some are closed and some are open and some are mixed (like candy!). I have no idea why exactly. I do know Trump is winning a lot. So is Hillary. (Like there’s been 4 states out of 50! The media has totally called it already!)
But according to my lawyer friend who does not get news from Facebook, Bernie still has the popular vote of the Democrats. I’m not sure anyone really has a strong vote with the Republicans, since some still refuse to bow out, even if they have no percentage of the vote. And some states have split delegates, and are not winner take all though everyone says they have won, and certain delegates have pledged themselves to each (What are delegates again? Who are these people? Can I be one? I can delegate great!) but Hillary has the super PACS (like Pac-Man?) and I’m still not totally hip on this whole delegate / PAC thing. I keep thinking that we should just, you know, vote for who we want ourselves. But what do I know?
I do know I haven’t heard much about these states in a while (I totally forgot about Iowa), so way to go getting your state noticed, guys! But you should know, there is a lot of stupid out there, so please sane people who happen to want to vote my way, get out and vote. Even vote for Hillary. Though I think another four years of Clintons will be torture, it won’t be anything like what we’ll get with one of these wackamoles in the other party. At this point I am actually missing Romney and McCain, you guys. That’s bad. That’s super bad. And Super Tuesday (it’s not a football game, sorry) is coming up and we’ll get primaries from several states, including my quiet, unassuming little state Texas. I’m not scared AT ALL.
But back to the headlines, which stay as wacky as ever!
Pat Buchanan political commentator says Trump’s rise is a rejection of “Bush Republicanism.”
Funny, I thought his rise to power came after the opening of the Seventh Seal. And what is Bush Republicanism exactly? Sort of kind of sane Republicanism?
Pat Robertson: Bernie Sanders voters are a bunch of “ignorant sheep.”
But Pat is like on the 700 club. I thought it was supposed to be good to be a sheep so Jesus can be your shepherd? But what do I know?
Trump pranks Jeb Bush by stealing his website campaign.
Trump tweeted “Jeb Bush forgot to renew the rights to his domain name for his website. Guess who bought it?” You know, sometimes I forget we’re running an actual political campaign here with all this here tomfoolery!
Jeb Bush: Republican candidate suspends his campaign.
Aw. Jeb, please know, your political ads were the bomb and I will never forget them.
Marco (Polo) Rubio won’t let a cracked molar keep him from campaigning.
OMG, the heroism. So you were in a prison camp? Big deal, John McCain! Rubio has to see the dentist!
Cruz: ‘We are the only campaign who can beat Donald Trump’
Well, you did do it one time out of three. But – yeah that doesn’t make me feel any better.
These guys sure are a hoot. Thing One discovered a video called “Trump and Friends” which puts the faces of political candidates on the trains from Thomas the Tank Engine, and makes the trains even more disturbing. But it fits perfectly, considering those trains were always being jerks to each other. Enjoy!
Breaking News: Just thought you should know, Hillary barked like a dog on the campaign trail. Back to the post.
You might be wondering – why, Alice, why would you watch that? You know your brain’s still not well after 50 Shades corrosion. Well, I didn’t watch the whole thing – just some highlights. And you know where I got those highlights from, right?
Thanks Facebook News! Or thank you to our political parties, who continue to have some of the most hilarious / bizarre headlines I’ve ever seen. Including these gems from Trump (And no I am not making any of these up):
Donald Trump on Ben Carson Feud: He Started It
Donald swears he is a bestest Christian, not Ben! But only because Ben started it.
Donald Trump Says I Could Shoot Somebody and I Wouldn’t Lose Any Voters
Except the voters he shot dead? Any survivors would keep the bullets in a little shadow box.
And a few minutes after congratulating Ted Cruz on his win in Iowa –
Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz of Stealing the Iowa Caucus
Really, I could just use the headlines featuring Trump and have an entire post. Especially considering he dominates the race to the point that I don’t hear enough about how awful the rest of the candidates are, and I’m pretty sure they’re all awful. But it’s degrees of awful we are talking about here, people. My favorite headline so far is this:
Donald Trump: Presidential Candidate Alludes to Independent Run During Event in South Carolina
Donald’s had it with the Republican party who is totally not being fair to him! I decided to (once again) break my rule against reading the comments to see what Trump supporters thought about this. No worries. They are sure that Trump can still win even if he divides the Republican party because he has a large percentage of the Hispanic vote. Well that makes sense.
Donald Trump Defends Calling Mexicans Rapists
Next they’ll be saying he’s got the Muslim vote. I do realize that people have a tendency to vote against their own interests, like the “chicken voting for Colonel Sanders” as my father always says. That’s Colonel Sanders again, not Bernie. He’s a senator. Pretty sure.
But nevermind that. I say, “Run, Donald, Run!” That way Hillary and Bernie can sit back, take their blood pressure meds and relax. No need to fight each other, guys! Calm down! Bill, please go home – you look tired. And Jeb – really – grown ups don’t usually have their Moms campaign for them. It’s not like she’s class Mom of the Republican party.
Though they certainly need one. In this clip, watch as candidates for the greatest office in the land take turns calling each other lying liars that lie!
So many good moments in this video. First Trump states that Cruz is a liar, a bigger one than Jeb Bush, who pops his head up, eyes wide like a spooked deer, hearing his name, but uncertain what to do about it. He brings up how Rubio tried to take away voters by telling everyone at the caucus that Ben had quit the race, cause like he wasn’t there. (Rubio getting a spot on the next Mean Girls movie? Possibilities!) And later, though it’s hard to hear over the mindless bickering of Trump and Cruz, the moderator actually threatens that he will “turn this car around, gentlemen.” Cruz then informs Trump that grown ups do not interrupt one another. And Trump mutters something like “Yeah like you’re a grown up.” with a sneer.
Guys, even 5-year-olds know better than to talk like that, mostly because their parents and teachers will put them in time out. Personally, I think that’s what the moderator should do – put candidates in time-out according to age. We wouldn’t have to hear from Trump for 69 minutes.
At least there is one thing the Republicans can agree on. Even though the extremely conservative Justice Scalia has died nine months before the election, they believe Obama should wait and let the next president appoint a new justice. Sorry, Obama is still actually the president. And it doesn’t occur to them they might be letting either Hillary or Bernie do it. Or possibly one of our write-in candidates.
Wow, for someone who purposely tries to avoid news as much as possible, I sure get a lot of it. Especially political news, which is always intelligent and thoughtful and I can’t even finish this. It’s not that the reporting itself is bad – unless you are talking about Fox, of course. It’s that the stuff they report is so incredibly stupid. I think I can safely call this the most idiotic election in the history of America, and keep in mind I am including the 2008 election featuring Sarah “Cocker Spaniel” Palin and the 2000 election featuring all the pregnant chads.
For one thing, up until now we’ve had candidates in the Republican party that at least seemed to have brain power. I may not have agreed with McCain, but he wasn’t a whackjob – at least not until they stuck him with Palin as a running mate and his strategy reverted to “Screw it.” But now? The most reasonable one (when he actually talks about issues) seems to me seems to be – and it pains me to say this – Jeb Bush. President Jeb. Yet he’s sinking in the polls faster than his money can save him. And Trump is winning with the power of hate mixed with total holy batcrap insanity.
As far as the Democrats go – you’ve only got two choices, in spite of what poor O’Malley would like you to think. (Can someone just promise him a cabinet seat already so he can go home?) Bernie or Hillary. Democrats seem under the impression that people will vote for Hillary because she has lots of money behind her, and she’s married to Bill who, in spite of his inability to keep his pants zipped, didn’t do so bad as president. The only problem with this is that almost everyone else hates her, or her husband, or both of them, or possibly the entire family including Socks the cat. (Is Socks still alive? I’m guessing no. And, yeah, I’m more interested in the cat now.)
So that just leaves Bernie Sanders (not related to the colonel) because unlike most other Democrats, he doesn’t try to get along with Republicans. He just says what he wants, which you might as well when the opposing party communicates like a two-year-old “No, no, no!”. Will corporations like Bernie? “No,” he says, “and Wal Street will like me even less!” When they ask him about terrorism, or immigration, or terrorist immigration, he often goes back to the these stupid, totally unrelated issues like Americans having a place to eat, sleep, and work. This is what most people would call campaign suicide. Except that you have to remember who the guy is running against.
I have to remember who he’s running against, because sometimes I forget with so many candidates that keep clinging to the podium for dear life. Here are a few tidbits from Facebook that reminded me:
Donald Trump: Republican Presidential Candidate Leads GOP Primary With 13-Point Lead, Poll Says
This is the guy who gets his pointers (like gold stars for all the Muslims!) from Hilter and Ann Coulter (otherwise known as Mrs. Satan). Who gets unnerved when a woman goes potty. Who wants to deport anyone who doesn’t have a dead gerbil for hair or somewhat white skin. Who resembles an Oompa Loompa. Who – if elected – will probably put a giant T on the White House right before half the world bombs us in self-defense.
In case you were wondering if I was exaggerating how awful he and his foreign policy ideas are, here’s another one that just popped up today:
Donald Trump: British Lawmakers Debate Banning Republican Presidential Candidate From UK
-yeah that would be our biggest ally not even wanting him in their country. He wants to ban all Muslims. They just want to ban HIM. No, they haven’t actually barred him (yet?), but the fact that they talked about it says something about us. I think they still remember when we sent Romney over there last election and they aren’t taking chances.
Ted Cruz: GOP Candidate Defends His Presidential Eligibility to Donald Trump During Debate
Unlike Obama, who was born in the US despite many reports made up by Fox to the contrary, Cruz was born in Canada. (Thanks, Canadians!) His mom is American, though, so he was sort of naturalized, depending on how you look at it. The Washington Post actually agrees with Trump, saying that Ted can’t legally run, while some Americans just think he shouldn’t run because he has idiotic ideas and looks like Droopy Dog (this would be me). Other Americans think it is a nonissue because Canada is part of the United States. Ah, Teddy, you might ask Obama for advice on this one. Last I heard he had plastered his birth certificate on every door and window of the White House. Good luck.
Carly Fiorina: Candidate Discusses Hillary Clinton’s Marriage and Email Server Probe in Early Debate
Cause there is nothing like a good political “cat-fight” is there? No, Alice, this is just a political candidate who happens to be a woman saying that “Unlike some women in this campaign, I actually love spending time with my husband.” Ooooh, snap, Hillary! Is this going to be like the “Mommy War Cake Debate” we had with Hillary Clinton and one of the Bush wives (was it Laura? Barbara? I forget). I think Mrs. Bush had a special recipe from great-great- grandma prepared by servants, while Hillary chose the French manufacturer Nestle Tollhouse. In the end, they both just gorged on cake and watched Lifetime together. I might have gotten my facts mixed up, but it sounds good to me. And seriously, Carly, wait a few years. You won’t want to spend time with your husband either.
Rick Santorum: Republican Candidate Tells Viewers to Google His Name During Early GOP Debate
No, really, he did! He asked people to compare his record to Hillary Clinton’s, because everyone knows Google is where you find all your accurate answers! You know, except junior high English teachers who recommend so-called “scholarly” sources. But here’s the fun thing – since Ricky compared gay people to something not so nice, when you Google his name, you come up with something – not so nice. The definition for the word “Santorum” is now something not to be uttered in polite company, as CNN reports. That’s right – the definition is “Trump Dump”. It’s not pretty. Santorum has been trying to change this since 2003, but the Internet has hated him for that long. Nice play there, Ricky!
Republican candidates discuss Marco Rubio’s boots, recommend pant suit to complete look.
Okay so I made up that headline. I didn’t make up the fact that yes, most of the Republican candidates have been bullying Marco* about his girly boots. Anderson Cooper reports on it here on a segment called “The Ridiculist” – clearly Anderson does not understand real news. This was on the 8th, so a little while ago, but directly relates (I don’t know how many times I can say “seriously it does”) to the next real headline.
Jeb Bush: GOP Presidential Candidate’s Campaign Releases Ad Calling Donald Trump a ‘Jerk’
Yup. He did. In fact, it starts out the video!
First you see someone Googling – here we go again – Donald Trump is a jerk. Haha! Then he calls him a jerk. Then you have Trump acting like he’s having a seizure. Then there’s Jeb hugging disabled people because Trump was apparently insulting the disabled. Look, he insults EVERYBODY, including himself. Stay tuned for the next ad when he calls Rubio a “Poopyhead”. Oh wait, he already released an ad earlier with Rubio dancing in cowboy boots to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking”. No – I’m serious. Again.
As Thing One says, it’s clear this campaign is purely for entertainment until the real election pops up. I agree.
“Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where they strung up a man
They say murdered three.
Strange things have happened here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree.”
– “The Hanging Tree” from The Hunger Games
Nothing like The Hunger Games to come up with a happy-go-lucky song like that, huh? I bring it up because I think it fits politics so very well! And not just because I pretend killed almost all presidential candidates in a virtual Hunger Games earlier. You guyz, a strange thing happened, according to Facebook News – tagline: News for Lazy People. No I’m not talking about how Trump said Hillary was not a victim of adultery – because she caused it. I mean, of course she caused it! She wore pant suits and got educated and talked and stuff. Women should not do these things. It’s not natural. It’s not like we could have expected poor Bill to control himself! Wait, did Donald just kind of defend Bill Clinton?
See this is what I’m talking about – strange stuff, guys. But there’s more. Megyn Kelly, Fox News reporter who I love making fun of because of the Santa / Jesus thing (they’re white, white I say!), said something that made sense. I know! I was totally shocked too! Not only that, she defended the Supreme Court’s right to decide on gay marriage. I just . . . whaaaaat? But it’s true, just like before with Santagate, I’ve got video proof!
Like, what the gosh golly gees was that, Megyn? You just argued with the President of the National Organization of Marriage! I mean – there’s a national organization of marriage? How does one get to be president of that? Another commenter on Facebook asked that question, pondering whether it was like calling dibs on the front seat. I’m guessing probably. I’m not sure what this guy does exactly, besides gripe about gays and pick up a paycheck . . . wait that’s what most Republican politicians do also. But what would be the prerequisites for belonging to this organization? Must hate gays, must love marriage (so much so you marry multiple times!), must like showing up on Fox News and stumbling around so much even Megyn can make you look like an idiot, like sharpening pencils. Sounds good to me.
But ANYWAY, my point is that Megyn pointed out that the Supreme Court actually ruled on gay marriage and that, like, made it law. And he complained about having to kowtow to the Supreme Court and she was like, wtf the Supreme Court has the final say on this (that’s why they call them supreme and all), and he invoked the “I don’t know crap about Abraham Lincoln clause” and then she said . . . not making this up – that presidential candidate Huckabee said “Beep you” to the Supreme Court. Which he did! But like she noticed! And he said she was saying Abraham Lincoln was wrong. And – she just sits there with this hilarious expression on her face like she wants to just beat him around some more, but why bother when he’s doing it so well himself? And I had to check that this was indeed Megyn on real life Fox News. Check out her eye roll.
So what could have happened to our Megyn? Did she have like some Biblical moments where the scales fell from her eyes with her fake eyelashes? Did she finally have as much B.S. from Republican blowhards as she could stand? Did she goof up on her cue cards? Is she drunk? I don’t know. But I have found myself agreeing with Megyn Kelly, and as this other commenter pointed out:
“This man is a fucktard, and worse than that, he made me agree with Megyn Kelly. I hate him for that.”
Good point random person from the comment section! See, I am agreeing with things posted in a comment section now! Strange things are happening! Here’s another fabulous Facebook comment:
Could Megyn be turning to the Dark Side (we have cookies AND Cookie Monster!)? I tend to doubt it, but then I saw this. Yes, she’s doing a photo shoot and trying to look like, cough, Katherine Hepburne (blasphemy!) but see what she’s wearing? It’s a pants suit. Sure, call it a power suit, but you just stepped over the Hillary Clinton line, Meg. You even cut your hair. It’s the beginning of the end for you. Better start putting out resumes.
I’m almost sorry Hillary poisoned her in the games. Strange Things. Are you coming to the tree, er polls?