What is NaNoWriNo? Well, it started with Jen of Jen and Tonic when she decided she thought NaNoWriMo was too much work, so instead of writing 50,000 words, she’d just write a blog post every day for a month. Like with Nano, it’d be more about quantity than quality, which means we can make our posts suck if we want. Now I’d been doing that anyway (writing posts once a day, not sucking, although possibly that too), and it was making my head spin, so I decided to not do that. But then Jen said she was doing it, and then Speaker 7 said she was doing it too, and then this other blogger said she was doing it (I forgot her name, sorry) and so then it was like I had to do it too. Because when they say would you jump off a cliff if your friends did, that pretty much describes me.
Of course, I think Jen and Speaker have a much better chance of getting people loving even their suckiest posts because they are awesome plus they have mob ties with Le Clown™. He invites them over to his blog for parties all the time. Does he invite Alice™? No. And all because she might have said her contest was better than his because she lets people cheat. And she made fun of him. And she started trademarking whatever he hadn’t trademarked, including his name: Le Clown™. Still, is that a reason not to invite someone to be a guest on your flaming clown blog? No it is not. Don’t you like how I answer my own questions? Of course you do.
So anyhoo, that’s 30 blog posts right there, but allowing suckiness is definitely making me feel better about this. You see I type pretty fast, but not nearly as fast as I think (eleventybillion words a second), so I can write most blog posts in around 10 minutes or so (except the 50 Shades ones as they require reading and puking breaks). However, I like adding pictures, and this can take hours hunting around on scary Google Images for just the right stupid picture that probably no one will notice I snatched. So I figured I could try recycling my pictures, which I have never done before.
Speaker mentioned she might just write the word “Post” which is brilliant. She is also fortunate in that she has two blog helpers, providing they let Hugo out of puppet prison and Goofy gets out of rehab. I need blog helpers, besides Thing One and Thing Two who perch beside me at the computer while I type (except NOT when I am writing the 50 shades posts. I want to protect their fragile brains from Dumb™.) Maybe I can dig around in their toy chests. Or I could get a voodoo doll that might or might not be a clown.
Oh, right, and there was this other thing going on next month. No, not the turkey thing, the Movember thing, with the mustaches and prostate awareness and stuff. I’m thinking many bloggers will write moving and enlightening posts on this topic. I will not be one of them. Probably I will put a mustache on a turkey.
So this is Alice™ signing off. Let’s see which one of us poops out first. Or just uses “poop” in a post. Why is everyone looking at me?
I was going to do a recap, and then my sensible subconscious refused to read and got in a fight with my inner goddess that loves watching train wrecks and they had this big fight and now my brain hurts. So instead of a recap this time, I thought I’d prepare a question and answer page. You’ve got questions; I’ve got answers. Not necessarily intelligent or even relevant answers, but answers. Here we go.
Q1: You didn’t read this for the lolz. You read it for the smut, right?
A1: The smut is part of the lolz. So yes, in a way. An example of said smut:
“He kneels and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no . . . Will it? How?” (Ch8 p105)
Yes, how? How did this get published? How?
Q2: Why did you cave into the peer pressure?
A2: I missed that afterschool special. I was jumping off cliffs with my friends.
Q3: Why do women act like they don’t like porn and then read stuff like this?
A3: This is not porn! This is like the best luv story since Twilight! Example:
“I will fuck you, any time, any way I want – anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me.” (Ch13 p182)
That Christian Grey! You don’t get more romantic than that, ladies.
Q4: Why are people so giggly about these books when there is real porn around?
A4: It’s not porn you guyz, it is a story of Tru Luvs! See here:
“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward. “Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here.”(Ch8 p109)
Just stick a flag in her, Christian, and be done with it.
Q5: What is the point of this book?
A5: I . . . just . . . don’t . . . know.
Q6: Four chapters and not so much as a safe word?
A6: You need safe words to read this book. I’ve been screaming mine repeatedly, but the story just keeps going anyway.
Q7: How old is this author?
A7: Asked and answered by the same person! She’s 49! No, really!
Q8: Does Ana really have all these subconscious voices that speak to her? Do they have a dialogue together?
A8: Oh, yeah, sometimes the voices fight Ana, and sometimes they fight with each other. Here’s a fun example.
“You can’t be seriously considering this . . . My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this . . . otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.” (Ch11 p152)
Girl, you’re twenty freaking one. You don’t have to take the first psychopath who comes along. I’m sure there are plenty more out there and you will find every last one of them.
Q9: Is one voice a slut and one a virgin?
A9: That’s a toughie, since I’ve counted at least three voices so far. Sometimes it seems like one voice is either sensible or slut-shaming, and the other is both childlike and sex-crazed. Which makes so much sense.
“My subconscious shakes her head. You wanted to run to the Heathman for sex – you had it express delivered. She crosses her arms and taps her foot with a what-are-you-complaining-about look on her face.” (Ch12 p167)
Just a chapter or two ago, this same voice was shaming Ana for losing her virginity to someone she didn’t know. Now it thinks she should be appreciative that Christian went to her house uninvited and sexed her up. E.L. James can’t even keep Ana’s psychoses in character! Jeez.
Q10: Does Ana have Multiple Personality Disorder?
A10: She has so many disorders. The biggest one is Dumb.
“I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?”
Nothing, Ana. When you shake your head, there is a tiny, tiny rattling sound.