I’m fairly certain I’m in a time machine. Because I know I already did Chapter 16, but now here it is again. I think somehow James keeps adding chapters in my sleep, so that I will never finish. It’s like when you’re in Vegas, and you would swear that the next casino is just a block away, but it’s really like 27 blocks, and you’re never getting out of the Circus Circus parking lot alive. Yeah, like that.
So last we left Ana, Jack Hyde, otherwise known as Snidely Whiplash, was about to pounce on her. Now I don’t advocate rape, ever, but maybe he could have just stuck her head into the copier and pressed copy about a billion times while laughing hysterically. I would have more respect for him. Anyway, oh look, here’s Snidley again to tell his side of the story.
Alice: Hello, Jack. Quit twisting your mustache, it’s creepy.
Jack: I guess you want to know about that tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick-tease?
Alice: Wow. That’s romantic.
Jack: That’s what I was going for! I thought I had her, but Dudley Do-Right showed up and– foiled again!
Alice: Ah, right. So what happened?
Jack: Well, I waited until closing, when my ride was due to pick me up in five minutes. Then I made my move when she went into the break room. I had carefully set up the Zingers as bait.
Alice: Yeah, uh, that doesn’t seem like the best plan, there. If your ride was about to pick you up for the airport, how were you going to have time to rape her?
Jack: I . . . nevermind! It was genius! I leered at her and told her about all the emails she’d been sending. The idiot has an ancient Blackberry, but uses her work email?
Alice: Yeah, even Christian figured out that was moronic.
Jack: And I told her she wasn’t the most qualified but I fought for her! And she owed me for this job!
Alice: If only you’d been Christian, this all would have worked out so well.
Jack: Yes! I followed all his moves, but it didn’t work for me! She kicked me in the groin and ran, which was not a nice thank you.
Alice: Cause every girl wants to be felt up on the copier. Actually, Ana might. But only if it were Christian. So then what?
Jack: Do-Right’s minion Taylor came in and shouted at me so it would sound bad, but really he was just wanting to ask if I’d help him out later with a little project. It was hard to hear over Christian yelling at Ana – you could hear it through Taylor’s walky-talky.
Alice: Wait – Ana nearly gets raped and Christian yells at her?
Jack: Well, yeah, he said he was pissed at her and she was stupid and to get in the motherfucking car.
Alice: Wow . . . way to make a gal feel safe there.
Jack: And then Do-Right came in and they made me pack up my desk. I mean, I was totally fired for that? I thought office rape was standard policy.
Alice: . . .
Jack: So they led me to my cab and I took off.
Alice: You mean they didn’t arrest you?
Jack: I didn’t rape her, just tried to, so it was totes okay. Luckily, Ana still had that camera in her purse, so I was able to tell what was going on after that.
Alice: If the camera was inside the purse, how could you –
Jack: Just go with it. James does. First Christian wouldn’t talk to her, and then he got her in the elevator and stuck his tongue down her throat. And then they drank.
Alice: The girl is almost raped but is okay with making out immediately afterward . . . nevermind, why do I ask?
Jack: And they yammered about Jose coming to visit and Christian was pouty just cause Jose had tried to rape her too. I mean, seriously, what’s up with that? And she said she didn’t like Elena, and Christian was all surprised about that for some reason and then she was on her own and she decided to explore the apartment.
Alice: Explore the . . . she really is like a goldfish. By the time she gets to one side of the apartment, she’s forgotten what was on the other side.
Jack: She went into the Red Room o’ Pain and dug through the museum chest. There she found an assortment of sex toys, all carefully organized. There was a butt drawer, a vibrator drawer, a genital drawer, and the leather straps and ballgags drawer. (I did not make that up, I shit you not.)
Alice: Well, it’s nice that he’s organized.
Jack: Christian thought maybe she wouldn’t want to do it cause she was attacked but Ana was like, no biggie, so they got out a spreader bar . . .
Alice: A spreader bar? Nevermind. Please don’t tell me.
Jack: And he tied her up and had sex with her that went on and on and on. I mean, I wasn’t even going to tie her up. Life is just not fair.
Alice: Yeah. It doesn’t make sense either. I am in some sort of warped parallel universe.**
* Do-Right and Whiplash are totally Canadian. Of course.
**It is called E.L.JamesFunLand Express