It’s here, you guys! It’s almost here!  That day you spend with irritating people – in line waiting for some toy, most likely an electronic you could have gotten just as cheap months ago.  That’s right, forget Thanksgiving, we are just days away from Black Friday, which means you gotta get with it.  The stores have.  Several released their Black Friday (and Thursday starting at 6pm) ads weeks ago, along with maps like we’re planning some sort of ground assault.  Which we are, of course, just like the pilgrims intended.

Some of these stores, like the infamous Toys R Us, have helpfully released toy catalogs so that our children can check off half of it as what they truly, truly NEED.  But you can’t get them everything, so it’s best to get them one of the following Top Ten Toys of 2014, lest they abandon you for new, cooler parents and you get to live the rest of your lives in peace I mean lonely, terribly lonely.

I’ve included links and pictures so you know I’m not making this crap up.

1. Pilgrim and Indian Barbies (Yay, history!)

Lest you think we’ve entirely forgotten Thanksgiving, here are two authentic reproductions of our original absolutely true Thanksgiving story.  Cause nothing says “authentic” like Barbie.

Our first is a Pilgrim Barbie.  She’s appropriately skinny, what with the starving they were doing, but I think she might be hoarding a few apples in her top.  Next is our Native American Barbie sporting a silky fuschia ensemble with fringe and a huge feather (don’t forget the fringe and feathers!) and of course make-up.  Just like the real Indians!  Buy them for your kids, and relive history by feeding the dolls then having the Pilgrim barbie make fake treaties with the Native American barbie.

2. Farting baby dolls

Who needs a spa when you’ve got this kid?

“Tub and Toot” doll does exactly what it says she does.  She “toots” in the tub.  Yup.  That’s pretty much it.  Because babies and farts go together like babies and projectile vomiting.  I’m waiting for them to make a doll who vomits and spins her head around.  Not like they can get weirder . . .

3. Baby dolls who poop lucky charms

Meet Lalapoopsy. She takes tooting a step farther.

That’s right.  “Diaper Surprise”.  Frankly, I do NOT ever, ever, ever want to see any sort of surprise coming out of a baby’s diaper.  Not ever again.  I certainly wouldn’t want to see jewelry coming out in the poop.  Nor would I want to wear said jewelry again!  What are they encouraging these children to do anyway?  God forbid this kid have younger siblings . . . I can just imagine the fallout on that one.

Oh, by the way, there are more charm filled diapers when your kid runs out, only 8 bucks for a pack of three.  No, really.

4. Baby dolls who poop green.

Feed me and change my poops!

Yes, this is the third baby doll here, but I’ve found them to be some of the weirdest toys on the market.  And this one continues our “bodily function” theme we’ve got going.  (And this is in the “girls” section guys).  Just feed baby some sulfur like baby “food” (about as delicious as the real thing I’m sure) and she get green diapers.  I remember changing the green slop (no charms luckily) but why would you want to do this for fun?  I mean poop is not something you play with . . . wait.

5. Prank Star Poo Dough (Warning: You can’t unsee this)

OMG JUST WHYYY???

We just can’t get away from poop can we?  Who needs coal in your stocking, am I right?  Huh?  The screen shot cut off some, but I’ll fill you in with the entire lovely description:

Make and shape your own poo! Add the Poo Dough to the mold and make your own poo-shaped creations. It includes two canisters of brown Poo Dough (in different shades) and one canister of yellow (to create corn and peanut accessories). It looks like the real thing but smells much better!

Did they just say “corn and peanut accessories”?  They did.  They totally did.  And lest you think this is some adult toy from Spencer’s Gifts, it is actually in stores – in the kid section.  That’s where my brother found it.  So a big thank you to him.  And here’s a real review.

Now I saw this on South Park but . . . whaaat?

6. Gooey Louie (Cause who doesn’t love boogers?)

Boogers AND brains? Sign me up!

This is what you get when you watch Disney Channel with your kids.  Commercials for stuff like this.  You can tell just by looking what a sophisticated game this is, but I’ll give you the description anyway.

Gooey Louie is a nose-picking good time for the whole family! When it’s your turn to play, pick Louie’s nose and pull out a gooey. But watch out! If you pull out the wrong booger, he’ll flip his lid. His eyes will pop and his brain will fly out!

Each Gooey Louie game comes with one Gooey Louie head, one jumping brain, one base, 12 gooeys, one rubber band, one die and instructions. This item is recommended for ages 4 and up. It is designed for two or more players.

A free storage bag is included.

After reading about brains popping out and boogers picked (who says you can’t pick your friend’s nose?), all I can ponder is – what is the storage bag for?

7. Chatster doll (She “interacts” in a not-at-all creepy way!)

At first I thought this was a hipster Mrs. Potato Head.

I had never heard of this doll, but the girls clued me in on it, and boy am I happy they did because I think I’m gonna have nightmares.  It’s like they took a tween caricature and shoved it in a doll that is connected to your phone and can really call you.  I can’t actually do it justice with a picture, so here’s the commercial.  I’d almost rather have the poo maker.

8. Ugglys Electronic Monkey (for the mucus loving kid in your house)

This monkey needs some Mucinex stat.

You have my darling Things to thank for many of these.  I had no idea.  Just – what are they doing to our children, WHAT?  This is a toy called an “uggly”.  It says it right there.  It’s ugly, probably has monkey plague, and it’s terrible at spelling.  What ever happened to sticking good old educational Lincoln Logs up your nose, huh?

Oh, yeah, and I was just informed it can burp and fart too.  Merry Christmas.

9. Doctor Dreadful Stomach Churner (exactly as described)

Mmm, kids go crazy for the yummy taste of stomach juices!

For the future serial killer, here’s a neat-o toy that lets you create organs and then eat them!  Jeffrey Dahmer approved.

Also – I never want to hear “cherry colon cola” ever again.

10. Lotta Love The Elf on the Shelf Scented Bath Gift Set

There are some places the elf should not go!

Okay, the elf on the shelf has been overdone.  Most people either hate it, hate it, hate it, or love creating psychological terror in children who just aren’t controlled enough by fear of a magical, invisible fat man.  Nope, now the guy has a mole, and he’s in your house, watching your every move.  Moving from room to room.

But now it’s gone too far.  He’s in the bathroom, guys.  Watching you pee and everything.  Sure it’s a decal and not the actual doll (though we still get his creepy eyes on the decal, the body wash, and the soap) but STILL.  I’m pretty sure it still reports back to Santa.  Be afraid.

Okay, so there you have it.  We’ve got dollies that fart and poop, play doh poop, fake boogers, organ eating, an electronic stalker doll, a creeper elf, and a couple of historical boobs.  Your Christmas list is complete!

Enjoy, and be sure to wear extra padding for defense against the hoards.  Just like Barbie.