Tag Archives: eleventy billion dollars

Interview Strategies

By Alice on January 26, 2012 | 1 Comment

So you’ve turned in your impressive resume and someone has called you for an interview. Seriously? They called you? Wow . . . uh, well, anyway, there are certain things you must know before you interview for a job.

First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview. First impressions are key to snagging that job. You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin! No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that

BAD!

says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job. Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are. Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money. You won’t fail to make an impression!

GOOD

So you’ve got the right look. Now you’re ready for the interview. Don’t be late, that looks bad. Show up as early as possible, like the day before. Do not break eye contact with your future interviewer until he invites you into his office (or has you escorted out). Use a firm handshake (a few broken fingers shows you are serious). After your interviewer has recovered, he – or possibly he and a committee of people if you’re lucky – will start asking you questions. So that you can be prepared, here’s some sample questions and answers.

So if the interview’s not going well, we will all hold up “X” signs.

Common Questions and Answers

Tell me something about you.

I’m the tallest midget in the world.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My greatest strength is my ability to see through walls and leap over tall buildings. My greatest weakness is Kryptonite. Hey, what’s that paperweight made out of?

What did you like least about your last job?

All that working stuff. What a pain.

Why should we hire you?

I kidnapped your cat. (Show a picture for proof)

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Right where you’re sittin’, buddy. (grin widely)

What are your goals?

I hope to one day fit an entire bag of red hots in my mouth. Also, I would like to fly. Without a plane.

What would be your ideal working environment?

A bathtub filled with Jello.

How would a friend describe you?

As a saint – why? Did one of them say something? Who was it? (crack knuckles)

What type of salary do you expect?

Eleventy billion dollars. A day. Or whatever Oprah makes.

Describe a problem you’ve had, and how you solved it.

I once had this dead body to dispose of, and I didn’t know where to put it. So I just stuck him in the meat grinder. You don’t eat at Taco Bell, do you?

What type of person would you feel most comfortable working with?

Myself. Except when the voices start arguing. That’s annoying.

Is there anyone you could not work with?

Anyone who watches Toddlers and Tiaras. Also, Hobbits. Their hairy feet freak me out.

It is important to remember that interview questions are designed to test how well you react under pressure. They are also designed for the amusement of managers. The success of certain questions is measured in the amount of sweat around an applicant’s armpits. But don’t worry. Eventually you are going to get that job, because you have what it takes. You’re determined, persistent, unavoidable. And you have the manager’s cat.

Hang in there! You’re sure to snag a thrilling job soon!

Posted in: Joy of Work | Tagged: eleventy billion dollars, goals, interview, job, mindless drones, Oprah, Taco Bell, working stuff

Job Search Fun!

By Alice on January 26, 2012 | 2 Comments

Great news!
There’s a new job open in the lab!

Lots of people are out of work. Or they’re in work, and they hate it. So they’re looking for a job they hate slightly less. Who do they go to for help?

Luckily for these peeps, I have a vast amount of experience in applying and interviewing for jobs, since I’ve applied and interviewed for TONS of jobs that I have never gotten. So I’m an expert. For all you poor saps who are also looking for a job, I thought I might provide some tips.

First off, if you’re applying for anything higher in status than your local McDonald’s you are going to need a resume. What am I saying? Probably McD requires them too – how else will you get into Burger University? (seriously, there is one!)

For the job applicant that just
doesn’t give a crap.

But what’s a resume, you ask? A resume is a way to “sell yourself” without actually taking off your clothes. (Unless you’re applying for a prostitute position, though they usually aren’t quite so formal.) You have to list your skills, education, and work experience. You want this to look impressive, so be sure to leave out all those Fs you got in basket weaving, or the time you got fired for mooning your coworkers at Wal-Mart, or that pesky criminal record. Here is an example:

I.P. Freely

Frank’s van

Butt Crack, Mississippi 111011!

Objective (this sounds important, but is just stating the obvious): To get a job so I can move out of Frank’s van and hopefully Mississippi.

Skills (Stuff you can do. Use bullets – no, the kind on your keyboard, stupid)

Experience with multi-tasking (example: drinking while driving)
Ability to run really fast (especially when chased)
Expert license plate manufacturer and potato peeler

Work Experience (places you showed up to at least once)

Bob’s Bait Shop

Responsibilities: Reading comic books and playing with fish hooks.

Monica’s Massage Parlor

Responsibilities: Massaging clients. No – uh – just massage, that’s it, really.

Fast Eddie’s Car Lot

Responsibilities: Repossessing cars from unknowing clients.

Education (School – the place with all the desks)

Butt Crack High School and Juvenile Detention Center

Buford’s Burger Academy

Here’s where you can get creative. The camera doodle is a nice touch.

Okay, then, the next thing you’re going to need is references. This requires you knowing important people, or at least pretending you do. Considering how pathetic your resume is, you’d better come up with something good. Here are some good examples:

Mother Teresa

– Email: mteresa@mail.heaven.com

Sure she’s technically dead, but can you GET a better recommendation?

Oprah Winfrey

– Email: owinfrey@mail.iamsoawesome.com

Everybody loves her. Can’t go wrong. She might even buy you a car.

Queen Elizabeth II

– Email: QLiz2@mail.buckinghampalace.com

She’s old and rich and lives in a castle. ‘Nuff said.

Okay, you’ve got your resume and your references. Now what? Let’s say they are really impressed (or very desperate) and they call you for an interview. What do you do? Stay tuned for my next segment. The interview: try not to blow this one.

Posted in: Joy of Work | Tagged: Bob's Bait Shop, Burger University, eleventy billion dollars, humor, Mother Teresa, Queen Elizabeth II, references, resume