Tag Archives: epic quests

My New Epic Quest

“I did absolutely nothing.  And it was everything I thought it could be.”
–         Peter Gibbons in Office Space
office space

It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.

A while back I wrote a little post called Epic Quests and Crap Like That.  You might remember it, since it got Freshly Pressed, and also since I’m reminding you of it right now.  Also there’s that handy link.  But anyhoo, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this quest of mine and whether this is the right path for me.

You see, I’m what people might call a “worrier” or “neurotic” or “a total freakazoid”.  I can manage to turn the simplest of tasks into a monumental undertaking.  And if there’s a book on this undertaking?  Look out, I’ll find it.  And I’ll research the poop out of it.  Yes I will.  I have researched more self-help books than you can count.  Books on how to lose weight, exercise, be more spiritual, be more of a freethinker, be less of a worrier (ie freakazoid), be more assertive, make more friends, declutter my living space, parent my children, self-diagnose various diseases I might have, diagnose psychological problems I definitely have, manage my finances, manage my husband, eliminate stress, and, of course, simplify my life.

My latest quest, as you know if you read that post that made me, like, famous for 24 hours or so until people realized who I really was, was to lose weight.  This did not go well.  I didn’t lose any weight.  I sort of came up with some new probably good habits.  But no weight loss.  So then I wrote my Big Fat Manifesto, in which I griped about how people hate fat people and it’s really not fair when there are so many other reasons to hate people, like that they’re assholes.  I conveniently left you a link to that too, because I like it when WordPress asks me permission to link to my own stuff.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what my new quest is now.  In the last post mentioned, I said I wanted to get healthier.  I think I might know the way to do it.  I’ve been heavily influenced by my reading, as usual.  One thing I read was this book called Sloth by Wendy Wasserstein.  It’s part of this series on the seven deadly sins, only Wendy actually advocates for sloth.  Sure, it’s satirical, but like all satire it holds a grain of truth.  Sometimes what we need to do most is absolutely nothing.

This is a great book and short too - woot.

This book has the Official Alice Seal Of Approval

I’ve mentioned before that I’m sort of lazy.  That’s true and not true.  While my body often is not off the couch, my mind is always running.  I have the thinnest brain ever, next to Ana Steele.  Basically, I am both Sad Pony AND Squirrel, which I guess means I am sort of dating Miss Four Eyes.  Awesome.  Anyway, this book gives you permission to do nothing, and is written as if it is the next great self-help book.  You know what?  It think it is.

My favorite movie of all time is called Office Space.  It was released in 1999, so you might not remember it, but it is still awesome.  When I first watched it, I was working for a boss from Hades, so I really identified with the main character, Peter.  He works for this mind numbing corporation.  His boss treats him like crap, his girlfriend treats him like crap, his job is killing him slowly, and he thinks each day is the worst day of his life.  Until he happens to go to a shrink who puts him under hypnosis before collapsing from a a heart attack.  Peter stays in this hypnosis, completely relaxed, without a care in the world.  What happens afterward is my favorite part.

Instead of working on the weekend, he sleeps most of the day, ignoring calls from his boss and girlfriend.  Finally he gets up, happy and refreshed.  When the girlfriend calls again, he picks up the phone, glances at it, presses the off button, and goes about his business.  There is something about that scene that resonates with me.  Here is a situation that just the day before would have had his stomach in knots, yet now, in his relaxed state, he says pfft, and turns the bitchy girlfriend off.

Hey, Commissioner Gordon, bite me.

Hey, Commissioner Gordon, bite me.

And that’s not all.  He goes to work.  The same crap happens, only now he’s relaxed and at ease so none of it gets to him.  I want that hypnosis.  Of course, in real life, that’s not how hypnosis works.  But I think we can still get it, if we let ourselves go, and give ourselves a break.  Sometimes, it is so nice to simply just be, and those moments are so few.  So that’s what I’m trying to do now.  I’m embracing my inner hippie sloth – check out the link for a review on an awful kid’s show.  I know, I’m on a roll here!

I’ve started doing Yoga with a DVD.  I know, me, of all people.  But I like the breathing part.  The very best pose is one that looks suspiciously like lying flat on your back, but don’t be fooled!  This is Yoga, you guyz, and I am getting all spiritual and calm and crap.  There’s a lot of stretching and turning this way and that and sometimes I just stop and go “Pfft, she’s kidding, right?  Legs don’t go that way.”  But mostly I like it.  Who knows?  Maybe I might accidentally lose some weight, or possibly my asthma will improve, or at least I’ll get to take naps on a mat like in kindergarten.  It’s all good.

So I’m working on just going with the flow.  Maybe I’ll eat an apple.  Or maybe I’ll have a milkshake.  Maybe I’ll go for a walk.  Maybe I’ll nap. There are endless possibilities on this new path.  Reflecting this change in my quest, you might see changes on this blog.  I might post a blog post next week.  I might post three.  I might post none.  I might post two in one day.  There might be more one word posts (that got me the most hits in weeks).  I might not use so many pictures.  I might only use pictures.  I might have guest bloggers come do my dirty work.  You just never know.  Isn’t that exciting?  Where are you going?  Ah, well.

Namaste.

I lose five pounds every morning . . .

When I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response.  Obviously the WP editor knew what she was doing – this is a topic that most people deal with at some point.  Except those teeny, tiny people who have to “struggle” to reach 100 pounds when they are pregnant.  I knew a woman like this.  Luckily for her, she was honestly a very sweet lady, otherwise she might have ended up a teeny, tiny pancake.

Anyway, this was a good and bad thing.  Good in that, hey, look at all the cool people who showed up and took the time to leave interesting and thoughtful comments.  Bad in that, oh crap, now I have to actually stick with this?  Well, maybe not that bad.  I mean, losing weight is a good thing, unless you’re anorexic, then stop, please. The messages we send people, especially women, about weight are just so wrong, but that’s another issue entirely.

Because I do actually need to lose a little.  I’m practical about it.  I know I’m never going to be the size I was before having the Things.  Growing people inside your body shockingly seems to be a real body changer.  I mean, who knew, right?  Even if you do get back in perfect shape, you’ve got all that leftover skin just hangin’ out there.  People like to call them “muffin tops” cause the skin pops out over your jeans like a . . . muffins sound good.  Really good.  Wait.  Here’s an awesome video to take your mind off of muffins.  Especially chocolate ones.

Anyway, part of my quest involves me weighing myself.  I try to avoid this in the same way I try to avoid checking my bank account balance.  It doesn’t change the balance, but you don’t have to feel all sadfaced that way.  But Superbetter says you should weigh yourself.  Bite me, Superbetter.

So I got a scale with a digital readout, because it turns out I couldn’t read the other dusty scale I had without my glasses on and good grief I’m old.  This digital scale is so awesome; it measures even tenths of a pound.  This turns out to be not such a good thing, as I’m trying anything to shave off even bits of pound.  Like weighing myself with as few clothes as possible, first thing in the morning, after bathroom activities.  That’s what Superbetter tells you to do, so that you don’t get all those weird weight fluctuations.

And if you’ve ever weighed yourself throughout the day (as I stupidly did because I am somewhat OCD) you understand why.  It turns out that you can gain and lose as much as five freaking pounds over the course of a day, what with drinking, eating, going potty, eating some more, storing up gas like the Hindenburg, etc.  What the heck is with that?  As if I’m not confused enough?

Anyway, I said my Epic Win was to lose five pounds.  If I wanted to, I could technically say I do that every single day.  First thing in the morning.  The problem is that I lose the same five pounds every single day and then gain them back by nightfall.  Which means I’m pretty much back where I started.  Every single day.  Does this sound familiar?

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

On the plus side, at least I haven’t gained any weight.  I don’t think.  Another thing you are supposed to do is record your weight, but I forget to record the number and then I forget exactly what it was later.  If I’m losing .005 pounds, then I want Superbetter to know this, darn it, because I deserve a Pokemon Power Up.

Yet this blog requires honesty.  No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I could make crap up and none of you would ever know.  It’s not like I’m showing you body shots.  But what would be the point of lying?  So I’m being up front here.  I have made some changes.  I bought food with more fiber in it, and sometimes I remember to eat it.  I haven’t totally shaken the sugary cola thing, but I don’t drink as much of it.  I mostly try to drink diet, which they say increases your sugar cravings, but I’m not sure how I would tell this as I am a sugar fiend anyway.  I don’t like diet as much, therefore, there isn’t as much soda consumption.  I’m trying to increase the amount of water I drink.  If it’s cold, it’s not so bad.

I am walking more, or at least being more mindful about it.  I take the stairs, not the elevator.  I work on the second floor of a university library, which means I must trudge up stairs and across a very large floor to get to my office.  The bathroom happens to be on the other side of this floor, or, if I wish, I can trudge down stairs to go to the staff only restroom.  Either way, I’m getting pee exercise.  I have to do this a lot (see babies change your body above) so yay, exercise.  No more elevator unless I’m truly desperate.  It helps that my boss got trapped in this elevator for over an hour one day.  Seriously.

I haven’t made it to the gym in months.  But I’m thinking about it.  And it turns out that thinking is pretty important because thinking can lead to doing, at least better than not thinking about it can.  For some reason this reminds me of a Yoda quote.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.

I’m trying, which hopefully will lead to doing.  This is a slow process, a quest that takes me inch by inch.  But I’m not “doing not” which means eventually, with some work, I will do.  I hope you all will stay along for the journey.

So you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole . . .

Hi, ho, it’s Kermit the Frog.  I mean Alice.  Sorry to disappoint.  I wanted to welcome all my new readers.  Hey.  Come back!  Where are you going?  There is some great stuff here, if I can just dig it out.  Wait, that’s a gum wrapper.  Hold on a sec.

When I found out I had gotten Freshly Pressed, I realized that my blog was a mess, so I did what I normally do when someone unexpected visits my house.  I shoved everything into closets.  See those categories on the right?  Closets.  There’s stuff in there, but I haven’t the faintest idea what.  There’s also categories up above.  I’m pretty sure you can find more about my somewhat unhealthy obsession with 50 Shades of Crap up there.  If you dare.  If you’re even more daring, you can look under the Children’s T.V. reviews, but I warn you.  Dora and Bob the Builder are there, and even worse, that scary freaking Cyclops cucumber from Yo Gabba Gabba.  Yeah, that’s a show.

The Village Monstersof Yo Gabba Gabba

The Village Monsters
of Yo Gabba Gabba

I have another closet entitled “My Mad Tea Party”.  That one’s safe.  I shoved all my friends and their blogs in there.  Check them out.  I’m certain I’ve left some off because I have ADHD which makes me

Anyway, you can also try checking the comments.  Anyone brave enough to comment here is worth checking out.  Also, anyone who comments is automatically enrolled in Smut University, where I am the one and only professor.  My class is 50 Shades Flunked, and we’re covering 50 Shades Freed.  I am fully qualified to teach because I have multiple degrees (no, seriously, I do).  The way to get ahead here is to comment (i.e. participation).  You can also try answering my questions, but your answers don’t actually have to be correct or anything.  There are many other students, though some of them may not realize they’re enrolled.  So like a real university, pretty much.

My students are a varied bunch.

My students are a varied bunch.

Usually my classes are on Mondays, but I’m a bit behind with the pressing business.  Also this real life of mine has been endlessly entertaining what with my husband getting pneumonia (making this 3 out of 4 family members who’ve had it), my mother having knee replacement surgery, and our plumbing exploding.  And I have a job, but don’t worry, I rarely let that get in the way.

I do plan on getting my lesson plans done as soon as possible.  Meaning as soon as I can stomach another chapter of the Dumb and the Brainless.  There’s a new feature I have planned as well, thanks to the success of my Epic Quest post.  I’m going to post on my weight loss quest on Wednesdays, since that’s the day you get over the hump (supposedly).  As far as other posts, I’m not sure.  I did ask for audience participation, which means you are free to suggest crap for me to cover.  Clearly I will do almost anything here.

In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.

In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.

I know there’s something I’m forgetting . . . oh, yes, Sad Pony and Squirrel.  You might be curious about those two.  You might be tempted to think they are just pictures of animals and not real but DON’T.  Ponies and Squirrels are very real, thanks very much.  I’m sure you’ve seen them.  Sad Pony is just another pony, only he’s sort of depressed.  Especially since people keep mistaking him for Eeyore, who is a depressed donkey, not a pony.  And Squirrel is somewhat hyper.  You’ve probably seen him racing across telephone wires on his way to another Squirrel kegger party up in your attic.

See.  He's a real pony.  Shun the disbelievers!

See. He’s a real pony. Shun the nonbelievers!

I'm up in your attic right now.

I’m up in your attic right now.

I guess that about covers it.  Well, it covers what I can think of at the moment.  Stay tuned, it will be interesting.  Or something.