I think they’re trying to tell us something.

In case anyone was wondering why I haven’t been here in a month (I know I have), here’s an update.  Still having ECT.  Right now they say I am in maintenance treatments which is much like actual maintenance on highways and such- uncomfortable and lasts forever.  I have been at this since June 5th or in my estimate, the beginning of time.

Earlier I promised to give a review of this controversial mental health treatment.  Turns out it’s not really as cut and dry as medications.  With those you can say “Well I took the Zufrika but it made me gain 15 pounds in my elbows and start watching Fox News so I stopped.” or “Scaramouchi gave me diarrhea but really got rid of my depression and I hope they get it back in stock soon.”  It’s not either definitely successful or definitely a waste.  I might be able to make a better determination after it finally ends, but it’s almost mid-August, and they haven’t given me a hint about when this stops for good.

When you start treatments, you generally do three a week, then you start spacing out once you feel better.  I did feel better, enough that going back to work sounded good, but then as I mentioned I went back down again so I tried part-time, and then I tried no time.  I have been on no time for a while, and though this has been good for my relaxation it hasn’t been so hot on my pocketbook.  And it’s hard to tell just how much better you’ve gotten when you are still frequently driving six hours to a big city to spend the night, get shocked, and travel another six hours home again.  The people at the hospital are nice, but that is wearing thin.

I should also note it’s not just depression but anxiety chumming around with me.  And since the treatment meant stopping a medicine for that, I am Squirrel as often as Sad Pony.  Vroooooom.  Beep beep.  Oh, if only I could feel better as easily as little boys, or our President, with a big red truck.

Twice I have felt much, much better.  But each time I’ve gone back to – not so great.  While yes I am better than I was before any treatments, I can’t really tell you exactly how I’m feeling now, because therapy requires way too much naval gazing.  How are you now?  How about now?  Or now?  Or now – compared to yesterday?  Or last week?  Or before you started?  Here, fill out this sheet of questions about whether you are definitely sad, or kind of sad, or slightly less sad than that, or happy!  What do you mean you’re confused?

I’m starting to wonder if I have to start lying on the “happy sheet” in order to make them stop.  Tapering down on treatments is the best way to go – but this taper is not just slow it’s a crawl.  I went from three times a week, to two times a week, to once a week.  We might go back two weeks after my treatment tomorrow.  And then – I don’t know.  Three weeks apart?  A month? How about a never?  My brain may not be scrambled (completely – you have to remember the condition before) but I’m tired.  Each treatment, besides being away from my Things and requiring a trip to Dallas, requires fasting the night before, having anesthesia, getting disgusting goop stuck in my hair, and then the fun waking up where I stumble around and hope someone catches me.  It gets old.

I have many ideas for posts that I would like to write.  I’ve not been good about sitting down to do it.  Or at doing much else useful.  It has been nice to just breathe.  But I don’t quite know what’s next.  I do want to get back to it, though, because a lot is happening right now!  Maybe I will finish my treatment before North Korea blows up Guam!  Or us!  I definitely want to be there should justice actually happen and our dear presidente get taken to his next vacation home behind bars.

If I figure anything out, I’ll let you know!  Probably.  If you read this, feel free to leave me links to anything you wrote so I can have something to read.  It’s good to get out of my head.

~Alice