In case you missed the first installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read. Now we continue . . .
Bambi here. SNIFF. I am SO SAD since I broke up with Dick Head on Sunday. Like, so sad there’s totally a vacuum in my head. I mean heart. And I am bereft which also means sad cause I looked it up in my thesaurus. I had to look up thesaurus too – turns out it is not a dinosaur. Anyhoo, those Holocaust guys have nothing on me because nobody has ever, ever suffered bouts of agony (thanks thesaurus!) like I have. Click to enlarge unless you like have super vision like Dick!
Even though I was SUFFERING, I still had to go to my new job. I work at the Kibbles to Bits Veterinary Clinic. My boss is named Frank N Stein. He has such an evil laugh when he cuts open animals that I can’t help but think of Dick and his spandex and his super sex powers and then I must keen quietly which makes the dogs howl at me. Bitches.
But then while I was playing Farmville on the company computer, I got an email! Zomg it was Dick Head! I said we couldn’t go out cause we broke up and I was going to see my ethnic friend Jesus’s finger paintings just as soon as I found a ride. Guess what? Dick Head said he’d drive me in the Batmobile! I’m not sure how he got it since he’s not really Batman, but who cares? Yay me! I am on cloud ten.
But like Taylor Swift says, we are never, ever like getting back together.
Dick Head and I are back together! It was so romantical! First we saw Jesus’s paintings (Psst he’s not the one from the Bible. I was confused too) and Jesus tried to pee on me to claim his territory (I think it’s a Mexican thing) but Dick beat him to it! You know what they say – golden showers bring May flowers!
After a night of passion in a giant vat of Jello, we went to a charity ball which is not a ball but a dance. He did give me some balls, though, to stuff up my hoo ha. He’s so sweet like that. At the ball I got to meet Dr. Mindbender, who is like the shrink he had in Arkham. Dr. Mindbender told me that Dick is not the Riddler pretending to be the Batman but actually Destro who pretends he is the Riddler who is thinks he is Batman.
I was so confused the balls dropped out of my hoo ha and exploded. Turns out they were vaginal bombs. I didn’t know they made those. He said he’s part of COBRA, a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Also that he bought the vet clinic where I work so he could control me. I’m so confused. I’m going to make a mixed tape and think about it tomorrow.
I am so upset! Just found out that Dick’s ex girlfriend who is some Baroness from like California is trying to kill me. I’m so scared. I mean, what if Dick is still in love with her? I’d be in a world of darkness again, like that time Kimberly Kardishipan accidentally locked me in the closet.
I went to work to try and forget about my ANGUISH but Frank Stein was all huffy because I didn’t show up to work yesterday. Also, I’m behind in my blow jobs. I didn’t remember that being in the job description – I guess it’s part of that “and other duties as assigned.”
At least I get to text Dick at work. He gave me this new iPhone (product like placement!) and we texted back and forth and back and forth. Like this:
Dick: Wear r u?
Bambi: @work i wan 2 do u!
Dick: B rite ther k?
I was really excited about that text and waiting for Dick Head to show up but then it wasn’t him – it was, like, the Baroness! She said “Hello Dahlink.” Zomg it was terrible! She was PRETTY! But then Dick Head showed up and she ran away. I was so scared Dick Head had to carry me home in a Baby Bjorn and sex me up a while with the batcuffs and the batflogger and some live cobras. Then I was so comforted and we cuddled and fell asleep.
I, like, totally woke up with Dick Head after falling asleep with him last night! He was all twisted around me like a snake. Then I realized it WAS a snake – one of his pet cobras from last night.
He woke up when I screamed and then we got all excited so we DID IT again! I love how Dick smells like Summer’s Eve and spandex and Dick. He is so hot and I am SO in LOVE and my split personalities danced around like toddlers.
But I had to go to work even on a Saturday! Like, so annoying! Dick said it was too dangerous to go to work. But I am totally an independent girl, just like Barbie, so I went anyway.
It was kinda weird, cause there weren’t any customers or pets or anything, just Frank N Stein. He wanted to put these little wires all over me and tie me to a table but I said NO cause only Dick Head can do experiments on me, I mean GAWD. I went back to the apartment I share with Kimberly Kardishipan. She’s totally off on vacation with Dick Head’s brother Shitt Head – I think he’s French or something.
But when I got inside there was the Baroness again! Zomg she looked even hotter than before! Also she had a gun! She started talking all crazy like, saying Dick was a terrorist and would probably totally kill me so I should run away. So she could get him herself I bet! No way!
But like a good neighbor, Dick Head was there! He said “Big Mac” and she just fell over. Turns out – she was a robot! From the future! I am just so confused. How did they make a robot so pretty?
I am so ANGUISHED again. Dick Head has his own robot, so why would he want me? I was sad enough to go to work, even though it was still like the weekend. Huh.
Frank N Stein was alone again! What were the chances? This time he didn’t even talk to me, he just strapped me down to this table and started pulling these switches and knobs and I got a little worried cause I was wearing my Ralph Lauren dress and it’s totally short and might show my butt and only Dick gets to see my butt. I texted Dick with my teeth (I’m good with my teeth).
Bambi: Hlp! Save me, k?
Dick: Bach Pad on – l8tr baby
Bambi: K. Tivo pls?
Frank N Stein put some thingys on my head and shot a bunch of electricity into my skull. It was far out. He said he wanted to make my synapses work, I think. I asked “What are synapses” and he cried like a big baby. When Dick Head came to save me, he was just sitting there saying “Why, why, why?”
Frank N Stein was totally fired so guess what? I am now the head vet! I did, like, surgery on this cat and removed some spongy thing – I don’t think it was important. Later I couldn’t find my Iphone, but the cat kept ringing.
Dick picked me up and said he had somewhere special to take me! Turned out it was the Fortress of Solitude which he said he got a good deal on when Superman left. He says he wants it to be our house and then he proposed marriage to me! Zomg!
I like, totally want to marry Dick, but he’s like this terrorist who pretends he’s the Riddler who thinks he’s Batman. I don’t have quite enough personalities to keep up with that. What to do? What to do?
Dick Head and I are, like, engaged! I am SO happy I could pee! He took apart the Baroness and shipped her back UPS and Frank ran away so he’s no worry anymore and Dick said he is totally quitting Cobra, that terrorist organization, and he’s not going to be a super villain anymore either. He is CHANGED by my hoo-ha! I mean love!
Stay tuned for my happy ever after, k?
I have decided to preface the latest recap with an urgent appeal to Stephenie Meyer, writer of Twilight.
I want to apologize for saying your books are the most sucktastic books in the history of ever and for calling you a hack writer that can’t even spell her first name correctly. That was mean. I am truly sorry. For karma hath reared her ugly head, and hath brought from her fiery bosom Fifty Shades of Grey. In comparison, you are a fabulous writer, and your books are so awesome. I only have one request, and if you will just honor it I will never say bad stuff about Twilight again; in fact I will recommend it be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. I want you to face off with E.L. James who has clearly stolen some of your material and somehow managed to both make it worse and make money off of it. You don’t have to sue her, although that would be cool. Just go to the media and start a shit storm about her and I will be ever so happy. Truly, that might make not just my day, but my entire life. I will never ask for anything ever, ever again so help me Edward.
Your Greatest Fan.
Okay. With that out of the way, we go back to our regularly scheduled snark already in progress. Chapter 11 brings us The Contract. All of it. Even three appendixes. I think she copied this off the internet somewhere. She even includes the bits that we read in the last chapter. It’s a big long mess of psychotic slavery legalese. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the terms warranty and buttplug in the same document before, but there’s a first time for everything. The only part of the contract we don’t see is the part where he tells her what she can and can’t eat, because Ana just can’t go there, you know.
Ana gets her Macbook (product placement presents!) from Christian. She reveals that she does not have an e-mail address. Just – I don’t – she’s a college student – how . . . nevermind. Well, Ana gets an email address; and readers, James just abuses the hell out of it. This chapter, and chapter 12, are filled with emails back and forth between Ana and Christian. It’s such an awesome plot device, that I think I’ll write some emails to E.L. James.
From: Christian Grey
To: EL James
Ms James, thank you for creating me in all my godliness, but did you have to make me such a fuckwad?
-Christian Grey, Master of the Universe
From: EL James
To: Christian Grey
Subject: You are Dreamy
Christian, I love you can I please have your babies?
E.L. “kiss kiss” James
From: Anastasia Steel
To: EL James
If I am your self-insert, then why did you make me so stupid? Are you going to kill me? Because so far my story is reading like a Lifetime movie.
Ana Bobana Steel
From: EL James
Subject: Listen to your inner goddess
I gave you three voices for advice, what more do you want?
EL “The Great” James
To: EL James
I hate you. Stop writing immediately.
As I said, there are a lot of idiotic fifth grade level emails back and forth as Ana and Christian negotiate the sex slave contract and Ana chuckles at “playful Christian”. Then, in a rare burst of intelligence that probably burns out a few synapses, she writes an email that she has seen enough and “it was nice knowing you.” And then she agonizes because he does not send an email back oh noos is he angry? Turns out, yes, cause HE SHOWS UP AT HER APARTMENT AND THIS IS NOT AT ALL INAPPROPRIATE.
Christian sexes her up and then she’s all puddy like and he leaves satisfied that he has screwed her into submission once again. Kate comes to check on her after he leaves, and Ana is in tears, because some part of her, deep down in that tiny unused part of her brain, knows that Christian is a freaked out maniac. But she ignores that part, and goes back to sending Christian email questions about the contract. He writes back in all “shouty” caps and intimidates her from a distance. She falls into a “troubled” sleep.
“He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.” (Ch11 p155)
How is this girl not on a milk carton already?