Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long. I’m thinking a weekend. And I’m not going anywhere. I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day. Probably two days away is my limit. If I can handle that. Of course I can handle that. It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.
Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs. It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well. But that’s not all! There will also be a contest and quizzes too! I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you? Just me? Eh.
I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities. How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help? You’re welcome.
But wait, there’s MORE. I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog. And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation.
So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday. Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket.
Love and kisses and crap,
I made it. Through nausea inducing, irritating, exploding headachy, nasty, awful crap I trudged. And that was before I contracted Pneumonia. But I did not give up! Not even when Hugo the bald, creepy puppet man used his voodoo spells to curse me with eternal bad hair (I do not blame Hugo. He was no match for 50 Shades.) No, reader, I charged onward through this crappy book all because of
your stats you. You’re welcome.
It is hard to truly put into words what reading this book is like. I still think the best comparison is the speed bump. Imagine that the entire world is one big school zone. You can only drive 20 mph, must watch out for stray children and SUV driving moms on cellphones and every few feet you hit a speed bump. BUMP. E.L. James’s writing is filled with these speed bumps on every single page, heck, in almost every paragraph. You can be reading the drippy, boring prose but you’re still putting along until BUMP you hit something that makes you either a) roll your eyes b) laugh out loud at the idiocy c) whack your head against something d) curse James or, most often, e) all of the above.
There are so many examples of this. Every time Ana is jealous of anything female, even, I swear to sweet white baby Jesus, Christian’s helicopter, which he calls a “she”. BUMP. Every time Ana refers to Christian as God’s gift to women. BUMP. Every time a male lusts after Ana or a female lusts after Christian and the other one gets pissed about it. BUMP. Every time one of those wonderful, repetitive lines is uttered – “hard, thin line” (bump), “fair point, well made” (bump), “pants hanging that way” (bump), “down there”(bump), “Oh, my”(bump), “Jeez”(bump), “Come, Ana”(bump), and the millions of murmurs, mutters, and sighs (bump, bump, BUMP). I think my absolute favorite one has to be when Christian refers to himself as the royal “we” as in “We aim to please, Miss Steele.” (bumpity bump bump) Next thing you know, he’ll just start referring to himself in the third person, like Elmo, which makes sense considering he already acts like a two-year-old. “Ana Mine! Ana Mine!”
And the heart stopping plots! Crazy Leila with a gun! Crazy rapey Jack! Crazy Mrs. Robinson! Crazy helicopter go boom-boom! Crazy will they or won’t they have sex in the next two pages cliffhangers! Crazy house shopping and driving around aimlessly! Crazy wedding proposals after descriptions of lusting after crack-whore mom look-a-likes! Crazy pages of absolutely nothing happening but talk talk talk leading nowhere! Such excitement I nearly wet myself!
And just when you think you can’t take anymore, there are the EMAILS! BUMP!
But oddly enough, the thing that really makes my mind reel, starting in book two, is the abrupt change in point of view for only a few paragraphs. Twice. Just WTF, James? You decided to write in first person. There are limitations to that, as in, you only know what the main character is thinking, which is even more limiting if that character is a gold-fish brained bitch like Ana. But still, you made your bed, so freaking lie in it. You don’t get to suddenly have it in third person from the point of view of four-year-old Christian because you want to – it doesn’t work that way. It’s confusing and stupid.
50 Shades Dumber opens with poor widdle Christian, crack-whore mommy, and a pimp from the movie “Pulp Fiction”. There’s no real reason for this, except I guess for you to feel sorry for Christian being used as an ash tray, but we already knew that, so why? I mean, there are other ways she could have conveyed the same scene without switching the point of view like that. But no, there it is, standing out like a big, freaking speed BUMP and the story has only just opened.
The second instance of this comes in the last page of 50 Shades Dumber. This time we’re thrust into third person so we can see Snidely sitting outside nefariously plotting the doom of Christian while smoking, rubbing his hands together, and cackling with glee. Of course it doesn’t say it’s Snidely, we’re just supposed to guess. Gee, who could possibly want to destroy Christi-poo and Ana-kins who could have been arrested but was just plopped in a cab instead? I can’t figure it OUT. HELP ME. This passage made me madder than the rest of the book combined because it’s just so wrong. I mean, you learn about this crap in freaking high school English here. Did James go to high school? How bad are British schools, cause I thought Americans kinda had the sorry school system market cornered. Just – arghhhhh.
Okay, better now. And I’m all ready for book three, which I have been warned is the worst one yet. I’ve read Speaker’s recaps, and all I can remember is a picture of a blue bunny on a waterski. I think that should be on the cover instead of the handcuffs, personally. It’s much more visually interesting. Maybe Goofy will release her memoirs soon, so we can read something that’s actually good. I hear she might consider it once she’s done with her stint on Bachelor Pad.
Since I’ve interviewed most of the stupid characters from the book with 50 Shades Dumber, I’ll have to try something else for book three. I’m thinking more bitchy reviews but this time with pictures harvested from Google images and my own nefarious mind on Paint. Possibly some multiple choice quizzes will be involved, because I love taking moronic quizzes like in Cosmo. I’ve also considered a “choose your own adventure” style, except that I’m pretty sure everyone would choose “they blow up all over the place” every time, and we wouldn’t get very far into the story. Unless they were to become zombies. Actually, that would kind of rock, except I’d feel sorry for the other zombies. I will have to think on this. Should you have any suggestions, feel free to add them in the comment section below.
Also, another thank you for all the well wishes and pleas to aliens and whatnot for my recovery from 50 Shades of Pneumonia. They were much appreciated. I love you all.
As my fabulous vacation to the land of the Mucus Pneumonias draws to a close (it had better be drawing to a close) I return now to another bunch of crap someone spat up. No, I didn’t forget about that festering disease known as 50 Shades. It’s still there, and there’s still, dear God, five chapters left.
Chapter 18 is full of thrills. No, it’s not. It’s full of shit. Like always. What’s even worse is that her shit has nothing to do with any other shit she writes. I mean, normally you divide a story into chapters for some reason. Like, say, this is the chapter where they screw in the kitchen and the elevator and hanging from the chandelier, and this is the chapter where Ana is almost raped by Snidely Whiplash on the copier. There’s some consistency of some vague sort, somewhere, somehow. But not with E.L. James. Sure, she does try to end on a cliffhanger, if you find “will they have sex” a cliffhanger after they’ve had it roughly 5 billion times already. But otherwise, it’s a bunch of freaking pick up sticks. Why? Just why?
For instance, this chapter involves shopping for a big fancy house, and Christian telling Ana to take off her panties again, and them teasing each other with oysters again, and him fingering her in the elevator again, before finally screwing on the coffee table. Also, Ana picks out another present for Christian from the Red Room o’ Pain! This goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages. But that’s not all! No, no, no, then Jose and Kate show up from out of freaking nowhere! Of course they do! And obviously no chapter is complete without the goddamn emails.
But I was going to interview someone, so I guess I’ll go with one of the two characters she has ignored until realizing that she has taken care of any potential conflict and yet has five chapters yet to go. We’ll start with Jose.
Alice: Hello, Jose. Where have you been?
Jose: Oh, lurking. I think Ana really likes me.
Jose: Because she’s shown absolutely no interest in me so far, and is currently shacked up with this rich asshole.
Alice: Makes sense. Here’s another question. Why are you interested in her to begin with?
Jose: Because . . . um . . . she’s beguiling, and witty, and intelligent and . . .
Alice: No, she’s not.
Jose: She speaks Mandarin and plays all these musical instruments!
Alice: Not once have we seen her do any of those things.
Jose: Huh. Good point there. She’s hot.
Alice: At least we’re getting somewhere now. You do realize you were shuttled off to the Friend Zone years ago and are never, ever getting out, right?
Jose: I think there’s hope. She really responded when I tried to rape her that night we got drunk. I mean, we’re still totally tight after all that.
Alice: That’s because she’s an idiot and has no spine.
Jose: Alice, you are not very nice.
Alice: No. I’m not. Because I hate you. I hate you all. Now tell me what the hell happened this chapter? I mean, part of it was them flirting and screwing each other and house shopping, and you weren’t there for that . . . crap, were you there?
Jose: I might, might have been following them.
Alice: I . . . nevermind. So she invited you to stay at Christian’s place.
Jose: Yeah. I asked if they were serious.
Alice: They’re freaking living together, you moron.
Jose: And then I pointed out that he’s, like, too old for her.
Alice: He’s five years older and they’re both in their twenties. Big fucking deal.
Jose: Then Kate showed up with her brother Ethan, and Ethan was all hot after Ana, and that made me madfaced.
Alice: I don’t give a shit.
Jose: But then came the best part! Christian’s brother said the Charlie Tango was missing.
Alice: The what?
Jose: That’s Christian’s helicopter.
Alice: Oh, right. Ohhhh, you mean missing? So is he dead? Because I don’t want to break out the champagne for nothing.
Jose: We don’t know. That’s how the chapter ends. I’m kind of hoping it went down in flames and just exploded all over the place, sending pieces of Christian everywhere.
Alice: We can dream, Jose. We can dream.*
*I know there’s no way he could be dead, because we have four more chapters and, sweet white baby Jesus, another book to go. But allow me my little moment of happy thoughts.
I’m fairly certain I’m in a time machine. Because I know I already did Chapter 16, but now here it is again. I think somehow James keeps adding chapters in my sleep, so that I will never finish. It’s like when you’re in Vegas, and you would swear that the next casino is just a block away, but it’s really like 27 blocks, and you’re never getting out of the Circus Circus parking lot alive. Yeah, like that.
So last we left Ana, Jack Hyde, otherwise known as Snidely Whiplash, was about to pounce on her. Now I don’t advocate rape, ever, but maybe he could have just stuck her head into the copier and pressed copy about a billion times while laughing hysterically. I would have more respect for him. Anyway, oh look, here’s Snidley again to tell his side of the story.
Alice: Hello, Jack. Quit twisting your mustache, it’s creepy.
Jack: I guess you want to know about that tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick-tease?
Alice: Wow. That’s romantic.
Jack: That’s what I was going for! I thought I had her, but Dudley Do-Right showed up and– foiled again!
Alice: Ah, right. So what happened?
Jack: Well, I waited until closing, when my ride was due to pick me up in five minutes. Then I made my move when she went into the break room. I had carefully set up the Zingers as bait.
Alice: Yeah, uh, that doesn’t seem like the best plan, there. If your ride was about to pick you up for the airport, how were you going to have time to rape her?
Jack: I . . . nevermind! It was genius! I leered at her and told her about all the emails she’d been sending. The idiot has an ancient Blackberry, but uses her work email?
Alice: Yeah, even Christian figured out that was moronic.
Jack: And I told her she wasn’t the most qualified but I fought for her! And she owed me for this job!
Alice: If only you’d been Christian, this all would have worked out so well.
Jack: Yes! I followed all his moves, but it didn’t work for me! She kicked me in the groin and ran, which was not a nice thank you.
Alice: Cause every girl wants to be felt up on the copier. Actually, Ana might. But only if it were Christian. So then what?
Jack: Do-Right’s minion Taylor came in and shouted at me so it would sound bad, but really he was just wanting to ask if I’d help him out later with a little project. It was hard to hear over Christian yelling at Ana – you could hear it through Taylor’s walky-talky.
Alice: Wait – Ana nearly gets raped and Christian yells at her?
Jack: Well, yeah, he said he was pissed at her and she was stupid and to get in the motherfucking car.
Alice: Wow . . . way to make a gal feel safe there.
Jack: And then Do-Right came in and they made me pack up my desk. I mean, I was totally fired for that? I thought office rape was standard policy.
Alice: . . .
Jack: So they led me to my cab and I took off.
Alice: You mean they didn’t arrest you?
Jack: I didn’t rape her, just tried to, so it was totes okay. Luckily, Ana still had that camera in her purse, so I was able to tell what was going on after that.
Alice: If the camera was inside the purse, how could you –
Jack: Just go with it. James does. First Christian wouldn’t talk to her, and then he got her in the elevator and stuck his tongue down her throat. And then they drank.
Alice: The girl is almost raped but is okay with making out immediately afterward . . . nevermind, why do I ask?
Jack: And they yammered about Jose coming to visit and Christian was pouty just cause Jose had tried to rape her too. I mean, seriously, what’s up with that? And she said she didn’t like Elena, and Christian was all surprised about that for some reason and then she was on her own and she decided to explore the apartment.
Alice: Explore the . . . she really is like a goldfish. By the time she gets to one side of the apartment, she’s forgotten what was on the other side.
Jack: She went into the Red Room o’ Pain and dug through the museum chest. There she found an assortment of sex toys, all carefully organized. There was a butt drawer, a vibrator drawer, a genital drawer, and the leather straps and ballgags drawer. (I did not make that up, I shit you not.)
Alice: Well, it’s nice that he’s organized.
Jack: Christian thought maybe she wouldn’t want to do it cause she was attacked but Ana was like, no biggie, so they got out a spreader bar . . .
Alice: A spreader bar? Nevermind. Please don’t tell me.
Jack: And he tied her up and had sex with her that went on and on and on. I mean, I wasn’t even going to tie her up. Life is just not fair.
Alice: Yeah. It doesn’t make sense either. I am in some sort of warped parallel universe.**
* Do-Right and Whiplash are totally Canadian. Of course.
**It is called E.L.JamesFunLand Express
Today we’re interviewing a brand new character, Jack Hyde, who, and this is just a guess, is set to be a bad guy in this book. Which means we’ll probably be rooting for him as well. God knows Leila needs the help.
Alice: Mr. Hyde, so nice to meet you.
Jack: Please, call me Jack.
Alice: Okay, Jack, you have a rather interesting name. Care to tell us about it?
Jack: Well my full name is Jack the Ripper Mr. Hyde Evil Bastard Boss. But really, Jack is much easier.
Alice: Okay, then. So Ana Steele recently came to work for you, right?
Jack: Yes. She was extremely qualified.
Alice: How so?
Jack: She’s hot and stupid. Also, she fetches coffee. What more could you ask for in an editor’s assistant?
Alice: Some editors might want someone who could, I don’t know, edit?
Jack: Pfft. The girl fetches really well. I can tell she’s been trained.
Alice: Yes, by her boyfriend, Christian Grey.
Jack: Ugh, that guy! What does she see in him?
Alice: He ties her up and flogs her and shoves stuff up her hoo-ha.
Jack: I could do that. This Christian Grey is a real jerk. He’s always emailing Ana. It’s annoying. She can’t finish the coloring sheets I give her, and sometimes she’s late with the coffee. Also, she has not responded to my romantic gestures.
Alice: Isn’t it inappropriate for a boss to hit on his employee?
Jack: Hey, I didn’t hire her for her brains.
Alice: Right. So they’ve been emailing each other? That’s a real shock.
Jack: Yes. “Will you move in with me? Can we talk tonight? Can we talk this evening? Can I go to this conference with Jack? No, he’s a sleazeball, unlike me. Blah blah.” And more talk about knickers. What the hell are knickers, and how do you twist them?
Alice: It’s a Britishism for underwear.
Jack: But she’s not British.
Alice: Don’t even get me started. So did you stop the emails?
Jack: Nah, I just print them out and read them alone in my office.
Jack: So she gabbed to Christian on the phone, and she emailed him some more, and she painted her nails, and she huffed the paint because it smells like grape, and I sent her to get my lunch. This made Mr. Hotshot mad.
Alice: And why was that?
Jack: Some psycho chick named Leila is stalking them or something. I don’t know. But he shouldn’t keep her from doing her job.
Alice: Which is fetching you coffee and sandwiches? Is your office located in the 1950s?
Jack: She likes fetching coffee for me. You just ring this little bell and off she goes!
Jack: I wanted her to go to this conference so we could network. You know what I mean? Network? Get it?
Alice: Unfortunately. I’m sure Christian wasn’t happy about that.
Jack: No. And somehow I was blocked from being able to schedule her flight. But no matter, I just gave her extra coloring pages and one of those seek and finds, which kept her working late with me. Then I got super close to her and acted like a creeper. She wasn’t impressed.
Alice: Weird. It works for Christian.
Jack: I know! So I asked her out, and asked her inappropriate questions, and she got all braggy about her boyfriend, and she left. Nevermind that she spent most of the workday arguing with him and being furious about him controlling her, when she could have me controlling her. I have a leash and everything. I’m not sure if her hot ass is worth it.
Alice: I’m certain it isn’t. So did she stay mad at Christian?
Jack: No. They had sex in the elevator and she forgot about it. And then some Mrs. Robinson showed up.
Alice: How do you know all this?
Jack: Well it’s not because I put a camera in her purse.
Alice: I just . . . well. Since Ana’s clearly not interested, are you going to back off?
Jack: Back off? No way. I will have Ana, and I will make Christian Grey pay! Bwahahahahahahahahaha.
Alice: You just turned green and hunchbacked for a second there.
Jack: Uh, sorry. As I was saying, I plan to challenge Christian Grey.
Alice: Great. Make sure you kill him. You should find Leila. She’s already got the gun. Ana might get caught in the crossfire, but that’s the breaks. Just, you know, FYI.
Jack: Thank you, Alice. I don’t suppose you’d like to be an editor’s assistant? I sense a position opening soon.
Alice: Yeah, tempting. But clearly James knows nothing about editing, and you’re a creeper. So, gosh, no. Thanks anyway.
Jack: Curses! Foiled again.
Alice: Is there anyone in this book that isn’t insane or creepy?
If you’ve been keeping up with us, you know we’re on chapter 8 of Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Christian and Ana are being stalked (how does it feel now, guys? Sexy, isn’t it?) by Leila, Christian’s ex sub who is more of a fruit loop than Ana. Since Christian is so very intelligent, he has gotten together an awesome security team. I call them Christian’s Angels, even though they are technically Farah Faucette-less. This team consists of Taylor (because he has nothing else to do what with already acting as his personal butler, driver, and underwear buyer), Sawyer, and I swear I am not making this shit up, Ryan and Reynolds.
Really E.L.? I see what you did there.
Since I’m so excited about this Leila case, I thought I would step in and interview the guys while they were all on a donut break.
Alice: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
Taylor: Thanks for the donuts.
Alice: Shouldn’t, um, one of you be keeping an eye out for Leila?
Taylor: Pfft, I tried, but Christian knows better. First he insisted on going in the apartment himself, even though the team was there. Then he said I was overreacting.
Alice: But I thought he hired you because this was such a scary, dangerous situation.
Taylor: He’s a dumbass. But far be it for me to question his orders.
Alice: It’s nice to see that he didn’t get too mad at you for the last interview.
Taylor: He just put me in the box this time.
Alice: The box?
Ryan: He doesn’t like to –
Reynolds: – talk about it.
Alice: You finished what Ryan said, Reynolds.
Ryan: Sometimes it’s like we’re the same person.
Alice: So what’s been happening with Leila?
Sawyer: Well, turns out she was still in the apartment, but we missed her, because Christian searched and didn’t find her. He forgot he had a library and some other rooms in the apartment. It’s such a big apartment, you know.
Alice: Right. Hey, weren’t you on Lost?
Sawyer: Yeah. This is part of the whole Purgatory thing.
Alice: Right. So . . .
Leila: Hi Alice. Hi Taylor.
Taylor: Hey, Leila, how’s it going? I noticed that nice paint job you gave Ana’s car.
Leila: Thanks. I also painted the Mona Lisa. And I’m a trained ninja. And I speak fluent Klingon.
Alice: Um, guys –
Taylor: Well, you know your way around.
Leila: Thanks! Buh-bye!
Alice: Guys. You just let Leila walk in the door.
Ryan: So? What’s –
Reynolds: -the problem?
Alice: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to stop her?
Sawyer: Do you really want us to?
Alice: Well, no. But it is sort of your job.
Taylor: No worries. You see Leila was here yesterday, and she stood at the end of Ana’s bed and made spooky howly noises until she woke up. But Ana figured it was just her imagination, and went to go sex up Christian. Again.
Alice: So Leila was right there and she didn’t shoot Ana?
Taylor: I know, right? She said it’s more fun to screw with them. So, when Christian and Ana went back to the bedroom they saw that Leila had left the balcony door open.
Alice: She jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: Ninja, remember? Christian only takes on talented girls as his subs. Or at least those who say they’re talented. You know, I think she might not be a ninja . . .
Alice: Nevermind. What happened then?
Taylor: Christian got all panicky and called us up and hissed into my phone. He made Ana wear his sweatpants because they were in a hurry, but then asked me to get Ana’s shoes. Idiot. I packed her a suitcase. Then Christian ordered me to find them a hotel. And to find Leila who was still in the house.
Alice: I thought she jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: I guess not.
Alice: Then why did she open the door to the balcony?
Taylor: Hey, we don’t write this stuff.
Alice: So then what happened?
Taylor: I got them the room at the hotel, though I’m surprised they made it there. Ana kept nagging at him about Mrs. Robinson and their relationship and did he like her like she liked him. I was tempted to “accidentally” shoot her myself.
Alice: I don’t blame you. But there’s one thing I’m not getting. Why didn’t Christian just call the police?
Ryan: Because Leila’s mentally ill and –
Reynolds: Christian can handle her better.
Alice: Stop that, you two. It’s annoying. But seriously? This just . . . anyway, so they got in the car and decided to run? This was the best choice of action?
Taylor: He thought so. Oh, phone call from Turdface. Hold on. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah sure.
Alice: What did he say?
Taylor: He was really freaked for a minute.
Alice: Why? Leila’s right here.
Taylor: Because the gynecologist he had sent to the hotel thought Ana might be pregnant. Turns out, false alarm.
Alice: Just – what? He called a gynecologist to their hotel room?
Taylor: Christian decided Ana should be on the shot since she’s too stupid to take a pill.
Alice: She wasn’t even on the pill for that long and they are always opening those damn foil packets anyway so that makes no sense and hey – they are running for their lives and he’s concerned about her birth control?
Taylor: Yeah, priorities. But he feels better because Ana isn’t knocked up and so he loves her.
Leila: Hi again. They’re not here, but I hid a bunch of rotten eggs stuffed in buttplugs all over the apartment. It will take them a while to find them.
Alice: They’re at a hotel, Leila. Which one again?
Taylor: Fairmont Olympic. If you get lost, just call your gynecologist.
Leila: Thanks! Bye!
Alice: Bye and for the love of God, good luck.
If you don’t know who Hugo is by now, you have been living under a rock. An extremely boring rock. Hugo happens to be the actor playing Christian Grey in Speaker7’s rendition of the 50 Shades of Grey series. You might be somewhat prejudiced just because Hugo happens to be a puppet with a strange resemblance to Mr. Clean and no lower body parts. If so, you are clearly not recognizing true talent. Boy will you feel bad when he later gets his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, you losers.
Hugo stars with the famous actress Goofy, the previously unnamed blue stuffed rabbit. There are rumors that there is more to their relationship than just stuffing random objects up various holes. Also that he uses Herbal Essences bodywash and thus smells like a girl. And that, at the moment, he’s actually in a mental ward. Are these rumors true? Who is the REAL Hugo?
Though she hasn’t technically agreed to an interview, I figure we’ll nag Speaker until she agrees to answer the questions for a future post on her site. If anyone has any other questions, feel free to add them in the comments section below. I’m sure she has nothing better to do than to talk to puppets. Especially since her brain is falling out her ears.
Anyway, this post will allow her more time to recuperate from the trauma of the final book of Shades, so I think it’s really in her best interest. It certainly isn’t just because since being featured on her site I have gotten more hits on my site than ever before. Much more than the usual, some of which might have been my own views in my ever obsessive need to check my posts for errors. Yes, I actually check them, and they still look like this.
Without further ado, here are the questions for Hugo.
- How were you selected for your famous role?
- How are you handling your newfound fame?
- Is it true that you and Goofy are having an off-screen romance?
- Is it also true that Goofy is now cheating on you with Tickle-Me-Elmo?
- What advice do you have for other genitalia impaired actors?
- If you could say anything to E.L. James, what would you say?
- Are you secretly gay? Kate told me to ask that one.
- Is it true that you spent time with those guys in the white coats?
- What are planning next in your career?
- How DO your pants hang?
So now we’ll just wait for a response. Let the nagging commence. And I’ll see if I can catch up to any other fictional characters in the meantime.
I’ve been thinking I should really add some kick-ass pics to these reviews but I’m not sure what putting the terms butt plug, psychopath, and riding crop into my search engine will tell my computer. More ads for Viagra, coming up!
Anyway, before we get to the recap, I have an important announcement. I have decided to start a blog fundraiser. “Grow Ana a Spine” should take off really fast, and I think it is a more worthwhile charity than attempting to increase the size of Christian’s heart three times. Only one part of Christian increases to three times its original size.
So Chapter 21. Here we go. Ana wakes up again, damn it, and tells us oh hey there’s a lot of light in the morning and she feels sorry for Christian again, cause deep inside that psychopathic asshole that beats women with riding implements is a sad little boy that wants a hug. Awww. Ana notes that she is adrift from reality. You think, Ana?
She finds Christian in his office doing worky talk, cause remember he’s an important businessman that knows stuff. They have sexy times on his desk. Ana thinks, “Wow, that was unexpected.” Seriously? Another sex scene was unexpected? They happen so often I find myself sounding like that squirrel from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. A-gain?
Christian’s mood swings again and Ana’s puzzler hurts. She seeks help from subconscious and inner goddess, but realizes “No- we’re all clueless.” Our heroine, everyone!
Ana goes to an interview at a publishing company run by a Mr. J. Hyde. Get it? Gosh, EL is like so creative, you guyz. A receptionist greets her but Ana’s not sure if she’s in her thirties or forties cause it’s so hard to tell with older women.
Newsflash: Ana hates all women. So does E.L. James.
Mr. Jack Hyde reminds Ana of Christian. Of course. And when he asks where she sees herself in five years she thinks dreamily “With Christian Grey.” Funny, I see her six feet under in less than five weeks, but what do I know? When Ana gets home Kate frets about how different her pal is acting (red flag, red flag) but when Ana says she thinks she’s in love, she’s like, oh, wow, you know Christian is so in love with you too I can tell by the creepy way he watches you at all times! Ana is confused again, so she decides to . . . no, just . . . not again . . . email Christian.
There is not-witty email banter and Ana asks if the maid is an ex-sub because Ana is a moron and Christian says don’t be silly that would be weird. She gets on the plane to Georgia and discovers that somebody upgraded her flight to first class. I like the security at this airport. I can imagine the conversation between Christian and the airport personnel. “I’m sorry, sir, but we have strict procedures here that oooh is that a bright shiny penny? Go right ahead!” Chapter end. Terrorists win.
Chapter 22 opens with Ana enjoying getting sloshed in first class. This book is one big advertisement for the liquor industry. It certainly makes me want to drink. Ana gets out the Mac and emails Christian. I hate you EL James. Smart girl tells Mr. Homicidal Jealous Guy that she got a yummy massage from a guy. The flight attendant tells Ana to put away her electronics. Yay! But Ana sneaks a peek at her Blackberry, because hey, email footsie is way more important than the lives of people on the plane. Even Christian points this out, after he threatens to bind and gag her in the cargo hold.
I would like to bind and gag Ana and throw her in the cargo hold at this point.
She writes one more long, simpering email to Christian and then she’s getting orange juice again (50 Shades of Grey sponsored by Discount Liquor and Juice Emporium). She makes it to Georgia where they gasp at how heavy the MacAir makes Ana’s luggage.
Does EL James own a computer? What the hell did she type this shit on?
Ana’s mom gives her man advice. She considers that her mother must be an expert because “she is on her fourth marriage.” Logics, Ana does not haves them. Christian emails Ana back with a lot of TL;DR and tells her that the sub is the one with all the power in the relationship. All she has to do is say no, after all. Yeah, um, she kind of HAS said no. Numerous times. You don’t listen, Asshat.
When he tells her he won’t bind and gag her in a crate if she doesn’t want him to, Ana is so touched and realizes she misses and loves him even though they’ve been separated for only one day. They get in another email match with “You stop emailing!” “No you stop!” “No you!” and I get the urge to bash my Nook with a hammer, but it wasn’t cheap so I shall refrain. Maybe I’ll hit myself with the hammer.
She goes to dinner with Mom, but no need to describe that because we have to get back to the emails. And Ana, she . . . she asks Christian if he’s been playing with the thesaurus. Come on, James, you know you’ve been doing that for the entire flipping book. People can tell when suddenly you toss in a word you don’t understand that you think makes you sound smart but really only confirms your stupidity. And while we’re on the thesaurus, why did you have to make Ana an English major, when clearly you’ve never taken an English course in your life? Why, why, why???
Christian says he’s having dinner with a friend and Ana is convinced it is Mrs. Robinson and she is So Mad because what if they get back together? Gee, that’s the conclusion I’d come to if my boyfriend said he was having dinner with a friend. He was getting back together with his former molester. Sure. These two freaks are perfect for each other.
They email back and forth a couple of times and Christian actually starts sounding more reasonable than Ana but then he comments that she’s been drinking too many Cosmopolitans. And Ana realizes that he’s followed her to Georgia. It’s like that moment in “Sleeping with the Enemy” where Julia Roberts realizes that her ex has found her cause he hung up all those towels neatly in a row, remember? That movie was one of those Chick Flick Romances, right? End Chapter.
“I need a doll to stick pins in, maybe that way I can vent some of the anger I feel at this stranger.”
Me too, Ana, me too.
Chapter 19, page 261. We’re getting there! Only seven more chapters. Is that long enough for him to kill her and then get sentenced to prison for murder where he gets to personally learn some hard limits? Let’s find out.
Now that Christian has chained up Ana and introduced her to his riding crop and cable ties, it’s time for her to meet his parents! No, really! To make this meeting more fun, Christian has stolen Ana’s panties, but Ana is not going to ask for them back, because that will show him. “I almost hug myself with glee, because I know this will drive him crazy.” Ana thinks. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Purposefully antagonize Mr. Stable.
They dance to Sinatra’s song “Witchcraft”, because they are both so highbrow don’t you see? Naturally he is a fabulous dancer. They finally leave to meet his parents, and Ana thinks “Oh the many faces of Christian Grey.” Hey, that reminds me of “The Three Faces of Eve”, a movie Ana should really check out. She, subconscious, and inner goddess would get a real kick out of it.
Ana finds out Christian learned to dance from “Mrs. Robinson” her name for the woman that molested him and taught him the fine art of slapping the crap out of people. She is so jealous. Jealous of the woman that abused her boyfriend . . . I don’t . . . even.
She meets his mom and dad, who are nothing like the parents in Twilight at all, and then his little sister Mia who bounces around like a Cocker Spaniel on crack. His brother is there as well, with Kate, and they are making out all over each other which Ana finds really disturbing. Ana, Ana, Ana. You were tied up and sucking on a riding crop the night before. I don’t think you have much room to judge.
Ana mentions that she is going to Georgia to see her mom for a few days. Christian handles this predictably well. Dinner time! Kate mentions that Ana went to the bar with her buddy Jose on Friday because apparently she hates Ana as much as I do. Christian whispers that he’s “palm-twitchingly mad” now while keeping up a happy face in front of his parents. Ana is scared to death. I just love stories of true love, don’t you?
Ana gets jealous of their blonde maid who is in love with Christian. Surprise. Christian distracts her by running his hand up her thigh. Ana shuts her legs tight to stop him. They’re still at the dinner table with his family. What a charmer, that Christian. He abruptly announces that he’s going to show Ana around and drags her out to the boathouse. Well, he starts with dragging, and then tosses her over his shoulder. Ana’s one brain cell realizes, “He’s mad about something – could be Jose, Georgia, no panties, biting my lip. Jeez, he’s easy to rile.” And any of those things are perfectly good reasons to get enraged. You know, if you’re batshit insane. He warns her that he is going to spank and then fuck her. End chapter!
Chapter 20 begins with Ana again pleading “Please don’t hurt me.” Christian proves he’s not completely heartless, and decides to just “fuck her for his pleasure, not hers” as punishment for her not-crimes. He grabs her, you know, down there and informs her aggressively that “This is mine . . . all mine.” Oh, wow, I think I am going to swoon. And then he warns her not to come, because he’ll punish her, even though Ana can orgasm to anything, even Trojan commericals. She doesn’t, lucky girl, and Mia shows up and Christian says he was showing her his rowing trophies. Because he’s an expert dancer, rower, is fluent in French, and made millions of dollars by the time he was twenty-six. All this and fucking crazy too! What a package!
After the dinner, Ana gets mad at Kate. Now Kate does not have all the information we do, since Ana has not told her he’s actually beating her. However, Kate is supposedly a fabulous investigative reporter, and she did notice that Christian was creepy, and that he has made Ana cry ever since he met her. So, yeah, duh, Kate. Then again, you notice she gets mad at the clueless friend for antagonizing the boyfriend, not the boyfriend for getting antagonized and beating her.
But it’s all okay, because Ana thinks, “Can I not lead him into the light?” Sure, Ana, you can change him with the power of love, even though no other woman has ever managed to do this ever. He promises to “try” not to be an asshole, and that tiny thread of hope is all Ana needs. She says she’ll sign the contract, (D’oh!) but he advises she wait until after Georgia. They go back to his house and the chapter ends oh no there’s another sex scene first. Cause who wouldn’t be in the mood after that scene at the boathouse? She asks him to “make love to her” and then her subconscious chides her because “think about all that he’s said, how much he’s conceded.” Yeah, Ana, he said he’d try not to beat you occasionally. Jeez. And subconscious, who the hell’s side are you on anyway?
They share a toothbrush, which is so sexy if you’re a total freak, and Ana has a brilliant idea. She’ll let him beat her if he’ll just tell her a little about his background. Great plan! Christian puts some vaginal balls in her, and she asks him to spank her, and he does, but this time it’s so awesome because it’s not as painful and then he sexes her and they both have massive orgasms and then they cuddle up to sleep. And then Christian gives her one sentence of background info, just before the chapter mercifully ends.
“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”
Before we get to the recap, I’d like everyone to know that my British friend told me that the green man is that sign that flashes for you to walk. Ohhhh. See our little walky man is white, cause we’re American, pal. Also, the condoms do come in foil packets, but he has never heard of anyone calling them that. See, even in England they call them condoms, James. So thank you to my friend – to protect the guilty we will just call him “John” – and let’s get back to the sex dungeons, shall we?
Although talk of condoms reminds me of something. While I think it’s good that James is advocating for safe, ha, sex here, do we have to hear about every time he “tears the foil packet” and slides one on? Can’t we just assume they’re taking care of birth control after that first time? Because reading about putting on a condom is about as exciting as watching someone put on a condom. In other words, it slows down the action. Even more. Which shouldn’t be possible.
Okay, on to Chapter 17. 233 pages into this . . . I hesitate to call it book. Shit sandwich with words inside – yes, that sounds better. There are a total of 26 Chapters. 26. That’s just 9 more chapters. That’s not so bad, right? Right??? I may be starting to crack up. It must be from all this arousal I’m feeling.
Ana wakes up with Christian draped across her, suffocating her with his body heat, but Ana just feels smug because he said he didn’t sleep with women but hey he’s slept with her three times already! And it only took a few beatings! Score, Ana!
There are more email wars (Stop it James. Stop it.) She explains that she’s a little upset that he beat the crap out of her but hey thanks for the cuddles and makes the subject of her email “Assault and Battery: The Aftereffects.” Clever Ana. Christian responds and says “Interesting . . . if slightly overstated title heading, Miss Steele.” Um, no, I think she pretty much covered it. He wonders if she can just get over it, you know, for him? She says she feels like running to Alaska and he says he would find her with his cell phone tracking technology. Not if she loses the damn cellphone, jerk. But Ana’s not bright enough to figure that out. She’s probably surprised that boomerangs return when she throws them.
She playfully discusses his stalker tendencies and asks if he’s gotten help and guess whats? He has a therapist who is probably tied up in his office right now. She drives to work and feels sadfaced because she wants Christian but not all that baggage he has. It’s sort of a package deal, nit wit. Speaking of packages, no, not that one, she gets a package in the mail. It’s a Blackberry! You’ll never guess why he gave her that! He writes in his email, “I need to be able to contact you at all times.” It’d be easier if he just inserted a tracking device directly into her brain. There’s a lot of empty space up there.
She doesn’t want it, but of course she keeps it. She gets home and Kate says, “I did note that he stayed.” What – like that’s a good thing, Kate? You don’t think he might have been doing that to control her or anything? Christian’s henchman takes her car and tells her that Christian is a “good man” cause hell it’s not like he has to worry about getting the crap beaten out of him. Probably.
Ana has a nice evening with her friends, including near rapist Jose, who just has such a “boyish charm” ya know. But oopsie, she forgot to email Christian and he is angrymadface Christian now. How dare she have a fun time with friends! He leaves a creepy speech on her answering machine about obeying him properly and she calls back and oh they’re being cute and silly again with all the “you hang up” “no, you hang up”. I want to hurt them both so badly.
She moves to Seattle with Kate and Christian sends her another gift. It’s a helicopter balloon. I’m guessing there’s a homing beacon in it. He also sends chilled champagne. Kate says, “He worries me, Ana.” But then adds “At least it’s good champagne and it’s chilled.” Yeah, that makes up for everything, Kate. Idiot.
Ana goes to visit Christian’s place to have a vaginal exam and is so excited her inner goddess jumps up and down with her pom poms. I bet E.L. James didn’t get to be a cheerleader in high school, what do you bet? I bet it was those evil blondes that were cheerleaders. Well, she showed them.
Chapter 18! You’ll never guess the color of the obgyn’s hair and why it makes Ana all pouty! She’s even jealous of the woman giving her a pap smear. Ana needs a different kind of doctor entirely. The doctor tells Christian to look after her because she is bright and beautiful (how does she know from one exam?) and Ana thinks well gosh that’s inappropriate of her to say. Wait, what, that’s inappropriate? Just . . . nevermind.
She jokes with Christian about not being able to have sex for weeks and he jokingly glares at her like he’s about to murder her and oh it’s such a fun game and they both laugh. He asks what birth control she chose and then reminds her to take her pill everyday. Please do Ana, we really don’t want you two to reproduce.
Ana thinks, “Holy cow. He wants to hurt me . . . how do I deal with this?” Let me think. Call the police, maybe? But then he sexes on her and her brain rattles and she forgets about it because omg he is so hot. They head for the Red Room of Pain and her inner goddess does ballet. He braids her hair and makes his own Ana leash. Then he chains her up to some grid, gets out the riding crop, and ride’em cowboy! Christian whiffs her panties (ew) and shoves them in his pocket. Then there’s some whipping on her sex, you know, down there, and then he sexes her and she has another shattering orgasm and I yawn and think at least it’s done but no he’s not finished.
It’s time for the cable ties – remember those? Ana sold them to him! He ties her up and there’s his merciless onslaught and moaning and groaning and Christian orders another orgasm so boom there she goes on command. Ana is really pooped from all the fun torture sexy times and she and Christian go to sleep. Finally. End chapter.
Gosh, what a cliffhanger. What will happen next? Will they wake up or will his house explode killing them both instantly? My inner goddess claps her hands at this idea.
“He can be such fun one minute, and then he can be so formal and stuffy the next.” (Ch17 p239)
He can also be murderous. Don’t forget murderous!