It’s here, you guys! It’s almost here! That day you spend with irritating people – in line waiting for some toy, most likely an electronic you could have gotten just as cheap months ago. That’s right, forget Thanksgiving, we are just days away from Black Friday, which means you gotta get with it. The stores have. Several released their Black Friday (and Thursday starting at 6pm) ads weeks ago, along with maps like we’re planning some sort of ground assault. Which we are, of course, just like the pilgrims intended.
Some of these stores, like the infamous Toys R Us, have helpfully released toy catalogs so that our children can check off half of it as what they truly, truly NEED. But you can’t get them everything, so it’s best to get them one of the following Top Ten Toys of 2014, lest they abandon you for new, cooler parents and you get to live the rest of your lives
in peace I mean lonely, terribly lonely.
I’ve included links and pictures so you know I’m not making this crap up.
Our first is a Pilgrim Barbie. She’s appropriately skinny, what with the starving they were doing, but I think she might be hoarding a few apples in her top. Next is our Native American Barbie sporting a silky fuschia ensemble with fringe and a huge feather (don’t forget the fringe and feathers!) and of course make-up. Just like the real Indians! Buy them for your kids, and relive history by feeding the dolls then having the Pilgrim barbie make fake treaties with the Native American barbie.
“Tub and Toot” doll does exactly what it says she does. She “toots” in the tub. Yup. That’s pretty much it. Because babies and farts go together like babies and projectile vomiting. I’m waiting for them to make a doll who vomits and spins her head around. Not like they can get weirder . . .
That’s right. “Diaper Surprise”. Frankly, I do NOT ever, ever, ever want to see any sort of surprise coming out of a baby’s diaper. Not ever again. I certainly wouldn’t want to see jewelry coming out in the poop. Nor would I want to wear said jewelry again! What are they encouraging these children to do anyway? God forbid this kid have younger siblings . . . I can just imagine the fallout on that one.
Oh, by the way, there are more charm filled diapers when your kid runs out, only 8 bucks for a pack of three. No, really.
Yes, this is the third baby doll here, but I’ve found them to be some of the weirdest toys on the market. And this one continues our “bodily function” theme we’ve got going. (And this is in the “girls” section guys). Just feed baby some sulfur like baby “food” (about as delicious as the real thing I’m sure) and she get green diapers. I remember changing the green slop (no charms luckily) but why would you want to do this for fun? I mean poop is not something you play with . . . wait.
5. Prank Star Poo Dough (Warning: You can’t unsee this)
We just can’t get away from poop can we? Who needs coal in your stocking, am I right? Huh? The screen shot cut off some, but I’ll fill you in with the entire lovely description:
Make and shape your own poo! Add the Poo Dough to the mold and make your own poo-shaped creations. It includes two canisters of brown Poo Dough (in different shades) and one canister of yellow (to create corn and peanut accessories). It looks like the real thing but smells much better!
Did they just say “corn and peanut accessories”? They did. They totally did. And lest you think this is some adult toy from Spencer’s Gifts, it is actually in stores – in the kid section. That’s where my brother found it. So a big thank you to him. And here’s a real review.
This is what you get when you watch Disney Channel with your kids. Commercials for stuff like this. You can tell just by looking what a sophisticated game this is, but I’ll give you the description anyway.
Gooey Louie is a nose-picking good time for the whole family! When it’s your turn to play, pick Louie’s nose and pull out a gooey. But watch out! If you pull out the wrong booger, he’ll flip his lid. His eyes will pop and his brain will fly out!
Each Gooey Louie game comes with one Gooey Louie head, one jumping brain, one base, 12 gooeys, one rubber band, one die and instructions. This item is recommended for ages 4 and up. It is designed for two or more players.
A free storage bag is included.
After reading about brains popping out and boogers picked (who says you can’t pick your friend’s nose?), all I can ponder is – what is the storage bag for?
7. Chatster doll (She “interacts” in a not-at-all creepy way!)
I had never heard of this doll, but the girls clued me in on it, and boy am I happy they did because I think I’m gonna have nightmares. It’s like they took a tween caricature and shoved it in a doll that is connected to your phone and can really call you. I can’t actually do it justice with a picture, so here’s the commercial. I’d almost rather have the poo maker.
8. Ugglys Electronic Monkey (for the mucus loving kid in your house)
You have my darling Things to thank for many of these. I had no idea. Just – what are they doing to our children, WHAT? This is a toy called an “uggly”. It says it right there. It’s ugly, probably has monkey plague, and it’s terrible at spelling. What ever happened to sticking good old educational Lincoln Logs up your nose, huh?
Oh, yeah, and I was just informed it can burp and fart too. Merry Christmas.
9. Doctor Dreadful Stomach Churner (exactly as described)
For the future serial killer, here’s a neat-o toy that lets you create organs and then eat them! Jeffrey Dahmer approved.
Also – I never want to hear “cherry colon cola” ever again.
Okay, the elf on the shelf has been overdone. Most people either hate it, hate it, hate it, or love creating psychological terror in children who just aren’t controlled enough by fear of a magical, invisible fat man. Nope, now the guy has a mole, and he’s in your house, watching your every move. Moving from room to room.
But now it’s gone too far. He’s in the bathroom, guys. Watching you pee and everything. Sure it’s a decal and not the actual doll (though we still get his creepy eyes on the decal, the body wash, and the soap) but STILL. I’m pretty sure it still reports back to Santa. Be afraid.
Okay, so there you have it. We’ve got dollies that fart and poop, play doh poop, fake boogers, organ eating, an electronic stalker doll, a creeper elf, and a couple of historical boobs. Your Christmas list is complete!
Enjoy, and be sure to wear extra padding for defense against the hoards. Just like Barbie.
Ah, Santa Claus. He’s a hoot because he gives you a chance to lie to your kids and get away with it. It’s for a greater cause, of course – getting the little punks to behave lest they lose any of their much wanted merchandise. Recently, Santa has gotten lazy, though, and enlisted the help of the elf on the shelf. This little freak narcs on kids to Santa for an entire flipping month. He’s so creepy. That . . . that grin. And he keeps moving around. You never know where he’ll be. Some elves even stage elaborate pranks. This scares the heck out of me, and I’m not even a small child.
Why do you need an elf anyway? Isn’t Santa scary enough? Oh, sure, Coca Cola painted him as a fat old jolly fellow in a red suit, but they also made polar bears look adorable, and those things can rip your face off. All you have to do is listen to songs about Santa to make you start questioning this kind little fairy tale we all tell to our kids. Well, most of us think it’s a fairy tale. Fox News had four commentators on – there’s actual video – discussing Santa’s ethnicity. In case you were wondering, he’s white. According to Megyn, Fox News Host, that’s a “verifiable fact.” Also in discussion was Jesus who naturally was also white. So I guess that explains why some minority children get crappy gifts. Anyway, some people believe in Jesus and others don’t, but I’m pretty sure most people over eight or so realize Santa is imaginary. And thank goodness for that. Here’s just three songs that point out why I find Santa kind of scary, and you should too. But first, check out the scariness of Fox News.
Exhibit A: Santa Claus is coming to town
This has to be the worst one of the bunch. Just for kicks, try replacing “Santa Claus” with “Serial Killer”.
You better watch out, better not cry
Better not pout I’m telling you why
Serial killer is coming to town.
See? Happy, happy! Note that you can also replace “Santa Claus” with “Christian Grey” and get the same effect. These next lines, slightly edited by yours truly, show that Santa is really not to be trusted.
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows what your address is man
So lock your door for goodness sakes
Elf on the shelf really can’t come close to that kind of terrifying wackiness. I don’t even think he has a song unless you count “Somebody’s watching me” or “Every Breath You Take”.
Exhibit B: Up on the House Top
This one’s just really, really odd. I had to look up the lyrics because they didn’t make sense and they still don’t make sense.
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go
up on the house top click, click, click,
down through the chimney with good St. Nick.
Well, I wouldn’t go up on the housetop and I’m not so sure we should be encouraging children to do this either. Hey, there’s some weirdo on the roof, Willy, why don’t you go check that out? Don’t worry, honey, you can slide down the chimney to get back down! Then you can open your stocking and see what totally appropriate toys Santa got you!
Next comes the stocking of little Will
Oh, just see what a glorious fill
Here is a hammer and lots of tacks
Also a ball and a whip that cracks
Holy crap. I’m thinking this is just asking for a trip to the ER and multiple lawsuits here. Little Nell better hide her dolly unless she wants her brother to hammer some tacks in her. Or use his whip. I can’t believe whips weren’t on the top toys list for Toys R Us this year. Ah, the good old days when you could give your kids fun stuff like whips, hammers, and lawn darts.
The next song really confuses the heck out of me, but it does lend credence to the theory, sported by my then four-year-old daughter Thing One, that Santa works for God. Something like middle management, I guess.
Exhibit C: Here Comes Santa Claus
Hang your stockings and say your prayers
Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Why do we need prayers? Are these prayers that Santa is okay, or prayers that Santa leaves our house untouched?
Santa Claus knows we’re all God’s children
That makes everything right
We are? All of us? What about the kids who are other religions? Do they not count? I thought Santa was Pagan. When did he convert? I’m really confused here. Maybe Fox News could explain this to me a little better.
So let’s give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight
We’re thanking God for Santa Claus? So then – God created Santa? But wait, if Santa’s not real, then is this song lying about God? I mean, talk about a way to mess with a child’s mind there. Or does Santa just hire out maybe? Like he works for Pagans sometimes, and Christians sometimes, and Muslims sometimes, but this particular song writer just assumes that Santa is Christian? If this isn’t a Fox News Christmas Song, I don’t know what is, you guys. Let’s thank baby Jesus for sending us white Santa Claus who stalked us and snuck in our houses and gave us weapons, la la la la la! Yay!