Chapter 17 begins with Christian’s massive peen and Ana’s butt. I think there’s a metaphor for this book in there somewhere. I hate this chapter, and I’ve only read three paragraphs. Then there is sex and swaying hips and crap kill me now. What’s really bad is that after scanning this chapter a couple times, I can’t figure out anyone else to interview except one of those idiots. So I figured, kill them both with one stone.
Alice: Delighted to have you . . . shit, let’s get this over with. So what happened? Anything? I don’t suppose a plot found its way in accidentally.
Christian: First, Ana and I made love. She’s always wet.
Alice: I would recommend Pampers. I hear they are the best at stopping leaks.
Christian: Next I ordered her to eat every bite of her granola.
Alice: Still not seeing how she’s not a preschooler.
Ana: But I have a car! I’m grown up.
Alice: Does Christian let you drive it?
Ana: He did! I put on “King of Pain” on the Ipod and said it was, like, Christian’s song. Get it?
Alice: Please tell me you didn’t just insult Sting. I feel rage.
Ana: I worried I might not have a job anymore! Marry the gazillionaire. Subconscious, you rapacious bitch! (This is right from the book. No, really.)
Christian: Charming, isn’t she?
Alice: She’s fucking nuts. Next.
Christian: I gave her strict instructions on how to drive. You push that one pedal, and then that other pedal. And I started to think we should have practiced more with the Big Wheel.
Ana: But I did it!
Alice: So then you went to work.
Ana: First Christian and I talked about how we were afraid the other one might leave us and make us sadfaced. And he wanted to know if I’d marry him again.
Alice: Sheesh, it’s been, what, two weeks since you met him? What’s the hold up?
Ana: Oh, but guess what? When I got to work, Jack’s boss told me she was giving me Jack’s job. I’m, like, an editor.
Ana: And I got his big office too! After only a week of work!
Ana: So I called Christian and asked if he got me the job but he said no and I didn’t believe him and he got angryfaced that I didn’t believe him.
Ana: Then Ethan came by, they call him the blond god at work cause he is so hot, and he said I looked hot.
Alice: Wait, which one’s Ethan?
Ana: Kate’s brother. And then Christian’s sister Mia showed up and I asked them to go out together cause I was busy being all businessy and I bet they are going to fall in love!
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: Wait, he said you were hot? Are you sleeping with him?
Ana: Christi-poo, don’t be silly! I only let one man tie me up and beat me.
Alice: Just – weren’t you two supposed to meet with Dr. Flynn?
Ana: Yes. But first, Christian sent me an email.
Christian: Alice, you’re supposed to put the corkscrew in the wine bottle, not your eye.
Alice: My mistake. So then you went to see Dr. Flynn.
Ana: First I bought Christian a tiny little present but didn’t say what it was so that the reader would have to guess! Then we went to Dr. Flynn’s office.
Ana: The female receptionist saw Christian and started orgasming which was like, ew, cause she could be his mother and old women are so gross!
Alice: I hate you.
Ana: I was surprised that the charlatan’s office wasn’t like something out of Freud. Because I like to stereotype the shit out of stuff. And I told him about the NDA. Dr. Flynn asked Christian about that and he was like, yeah, I do that with my relationships and Dr. Flynn was amused.
Alice: You realize his degree is an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Kid, right?
Christian: I highly respect Dr. Flynn.
Alice: There you go.
Christian: But then he had me leave the room. I was madfaced.
Ana: Dr. Flynn noticed Christian intimidated me. I said not as much as before. And he said, like, he wasn’t surprised and then he asked if he could help me.
Alice: Just skipped right over the intimidating . . . whatever. Next.
Ana: Dr. Flynn told me my, um, “down there” had done more for Christian than any silly therapy could! And then he said a lot of big psychologyish words that I didn’t understand cause he is so smart and I’m like, not, and then he said he didn’t think Christian was a sadist cause that isn’t psychiatric term and he said that Christian just decided not to do BDSM anymore cause I didn’t want him to and I didn’t think it could be so simple.
Alice: Yeah, it can’t.
Ana: Dr. Flynn said “Why not?” He has a British accent. That makes him even more smarter. And he said we shouldn’t beat our breasts, but I don’t, I let Christian do that. Then he said Christian was emotionally an adolescent.
Alice: Finally we agree on something.
Ana: And I said I was not good enough cause I’m not quite as hot and Dr. Flynn said I was attractive and that he was so happy Christian was in love with me.
Alice: Totally appropriate.
Ana: Then Christian dragged me out of the office. And we argued about driving.
Christian: Silly girl thought she could drive her own car. Pfft.
Ana: We had a cute little spat and I pulled over dangerously, and then we fought some more and then he drove and asked me what I said to Flynn and I told him and he asked what else I said to Flynn and I told him that too and then I asked if he thought his subs were lovers and he said no and I was so surprised.
Alice: He’s said that literally dozens of times before, you moron.
Christian: And then we got to the special secret place I was taking Ana. But it’s a surprise, you won’t find out till next time!
Alice: I hope it’s a lava pit and you guys fall in and become flaming balls of stupid.
Christian: I think we should invite Alice to the wedding, don’t you, Ana?*
*I’m not going and they can’t make me. Not unless there’s a LOT of booze.
Today, reader, we’re in for a great session. A session with Dr. Flynn, Psychiatrist Man. I know I could use a visit with a shrink at this point. Although the only thing I can think to say at this point is whyyyyyyy? Just why? Why, why, why, why, why, why . . .
Pardon me. I managed to catch Dr. Flynn just as he was leaving the masked ball and he agreed to meet with me in his office late at night. He says he does this with all his clients. Also, he has a cage in his office instead of a couch. I’m a little suspicious but he says this is a “new kind of therapy.”
Alice: Dr. Flynn, I’m glad you made room in your busy schedule to . . . is there something hissing in your desk drawer?
Flynn: Possibly. How does that make you feel, Alice?
Alice: Let’s get to the questions. How long have you been Christian’s psychiatrist?
Flynn: Oh, it’s been ages.
Alice: Don’t you have actual records?
Flynn: Oh, no. While he’s talking to me, I just doodle on my notepad. See these are my notes from the last session.
Alice: That’s a pony jumping over a rainbow.
Flynn: Impressive, isn’t it? So I guess you’d like me to tell you all about Christian.
Alice: You can’t do that. There’s that doctor / patient confidentiality thing.
Flynn: Oh, posh. Christian and I are great friends. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me telling you how fucked up he is. He’s 50 shades of fucked up, you know. I told him that in our first session. I said, “Wow, you’re 50 shades of fucked up.”
Alice: Just . . . I don’t even . . .
Flynn: We had such a great time at the masked ball. First we ate. Would you like to see the entire menu? Or a list of all of the prizes offered for a meaningless drawing?
Alice: Why would anyone need to see that? You’re showing it all to me anyway. Of course you are.
Flynn: After we ate, there was this fundraiser. Worthy cause. Something about kids and drugs. Maybe it pays for their drugs, I don’t know. Anyway, they had a bidding war for a first dance with the ladies. I bid on his girlfriend, and then he bid more, and I bid more, and it was so much fun.
Alice: You . . . bid on your client’s girlfriend?
Flynn: Sure, why not?
Alice: Because you’re a freaking psychiatrist! You aren’t supposed to be friends with your clients, or spend time after hours with your client, and you sure as hell are not supposed to BID on their girlfriends.
Flynn: You are so closed minded, Alice. It’s not like I won her anyway. Christian bid 100,000 dollars on her, and I really couldn’t go over 25,000 dollars.
Alice: I didn’t think psychiatrists were quite that wealthy.
Flynn: It helps when you charge 50,000 per session. So after the bidding, I cut in on a dance with the lovely Ana. She’s such a beauty, and so smart too! Did you know she plays six musical instruments, speaks fluent Mandarin, and is keen on yoga?
Alice: I buy the yoga part, since Christian twists her into a pretzel routinely. The only instrument she plays, though, is her vagina, and she can’t even speak English well, much less Mandarin. Why would she need to speak Mandarin anyway?
Flynn: Because Ana is a special snowflake and can do anything! She can even dance while vaginal balls are stuffed up her hoo ha.
Alice: That’s the kind of skill you could put on a resume.
Flynn: Isn’t it? Ah, those crazy lovebirds are always being crazy! They snuck off a couple of times to bump and grind. I know because I listened at his bedroom door.
Alice: That is creepy and weird.
Flynn: They did have some trouble with Christian’s Mrs. Robinson. Cute name for his molester, don’t you think?
Flynn: She warned Ana to not hurt Christian, and then Christian called her and told her to quit bothering her.
Alice: I thought they were both at the same ball. Why call her?
Flynn: Because . . . well, next they had fireworks, and you know how Ana is fascinated by shiny things! She was so cute. They had security all around since Leila has been stalking them. But Ana was rightly most concerned about Mrs. Robinson, who passed her a note saying she’d beat her up if she messed with Christian and to, you know, call her.
Flynn: Oh, her car was also vandalized. Someone took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires and carved her name into the leather seats . . . wait, that’s a country song. No, someone threw paint on her car and slashed the tires. Of course that someone is Leila, cause who else would want to do that to Ana? Scary, isn’t it?
Alice: Not really.
Flynn: So they left, but later Christian called me so upset! He needed counseling because someone broke into his apartment! I told him to go in and check it out himself.
Alice: Good plan there. Last question. What do you think of Ana?
Flynn: Well, I just adore her, but not enough to go against Christian! That guy used to beat the shit out of his classmates when he was a kid. A real juvenile delinquent. Isn’t that charming?
Alice: Hey, that fits right in on that last question on my psychopath survey. I knew it!
Flynn: Well, it’s a good thing I’m not going to tell you about Christian’s issues, or we’d be here all night! Get it? That’s a psychiatrist joke.
Alice: No it’s not. Where exactly did you get your degree?
Dr. Flynn: Are you trying to call me an expensive charlatan? Because I’ll have you know I’ve got real degrees from ShrinksRUsUniversity.
Alice: That’s not a university.
Dr. Flynn: It is on the internet. See, I’ve even got a certificate.
Alice: That’s an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Dr. Flynn: Ah, well, university degrees are for elitists.
Alice: Uh huh. Well, I think that’s all the questions I have for you.
Dr. Flynn: If you ever need a shrink, give me a call, hmm?
Alice: Sure. I’m just going to, you know, back out of here slowly and watch you the entire time, ‘kay? Bye now.
Okay, I’m at a loss as to who to interview next. This chapter of Ana’s memoirs is filled almost entirely with meaningless sex and cray cray. Who could possibly be an authority on that? Ana, is that you?
Inner Goddess: Oh, no I’m inner goddess. Ana and subconscious are out today.
Alice: Right. Hell, why not? So what’s it like being one of the voices in Ana’s head?
Inner Goddess: Well, for the longest time like I was just so, so bored, you know? I mean like Ana totally wasn’t worth anything because she didn’t have a guy and no guy was like good enough for her because she only loves literary heroes and psychos and she like hadn’t met either yet but then she met Christian and OMG he is so HOT and I have like been so totally happy ever since!
Alice: This interview is going to suck.
Inner Goddess: I am like an expert on sucking! I taught Ana all about how to –
Alice: Yeah, that’s okay. We know.
Inner Goddess: So there was all this up and down and in and out and all around and they did the hokey pokey and I did triple salcows! And Ana touched Christian some more around the lipstick marks.
Alice: How long has he had that lipstick on him?
Inner Goddess: Pretty sure it was Revlon Long Lasting in Sex Me Up Red.
Alice: Well that explains it.
Inner Goddess: Ana got dressed in a like beautiful gown like totally better than Cinderella, and then her prince, that’s Christian, slid her sparkly . . .
Inner Goddess: No silly, vaginal balls. He slid them up her “down there”.
Alice: For a charity ball at his parents’ home. He’s having her wear – why am I surprised? Okay, what happened next, if anything?
Inner Goddess: He gave her a mask and they got in the car and they talked while the balls went whush whush into her hoo ha, and I waved my pom poms and they got to the ball which was really big with like all these bitches that were bitchin’ about my Ana because she is way hotter and specialer than any of those hos. And she met his grandparents, but like who cares because they are so old and Mia was bouncing like she was high on crack again and Miss European Pigtails showed up which really made Ana mad and . . . Alice are you okay?
Alice: Fine, thanks.
Inner Goddess: But you’re beating your head on the table. That looks painful.
Alice: No, no, do go on.
Inner Goddess: Okey dokey. So Ana and Christian so wanted to have sexy times cause they were at this charity ball, right, and what else would you want to do? And Ana had to get the vag balls out of her hoo ha, but then Mia went to the potty with her before Christian could, so she just stuffed the balls in her purse and they both were pouty because they like didn’t get to DO IT and we were so horny and drunk that we decided to bid all the money Christian gave us on this Aspen home. He has lots of homes, you know, like McCain, and he also can’t remember how many. That is so cute! Oh, but you know Christian will be so mad at Ana because OMG she used money he gave her to like bet on something without his permission so we are totally left on a cliffhanger, Alice! Alice? Alice?
Alice: Oh, are you done?
Inner Goddess: I knew you weren’t listening. It’s because you’re a blond in a cute little blue dress with a pinafore. Your kind can’t be trusted.
Alice: That must be it. Thanks so much, Inner Goddess. Please go away now.
Inner Goddess: Oh, I’ll never go away. I am a part of you with my happy, happy pom poms and my voice of pure joy and horniness and oh noo don’t take that antipsychotic nooooooooo I’m melting!
Alice: Much better. Stay tuned next time when we interview Dr. Flynn. I think I will need his services. Don’t you, subconscious?