Kentucky Fried Crisis!
Have you heard the news today? They say that danger’s come our way. It’s a real land of confusion alright, what with all those wars and famines and politicians, but today our old reliable Facebook News had some real news people care about, news to unite all walks of life.
Kentucky Fried Chicken has run out of chicken.
Yup, you heard right. Now this is happening in the U.K., not here, thank gawd, but what a terrifying prospect! So much so that it naturally made international news.
Our media sure savored this little news bite, alright.
A wing and a prayer! Get it? I guess I can see this appearing on CNN Money, since KFC is bound to be losing it’s chicken butt over this shortage, which is causing stores to close all over the U.K. But that’s not the only problem they face.
There are some super angry Brits over there. Observe.
There are some marvelous quotes in here. “It’s a chicken place, so they should have enough chicken,” says one boy. That’s so cute how kids think logic should apply to real life! Other people took to Twitter with their annoyance over having to drive to multiple locations to find chicken. Multiple locations. They do have other chicken places in the U.K. right? Or is this chicken just so filled with artery clogging goodness that our mother country is addicted?
If Brits act like this, you realize we in the U.S. are in deep, deep trouble. As one commenter said, “There would be rioting in the streets over here.” I don’t doubt it.
KFC is deeply apologetic for causing so many in the U.K. to go without the two of the most important food groups (salt and grease). Here’s a sign from one of the restaurants.
So just how did they run out of chicken? As the sign mentions, the chain just got a new supplier called DHL who promised to “re-write the rule book and set a new benchmark for delivering fresh products to KFC in a sustainable way”. Jolly good job, right oh, I say! DHL explained that “due to operational issues a number of deliveries in recent days have been incomplete or delayed.” Operational issues, eh? As in what type of operational issues? Is it because some employees are still teething? That does hurt. Or have employees been stealing the chicken for themselves? Shoving it down their pants and making a run for it? There is clearly more to this story than they are telling us, people.
I mean it is super hard to round up chickens, kill them, and dump their body parts in a truck and deliver them to 900 stores! But I wonder if this could have anything to do with their new spokesperson, Reba “Colonel” McEntire. I mean, she was the obvious pick for a new Colonel Sanders, what with the natural resemblance. But some people are not at all happy with this and have complained. No, really.
Because this is a feminist issue! Reba is the first female Colonel Sanders, ya’ll! Well, sort of! Because while some praise her for, as one article puts it, “shattering the grease-soaked napkin ceiling,” others are upset cause the colonel can’t just be a woman, but must be a woman pretending to be a man. So, like, the colonel is now transgender then? I thought he was an real life man who’s been dead for over 30 years, but apparently not. He’s a character. Or she. Or however the colonel chooses to identify, for chicken is fluid.
So I think the problem is clear. Colonel Reba here has taken all the chicken. Because feminism. But KFC will make things right, though it may be over a week. Hang tight. And as another commenter said, “Prayers”.
These are the Fruit Salads of Our Lives
Well, we just had Super Tuesday, and it looks like Hillary won 7 states out of 13 and Bernie won 4 states out of 13 and I realize 4 and 7 don’t equal 13 so I’m not sure what happened. Also Trump won 7 states, but never had more than 50 percent of the vote. Hard when there are still 5 candidates running, one of whom (lookin’ at you Ben-o!) didn’t register once. Also, I voted, but more on that on another post! Since we still don’t have any clue what’s going on in this most screwed up of elections ev-ah, I thought I’d just do a post in headlines I’ve been gathering up while recovering from my latest bout of plague (thanks Obama!)
The Washington post also has some great images (non-moving gifs!) and tweets, but Gawker had the best headline. Watch Chris Christie’s pained expressions as he stands trapped behind Donald Trump. Time to rethink life choices, Christie.
Zodiac Killer: 38 Percent of Florida Voters Think It Is Possible Ted Cruz Is Serial Killer, Poll Says
Sure the killings started in 1968, and Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, but, well, look at the guy. Do you blame them?
Get that you think they’re rapists? That you want to deport them and / or employ them? What do they “get” exactly?
Ben Carson’s Fruit Salad Makes the Internet Go Bananas
Ben says “the fruit salad of their life is what I will look at” when choosing a Supreme Court justice. I think that’s how we’re choosing president instead. Still it got a lot of amusing tweets including:
– My tell-all is going to be called the The Fruit Salad of Their Lives
-The Fruit Salad of Their Life is my favorite soap
and of course
– Make America Grape Again
You can’t make this crap up. Sorry, Ben, you’re really not important enough for a punch.
Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham Jokes About Gone Bat**** Crazy GOP: “Speaking at the Washington Press Club Foundation Dinner, Graham had the harshest words for Sen. Ted Cruz. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you,” he quipped.”
I’m thinking a lot of people don’t like Ted Cruz. Like EVERY ONE of his fellow senators who won’t endorse him, for instance.
Emancipation Proclamation: 20 Percent of Trump Supporters Do Not Support Executive Order, Poll Says
And another 17 percent “aren’t sure”. Just . . . I mean . . . what . . .why . . . next question.
Kevin Spacey: Actor Says ‘We Get What We Deserve’ About US Presidential Election
Speak for yourself, Kev! Pretty sure most of us do not deserve this.
Trump University: Donald Trump Could Be Called to Testify in Fraud Case, Court Filings Show
Trump? Fraud? No way!
Hillary Clinton: Candidate Says at Town Hall She’s ‘Not Sure’ Why Bernie Sanders Is Leading Youth Vote
Hint to Hillary: Find out.
Ben Carson: Republican Presidential Candidate Says President Obama Was ‘Raised White’
WTF does that even MEAN, Ben? Does Obama not have a good fruit salad?
Donald Trump: GOP Presidential Candidate Says He Wanted to ‘Punch’ Protester Who Disrupted Rally
Sometimes people think words instead of speak them, Donald. Still, if you can’t find the protester, you could always punch Ben. He wants to be attacked. Or Cruz. He’s just so darn punchable.
Note: I tried to find the headlines I’d picked off FB. When I couldn’t, I substituted links. Enjoy your fruit salad!
Facebook News with Alice: Rover Fights Back
There have been many shootings in the news lately, so much so that people seem to barely notice them. That’s pretty creepy. Here are some things I’ve learned via Facebook “trending” news. Don’t give a five-year-old a loaded rifle for his birthday. Don’t leave loaded guns around children. Don’t give loaded guns to stupid adults. And most importantly, don’t ever let Rover have a gun.
Yeah, that’s right, there have been several cases of dogs shooting their owners, two of them within weeks of each other. I’m not kidding here. You think it’s okay to give Rover store brand dog biscuits? Or leave him outside alone in a dog house with no Cable? Well it’s not. Rover isn’t taking it anymore. It’s time for dogs everywhere to fight back!
Dog Shoots Man: Brigham City Man Recovering From Gunshot Wound Caused By Pet
With a headline like that, you really have to check it out. Well I did, anyway. I was picturing Rover armed with a shotgun, forcing his owner to eat from a dish on the floor. Or better yet, you know those dogs they make sad commercials about because they are forced to fight one another for money? And they don’t even get a cut of it! Yes, I would like fighting dogs to get together, turn a gun on owners, and make them be the gladiators. I bet they could make a show out of it. I know I’d watch. They could put it on right after “Pitbulls and Paroles.”
It didn’t go quite like that. But it was still funny – I mean, such a shame for the stupid gun owner. See there was this hunter in Utah, and he was going duck hunting with a friend. And he shot the friend in the face. Wait, no, that was Dick Cheney. On the plus side, Huffington Post also referred to the story as “Dog “Cheneys” Owner” after the infamous case in which, yes, the Vice President of the United States accidentally unloaded birdshot into a campaign donor’s face. That’s a good way to repay your supporters! And you think Joe Biden has made some mishaps. Pretty sure while he often puts his foot in his mouth, he has never put birdshot in a supporter’s face.
But back to the dog! This hunter laid his shotgun on the bow of his boat. He got off and Rover, excited as always, hopped up on the bow, landing on the gun and causing it to shoot a burst of fire into the man’s posterior (that’s butt for anyone not in the know). Doctors later removed 27 pellets from his as . . . posterior. After I had finished laughing (hey the guy had the protection of waders and a lot of butt fat) I thought about this incident for a while. First off, why was the gun loaded before he was ready to fire it? Why didn’t it at least have a safety on it? I mean, sure, a cat’s gonna get around a safety – that’s just how those guys are designed. But not man’s best friend!
I can just imagine this case. Man bent over, yelling curse words while his pal, Rover, tries to help out by licking him and barking happily. This is one of the times I wish they’d actually gotten it on Youtube. I’m sure his human friend was sad not to have his camera phone ready.
But that’s not all folks!
Gregory Dale Lanier, Florida Man, Shot By Dog Wielding ‘Unloaded’ Pistol: Police
The article starts with “Bad Fido!” Hahaha, you gotta love how the news treats all stories seriously. This was again from the Huffington Post, although under “Crime” not “Weird News” like last time. I’m not sure why, because they have a heck of a lot more fun with it under the Crime label.
This time the man – his full name given, lucky guy – Gregory was traveling in his truck on his way to an elegant black tie event. I mean hunting. He had his gun sitting conveniently beside him. Once again, his dog (his name was totally Rover, not Fido, get it right Huffpost) jumped on the gun and shot the guy in the thigh. Just -really people. If you’re going to leave your gun loaded (and if you aren’t sure – check. Preferably when it is not aimed directly at you, a friend, the President, whatever.), for goodness sake’s restrain your dog in a properly installed car seat. Everyone will feel safer, though EMTs will not have nearly as much fun on their coffee break.
Huffpost reports “Police have ruled the shooting accidental and did not detain the dog for questioning. No word on whether Lanier gave him a treat when they returned home, however.” Accidental, they say? I don’t know about that. Maybe Rover had a grudge. Maybe he didn’t like hunting. Maybe the cat made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. You shouldn’t rule things out.
They also report on another incident, back in 2011, of dog with gun violence. Another man, Billy E. Brown, was shot in the thigh by his dog while driving to a hunting spot. I wonder if it was totally separate, or if we have a canine serial killer. Shockingly, many accidental shootings reportedly occur during hunting.
Just this September, another hunter, this one a French one (goes to show that French people are so not more sophisticated than we are) was shot by his gun when his dog tried to cuddle with him. This guy had to have his right hand amputated. That would put a damper on hunting, unless he’s a left hander. Or maybe they could do like in the sci-fi movies and just install a gun on the end of his arm. Best to be prepared, people.
At least the French guy was decent enough to excuse his pet, saying, and I quote “It wasn’t the dog’s fault.” Well, thank goodness, now we can forgo that lengthy trial, with Rover often wetting the witness seat and leaping onto the judge’s desk in excitement, only to knock the judge unconscious with his own mallet.
PUPPY SHOOTS FLORIDA MAN, DEPUTIES SAY
The worst case by far was of a man unable to find homes for his puppies back in 2004. So he took them to an animal shelter. Yeah, no, don’t be stupid. He decided the best thing would be to shoot the puppies.
Right, so he had one pup under his arm, and was holding another in his hand. In the opposite hand he had a gun. The puppy put its paw on the trigger of the .38 caliber revolver. Bang. Talk about the ultimate case of poetic justice there. Good job, puppy! The guy was shot in the wrist, but sadly only after four other puppies were killed. What a guy. Next time, puppy, think like Cheney. Go for the face.
By the way, I was interested to learn that there are many, many more cases of dogs shooting owners. I didn’t find any about cats, probably because they are smarter and don’t get caught.
The News According to Facebook
Before I start this post, I’d just like to say this new editor sucks. Seriously sucks. And now I can’t find where to go back to the old one anymore. WordPress, you suck. Where the hell is the old editor? If I see one more boop beep bop I’m gonna blow.
Okay, done – for now, saying this post even posts since it’s on this new stupid editor arghhhhhhhh.
Okay, so I don’t watch the news much because it is really depressing and stupid, and I get enough of that in real life. Also in fiction, seeing as authors, even kid authors, have decided to kill off main plot characters for funsies. Like, what the hell is that about authors? It’s not dramatic, it’s just being a jerk to your readers. I mean, sure, you gotta kill a few off but that’s what red shirts are for – you know, the guys on Star Trek that they took down on the away teams to alien planets who were not listed in the opening credits so you knew they were gonna die? Put in more of those guys. Fiction is for escape, not further punishment. Make a note. Try something funny for once, for God’s sake.
But back to the news, right, that’s what I was talking about. Because it’s way weirder than any fiction.
I only see news on Facebook since I’m on there chatting with people. Suffice it to say, it’s an even weirder way to get news since I”m only getting what Facebook considers trending news. It might be as bad as what Fox News considers trending. Speaking of Fox, number one trending news item today (I swear I’m not making up the order or anything here):
Rand Paul: Kentucky senator formally announces 2016 Presidential Run.
– Oh, goody. Is there some way I can just take a sleeping pill and wake up when the election is over? Cause it’s already getting painful. By the way, it’s Rand, not Ron his dad, though both are Libertarians disguised as Republicans and as we all know the Libertarian party is best represented by a unicorn, according to my other news source, blogger List of X. Still, he’s a better choice than Cruz who has a Hispanic name so boo-yah, the Repubs have a ethnic! Just kidding, he’s white.
Elmwood Park, New Jersey: 100 year old man killed wife with an ax in murder – suicide, officials say.
– Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of upon reading this headline was – wow, he can swing an ax at 100? That’s pretty darn impressive.
Burger King: Company to pay for wedding of man named Burger and woman named King.
– Yeah, really, this is what came after the murder-suicide. I wonder if the wedding will be catered with burgers and fries and officiated by that creepy Burger King mascot. I would love to go to that wedding.
Sebastian Inlet State Park: Photo purportedly shows bobcat dragging shark on Florida beach
No word on whether the bobcat is planning on a 2016 presidential run, but he has my vote.
And finally . . .
Marilyn Manson Musician reportedly hit in face after argument at Denny’s.
What happens at Denny’s, stays at Denny’s. Unless you are Marilyn Manson, who may also be planning a 2016 Presidential run. I wonder if he ordered the Grand Slam?
Okay enough news for today! Got any good stories of your own? Or a way out of this BLASTED EDITOR? Where’s a good bobcat when you need one?