I realize I already introduced the best new Christmas gift, STICK, last time, but I’m having a bit of trouble getting that patent. Some people seem to think paper towels already exist and that you could, say, put marker on them yourself. Blasphemers! Well, no matter, for I have saved your Christmas butts by searching out the best gifts on Amazon. I mean sure, you could do like my husband and get all the gifts for your loved one this evening at Walgreens. He’s lucky I’m easy to buy for with my love of fuzzy socks and bath products.

I bought his gift like weeks ago. It’s a toy Christmas train that cost ten whole dollars. He’ll love it. I should probably point out we just get what we want ourselves during the year which is why we are still married.

Anyhoo, enough of my family’s messes, we’re looking at your mess. Your gifts are likely to be late at this stage unless you live next to an Amazon warehouse and have good breaking and entering skills. If you have young children, they might question why their Christmas gifts are late. This is a good time to point out that Santa is evil and forgot their presents so from now on he’s cancelled and you, awesome parent that you are, are going to do his job.

Here are some of the top Christmas toys this year according to my thorough search on Amazon.

1. Jeep Wrangler Baby Holder

Look how excited he is! Clearly a die-hard jeep fan!

Sure there are other baby holders out there, but how many of them look like a Jeep Wrangler, your baby’s favorite vehicle? And cost 88 dollars? Amazon says “FOR DIE-HARD JEEP FANS: This 3-in-1 activity walker resembles the classic Wrangler with its seven-slot grille, round headlamps and flat fender flares”. You should know that your baby will never be accepted into social circles without flat fender flares on his baby holder, er walker. It’s multifunctional too! After slamming into furniture in the jeep, baby can push the jeep into furniture. Sure to last baby around six months tops!

2. Educational Toys: Human Body Parts

Sure, he’s a little different, but just look at those dreamy eyes!

This is sure to be popular with kids. You can strip off his muscles, pull out his intestines, and pop out his eyeballs, just like in those popular video games! I am curious about the “try me” on the front of the box pointing to his insides. Try what? Exploratory surgery? I mean it is interactive, and you can even pose him running away from scientists.

Here’s another option. This guy’s not as cute, but look at those adorable organs. I’m not sure what the highlighted thing is. Liver? Loaf of bread? Also loving the stretched out intestines (they better be miles long!) and the bleeding heart or stomach or whatever it is why is there red under it?

3. Basic Spelling Fun Game, 80’s style!

Just look at that forced smile. Well, too bad, kid, cause Mom had this as a kid and she had to “play” with it in order to learn to spell. Just be glad she didn’t get you the Math version of this. That’s for your birthday, you ungrateful brat. I should point out that Amazon calls this “Basic Fun Speak and Spell”. Nothing like basic fun for Christmas!

4. Toilet Trainin’ Turdle!

Ahhhhhhhh plop plop, fizz fizz!

I like how Amazon ranked this the “Best Pooping Turtle”. When I’m shopping for my kid, I don’t want any defective pooping turtles. I want those turds to hit the toilet! Amazon also says this is a “ridiculous” toy, but what do they know? Toddlers care a lot about poop. Just ask, they’ll tell you all about it. Not only that Shelbert (that’s his name), can repeat phrases. Like, any phrases. I’d probably try quoting from child-friendly movies like “Pulp Fiction”, but that’s just me.

Just in case you thought I couldn’t spell turtle (I had a speak and spell ya know), he is for reals called a “Turdle”. I can’t imagine why. Just feed it the pink sandy stuff, then rinse, repeat! Turdles love eating their own poop. If you don’t like turdles, you can always go with a pooping flamingo.

You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?

There were so many other toys I wanted to include like the dog you shave until he looks like a paper mache freak (it’s real look it up). But here’s the final pick, in case you still feel the need to spy on your children.

5. Snoop on a Stoop

New improved elf on a shelf.

Elf on the shelf got finished off by an angry child, and good riddance. Now we have Snoop Dog on the job. You might think it’s too late to employ him, but it’s actually just in time. This is Snoop Dogg. He’s chill and won’t narc on your kids as long as they keep him set up in doobies. I want one for my very own.

Okay so that’s all for the last minute gifts. Have a great Christmas with your sure to be joyful kids. Do not come to my house. Snoop Dog is on guard.

– Alice