Aaaaaand the Things and I are back with part two of the Total Eclipse of the Stupid. Enjoy while we go try to scrub out our brains. Click here for part one.
More new vamp dude. Something’s coming. Let’s get to ittttt! Volturi (head honcho vamps in black cloaks) are standing by
Girl vamp: People will think we’re ineffective.
Me: You arrrrrrrre.
Graduation: We see Bella’s “friend” who actually has sense and looks forward to something besides Edwarrrrd OMGGGGG. What a jerk.
T1: Good thing we didn’t have to see Bella’s speech
Me: She didn’t have one. She majored in Edward.
Bella is most boring party guest ever. Jacob comes by to say “Sorry for assaulting you, here’s a gift”. Alice has another vision that the vampire army is coming (they are all sniffin’ Bella’s PJs). In four more days. Kill me now.
We have ANOTHER vampire council. Forget action, how about more talking!
They are “playing with the blind spots in Alice’s vision.” Yeah blind spots big enough to dump a truck through. Both Edward and Jacob are willing to sacrifice everyone else in their groups all for Bella. Oy.
So meeting with vamps and wolves. Sigh. Eddie sees Bella’s gift from Jacob.
T1: Just shut up about it already
Mercifully he does. So the new vamps are more powerful because their human blood lingers in their tissues. Wait, what? Vampires are stronger than humans and oh, just, nevermind. Vampires practice fight.
T2: Vampire / Wolf montage!!
Bella pets Jacob.
T1: I want a cute, cuddly boyfriend!
Jasper tells his backstory as a Confederate soldier. Yup, now wondering why Steph didn’t write the dang books about the other vampires. That would be bearable.
Oh, crap, we’re back with Bella lying around with Edward. It would really suck not to ever sleep, especially around her. They mouth breathe and stammer and stare and Bella says “Maybe Alice can’t see it cause Victoria is hiding behind someone else making the decision.” As in, one more plot hole for Alice’s visions, dude.
T1: Hey, Bella is actually, like, processing things now.
Short scene with new vamp dude (no need to name him) and Victoria. Why can’t we have more Victoria, movie?
Edward is leaving to go – sit around and think about Victoria or whatever.
Bella: You take all the risks
Edward: If it’s Victoria involved (duh), I need to get you as far away as possible.
Me: Like, except when you left her totally at her mercy in the last movie?
Bella: It’s dangerous for us to be apart
T1: That’s true, she tried to kill herself last time.
Edward: I can’t make you choose between me and your family
T1: What? Bella did it no probs.
Jacob shows up. Bella says stuff. Jacob poses.
T1: Whatever. I’m hot.
Edward and Jasper make stinky jokes about dogboy. They decide Jacob will carry Bella around cause Jacob stinks. Or something.
T1: Rock a bye Bel-la
Me: Why can’t Bella just walk close to him? Why carry her?
T1: She could just rub his armpit sweat all over herself
More yammering about how Jacob thinks Bella really loves him and she says no and they walk and yammer and helpppp.
Bella comes back . . . wait, why? She’s at her dad’s house. He is having fun with Alice, who is clearly a better daughter than Bella.
Alice yammers something about their plan, still not making sense. Camping, sleepovers, hunting, wait, what?
Bella talks with Dad. Hey Dad, how come you didn’t remarry? Hey Dad, here’s some more salt for your wound. Dad says she should wait much much later to marry. Yes. Please. Dad tries to bring up “intimacy” and Bella’s all “ewww gross.”
Bella: Dad – I’m a virgin!
Dad freaks out a little.
T1: Finally she acts like a real teenager. I think she smiled.
Bella goes to Edward’s. Arghhh, when are they going to have something happen? Anything?
Edward: Why are you outside?
Bella looks like she’s doing the potty dance.
T1: I have to go potty.
They go in a room with a bed
Bella: There’s a bed. (genius!)
More mumbling and staring and huffing and puffing and Bella goes smoochyface.
Bella: I want youuuu. I wanna have sex as a human.
T1: Fast forward, fast forward!
They make out – in fast forward. Then Eddie stops cause he wants to protect her soul. No sexy times before marriage!
Me: Yeah, protect her soul until he uh, turns her into a vampire. Right.
T1: Whaaat? Gross, Bella’s the one who wants this?
Me: This is NOT the way it normally goes. It’s usually the guy.
We fast forward past the rest of the angsty muttering, then have to go back cause we missed the proposal. Eddie is talking about asking her dad’s permission (say whaat?) and getting down on one knee.
T1: He looks like he’s about to puke.
He gives Bella his mom’s ring he somehow still had. He asks if she’ll do him the “extraordinary honor” of marrying him – while looking like he might vomit any second.
Bella: Yeah, okay.
Fangirls everywhere squeal with delight!
Back to nameless guy and Victoria.
NG: Hey, we’ve been tearing the place up and the Cullens haven’t done squat.
Me: Exactly the problem I’m having. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
Smoochy times with NG and Victoria. Sadly, they had to add this to the movie (and all other Victoria and newborn vampire scenes) because even that much action was not happening in the book.
Bella walks around pricking her finger on bushes in the woods. I wish she’d pass out like Sleeping Beauty.
Edward: Your blood doesn’t bother me anymore cause I totes thought you were dead.
Say whaat? He’s still a freaking vampire . . . oh wait.
T1: Can I just have a tiny lick? Pleaseee
Me: Finger lickin’ good
Bella: We should wait to tell Jacob we’re engaged
T1: Yeah cause he’ll eat you otherwise.
Jacob comes up.
T1: Bella still wants to cheat on Edward with Jacob
Me: Who wouldn’t?
Jacob runs off carrying Bella again. Still not sure why. He clearly shows his underpants. Eddie watches and. . . sparkles!
Vampire army walking through the water. Come onnnnn, there’s so many of youuu. Kill them, kill them!
Jacob brings Bella to campsite with Edward. Pouts because no one talked about his abs.
Sudden monster snow storm comes out of nowhere! Plot convenience playhouse presents! Bella is freezing cold. Her buck teeth are chattering. Edward is all what do I do? Well, your ice cubeness isn’t gonna help her.
Jacob comes in and Edward says like no way and Jacob says “I’m hotter than you.”
T1: Snuggle times!
Jacob is totally a portable heater. Eddie is not happy. Jacob and Edward have another peeing contest over Bella.
Jacob: When you thought she was dead, how did you cope?
Me: Tried to kill myself, yups. Kids, remember, if your true love leaves, kill yourself.
T1: Mommy, tilt your head and look at the screen. It’s way cooler.
Me: They look black and glowy. Hey, yeah it does look cooler.
T1: We are way bored, Mommy.
Jacob overhears Eddie talkin’ marriage. Uh oh, wolf ears.
Bella runs after Jacob. Actually shouts. Something besides a mumble?
Bella: No, Jake, stay!
T1 and T2: Stay, stay boy
Me: Now roll over. Good boy!
Jacob’s all ready to kill himself until Bella says the right thing – yeah, um, not manipulative at all, are we?
Bella: Kiss me
They make out.
T2: You taste like kibbles and bits!
Jacob: I gotta go
T1: Gotta go peeee. My leg is liftingggg!
She turns around. Eddie is standing there. Oooooh snap!
T2: Burrrrn, Burrrn!
Eddie: You love him
Bella: I love you more
Cullens and more realistic vampires run at each other – yayyy something happening! Pause it and ohhhh, ewww.
T1: It’s vampire football now!
Meanwhile, takes two seconds for Vicki to figure out where Bella is after all this running around aimlessly. She and no name go up against Eddikins. She sends no name first. I’m thinking, yay, fight, but instead we get Edward talking to no name:
Eddie: She doesn’t love you.
Vicki: Yes I doooo.
Eddie: No, she totes doesn’t, I like read minds.
Vicki: Nooo don’t believe him. I lurrrve you for realz.
Finally Jacob comes and gets a new chew toy. Yay!
Edward taunts Vicki and she goes freaky and they fight for two seconds. We root for Vicki. Edward chops down tree with head and Vicki falls with it.
Bella gets the brilliant idea to cut her arm for distraction. I knew she shouldn’t have heard the story about the third wife! Yay, Bella can be a distraction! She’s a HERO! Although, come to think of it, couldn’t the third wife have just cut her arm instead of killing herself? Nevermind.
Edward breaks Victoria. We all cry. Editing is so bad they have Victoria with her eyes open in one frame, then another frame her eyes are closed. Porcelain corpses close their eyes?
T2: Eddie’s gonna mount her head on his wall
Edward tears a strip of Bella’s shirt off for a bandage. Cut to Jake. He’s like man, you’re supposed to take your whole shirt off, dude!
Eddie throws lighter on Victoria
T2: Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Vic!
Alice has vision of Volturi floatin’ around, pretendin’ to be awesome. Vampire attacks Jacob. Jacob’s body goes snap, crackle, pop. Wolves take him away. Volturi show up.
T1: Just kill Bella already
Volturi chick sees the little girl vampire that just turned herself in. She beats her up with Jedi, er, vampire mind tricks. Then has her friend kill her. Oh, yay, child killing. Thank you, Stephenie Meyer.
Immediately cut scene to wolves hanging out by truck.
T1: Now to the tailgate partyyyy!
Doc vampire is fixing him (eeearghhhhhhh!). Bella goes to Jacob
T1: I wish .. . I could show you my abs.
Me: They are all brokey.
Jacob is sweating all over.
Jacob: Bella . . .
T1; I need a towel . . .
T1: I just figured it out – it’s Old Yeller! Jake’s a dog and sacrificed for her!
Me: Now let’s shoot him.
Jacob and Bella blah blah feelings blah blah.
T1: What is all this? He’s not dying.
Me: His heart is . . . breaaaaaking
T1: Oh barf.
Annnnd we’re back in the meadow w/ Edward and Bella. No! No, they’re starting it all over again noooooo!
Bella: We’ll have the wedding in August – that’s a month before my birthday so I won’t be any older than you.
Cause THAT’S how you choose when to make a lifetime commitment. Based on not being older than eighteen.
Edward: Who knows who Alice will invite to the wedding if she plans it?
T1: It’s alright. Bella has no friends.
Edward: You’re trying to make everyone happy.
T1: No, she’s not.
Me: Not even close.
Bella: I’ve had to face death, and loss, and pain.
Bella: I’ve always been out of step.
Soooo that means you’re meant to be a vampire, all awkward teens. Remember that.
More mushy mumbles. End. Ennnnnnnnnnnd!
Bella: We have to tell Charlie (That’s her dad. She can’t say dad cause she’s a jerk) Good thing you’re bullet proof.
Me: Darn it all.
Eddie puts ring on Bella’s finger. It ends. Yes! HOooooooray!
Hey, all, I’m back with my two fellow
sufferers reviewers, my daughters, Thing One and Thing Two. Finally. Last time we reviewed the second installment of Twilight gaggeria, New Moon, and before that the suckage that started it all, Twilight. That was a while ago. Like, um, over a year. It takes that long to recover from this stupidity. But – here we go again on our own . . .
Menu selection screen –
Camera zooms around everywhere wildly. Characters from the movie pop up. All: Arghhhhhhhhh!
T1: They’re like cardboard pop ups!
T2: But scarier!
Me: Movie hasn’t even started yet and we’re scared!
We freeze for a screen shot of Bella.
T1: Draw a mustache on her!
T2: Mommy I dare you!
Movie opens in rain. Yay. Man is walking through the rain, at night, alone.
T2: They’re in Gotham City!
T1: Just like in the first Twilight movie, you know something’s gonna die in the first few seconds.
Me: If only it could be Bella. No, it’s this schmuck. Let’s watch, shall we?
Yup, something shoots out of nowhere at him. T2 starts rooting for it. Man tries to run for it.
T1: Try like left or right.
Whatever bites him. He falls to the ground, writhes around, screams like a little girl.
T2: Oh the painnnn, the painnnn!
T1: He must have been a real wimp in high school.
Me: Sounds like Bella’s nightmare
T2: Alien’s gonna pop out of his chest!
T1: Like this movie isn’t gross enough already?
Zoom in on more trees. Bella boring voiceover.
T2: Blah blahhh
T1: Shush, I’m trying to hear the stupid things she says.
Me: She’s ruining Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice poem. Bad Bella!
T1: Some say it will end in ice, or sparkly vampires . . .
They are in a meadow again. Ooooh. Like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Eddie is messing with her hair like he’s checking Bella for ticks or dandruff.
Me: Ooh I see his sparkles on his cheek! Or blush?
T1: It’s sweat.
Me: Sparkly sweat?
T2: I’m allergic to sparkles
Bella: Turn me
Edward: If you marry me. It’s called compromise
Me: No it’s called bribery.
Bella is sitting on him, making out.
T1: Ugh, can’t breathe Bella . . .
Edward: You’re worried about what people will think . . .
T1: At this point, why?
Mumble, mumble, mumble
T2: Eddie, stop talkin’ Latin
Me: Maybe if she’d quit speaking into her hand. Microphones, people, something!
Bella whines at Dad who for some reason still hates Edward – like HE SHOULD. Remember how you were screamin’ at night, Bella? Remember the moping? Well DO YOU? Clearly poor dad is the best character.
Dad: You know why you’re being punished
Bella: Yeah I put you through hell
T1: over and over and . .
Bella: Edward is in my life
Dad drinks. I’d drink too if I were him.
Dad: You have freedom if you use it to see others. Like Jacob.
T1: Yeah, better choice there. What about the girls who said they were her friends?
Bella goes to her truck. Won’t start. Wonder why. Edward shows up. All scream.
Bella: Did you do this to my truck?
T2: Yeah he’s a psycho freak!
T1: Does he have no conscience? Why did he take her battery?
T2: To put it in the microwave?
Edward: The wolves have no control.
Me: Eddikins, ya took her battery. You don’t either.
Edward: Well I’m sorry.
T1: Worst apology ever
Bella conversation at lunch table. Humans are blabbing. Bella stares. Then Alice and Jasper sit down.
Me: The weirdos are here!
Alice: Let’s have a party! It will be fun!
Bella: Yeah, like last time.
Sad Trombone: Wah wah wahhhhhhh.
Alice starts having a vision, or maybe constipation. Hard to tell.
Police station. People are getting killed.
Edward: We’ve been tracking it for a while.
Me: Yeah, no need to tell Bella about this. Just cause they wanna kill, you know, her.
Bella’s dad comes out.
Edward: Oh yeah, reminding you of the airline ticket I got for your birthday
T1: Really, Edward?
Eddie has gotten her a ticket to Florida to see Mom. Wait, Florida . . . hot sun . . . vampire . . . sparkletownnnnn. Yes, go, go, go!
There are two tickets of course.
Girls: Two tickets to paradise!
Bella in Florida. More mumbling voice over. What is she saying?
Mom: The way he looks at you. Like he’s willing to leap and take a bullet for ya.
(Edward staring creepily at them through the window)
T2: Please tell me it’s a silver bullet
More mumbles. Strip shirts? Three headed lobster? Are we in Hogwarts?
Next we have the whole creepy vampire crew, standing around in the forest. There is a blue filter in the lens.
T2: Oh, no, more vampire baseball!
T1: It’s Picasso’s blue period!
T2: More staring. I’m gonna stare the crap outta ya!
Now suddenly they’re running. After . . .something.
T1: It’s the vampire Olympics!
They’re running after Victoria. Oh, yeah, the only likable character.
Giant wolves come after her.
They’re flying and hopping all over the place, ricocheting against trees like pinballs.
T2: Batman! No Spiderman!
Me: Not anywhere as cool.
Victoria leaps over a cavern. I believvvve I can flyyyyy!
Oh, now we’re back at school. Nooooo. Edward and Bella mumble talk for awhile.
Bella: Mumblemumble mumble?
Ed: Mumble Mumblejumbo.
They get out of the car. And ka-BAM, music gets louder and JACOB is here in all his abby glory!
T2: Everything is awesommmmme!
Jacob points out that Bella should know wtf is going on. So should the audience. At least you can understand Jacob.
Edward: I was trying to protect you
Bella: By lying to me?
Bella hops on Jacob’s bike. Eat DIRT vampire!
Jacob’s place. Jacob walks over a log.
T2: Hey ya like my log? I chew on it.
The shirtless crew arrive! None of the werewolves wear shirts. It’s a rule.
T1: They got kicked out of school. Couldn’t conform to dress codes.
There’s a girl werewolf now, but yuck, cause she whines about her broken heart. And probably her period too! Apparently they can read minds. So she can hear their thoughts too. And they’re teenage boys. Guess what they’re thinking? I’d be pissed too.
Jacob explains “imprinting”. Basically, no free will guys. You’re just in loves and that’s that!
Jacob: They aren’t even alive
T1: Well, you’re a dogman
Me: Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits.
T2: About to go woof woof now.
Jacob: I’d rather you be dead than one of them!
Bella: I can’t believe you said that.
T1: Sorry, Stephenie Meyer made me a jerk in this book.
Creeper guy in Bella’s room. Figure it’s Edward, but no, another vampire – dude bitten in the beginning. Grabs her pajamas and sniffs. And keeps it!
T2: Did you see the look on his face?
Guy wanders around house.
T1: Dad needs a better security system
Me: He’s not a very good cop . . .
Dude leans over Dad sleeping on couch
T1: Eww don’t kiss him!
Next day Eddie comes in w/ black pupils.
Bella: I know I smell like dog.
Edward figures out someone has been in Bella’s room. Genius!
Vampire group meeting! Woot! Lots of mumbling. Who could be after Bella? Gee?
Alice: Noo I’d have seen it. (Why didn’t she see all the other stuff?)
Rosalie acts like a jerk to Bella. I still like Rosalie best. Bella says dogboy can protect her while they run around aimlessly.
Wolves decide to take over so vamps can hunt.
T1: So now the wolves wanna protect Bella too? Way to get their priorities straight.
They drive up and there’s Jake doing his model pose.
Edward: Doesn’t he own a shirt?
T1: They save money that way.
Edward sticks his tongue in Bella’s mouth. Subtle!
Jacob hugs her tightly.
Me: Just pee on her already.
Jacob takes her to a tribal meeting.
Bella: Aren’t their stories secret?
Me: Not after Stephenie got hold of them.
Jacob wrestles with another guy.
T1: Finally boys doing boy stuff!
Elder dude: One day our warriors came across a creature
They show the femmiest pirate vampire dude EVER. We laugh. Indians show up wearing potato sacks. Totally freak out. Indian Hulk Smash! We laugh again.
The Native American “third wife” kills herself to distract the vampire. Oh, oh, movie, don’t give Bella ideas.
Bella sits there with same doped up expression
T1: Can she ever breathe through her nose?
Back with pajama stealing vamp dude. Talks to girl. Smashing heads. Blah.
Back to the stupid vampire council. They think newborn vampires are after them. Newborns are like, totes uncontrollable. And need diapers. Not really. But it’d be about as interesting.
Bella back w/Dad who says he’d never stop searching if she were missing. Oooh guilt trip.
Bella and Eddie.
Bella doesn’t know what to tell family.
Me: Mom and Dad: I am a blood sucking freak. Merry Christmas!
Bella and Eddie smooch smooch
Jacob and Bella
Jacob: You love me you just don’t know it yet!
T2: Batman or Dogface? How to choose?
Jacob forces her into kiss. Bella punches him and breaks hand.
Eddie gets madface and he and Jacob slap fight each other.
Back to vampire council. Enddddd. Ennnndddd. How can we only be 45 minutes in???
Rosalie has her flashback. Why is it the background vampires are all more interesting than Edward or Bella?
Stay tuned tomorrow for more of, unfortunately, Bella and Edward. If you dare.
Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon. This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys. We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie. The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella. It was touching. Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness. Enjoy.
Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window. Bella looks down.
T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!
Bella touches his naked abs.
T2: You’re so . . . abby.
Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.
T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.
Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.
(Bella has a dream with a wolf. Hmmmm.)
(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy. Good one! Other shirtless guys show up.)
T1: It’s the shirtless crew!
(Bella smacks one. It turns into freaking huge lame wolf. Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)
T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.
(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob. Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)
T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it. Okay, introductions. This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .
(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)
T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.
Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?
Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way.
Me: I see what you did there, movie!
T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys. He could chop off their heads.
(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)
T1: This music isn’t making it any better.
T2: Sounds like Wii music.
(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up. About TIME. Bella decides to go out into the forest. Good one, Bella.)
All of us: Go, Victoria!
(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)
Me: She’s not a very good vampire.
(Bella stands on the cliff. Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)
Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!
(Bella jumps off the cliff. I guess that saying is true.)
(She falls back under. She starts drowning.)
(Edward hallucination shows up.)
All of us: Eeeeeek!
(Jacob rescues Bella.)
Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.
Jacob: What were you thinking?
T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.
T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.
(Bella snuggles with Jacob. I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)
Bella: You’re so warm.
T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!
T1: He reminds me of our cousin. Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.
(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)
T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!
T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!
T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!
(Jacob starts to kiss Bella. T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)
T1: You’re cheating on Edward. Then again, who wouldn’t?
(Bella sees the Cullen’s car. Oooh, they’re back!)
T1: It’s a trap!
T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.
(Alice is there. Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)
Alice: You’re alive? Why would you try to kill yourself?
Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving. (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)
T2: Lie, lie, lie. Pathetic.
T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?
T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.
T2: Only for the fans.
Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?
Bella: It’s Jacob. He’s kind of a werewolf.
Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.
Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.
(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)
T1: Awww, BARF.
Alice: Let the dog out.
(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)
T1: Stop that. We’re trying to review a crappy movie.
T2: I’m baby cooookie!
T1: Stop ittt! Wait, what’s going on?
(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss. Jacob answers.)
“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”
(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)
T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.
Alice: He thinks you’ve done it! He’s going to the Volturi. He wants to kill himself too.
T1: Oh, good grief.
(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)
T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did. Stupid. Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.
(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)
Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”
T1: What gifts?
(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)
Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.
T1: And sparkle.
Me: Alice keeps having these visions. Why didn’t she earlier?
T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.
(Gobs of people in Italy. So they, like, drove to Italy? There are tons of red cloaks around. Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)
T1: Is this red day?
T2: It’s fifty shades of red!
(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks. His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)
T1: That’s disgusting. He looks sick.
T2: Pathetically sick
T1: Prepare for the sparkles!
(Bella stops him just in time. Darn. Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)
T2: Another Bella panting scene.
(The Volturi guys show up.)
T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway? Cool.
T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.
(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)
T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.
(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi. We are seeing every second of this.)
T1: Awkward elevator scene.
(They reach a huge hall.)
T1: Is this the execution hall?
T2: Yes, yes, yes!
(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress. This is not helping with the white paint look.)
(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)
Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.
(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over. But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)
T2: She’s a Sith!
Volturi: She knows too much.
Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!
(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)
T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.
Bella: Kill me, not him!
T1: Either one will do.
T2: Kill them both. I’m tired.
Me: End movie, endddd.
(Alice promises to turn Bella. She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking. You know, like vampires.)
T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?
(They get back home.)
Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.
T1: And then you ruined it.
Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.
Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.
All of us: Ennnnnddddd!
(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)
T1: All the Cullens are back. Yayy.
(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire. Lots more blah blah blah. She drives off with Edward. Jacob blocks them in the road.)
T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.
(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)
Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.
Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.
Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.
T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore. We will NEVER finish this.
Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.
(And the movie ends right there!!!! Cheers of joy from all around!)
T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd
T2: And pathetiiiiic!
End Part Three. New Moon was the last movie, right? Right????
We’re back with part two of this stupid movie. My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame. Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest. Cue sad trombone. Wah, wahhhhhh.
Me: Where were we?
T2: Jacob’s abs.
Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.
(We fast forward back to forest scene. Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)
(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around. October . . . November . . . December)
T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished. Okay then. Shouldn’t she be dead by now?
(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)
All of us: What the???
T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?
T2: Stupid and pathetic.
(Poor Dad. He tries to talk to Bella.)
T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.
(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)
T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now. Nothing.
(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her. Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)
All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?
Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there. I think I’ll approach them.
(Edward head appears: He says turn around. Bella walks closer. Edward speaks again. Bella gets on motorcycle.)
T1: Stupid! If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.
(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)
Friend: You’re insane. Or suicidal.
Us: Yes, yes, yes.
Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.
T1: YES, that’s it.
Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.
(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix. Jacob picks up bike.)
Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.
T1: She just noticed this?
(Jacob’s friends come over. One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”
(Awkkkward! Haha. We pause so I can write. Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)
T2: Look at his eyebrows. Like Squirrel’s tail.
(Bella says she feels better with Jake. Like, who wants to feel better?)
(Bella screaming in bed again. Dad comes in and rambles. Thing Two is playing with the flashlight. We break for a fight over the flashlight. We are seriously bored.)
T1: Come on, we need to finish this.
T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this. Let’s go.
(Movie is still paused. Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward. I correct her.)
Me: That’s Jacob.
T1: Same difference.
(Bella sees cliff diving. Rush. Oh, ohhh.)
Me: Jump Bella, jump!
T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)
(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him. Bored.)
(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is. Bella drifts off. Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)
(Edward’s head appears again. ARghhhhhhhhh. Bella takes off on motorcycle. Has multiple hallucinations. She flies off bike.)
T1: That was not a good idea.
(She has a cut on forehead. Hereee we go. Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)
(At cafeteria. Pathetic guy asks out Bella. She says yes. Bella wants to see Face Punch.)
Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.
(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy. Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)
Me: I would still rather see this.
(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom. Jacob holds Bella’s hand. He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)
Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.
T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.
(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)
T2: Nooo. Edward, Jacob.
T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.
(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)
Jacob: I feel weird.
Me: Hulk, smash.
T1: Guess what? Full Moon. Whatever.
(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while. We finally see Jacob again.)
T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.
Jacob: Bella, go away.
T1: You’re ruining my life.
(Jacob yammers about vampires.)
Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.
T1: Ugh, really.
Bella: You can’t break up with me.
T1: You weren’t dating.
Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.
Me: Totally codependent.
(Bella sees meadow. The pretty flowers have disappeared.)
Me: What? The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella. They are all the same.)
Black vampire shows up.
Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.
(Edward head appears. He says: “Lie” “Lie better.”
(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate. Blah blah. I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)
Jamaican vampire: How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected? I am doing you a kindness.
T1: By ending your stupid life.
(Enormous wolf shows up. Oh, jeez that’s lame. One stops by her and gives her the eye.
Bella runs back home.)
Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.
Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.
End Part Two. One more to go. Help us all!
We’re back with Twilight II: New Moon. Fun times. I have my fellow reviewers with me. In case you’re just joining us, my fellow reviewers are my children: Thing One (12 yrs old) and Thing Two (8 yrs old). They are multi-tasking – painting nails while making sarcastic comments. I love them.
(Scene selection screen – we see silly dramatic pics of Eddy’s family, then the hottie werewolves, then the Volturi vampires (the big boss guys) in Rome. I inform the girls that they are the ones Edward going to sparkle in front of to sacrifice himself.)
T1: That’s so dumb. No wonder they want to kill him.
T1: All the other werewolves look just like Jacob
T1: It has to be PG 13 because it’s too boring for younger kids to watch.
T2: Summit, why did you turn to the dark side of movie making?
(Bella does her intro.)
T1: Dramatic line, dramatic line. You know there’s a lot of lessons you could learn from this.
Me: Like what?
T1: Don’t date a vampire
(Bella is in the meadow in a dream – she sees an old woman)
T2: Grandma don’t eat the flowers.
(Bella IS the old woman, OMG. Wakes up, Dad comes in.)
Dad: How’d you get so old so fast?
Me: Hahaha, you old fart 18 year old.
(Bella goes to school)
All the kids are flirting with Bella of course)
T1: Why do they like her?
(Edward comes walking over, shirt flapping)
T1: Handsome vampire boyfrieeend woooo . . .
(Edward kisses her)
T1: He still doesn’t know how to kiss. Hey, no PDA people
(Jacob shows up. Wolf poop’s gonna hit the fan. He still looks like Pert Plus, but with muscles)
(T2 runs from the room, comes back with a Ken doll stuck upright in a pencil cup full of peppermints.)
T2: See my Jacob statue?
(Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher – we pause it for a minute – it’s like he’s dangling it in front of her. Perfect. She likes bright shiny objects. You HAVE her Jacob)
(They go into the school. Alice gives Bella a gift. Bella is all annoyed)
Alice: Oooh, I saw you open it, and you love it! Squeal!
Me: I hate her.
(In class –they’re watching Romeo and Juliet – only the Mike guy is realistic, nearly falling asleep)
T1: yeah, how many times has Edward watched this?
(Flashback to Bella getting bitten)
T1: Happy memories.
(They go to Edward’s house. He talks about the Volturi (some femmy vampire council or something). Volturi vampire tears off a vampire’s head – POP!)
T1: Actual vampire deaths?
(Eddie and Bella get romantic again)
T2: Oh, nooooo. You are NOT a vampire
(Birthday Scene – ooooh boy!)
(Rosalie gives her a gift – her expression says: Here’s my gift, I hate you)
T1: Why take pictures when they can’t show up in them?
Me: You’re still thinking of real vampires.
(Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper– blood – papercut sends Jasper into a frenzy. He runs for Bella. Edward protects Bella by flinging her into a glass table that cuts her up for real.)
T2: Now THIS is what I’m talking about! Action!
(They take away Jasper. Damn.)
(Carlisle sews up Bella.)
T2: Stop talking, and get to the action. BOO.
Me: You’re gonna be disappointed, sweetie.
(Eddie drives her home. Once again Bella is wounded after a night out with Eddie)
Bella: Change me. You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandma.
Me: Yeah, she’s not shallow. Pfft
Edward: Do you not understand my feelings for you?
Me: I don’t.
Bella: It’s my birthday. I ask one thing. Kiss me.
T1: He doesn’t know how to kiss.
Me: Oh, the angst, the angst!
(Bella goes to school, no Edward. Eddie goes in her room.)
T1: Romaaaaanticccc montaaaage
Edward: Let’s take a walk in the forest. We have to leave Forks.
Me: Blah blah blah
T2: Mommy, hey, look at T1’s nails! (way more interesting than the movie)
T2: Stare, stare, stare.
Edward: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.
T1: Yeah, right, there are 3 more movies
T2 hits pause: Okay, we’re done with part one!
T1: Hey, this is gonna take us four parts, aw.
T2: I want to do fun stuff. That’s NOT watching Edward and Bella. They’re about to kiss anyway.
(We convince her to at least finish the forest scene. Edward leaves Bella in forest. Dramatic music, Bella runs around and gets lost. It’s dark.)
T2: Come on, Jacob!
(Bella falls, stays on the ground, curls in fetal position, dramatic camera swirl.)
T2: Stop sucking your thumb.
End Part One
Stay tuned tomorrow for our next snarky installment of Twilight II: New Moon. Provided the Things come out of their rooms again.
I was bored, which is always a dangerous sign. I noticed that Speaker had reviewed the latest (and it had better be the last) Twilight movie. Without actually watching it. So I thought, hey, I’ll watch them ALL and see if they’re any different than her predictions. Yes, 50 Shades has destroyed my mind.
My children decided to help me, and I do believe their commentary is better than mine. I recorded it all – and I swear this stuff came out of their mouths. All they knew of this series was the little bits I’d told them about it. I identify them by the monikers Thing One or T1 (12 years old) and Thing Two or T2 (8 years old) Yeah, they’re young, but they had mature parental guidance. Snort. (They are not seeing that last movie. I’m not sure if I can.) Anyway, here we go.
(Producer Summit Entertainment screen comes up.)
T1: How dare you support these movies, Summit?
(Scene selection screen – Edward bounces around Bella. Both kids scream.)
T2: Twilight – farting dawwwwn!
(Deer in forest gets chased by something.)
T1: Nooooo, Jacob, don’t eat the deer! Runnnn!
(Bella whines her intro) (She and Charlie drive across bridge)
T2: Break, bridge, break!
(Bella walks in her room. There is a picture of a wolf on the wall.)
T2: Oooh, it’s a wolf. (Even they get forced foreshadowing)
T1: He’s wearin’ a wig, you can tell. “I’m not a werewolf, I’m not a werewolf!”
(Dad gives her pickup.)
T1: Perfect for Bella to drive into a tree!
(Bella drives to school. Other students stare at her.)
T1: Like, who is that really pale girl? Bella: “I’m so dramatic. I haven’t smiled in 15 years.”
(First admirer sees Bella and acts like a twit. Bella just stumbles around dazed.)
(Cut to Bella playing volleyball.)
Girls chant: Hit her in the head, hit her in the head – yayyy!
(Lunch time – Bella is introduced to other students at the lunch table.)
T1: Oh, are you kidding me? Everyone already loves her.
Bella: Who are they?
T1: The cheerleaders.
(Jasper looks like he’s gonna puke. Oh, goodie, it’s the Edward.)
T1: Why do they think he’s gorgeous? He’s so pale. Blech. Enough stinkin’ dramatic music.
(Bella enters science class and walks by the fan. Hair blows dramatically. We all laugh.)
(Lab partner Edward covers mouth. Looks like he’s about to hurl.)
T1: Hey, I’m not a vampire, I won’t bite you.
(That stare, oh LOL. I’d forgotten how ridiculous it was.)
T1: He has that ability to make people depressed by looking at them.
(Bella talking to Mom on phone.)
Mom: Oh, Bella I miss you too.
T1: No she doesn’t.
(Holy crap, Bella’s remembering Edward and then BAM, the Edward creeper stare out of nowhere! We all scream again. And laugh.)
(Bella is soooo sad at school the next few days. No Edward! “Sure everyone else in the school loves me, but waaaah.”)
(Vampires attack workmen.)
T1: Love the smell of workman blood in the mornin’.
T2: Call Buffy!
(Bella goes to school. Two boys flirt with her. First boy: “Hey, I’m still a loser here.”)
(Edward’s back in lab. Stutter, stutter, stutter conversation. )
Edward: “I was out of town, personal reasons.”
T1: Yeah, I was killing people.
T1: You can tell Edward has the IQ of a peanut.
T1: Shouldn’t they be, like, doing their work?
T1: Half of this movie is staring.
(They walk down the hall together. For God’s sake, Bella can’t get a sentence out. She notices his eye color has changed. She’s known him two days. I don’t know my husband’s eye color. We’ve been married 13 years.)
(Truck scene – Tyler’s van nearly hits Bella. Edward stops van with his face. Everyone sees, but no one notices Edward or the Edward shaped dent in the car.)
At doctor’s. Carlisle walks in.
T1: Nooo, he wants blood donations ahhhh!
(Vampires talk about Bella. Bella peeks around corner. “Hiii.”)
(Edward: No, you silly girl, I wasn’t across the parking lot” Okay, fine, but how did you push the van away with your face?)
(Bella sleeping. Wakes up, Edward standing there. T1 screams.)
T1: Is there a stalker in the house?
(Bella has dramatic flashbacks.)
T1: You’ve only known him for like a day. What?
(Mike begs her for a prom date. Bella stammers – she’s too busy staring at dorkface. They go on a field trip.)
Teacher: Have a steaming cup of compost tea.
Edward: We can’t be friends.
T1: It’s all stare, stare, stare, uh, uh, uh.
(Lunch: Edward catches the apple – oooh, it’s like the book cover.)
Edward: if you were smart, you’d not hang around me (so I’m going to keep hanging around you.)
Bella: Maybe I’m not smart. (I’ll go for that one.)
Bella: Why don’t we hang out?
T1: Worst decision ever.
(La Push beach. Bella milks Jacob for info.)
T1: I’m a werewolf. Wait, no!
Jacob: We’re like descended from wolves. (Explains treaty with Cold Ones.)
T1: Okay this is lame.
Jacob: It’s just a story.
T1: Yeah, like it’s not like they’re vampires.
(Vampires show up and attack fisherman guy.)
T1: Duck and cover!
(Bella Google searches.)
At some point, T2 got bored and started coloring. Don’t blame her.
(Bella asks to go with girls to Port Angelus not for friendship but to find out about Edward. Twit. She’s all alone, walking down dark alley. Stalkers. Hey, everybody loves Bella! Edward drives the Bat Volvo up – okay the rapists are smart enough to be scared, but not Bella. Edward escapes with Bella.)
T1: Talk about bad driving.
(Bella eats w/ Edward.)
Bella: Did you follow me?
T1: Duh, I’m a stalker.
End Part One. Stay tuned. I’m not sure if I’ll lose my fellow reviewers or not. They’re saner than I am.
I picked on some of the “Classics” of literature last time. (I wonder how a book gets to be a classic. Does it have to rate a certain level on the depression scale to be considered? There are very few happy classic books.) Anyway, now I move on to some of the more popular – for some reason – books that people are reading or have read. Many of them have even been made into movies. Then again, so have many comic books, so take that as you will.
The Twilight Series:
Oh, Twilight, how can I rate thee? Surely not as well as many others already have. Just look at the blog roll to see some of the excellent blogs trashing this book like it rightly deserves. I do have one complaint – these people, as far as know, were not around when the series first came out, so I suffered alone. No one should suffer these books alone! There should be some sort of AA group for the victims of bad books. Anyway, be sure to check out these people – they are awesome.
And these are just the ones I’ve discovered so far in my ongoing quest to keep from doing productive work! I’m getting off track again. In case you are one of the six people who haven’t heard of or read this book, here is my summary of all four books in play form for dramatic effect.
Bella: Edward you are so hot
Edward: Yes but I am a vampire. Stay away and get in my Volvo.
Bella: Edward you are so hot. I want to be a vampire too.
Edward: No way. Your blood smells yummy.
Bella: Let us lay in this meadow and stare at each other.
Edward: Watch me sparkle and dazzle!
Bella: Your family is totally cool. I want to be a vampire too.
Edward: No you don’t. We are all beautiful and sparkly and live forever and rainbows shoot out our butts. Why would anyone want that?
Bella: My life is awful. My Dad cares and everyone in school wants to be my friend. Please make me a vampire.
Edward: Let’s play baseball. Oh, no, there is another vampire that wants to kill you.
Bella: What, a plot? I will throw myself into danger for no real reason.
Edward: I will rescue you and blame your injuries on falling down the stairs. Wanna go to prom?
Bella: No but I will because you are hot. Make me into a vampire.
Edward: No – we have three more books to go.
Bella: Yay it’s my birthday but paper cut and my boyfriend left me and my life is over.
Jacob: I am another super hot guy who is crazy about you for no known reason.
Bella: Cool. Help me attempt suicide cause it makes me have hallucinations of my boyfriend Edward who is better than you.
Jacob: Okay. Jump off a cliff.
Bella: Wow I almost died but Jacob rescued me.
Jacob: I am a hot werewolf and I love you.
Bella: Oh no Edward heard I was dead and is going to kill himself by sparkling
Jacob: Lol, what?
Bella: I must go to Italy and stop him. Whew he is alive but these other vampires want me to become a vampire. Edward, turn me into a vampire.
Edward: No. It would take away your soul. Never. Unless you marry me.
Bella: Ew, that’s like a real commitment, yuck. Unlike eternal life.
Jacob: Hey, I’m still here guys.
Edward: Stay away from my girlfriend.
Bella: Oh, nooos, two hot guys are fighting over me!
Reader: This can’t get worse.
Edward: I want to protect you so no more seeing your friend Jacob
Bella: Hey where is my car battery?
Edward: I took it cause I love you. There is a vampire chick out to kill you.
Bella: Make me into a vampire.
Edward: Not till you marry meeee.
Bella: Vampire chick is killing lots of people. Lots of werewolves are mad and want to attack vampires. I am full of angst.
Edward: Let’s be friends with werewolves after all and kill vampire chick. Done.
Jacob: I still love you so I’m gonna force you to kiss my furry self.
Bella: Oh, another sign of abuse. I love you and Edward! How will I choose?
Edward: It says in the book you choose me. Let’s get married.
Bella: Okay, I will send an invite to Jacob. Won’t that be nice?
Reader: It got worse. Wait – there’s still one more book? Why????
Bella: Yay, a wedding! I am pretty and married to Edward. Soon I will give up my soul.
Edward: Let’s honeymoon on my island. Oops I almost broke you. My bad.
Bella: That’s okay. Oh, look, I’m preggers with a demon baby!
Edward: Let’s kill it.
Bella: No ways I luv my baby! Oh, no, baby broke me. I will puke blood.
Edward: Gross. I guess I have to make you a vampire now.
Bella: Yay, I am a vampire and sparkly and perfect and wonderful and demon baby is oh so cute. I will call her Reneesme.
Jacob: That’s an awful name. I will totally marry her one day.
Bella: Ew, quit making googly eyes at my baby!
Edward: Other vampires are going to kill our demon baby. We might have actual action.
Bella: No we won’t. Cause I will make a shield and protect everybody because I am a special snowflake. Mean vampires go away. Yay, together forever and happy!
Reader: Throws book across room.