I had so much fun reading your mad libs, that I just had to show them off to everybody. My refrigerator wasn’t quite big enough, and if I listed all of them on the next recap, the recap would be several pages long – er. So I’m dedicating a special post to them. I simply must do another of these things soon.
For those not in the know, I created the original mad lib from a random paragraph in 50 Shades Freed and took out random words. My readers filled in the rest. The scary thing is that they all made about as much sense as the actual paragraph. Except they were a lot funnier. This is the original mad lib:
“Do you want a _____, a ____? What do you ___, Ana?” Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____. He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon. This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______. This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now. My____, ____ 50 Shades.
Here we go.
“Do you want a STD, a baby? What do you suck, Ana?” Christian shat at me and I know he’s got diarrhea – my lost buttplug dealing with events beyond his schlong. He’s been stupid and pungent all afternoon. This is a bitch he cannot manipulate and train. This is my vagina in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s one and done now. My shitty, idiotic 50 Shades.” – twindaddy
Vagina in the raw cracked me the hell up. Well done, twindaddy! And no doubt true in Ana’s case.
“Do you want a balloon animal, a platypus? What do you smash, Ana?” Christian shanghaied at me and I know he’s ionized – my lost piglet dealing with events beyond his phantasmagoria. He’s been photosynthesizing and fluorescing all afternoon. This is a jeroboam he cannot manipulate and how. This is mucus in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s buccaneering and curtseying now. My poultry, emasculate 50 Shades.” – goldfish
As usual, goldfish’s vocabulary continues to astound and amaze me and crap I’m sounding like James now. I think offering her a balloon animal or a platypus either one would have to make her feel better. But what about the poor piglet?
“Do you want a dummy, a nappy? What do you want, Ana?” Christian burped at me and I know he’s ridiculous – my lost sense of self dealing with events beyond his mental aptitude. He’s been acting like a child and throwing his toys all afternoon. This is a situation he cannot manipulate and somehow he still doesn’t realize how stupid he is. This is egotism in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s a caricature of himself of himself and bloody annoying now. My crappity, crap crap 50 Shades.” – kirstenhywhyte
I just love this one for so many reasons. I can see Christian acting like a child and throwing his toys – come to think of it, that’s what he’s doing when he throws Ana around. Crappity crap crap, indeed.
“Do you want a shit, a crap? What do you think, Ana?” Christian waved his ‘down there’ at me and I know he’s got an STD – my lost puppy dealing with events beyond his ‘down there’. He’s been crying and wailing all afternoon. This is a catastrophe of epic proportions that he cannot manipulate and shit. This is eggs in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s going to go celibate and I wish I had a brain now. My poor, little poopsy 50 Shades.” – Miss Four Eyes
OMG, laughing hysterically here. No, Christian, don’t wave your “down there” and show off your STD! We don’t need to be introduced!
“Do you want a butt plug, a butt plug? What do you butt plug, Ana?” Christian butt plugged at me and I know he’s butt plugged – my lost butt plug dealing with events beyond his butt plug. He’s been butt plugged and butt plugged all afternoon. This is a butt plug he cannot manipulate and butt plug. This is butt plugged in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s butt plugged and butt plugged now. My butt plug, butt plug 50 Shades.” – faithhopechocolate
Sweet and simple. You can insert buttplug into any sentence in 50 Shades. Get it?
“Do you want a doing, a winner? What do you analyst, Ana?” Christian attacks at me and I know he’s underneath – my lost qualifying dealing with events beyond his fleet. He’s been temper and entering all afternoon. This is a rabbit he cannot manipulate and formula. This is bundle in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s killing and substance now. My oval, buttery 50 Shades.” – thelesbiannextdoor
She used a random word generator for this one. I think we’ve now figured out the secret to how James writes her books. Buttery 50 Shades is fabulous.
So there you go. 50 Shades of hilarity. Stay tuned tomorrow for the next buttplug, er, 50 Shades recap.
Hullo, all. I am guest posting on the blog of another Alice. Since she’s an Alice, she is obviously fab. She’s had lots of great guest stars already, like a storm trooper and . . . I think Oprah was there once. Anyway, I am writing about why I write about 50 Shades. Check it out, and check out Alice X 2!
NOTE: The next of the visitors on my list is my fellow Alice, from that wonder of wonders, Wonderland! Want to know what’s with her reading and recapping 50 Shades of Horrible?!, I mean Grey, then you picked some timing, as today, you shall find out!
Want to jump in on the visits? Then let me know, send an email or leave a comment and I’ll get you set up for here, or my blog of randomness.
Anyone who has ever taken a look at my blog can come to two conclusions right off the bat. First, the gal likes Alice in Wonderland. Second, the gal has a rather unhealthy obsession with the 50 Shades series by E.L. James. In fact, a large portion of her blog is actually (we’re not even going to count the posts) dedicated to bitching about these books. So you might be wondering – why?
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I thought about skipping this lesson because thirteen is unlucky, right? Then I got concerned that maybe that would be the one chapter where James sneakily hid the plot and I would miss it. So I read it. Now I wish I’d skipped it. And the rest of the book.
Yet class must go on! You may be wondering about the answer to our last question: “In the next chapter A) Slutty realtor shows up and sluts up the place B) Kate is sadfaced because Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana C) Nothing happens or D) all of the above. As usual, most of you completely missed the mark, but the absolute best at this was Twindaddy with this answer: “Where is E? Oompa Loompas come streaming out of Ana’s vagina like a clown car. And they are all wearing nose plugs.” I laughed so hard Oompa Loompas came out of my nose.
But the time for laughter is over, cause we’re back to this shitty book. If you recall, last chapter the Moron Brigade were all on their way to Aspen on Christian’s Bat Jet. They get to Ana’s house (Zomg she owns a house in Aspen! Who cares?) and Ana thinks, hey, they’re at a freaking ski lodge, maybe she could learn to ski. But Christian gets madfaced and says “You might break your neck.” (RedFlag) I’m failing to see the problem here. Kate looks sadfaced and Ana thinks maybe it has to do with that psycho Jack Hyde, then she realizes that this place was designed by Slutty Realtor who had a fling with Christian’s brother (who just happens to be Kate’s boyfriend, keep up)! Clearly a rival female is cause for much more alarm than a psycho murderer. (AnaFail)
Ana expresses her concern and Christian replies that his brother Elliot “has fucked most of Seattle.” Well, thank goodness. I was afraid Kate was going to get away without 25 different kinds of venereal disease. (Facepalm) “Mainly women” Christian adds – as a joke. Cause it’s funny, huh? The idea that he could be gay. Talk about a joke! (Double Facepalm) They joke some more about how terrible it would have been if Christian were some gay freak, as opposed to a straight freak, and yes, James, we get it. Gay people are funny. Hee hee. (AliceRage)
Yes, that Christian is sure a prize. Ana says, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for Cancer, and all three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.” Think about that for a moment. Hang on a sec. I’m going to smack my head against a door.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bannnnnnnnggggg!
Okay, I’m back. That’s just such a perfect description for this guy. He’s like winning the fucking lottery. No, wait, he’s like better than a cure for Cancer, you know, that horrible disease that kills millions of people worldwide. Or a magic lamp, where you could wish for a cure for Cancer, or for millions of dollars, or fuck, a Klondike bar. He is better than all of this. Yup. Yup. I’m just, not even, you know I just . . . moving on. (Big Freakin’ AnaFail)
Next up, something horrible happens. An atom bomb falls and blows up the ski lodge! Wait, that would be a good thing. No, the horrible thing is rain. That’s right. It dared to rain and spoil their fun (Facepalm). Fuck you, rain. But all is not lost. Mia decides that the girls can do girly stuff, which is shopping, while the boys can do boy stuff, which is fishing. Just so you’ve got these sex roles straight here.
Well Ana and the girls go shopping and Ana spends enough money to get some pretty good research on that silly Cancer cure going on a dress that doesn’t cover her ass. Zomg, it’s like so overpriced and poor Ana she has to spend all this money and gosh it makes her so uncomfortable! (AnaFail) Afterward, Ana sees Elliot across the way and he is talking to Slutty Realtor which must mean they are dun dun dunnnnn having an affair! Because they’re, like, talking! I don’t care! (BoredNow)
They get back to the lodge and Kate and Ana talk about “Cocktailgate” which is code for that time Christian acted like an asshole cause Ana went out for drinks with her friend. And you know what? I hear gate thrown on the end of one more word I’m just going to smack that person really, really hard. Not everything is a gate. Stop it.
Kate is sadfaced because Elliot is “distant”. Again, not caring. There’s more pages to this chapter. Why? Ana goes to the garage and blah blahs with Elliot until Christian gets back. They decide to take a bath but not before sexy times but thank God she skips over it. My head already hurts from the door. So moving on . . . they’re taking a bath and Christian kisses her toes and man, I really thought I might make it through without vomiting this time! They finish the bath and Ana tries on the dress and then, oh shit, not this again. She emails Christian because he’s totally like two rooms away.
Christian comes to check out the dress, and we get to the very best part, the part that makes her “Christian is better than a cure for Cancer” bit sound totes awesome. Christian notes the edge of the dress is not far from her hoo-ha and just to make sure she gets it, he sticks his . . . hang on. The door. Then the toilet.
Bang, bang, bang, puuuuuuuke.
He sticks his finger up inside her and says “This is mine.” And I just realized that the AliceScreams deduction, which takes 20 points off, is just not enough for this chapter. I’m going with the (Ihatethisfuckingbookomghowcanheownhervaginathatsnotrightarghhhh) deduction which is 500 points off. That’s right. 500 points. Methinks James will once again fail this chapter. Oh, but there’s still two more pages.
They all go out to dinner, blah blah, then Elliot asks Kate to marry him which I totally didn’t see coming at all and BAM the chapter is OVER Hallelujah Praise Jehovah and Pass the Buttplugs.
Final Score 100 -18 -500 =-518
In our next installment of This Fucking Book . . . you know, I think I’ll switch it up and ask a Math question.
If Christian’s peen is going 90 miles an hour and Ana’s hoo ha is going 50 miles per hour, how long until Alice has a mental breakdown? Answer below!
So we’ve made it to chapter twelve. I knew we could do it. Don’t look ahead on the syllabus, you’ll only – you did, didn’t you? Well, it’s your fault that you just realized there are eleventy billion more chapters because E.L. continues to add them in our sleep.
So last time I asked you to fill in the blank of this question “Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.” I got some creative responses on this one. And by creative I mean slightly disturbing, as usual. I’m so proud of my students! I couldn’t choose a favorite, so here they are.
Lesbiannextdoor: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana breathed. It seems that’s all it takes for that twatnozzle to get mad at her! Uggghh this god damned book!
Speaker 7: The correct answer is Christian’s all sad piano because Ana lost her vagina.
TAE: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana discovers masturbation!
Womansmdguide: I’m confused. Christian plays the sad piano and Ana sucks the trombone? Because…she wanted to finish the chapter? Nah!! Because she washed her own butt plug? Because she DIDNT wash the butt plug! That’s IT!
Miss Four Eyes: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana dies tragically (which is actually not very tragic for us) after her brain exploded from trying to learn the alphabet.
Storkhunter: Christian gets all sadfaced because Ana stops calling him her Fifty after she realises she only has ten fingers.
GiggsMcGillJill: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana turns out not to be Bella from Twilight, but Christian appears to be Edward since he’s playing the piano and being sadfaced….
Faithhopechocolate: I’m guessing Christipoo went all sadfaced because Ana probably mentioned his crack-whore mommy or something. Or maybe he just decided that he’s a complete heel and useless human being who’ll never actually be liked by any women with brains. Or maybe Ana had a brain transplant with a golden retriever and is now marginally more intelligent?
Of course all of you got it wrong. Good job! The correct answer is – well, let’s just get to it and you’ll see that Christian was, like, totally justified in playing sad piano. And so are we, because we are reading this shit. Let’s get to it.
We start off exactly where we left off last time, with Ana cuddling with her Christipoo after he tortured her with sexytimes until she used the safe word to make him stop. Awww. We’d just learned the incredibly important plot point that Christian and Jack Hyde were born in the same town. That answers so much. By which I mean nothing.
Ana thinks of Christipoo as a sad little abused Oliver Twist (AliceScreams) again and tells Christian and even he is annoyed by this. She says she knows he just wants to control her every breath because he wants to protect her (RedFlag, AnaFail), and he says “Yet you still choose to defy me” (RedFlag) Ana ponders this in her tiny, tiny brain and thinks “Holy Cow (AliceScreams), do I do that deliberately?” Yes, Ana, you do, so it’s all your fault that he’s a psycho who will probably kill you. Of course. (AnaFail, AliceRage)
Ana tells him she safeworded him because she was afraid he wouldn’t stop and Christian says he got “lost in the moment” which is the usual defense for ax murderers, and Ana says “for some bizarre reason the thought pleases me.” (AnaFail) Crap, Ana, you make it pretty much impossible to feel sorry for you. Only this book could make me wish for a fictional murder / suicide.
Ana tells him she’ll “try to be more considerate”. (AnaFail) And Christian says he’s sorry he acted like an asshole. Haha, just kidding! No he doesn’t. He falls asleep and has another nightmare about crackmommy or something stupid (AliceScreams). Ana wakes him up and he mauls her, because nothing heals Christian faster than Anavagina. (FacePalm) He commands her to orgasm, which she does (AliceScreams) AGAIN. She’s like one of those blow up dolls, only programmable to explode on cue.
They go to sleep again, and Ana wakes up to hear, dun dun dun, Sad Piano! (AliceScreams) Ana asks what’s wrong with the poor Christipoo puppy? And he says, “A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She safewords on me.” (WTF, RedFlag) Talk about problems, man. I mean, nevermind that you’ve got some guy trying to kill your wife, she won’t sit and stay and sometimes whimpers when you smack her around too much! (AliceRage) Jeez!
So naturally Ana says “You asshat, you’re lucky I didn’t call the fucking cops! And stop playing that goddamn piano before I shove those keys up your fucking nose until they pierce your brain!” Haha, just kidding. No, Ana says “I’m sorry.” (AnaFail, Facepalm) She asks what his bad dream was about and he tells her she was cold and dead. A dream or a future forecast? Who knows? Gosh, this is fun.
The next morning Ana is all philosophizing about how tortured Christian was and how he tortured her (no seriously, she thinks this) and how she needs to “chart a course” for their love and still keep her “integrity and independence” and I just spat my drink all over the keyboard. (FacePalm) She’s cute when she’s stupid.
Christian informs her she has a surprise! He’s gonna kill her! Just kidding. He takes her to his jet (he has a jet cause he is super rich and hott you guyz, omg). And on the jet is the rest of the Moron Brigade – his stupid brother and sister, and her pal Kate and her brother. They are flying to Aspen all together! Whee. (BoredNow) Ana is so excited she pees on the floor.
Christian decides to have a word with Ana in private on the jet (Now he’s gonna kill her) and throws her over his shoulder and carries her off. (FacePalm) Omg, that is so cute I could puke. They blah blah about something, and Ana sees the stewardess is hot and brunette and oh nooos! (FacePalm) Then Ana blah blahs with Kate about the whole nearly getting dead from Hyde business (BoredNow) and then they tell more about Hyde like that his parents were drunks and he went to Princeton and blah blah I don’t give a crap. (BoredNow) And Christian’s brother makes fun of him (go Elliot) and then we end the chapter on this daring cliffhanger. Natalia, hot brunette stewardess asks . . . “May I offer anyone coffee?” Dun dun dunnnn.
Final Score: (calculated by red deductions (-2) and purple AliceScreams deductions (-20)) 100-38 – 100 = -38
Next time on The Vaginal Balls of Wrath . . .
A: Slutty Realtor shows up and sluts up the place.
B. Kate is sadfaced cause Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana.
C. Nothing happens.
D. All of the above
*statue of Linus and Lucy is in downtown Paul, MN. Cool, huh?
I just realized that my last post was my 199th post and that my next scheduled post was 50 Shade related. Somehow I didn’t want that to be my historic 200th post. Even though I completely missed whatever my 100th post was, I wanted this one to be special. How often do you have 200th anniversaries? You know, while still alive? Not like those they’re always talking about on Google, where it’s some famous person’s 548th birthday. That seems pretty silly to me. Are we going to drag out the corpse and put a birthday hat on it? Cause that would be super creepy yet also a pretty cool reality T.V. show.
Anyway, I would say “wow, I can’t believe I have written that much” but wow, I’m not actually that surprised because I am a pretty big blabbermouth both in voice and print. But at the moment, I don’t have bunches to say. So I’ll let others do it for me.
Thanks for reading,
So I was
obsessing thinking about E.L. James again, and wondering what else she was up to these days. Then I read Miss Four Eyes’ blog post about spam and decided to check my own folder. As it turns out, James is spamming my blog. Though she used sneaky pseudonyms, I’m pretty sure it’s her. Who else has such a way with words? Observe.
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It’s true, I do write about stuff. I’m sure I’ll post more stuff like these really soon. Thanks.
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I always love to hear about people seeking forward to reading. But I’m not sure I should operate, as I don’t have one of those degree thingys.
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I’m thinking this is in another language. Like possibly Klingon. I did recognize a couple words in there. Like direct. I wonder what she’s trying to sell me.
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Who knew James was a poet?
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I’m beginning to think James doesn’t really read my blog.
Well, that’s all for now. It was so nice of James to leave me all those comments, when I haven’t left her one! I did see that I could
bother follow her on Twitter. I’m sure she has much interesting light in which we can observe the reality. I am seeking forward to hearing from her soon.
Okay, so I was alerted early on by fellow blogger thelesbiannextdoor that one of the people on Barbara Walter’s Most Fascinating People of 2012 list was (drumroll) . . . E.L. James. The “literary phenomenon” E.L. James. After I was done cleaning up the mess from my head exploding, I discovered why James had made the list. Barbara Walters has lost her mind.
Why do I think that? Just because out of ALL the people in the world in 2012, she picked a hack author that made millions mostly off of morbid curiosity? Because that’s not all, folks! She also picked Honey Boo-Boo. Of course she did. It all makes perfect sense now.
There are many things I might call Honey Boo-Boo and James, but fascinating isn’t one of them. In a way, it’s fascinating how they both made this list, because they have a lot in common. Both are immature (although Honey at least has the excuse of being a child) and both are associated with porn. Honey dresses up like a tiny tot porn star, while James dresses up like a porn writer. But neither exactly fits the bill. Honey shouldn’t be in beauty pageants and James definitely shouldn’t be a writer. Of anything. At all.
So who else made the list? I looked it up here, on The Daily Herald. (http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20121207/entlife/712079991/) They aren’t revealing the whole list yet because they have to convince you to watch this crap somehow. But so far we know these people made this list:
One Direction (a boy band)
Ben Affleck (I think he’s, like, an actor?)
Gabby Douglas (Olympic gymnast)
Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State)
Chris Christie (New Jersey Governor)
Seth MacFarlane (“Family Guy” mentor)
So she’s picking a broad range. A very broad range. I would just love to be Hillary, wouldn’t you? I can just imagine how they told her. Hey, guess what? You know how you have one of the highest and most respected offices in the United States and stuff? We’re putting you on a show alongside a hack romance author, a redneck child beauty queen, some actor, and a boy band. Talk about an honor!
So what does Barbara think of 50 Shades? She says, “’50 Shades’ is to adults what ‘Harry Potter’ is to kids.” Wait, what? No, no. No, no, no, no, no. Look, I’m not a Harry Potter fanatic or anything, but I did read the books, and from what I could tell, J.K. Rowling actually does have some writing skills. Kids (and adults) loved the books because she had characters people gave a damn about, who grew and changed and, ya know, did stuff besides screw each other. E.L. James writes about annoying people you hate who boink like bunnies. Beyond the fact that both series made astounding amounts of money, I’m not seeing the connection here.
So what exactly is Barbara’s standard for this list? Barb says “We do not do murderers; we do not do embezzlers.” Really? Those are some standards there! How are people supposed to live up to them? And frankly, why stop there? I think I’d rather see a little embezzling and murdering. At least both of those acts take smarts and skill to successfully accomplish.
So am I going to watch her special? Of course I am, if I remember anyway. I tend to miss regular T.V. shows, what with all my time caking makeup on my eight-year-old. But if I make it, I’ll be sure to give you an update on the most fascinating person of 2012. It ought to be a doozie.
This just in: thelesbiannextdoor has a post up (also questioning Barb’s sanity) with a new award for yours truly, and some other people. Now I realize I said I wasn’t in it for the bling, but homemade gifts are the BEST! Of course now I’m supposed to make up my own award. And give her a lot of money. I’ll get right on that. Wait – I think Honey Boo-Boo’s on!
I really liked your Kate and Ana Excellent Adventures, you guys. Especially this one by TAE:
“My bet is they take C’s shiny car, drive around, start making out (in the car, in public or something), A gets grossed out, remembers poor C, and returns to give him a bj…am I right? Am I right?
I feel like I must be…”
It would certainly be more interesting than the book. TAE also adds that “we should totally write some anti-fan fiction here.” I like this idea. A lot. Except my book would be oh so short. Bonus point anyway, TAE.
But back to the sad, sad reality that Ana’s adventure is a trip to the – take a guess A) Bar B) Bar C) AA meeting. Nope, it’s not Alcoholics Anonymous, which leaves just alcohol. Since Ana and Christian can’t be vampires, I think this is E.L. James’ solution. They live on booze instead of blood. Makes sense to me. Except that neither of them is a fun drunk. They’re just assholes all the time (Red Flag, FacePalm).
We start with Ana waking up with Christian “wrapped around her like ivy” again. (AliceScreams, WTF) I don’t know about you, but this would freak me the hell out, especially considering he’s a fucking psycho. Also, I’m sick of all the “wake up in each other’s arms after they – you know – wink, wink, giggle!” (AliceScreams) We get it. They boned each other (I don’t normally use this term for sex, but for these two, it is so appropriate) for the millionth time. It’s okay to skip these little bits, really it is.
Christipoo wants to bone her again but alas, he must get up and show off his bod, which is, like, naked you guyz and omg can you believe it that is so sexy and daring and what if her mom finds out omg! Ana says “It’s a mighty fine view, Mr. Grey” (AliceScreams, AlicePukes) meaning it’s a great view up his ass in case you were confused. He can’t resist her cleverness, so he bones her (SexyTimes), but we don’t have to see it, whew.
Ana is so embarrassed to see Mrs. Jones at breakfast because, like, she kissed Taylor, which cracks me the hell up because yello, Mrs. Jones has to clean the butt juice off your butt plugs, Ana-kins (Ana Fail). You don’t have room to talk. And I can’t believe I said butt juice. Combined with “bone, boned, boning” I am really going to get the freaks to this blog this time. Christian points out that she didn’t eat yesterday. So, like, AT ALL? WTF with the anorexia fetish, E.L.? Stop it, stop it, stop it. (AliceRage)
Then they talk about Charlie Tango again (AliceScreams) and how Ana nearly, gulp, lost him and stop reminding me, E.L., that happened to be my favoritest part of the book before you made him all alive again and now you’re just making me Sad Pony, so stop it. Stop writing. Stop, stop, stop!
Sorry about that. Where was I? They talk about Christian’s gun, and how Christian doesn’t even know if a gun is loaded or not (WTF?) and then Ana drops this bombshell. “Christian always brushes his teeth before breakfast. I don’t know why.” (FacePalm) Neither do I, Ana. Holy fuck, is this a plot point? Does Christian have bionic teeth, is THAT why he brushes them before breakfast? Or does he just like the combo of toothpaste and “thirst-quenching, refreshing orange juice”? I just don’t know. Don’t leave us hanging with this mystery!
So they drive to work, and we get them talking on the way, because God forbid we ever skip anything pointless like a car ride. (BoredNow) Ana nags Christian to learn how to shoot but Christian refuses and Ana-kins, think about this. He can kill you so many other ways. Do you really want him to learn one more way to murder you? Cause I do. Way to go. Keep at him, Ana! (AnaFail)
Finally, she’s at work, but we skip most of that because – EMAIL! (AliceScreams)
So they email flirt about guns and threats of retribution and other romantic crap (BoredNow) and then Christian calls her to tell her he arrived at wherever he was going for his super-de-businessy businessman trip and Ana says she and Kate are going to screw an entire hockey team, then each other, then a pony (not Sad Pony, he has standards) then a toaster, then a football team and their cheerleading squad, and then go get a few drinks. Just kidding, she just says she and her friend are going out for drinks, so of course Christipoo is super pissed cause omg she might be in danger if she goes out! Plus, she’d be exercising, like, free will and shit. Can’t have that. (RedFlag) He tells her to “do as she’s told” and then follows up with an email that says “do as you’re told” in case she didn’t get it the first time. (RedFlag) Gosh, I lurrve this guy.
And then boom, Ana’s all done with work! No need to hear about the coloring pages, cause it’s time for her to go see her friend while “a huge chunk of her is missing” because Christian is gone. (FacePalm) Which chunk of you did he take with him, Ana? Was it your pickled liver? A kidney? We know it can’t be a brain or a spine. Does he keep parts of you in an ice chest close to his heart? Just curious, there. Kate shows up and Ana says I can’t go out for drinks and Kate says please so Ana says okay because she bends like a reed at the slightest sneeze. (AnaFail) Our heroine. She’s so dead. Can’t wait!
Ana and Kate ignore security and go a-drinkin’ and Kate tells Ana all this security crap that Christian is keeping from her and I forget what it is because it’s freaking stupid and I don’t care. (BoredNow) Kate tells Ana she looks super confident cause she’s married (and who wouldn’t be, amIright?) and Ana thinks about how she’s married the man of her dreams who is probably waiting at the apartment to kill her with a butcher knife cause he’s anti-gun, ya know. (FacePalm, RedFlag)
She finds out she’s missed five calls from Mr. Dreamy and one email . . .(AliceScreams)
That says “Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment? See you tomorrow.” (RedFlag) Bwahahaha. Ana, if you get home and all the towels are lined up just so, get the fuck out. I’m telling you, Julia Roberts told me all about it and you don’t want to go there. On second thought, go ahead. Let’s see what happens.
Ana gets home and realizes something isn’t right, and I’m thinking – towels – but it turns out that some flower vases are smashed so the Scooby Security Squad goes into Code Blue, which I kinda thought was when someone was crashing in a hospital, but whatever, and it turns out that dum dum dummmm – they’ve caught Jack Hyde! (BoredNow, FacePalm) End chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 44 – 120 = – 64
After finding out an armed Jack Hyde has broken into his apartment, Christian naturally decides to:
A) Get better security for his apartment. He hires Leila, since she’s obviously better at knowing all the entry points and security codes than his current Scooby Security Force.
B) Beat the shit out of Ana for disobeying his order not to leave the apartment to have drinks with a friend the very night an armed gunman broke into the apartment intent on kidnapping her.
C) Shoot Jack, shoot Ana, then shoot himself.
But WAIT, there’s more! Faithhopechocolate has jumped up to Valedictorian! Storkhunter and GiggsMcGill Jill are tied for Salutatorian! And Miss Four Eyes is in fourth place and so very close. Sad Pony has his hoof over my head, and says, not close enough. We must be fair though. Here’s our roll call.
faithhopechocolate 24 + 5 = 29
GiggsMcGill Jill 24 + 4 = 28
MissFourEyes 20 + 2 = 22
Ravinj 19 + 1 = 20
Speaker7 19 + 1 = 20
Carrie Rubin 17 + 2 = 19
Love and Lunchmeat 9
Doggy’s Style 5 + 2 = 7
The Bumble Files 6
Angel Fractured 5
TAE 1 + 3 + 1 = 5
Ruby Tuesday 4
Jen and Tonic 4
Lulu Stark 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
Oh my God. I officially hate sex scenes now. And I’m no prude. I mean, I’ve read the romance books – er, I’ve turned to the middle of the book and read the sex scenes. Don’t look at me like that, so have you. But sex is literally all these people do, at least when they’re not involved in some idiot afterthought plot device. And it got old in the first book.
Anyway, I thought it was bad enough in Book One when we got the tampon scene. Then in Book Two we got the ice cream as a douche scene. But this . . . this one . . . just . . . I don’t even.
Let’s answer the questions. Actually all three have the same answer. 5A: Christian and Ana use a buttplug. 5B: The buttplug is Christian’s “gift” (thanks honey!) 5C: And then Ana obsesses about how to clean the butt sauce off of the buttplug. Truly, this book deserves the Pulitzer Prize, people.
Chapter 6 starts with Christian and Ana heading for the playroom, and holy crap I wish this were Pee Wee’s playroom because anything would beat this shit. (FacePalm) Also, we could all yell at the top of our lungs every time they say the secret word (the secret word is “fuck” kids). Ana thinks about how Mrs. Jones has been cleaning in there again and oh how embarrassing (AnaFail) and I’m thinking that surely Mrs. Jones could find another job, any other job, that was better than this one. I don’t care how much he pays her. Run, Mrs. Jones, run! Don’t clean another buttplug! They cannot take your Freee-dom!
So then comes the Sex (Sexy Times, BoredNow, AlicePukes). Ana gets down to her “lacy bra and panties” and Christian says “You’re a fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams). Then he promptly sticks his face in her crotch (AlicePukes) and says “And you smell of me and sex” (AlicePukes, RedFlag) Yuck. We get it, Christian, you marked her with your pee two books ago.(RedFlag) Shut up. And get your face out of there. You know where it’s been. (AlicePukes)
Ana reflects that he is so “naughty“ (AnaFail) which is her way of saying “creepy” I guess. Christian orders her to turn away from him and says, shit, “We aim to please Mrs. Grey, and you wanted a surprise.” (AliceScreams, Red Flag). Again with the royal we. How many personalities does Christian have? (Red Flag) I don’t want to know.
Ana lusts after “barefoot Christian” (AliceScreams) again. WTF with the foot fetish, E.L.? (WTF) He opens the drawer of sex toys and Ana thinks “Toys! Oh, I love, love, love this anticipation!” (AnaFail) Yes, anticipation is right. Like how one anticipates a root canal. Also, I have a bad feeling this toy is not going to be a Barbie doll. At least, God, I hope not.
Now for the spankings! (RedFlag) Wheee! Ana gets to lay across a table with instructions not to let go or breathe or anything unless she wants him to hit her, which she does, because she’s Ana (AnaFail, Red Flag). We hear about her feeling “his erection pressing against his jeans” (AliceScreams) and I wonder whether he is ever not erect. Surely people notice him walking along like a sundial all the time. (WTF)
Christian’s says “I see you’re very wet, Ana” (AliceScreams) and I wonder if she’s ever not wet. She probably has to wear Depends all the time (WTF). Then he shoves his fingers in her and says “Mine” (AliceScreams). Yup, she’s all yours, Christian. Try not to break her too fast, cause you’ll never find an animate inflatable doll like that again.(FacePalm)
And then, dun dun dun, he puts lube on her butt, and Ana thinks “Is he going to fuck my ass?“ (AnaFail, AlicePukes) Ana talks about him lubricating her “there” (AliceScreams) and now we’ve got her calling her vagina and her butthole “there” which is going to get confusing. She needs a “there pee-pee” and a “there go poop-poop”) so we can keep stuff straight. Christian pulls out her present which is a buttplug! (FacePalm) Remember guys, these make great stocking stuffers for that special lady in your life!
Ana says “Oh, my” (AliceScreams) and “Holy Crap” (AliceScreams) and “Ah!” (AliceScreams) and has a detailed description of the buttplug swirlin’ around in her butt (AlicePukes) and Iwonder how far in the minus her grade will be this time. We hear the “telltale sound of his zipper opening” (AliceScreams) because this has become her new code for “prepare for re-entry” because they’re married and married peoples don’t use condoms. There’s more “Fuck!” and “Oh, baby” (AliceScreams) and Ana is spinning and falling into her orgams (AliceScreams) and finally the scene is freaking over. THIS is what women are getting all hot over. THIS.
They talk about being “thoroughly well fucked” (AliceScreams) and boy, they aren’t the only ones. They take a bath together and Ana’s bobo stings, but only for a tiny bit cause she’s a snowflake, remember (FacePalm). We get a way too long bit about Ana trying to sneakily clean the buttplug (BoredNow) and complaining that the housekeeper keeps wanting to help her – gee, I feel her pain. (AnaFail) Christian doesn’t want her to go back to work, but she does, cause hey, she’s the Editor now, of course. (WTF)
It’s still not quite over yet. She finds pictures Christian took of her – some while she was sleeping with her thumb in her mouth (I am not fucking kidding here) (AnaFail) and then several where she’s awake and right there with him and how the hell do you miss a picture taken of you from a huge camera like that when it’s only inches away from you? Moron. (AnaFail)
And then Blah, blah she’s worried about Christian (BoredNow) and goes and crawls in his lap while he looks at the security tape and they see that it’s dun dun dun Jack Hyde who set the fire! Zomg, I never would have guessed! (FacePalm) Chapter End. Thank God.
100 – (33*2)= 34 – ( 14 *10) 140 = -106
I’m not sure if there’s a grade for that. She could have not written anything, and come out six points ahead (and wouldn’t we have been grateful?) But still, it needs a grade. How about this?
(In Chapter 7, Alice goes on a hate rampage because OMG that chapter is even worse than this one how is that possible? Anyway, that prompts this question:)
Question Six: Short Essay!
How much does the 50 Shades series suck in terms of book suckage? Explain.
Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades
I have decided to switch things around a bit. I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books. At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers. This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever. Here’s how it works. There may be additions / changes as needed.
Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off. Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky.
Plot (hahaha) Points
Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)
Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)
Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)
Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)
AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)
FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)
BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)
WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)
The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter. Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun. For instance:
Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)
Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?
A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.
B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.
C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once. She is awarded a medal of honor.
Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below. The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter!
Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes. Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face. Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face. At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling. Who can resist that? Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!