I was feeling a lot better, but then I started feeling not as good. I’m not sure why. It might have been going back to work and trying to get used to regular life again. Or maybe that’s just part of treatment. At any rate, I am going back for another extra treatment today. Hopefully that will help.
There’s one other thing that might help, though. I’m not sure if you’ve watched the news (or the comedy shows that do as good a job only more amusing) but it seems little Donny is a moron. Remember how Hillary Clinton lost the election mostly because of her stupid emails? Yeah? Well, guess what?! She’s not the only one with dumb emails. It seems Don Jr met with a Russian lawyer who gave him confidential info on Hillary which they then used to influence the 2016 election. We’ve been suspecting there was collusion between the Trumps and the Russians for a while, but no one thought that a Trump would actually flat out give written proof of it. I told my thirteen-year-old about this and she frowned and asked, “Isn’t that treason?” Yes, Thing Two, yes it is, good job. Now if only adults on Fox News would figure it out, it’d be great. Till then, we can watch them squirm.
Now I have clips from Stephen Colbert of the Late Show and Trever Noah of the Daily Show. Sure I could have found a bunch of official news clips, but you can do that. This is much less boring. Anyway, my point here is that this has the potential to cheer me up quite a bit. I know it did last night when Thing One and I were watching and laughing so hard we nearly fell out of our chairs. Of course, I could be wrong. They are rich jerks and often they tend to get away with anything but – if nothing else they are not going to shake this for a while. It should keep them busy. Too busy – I hope – to keep working on that healthcare bill that will leave 23 million more uninsured. Yes, Fox News is trying to defend the Trumps and sounding almost as ridiculous as Don Jr. did when he tweeted out the entire email chain containing information that directly links him to the scandal. I did you the favor of linking clips from the Daily Show and the Late Show right here!
And not to forget Stephen’s report – view them both to get all the goodies, if you haven’t already . . .
Weee! Who says you can’t have Christmas in July? Stayed tuned.
Your raving reporter,
I made it. Through nausea inducing, irritating, exploding headachy, nasty, awful crap I trudged. And that was before I contracted Pneumonia. But I did not give up! Not even when Hugo the bald, creepy puppet man used his voodoo spells to curse me with eternal bad hair (I do not blame Hugo. He was no match for 50 Shades.) No, reader, I charged onward through this crappy book all because of
your stats you. You’re welcome.
It is hard to truly put into words what reading this book is like. I still think the best comparison is the speed bump. Imagine that the entire world is one big school zone. You can only drive 20 mph, must watch out for stray children and SUV driving moms on cellphones and every few feet you hit a speed bump. BUMP. E.L. James’s writing is filled with these speed bumps on every single page, heck, in almost every paragraph. You can be reading the drippy, boring prose but you’re still putting along until BUMP you hit something that makes you either a) roll your eyes b) laugh out loud at the idiocy c) whack your head against something d) curse James or, most often, e) all of the above.
There are so many examples of this. Every time Ana is jealous of anything female, even, I swear to sweet white baby Jesus, Christian’s helicopter, which he calls a “she”. BUMP. Every time Ana refers to Christian as God’s gift to women. BUMP. Every time a male lusts after Ana or a female lusts after Christian and the other one gets pissed about it. BUMP. Every time one of those wonderful, repetitive lines is uttered – “hard, thin line” (bump), “fair point, well made” (bump), “pants hanging that way” (bump), “down there”(bump), “Oh, my”(bump), “Jeez”(bump), “Come, Ana”(bump), and the millions of murmurs, mutters, and sighs (bump, bump, BUMP). I think my absolute favorite one has to be when Christian refers to himself as the royal “we” as in “We aim to please, Miss Steele.” (bumpity bump bump) Next thing you know, he’ll just start referring to himself in the third person, like Elmo, which makes sense considering he already acts like a two-year-old. “Ana Mine! Ana Mine!”
And the heart stopping plots! Crazy Leila with a gun! Crazy rapey Jack! Crazy Mrs. Robinson! Crazy helicopter go boom-boom! Crazy will they or won’t they have sex in the next two pages cliffhangers! Crazy house shopping and driving around aimlessly! Crazy wedding proposals after descriptions of lusting after crack-whore mom look-a-likes! Crazy pages of absolutely nothing happening but talk talk talk leading nowhere! Such excitement I nearly wet myself!
And just when you think you can’t take anymore, there are the EMAILS! BUMP!
But oddly enough, the thing that really makes my mind reel, starting in book two, is the abrupt change in point of view for only a few paragraphs. Twice. Just WTF, James? You decided to write in first person. There are limitations to that, as in, you only know what the main character is thinking, which is even more limiting if that character is a gold-fish brained bitch like Ana. But still, you made your bed, so freaking lie in it. You don’t get to suddenly have it in third person from the point of view of four-year-old Christian because you want to – it doesn’t work that way. It’s confusing and stupid.
50 Shades Dumber opens with poor widdle Christian, crack-whore mommy, and a pimp from the movie “Pulp Fiction”. There’s no real reason for this, except I guess for you to feel sorry for Christian being used as an ash tray, but we already knew that, so why? I mean, there are other ways she could have conveyed the same scene without switching the point of view like that. But no, there it is, standing out like a big, freaking speed BUMP and the story has only just opened.
The second instance of this comes in the last page of 50 Shades Dumber. This time we’re thrust into third person so we can see Snidely sitting outside nefariously plotting the doom of Christian while smoking, rubbing his hands together, and cackling with glee. Of course it doesn’t say it’s Snidely, we’re just supposed to guess. Gee, who could possibly want to destroy Christi-poo and Ana-kins who could have been arrested but was just plopped in a cab instead? I can’t figure it OUT. HELP ME. This passage made me madder than the rest of the book combined because it’s just so wrong. I mean, you learn about this crap in freaking high school English here. Did James go to high school? How bad are British schools, cause I thought Americans kinda had the sorry school system market cornered. Just – arghhhhh.
Okay, better now. And I’m all ready for book three, which I have been warned is the worst one yet. I’ve read Speaker’s recaps, and all I can remember is a picture of a blue bunny on a waterski. I think that should be on the cover instead of the handcuffs, personally. It’s much more visually interesting. Maybe Goofy will release her memoirs soon, so we can read something that’s actually good. I hear she might consider it once she’s done with her stint on Bachelor Pad.
Since I’ve interviewed most of the stupid characters from the book with 50 Shades Dumber, I’ll have to try something else for book three. I’m thinking more bitchy reviews but this time with pictures harvested from Google images and my own nefarious mind on Paint. Possibly some multiple choice quizzes will be involved, because I love taking moronic quizzes like in Cosmo. I’ve also considered a “choose your own adventure” style, except that I’m pretty sure everyone would choose “they blow up all over the place” every time, and we wouldn’t get very far into the story. Unless they were to become zombies. Actually, that would kind of rock, except I’d feel sorry for the other zombies. I will have to think on this. Should you have any suggestions, feel free to add them in the comment section below.
Also, another thank you for all the well wishes and pleas to aliens and whatnot for my recovery from 50 Shades of Pneumonia. They were much appreciated. I love you all.
Pardon me while I take a break from our regularly scheduled interviews to report some of my findings. In order to properly get you in the mood, I invite you to watch this short from the 1960s advertising cars, kitchen appliances, and insanity, made easier by the snarky observations of Josh Way.
Has your brain sufficiently melted yet? Good. That will make the rest of this go down much easier. Because, you see, I have had a slight problem lately with rage. Here are a few of the reasons why.
1. What Ana’s wearing
Suffice it to say, I don’t give a shit what she’s wearing. Ever. I mean, yes, it might help to have a little description of your character’s dress, say when they first meet each other, or if they’re meeting each other after a long breakup (like three days) or if it, I dunno, has something to do with the freaking plot.
But no, we get to learn what Ana wears every single time she gets dressed. And considering how often she gets undressed, this adds up to a hell of a lot of description. I don’t care that she’s wearing a gray pencil skirt, or pantyhose, or 20 inch heels. It really is like James is playing dress up with her mini me. “Oooh, hot me would look good in this.” You really can’t convince me this woman is over twelve. You just can’t.
And for God’s sake, if I hear about her roommate’s plum dress one more time, I’m going to scream. Stop it, James. STOP IT NOW.
2. The emails.
OMFG, the emails. I have never read a book where an entire email was featured ever. And yet she uses this stupid plot device constantly. Over and over and over and over. It makes me not want to email again ever. Certainly not with cutesy sayings in the subject lines. I think this is designed to make the characters sound charming, but it doesn’t, it makes them sound like morons. And if we’re going to have them do this, make them at least sound like modern morons. Have them text each other. That’s what modern morons do constantly.
Example: Christian says: ana u r sxy omg
Ana says: thnx u r sxy 2. wnt 2 hav sxx? w/ btplgs?
Christian and Ana texting would be annoying, but at least it would be shorter. They spend so much time emailing each other, it’s a wonder they have time for all the sex.
3. The sex
I actually fell asleep today while reading a sex scene. I’m not kidding. They have gotten so boring and repetitive that if you were to take a drink every time they mention certain things, you would be drunk before the first page was through. And these scenes go on for pages. And pages. And pages.
For instance: Take a drink anytime one of the following things happens.
Christian orders Ana to come.
A foil packet is ripped.
Ana says “Oh, my.”
There is mention of Christian’s massive erection.
Ana reports that Christian tastes “mighty fine” (VOMIT)
Christian is spent or finds his release
Ana shouts “Arghh.”
Christian touches her sex (James has still not figured out vagina)
Ana says “Jeez.”
Note: No character should say “Jeez” during sex. Unless said character is the Beaver. And then I really don’t want to know about it.
There is just so much more. So, so, so much more. But that’s all I have right now. There’s no sense beating my breast about what’s happened in the past, right? That’s what Dr. Flynn would say, because Dr. Flynn is a genius. I am looking forward to the future. Which will be the same as the past. Awful. You know, some people improve as they write, but she somehow manages to get even worse. This shouldn’t be humanly possible.
But it is. Oh, it is. And there’s going to be a movie of this. And not on Lifetime (which would be perfect) but the big screen. I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine. But you know I’ll watch it.
I am a very sad person. But my sacrifice, and that of the great Speaker, has not been forgotten. Observe my most fabulous award in the history of ever, created by Madame Weebles.