Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race
What, another election? Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great. It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better. Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.
As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.
Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in. On Facebook. Of course.
Rapunzel had a good idea there. Popcorn makes almost everything better. I’m stocked in it for early next month. Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates. Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election. They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera. I mean it’s more efficient. Better than Twitter anyway. #twitterisforlosers
After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.
Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa. So many questions. How DID Hans get out of prison this time? Who is helping his campaign? How many scandals will surface? Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook? Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?
Stay tuned.
~Alice
Friend Me!
I just found out from Faith that my Alice Facebook page is still up, and possibly getting more action than my current page under my real name. This is not all that surprising considering I think I had more fans when I was also a squirrel and a sad pony on Facebook. Yes, I did these things. Shut up.
Anyway, I wanted to shut down the Alice page, but then I wasn’t sure HOW to, since I no longer remembered either my user name or my password and they want one of those. They also asked for names of friends (as collateral?) and I put some in, but they didn’t recognize them, so I guess you guys who know my secret identity do not exist? Or maybe you are in the Contact Security Program.
What AM I sharing with friends?
So I got desperate, found my page, and decided to Friend myself. Cause I could totally gain access to myself that way if Alice and I were friends.
Yeah that’s not how it works. That’s now how any of this works.
So for now Alice is still out there, should you care to visit. I no longer have any control over what she says, though, so try at your own risk.
Any ideas on how to get rid of an account you don’t know how to get into anymore?
Alice
P.S. Alice hasn’t friended me back. What a jerk.
Facebook News with Alice: Selfies and Shark Attacks
More late breaking news you guys, brought to you again by Facebook, my only source of news save a couple of bloggers who have been letting me know about stuff like the Republican presidential debates, led by Trump, who from brief glimpses at the TV, appears to be arguing with himself. I have not heard yet on the last one from Speaker 7 or List of X, so let us hope they decided to ignore this and are not still in drunken benders trying to forget it.
But right, back to my news. Before I told you guys about Alyssa Milano’s magical pumped breastmilk and how she was really angry that it was not allowed on the plane with the rest the milk that was still stored in her regular boobs. No word on whether airlines will start measuring the amount of liquid in boobs or other organs next. I guess that all depends on whether a terrorist manages to do something really amazing with it first. I’m sure Facebook will keep me informed.
Even the baby looks bored with this by now.
Alyssa is still in the news, yammering about how people won’t accept women breastfeeding, thus giving her excuse to publish lots of pictures of herself breastfeeding. Speaking of pictures, this next piece of news is about selfies! No, not selfies of Kermit with his new girlfriend. Though I also told you guys, via Facebook news, that Kermit and Miss Piggy had broken up, even though no one knew they were together, and they are both puppets. His new girlfriend is also a pig, in case you were wondering. And Kim Davis has already announced that she will not issue them a marriage license.
And before that we had a 100 year old man kill his wife with an ax and a senior citizen having quadruplets (they weren’t related to each other – I don’t think) so you may be wondering – what next, Alice? Here’s a hint.
A participant takes a “selfie” during the fifth bull-run of the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, northern Spain, on July 11, 2014. (Photo credit should read RAFA RIVAS/AFP/Getty Images)
Yup, this piece is about a report – yes an actual report – that says that more people were killed taking selfies (like the one above taken by a guy running from BULLS who survived but is in big trouble for making this, like, more dangerous?) than were killed in shark attacks in 2015. Several reputable internet news sources have picked up on this, including Yahoo News, but the story I chose comes from Mashable. According to Mashable, the dude who slipped off the Taj Mahal while taking a selfie (not American this time) was the 12th selfie related death this year. In comparison, there have been only 8 deaths from sharks.
Actual chart from Mashable (no I’m serious).
This made me wonder a few things. For one, how did they come up with the comparison? They are fairly different things. A selfie is a self-absorbed way for a person to take a picture, whereas sharks are sea animals with big, sharp teeth who rarely ever take photographs (they are reportedly shy). Would you compare these two any other way? For instance: Tourists like to take selfies. Sharks like to eat tourists. How many selfies can a tourist on a beach five miles from the ocean take before a shark traveling 60 miles per hour can eat them? Show your work.
I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those shark related deaths came from someone trying to take a selfie while riding a shark. Or jumping over one on water skis.
Anyone (or their *cough* friend) ever taken a selfie while doing something stupid? Anyone willing to admit it? Let me know in the comments below!
Alice
Facebook News with Alice: Kermit and Miss Piggy Break Up
I was on Facebook, once again trying to stay away from anything remotely important or relevant to the universe, when up comes this on Facebook News.
Kermit the Frog: Muppet Announces Split With Partner Miss Piggy Tuesday
Kermit: Someone help me she breaks into my house and watches me sleeep!
(photo stolen from Huffpo)
OMG. First it was announced that Will Smith and his wife were breaking up and peeps were crying until Will said, “No we totally aren’t breaking up cause she’s my queen – that’s what you told me to say, right, honey?” – and then everything was well in the world again. And then we hear about Muppets breaking up. This was a huge surprise because I didn’t even know they had an actual relationship. I sort of thought it was just light-hearted stalking and sexual harassment on the part of Miss Piggy since Kermit never did seem that interested in crossing the species boundary like she was. Not with so many other frogs in the sea.
Yet here it is – the end of a couple / ongoing court case. Some are speculating that this is a publicity stunt for their upcoming TV show. I’m not sure why they’d make a TV show since most of the Muppet movies lately have bombed (Hint: do not use that guy from How I Met Your Mother in any movie. He sucks.) If they want success, they should just head back to Sesame Street. Kermit could report the news like old times. Maybe they’d find love again. I hear Telly Monster (the one who used to be pathologically obsessed with television but that wasn’t cool since Sesame Street figured out they were a TV show, so now is pathologically obsessed with triangles) is single. So is Cookie Monster, though he might eat furniture. Or possibly Miss Piggy herself, since he is branching out his diet. And then there is Big Bird, but he still hasn’t been able to leave the nest, plus he has the mind of a six-year-old and imagined his friend so hard that everyone else got to see him too (Snuffaluffagus could be a candidate on the other hand).
Piggy and Kermit? No beepin’ wayyy bird!
You might be wondering why I am reporting on this news since it was announced yesterday already and everyone is is anyone already knew about it. It certainly has nothing to do with me dragging my feet on my Disney Hunger Games story. It really is happening – we have the gruesome pictures for you and everything (cleaned up for families cause this is Disney). But there was the problem of bad lighting, leaves, and laziness. Don’t you worry three or four fans of mine, you’ll soon see who gets axed – er – who bites the big one first. You will also have the opportunity to send aid to your favorite characters, just like in the real Hunger Games. You know like water, or forest animals, or an all powerful genie, whatever. You just can’t miss this stuff! Heck, maybe Miss Piggy will make an appearance. You know what an attention hog she is.
Well that’s all I have for now. Be sure to read the article – and the comments – on the Huffpo article I linked to because as usual, the comments section is more amusing than the article. Especially the people who argue with people that Kermit and Piggy are Muppets and how stupid are they that they don’t realize this news is fake, huh? Fat lot they know. Kermit and Piggy are totally real. I grew up with them on my television set. Everything on television is real.
I feel like some bacon now.
Alice
Facebook News with Alice: How Many Babies Can You FIt Inside a Senior Citizen?
I have to say, guys, I am on a roll here with this Facebook news. All this time I had no idea some of this news was even happening, since I seem to keep missing TLC’s weird shows in the line up. I’m always in time for the wedding shows. How many times can they talk about a wedding dress? There’s not much humor there. Oh, look, today we have some moron with more money than sense (or with parents who qualify) taking an entourage of people with her to find a dress for her wedding day. And the dresses MUST start at like 10,000 dollars or you might as well wear a garbage bag. And it’s important to have both the dress shop owners AND your family members repeatedly insult you about your choices – like an episode of Maury only with more fashion. This is not at all like what happened on the last 1,000 episodes.
Dress: 1 bazillion dollars
Credit Card Bill: Priceless
And since this is obviously so fascinating, TLC must have dozens of shows about the exact same thing – wedding dresses. And then they must show them in a marathon. Until your brain bleeds. Really, TLC, I have more important stuff to watch. Like shows about the lady with Freddie Krueger nails and the eternal Santa Claus looking for love. Or all those zany mishaps ending people up in the ER. Or the baby powder snorters. And of course there are the baby-making shows. Either shows about who can pop out the most kids, how many babies they can fit inside them at one time like a gumball machine, what size those kids are (if you can do it with average size adults, it can be done with little people too), how the kid was born in a forest or a car or on the sidewalk beside a daycare (all true), or how people can have twins without even knowing they are pregnant. I’m not sure if the one about the mom and her teen being preggers at the same time is still on, but it wouldn’t surprise me.
Speaking of fascinating births, we have our latest bit of Facebook news, and it is totally blowing Alyssa and her breastmilk out of the water, er plane.
Pregnancy Over 50: 65-year-old Berlin Schoolteacher Pregnant with Quadruplets
Wow. What can I say except – hey, Americans, you are totally letting us down here. We have to go to Berlin to find someone this whacked out crazy. I mean getting pregnant with quads is weird enough, but when you’re eligible for social security? And you already have 13 children, the oldest of which is 44 and too old for having babies herself?
No problem, I feel like I’m 55 again!
I try to peer into the mind of someone like this. Why would you want another baby at that age? She has 7 grandchildren. Those are the best. Take ’em for a while, give them loud, obnoxious toys and fill them with sweets, then send the home. Yet she wants more of her own. Couldn’t she like, adopt some puppies? People don’t frown if you occasionally put those in a kennel. Or baby dolls! They have lifelike ones and I’ve seen some people on TLC who drag them along in real strollers like actual children which is whack, but not as whack as four real babies at 65. Saying they all survive. There seems to be a contest for people to have the most babies at one time so they can score reality shows and stock in Huggies. But the thing is, we aren’t dogs. We’re people. We’re not actually meant to have litters. Technically, even a twin pregnancy is high risk. So – someone needs to take away this lady’s access to baby-making tools before she and all her children are in diapers together.
There were a lot of comments on this article. Some say she is selfish since she’ll probably die and leave the babies without an insane mother. I say she wants her 15 minutes of fame. And guess what? She’s got it! If she can just toast those babies a few more months in there, she could get a reality show for sure. Move over Kate plus 8. We’ve got Geriatrics plus 17. Three more and she could outdo Michelle Duggar, who only has 19 of the little buggers. Maybe she could get married too – she’d need a wedding dress! And if she married a little person, our story would be complete. As long as they make sure she has the quads out in the woods or something.
This is Alice, your Facebook reporter, signing off.
Facebook News with Alice: Alyssa Milano and the case of the stolen breast milk
I was chatting with my old pal Merbear and her hubs when Mer noticed another IMPORTANT NEWS ARTICLE on Facebook. Apparently Alyssa Milano was getting on an airplane and someone confiscated her breastmilk. OMG. STOP THE PRESSES. This is Alyssa Milano, people, and clearly they did not recognize that she was, HELLO, on that show with the witches that lasted like dozens of seasons somehow AND “Who’s the Boss” back in the 1980s. I remember the episode where she picked out her first training bra with a pink bow. And now here we are, coming full circle back to the boobs.
Just WAIT till Twitter is invented, Dad.
And there are several boobs here, as you’ll soon see. Now I’m not going into a breast vs bottle debate or breastfeeding in public or any of those other first world problems we have going on around here cause I like to keep this a lactivist-free zone. I’m also not arguing that it was not incredibly moronic to take breast milk, even if the rules do say take away liquids cause once a terrorist once tried to use liquid to blow up a plane. I mean, it’s breast milk, and I highly doubt it carries explosives. If so, I have to say I’d be very impressed and much more keen to call breastfeeding a true “super power”.
I don’t know the exact airport guidelines for liquids anymore, and I didn’t want to look it up, especially since a lot of airline personnel also don’t really get the guidelines either. They’re just doing their jobs, which, like most jobs, make no common sense. I mean, it’s not like terrorists get together in little conventions every few months and share their tips and strategies.
Todd, I’m tellin’ ya, put the stuff in breast milk. They’ll never suspect!
Terrorist One: Hey, man, I heard this dude hid a razor in his shoe and hijacked an airline.
Terrorist Two: Cool stuff. Let’s do that from now on. They will never suspect a thing!
Still, we take our shoes off at the airport because, well, maybe some terrorists really are that stupid and by golly, we are going to catch them. As well as a lot of irritated people just trying to make their flights, like say little boys whose names happen to be on the no-fly list.
But that’s the thing – it’s an irritation. The truth is that we really don’t know how to fully prevent terrorists cause they tend to change their strategies like the little sneaks they are, but people want you to do something, so you do what you know. And it bugs people. But it has yet, to my knowledge, caused anyone to say starve to death or go without medical care.
Whoops, did I forget Alyssa? God forbid. Now I don’t blame her for being ticked that someone took her special milk. I mean, she pumped that stuff from her own bod, and it was for her bay-bee and they just, like took it. That bites. I could see writing a nasty letter to the airport. Or griping about it to friends. Starting a twitter campaign that is then picked up by SEVERAL media outlets . . . not so much.
It’s only a matter of time before baby is on twitter too.
My friends and I pondered in our hearts about Alyssa’s problem. First off, we admitted that we had no idea she even had a baby – talk about OUT OF THE LOOP. We worried for poor Alyssa’s baby. It’s not like Alyssa can make more of that stuff, like it just comes right out of her boobs or . . . wait. But that’s not the point. The point is that Alyssa Milano’s breast milk is a special commodity, probably made from sparkly unicorn dust. Which means they likely didn’t use it as creamer in the tea or coffee they offer. I bet they sold it on Ebay! You know someone would buy it. But only with a certificate of authenticity. When you buy actress breastmilk, you want to make sure it’s gonna make your baby spoiled, entitled, and rich. What if, say, you got Lady Gaga’s milk instead? I shudder to think of it.
Here’s a snippet from an actual article from USA Today:
The actress, who is mom to son Milo Thomas, 3, and 7-month-old daughter Elizabella Dylan, tweeted that 10 ounces of her breast milk had been confiscated. “Gone,” she said. “Not okay.”
And even worse, apparently it was thrown away.
OMG the HORROR. So they didn’t sell it on Ebay. What a waste. Poor Elizabella. She’s already confused about her name, now her food’s gone. Another article stated:
Alyssa Milano: The airport took my breast milk.
Am I the only one who thought of that movie line? Dingos ate mah ba-by! Now that’s some news right there. If dingos got Alyssa’s baby, I would be very concerned. Especially if she was on an airline at the time. Maybe the airports should stop playing with breast milk, and start keeping an eye out for dingos.
Cause you just never know what could be the next trending news.
The News According to Facebook
Before I start this post, I’d just like to say this new editor sucks. Seriously sucks. And now I can’t find where to go back to the old one anymore. WordPress, you suck. Where the hell is the old editor? If I see one more boop beep bop I’m gonna blow.
Okay, done – for now, saying this post even posts since it’s on this new stupid editor arghhhhhhhh.
Okay, so I don’t watch the news much because it is really depressing and stupid, and I get enough of that in real life. Also in fiction, seeing as authors, even kid authors, have decided to kill off main plot characters for funsies. Like, what the hell is that about authors? It’s not dramatic, it’s just being a jerk to your readers. I mean, sure, you gotta kill a few off but that’s what red shirts are for – you know, the guys on Star Trek that they took down on the away teams to alien planets who were not listed in the opening credits so you knew they were gonna die? Put in more of those guys. Fiction is for escape, not further punishment. Make a note. Try something funny for once, for God’s sake.
Yes, I own this shirt.
But back to the news, right, that’s what I was talking about. Because it’s way weirder than any fiction.
I only see news on Facebook since I’m on there chatting with people. Suffice it to say, it’s an even weirder way to get news since I”m only getting what Facebook considers trending news. It might be as bad as what Fox News considers trending. Speaking of Fox, number one trending news item today (I swear I’m not making up the order or anything here):
Facebook news, now with more Cookie Monster
Rand Paul: Kentucky senator formally announces 2016 Presidential Run.
– Oh, goody. Is there some way I can just take a sleeping pill and wake up when the election is over? Cause it’s already getting painful. By the way, it’s Rand, not Ron his dad, though both are Libertarians disguised as Republicans and as we all know the Libertarian party is best represented by a unicorn, according to my other news source, blogger List of X. Still, he’s a better choice than Cruz who has a Hispanic name so boo-yah, the Repubs have a ethnic! Just kidding, he’s white.
Elmwood Park, New Jersey: 100 year old man killed wife with an ax in murder – suicide, officials say.
– Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of upon reading this headline was – wow, he can swing an ax at 100? That’s pretty darn impressive.
Burger King: Company to pay for wedding of man named Burger and woman named King.
– Yeah, really, this is what came after the murder-suicide. I wonder if the wedding will be catered with burgers and fries and officiated by that creepy Burger King mascot. I would love to go to that wedding.
I’m available for baptisms too!
Sebastian Inlet State Park: Photo purportedly shows bobcat dragging shark on Florida beach
No word on whether the bobcat is planning on a 2016 presidential run, but he has my vote.
And finally . . .
Marilyn Manson Musician reportedly hit in face after argument at Denny’s.
What happens at Denny’s, stays at Denny’s. Unless you are Marilyn Manson, who may also be planning a 2016 Presidential run. I wonder if he ordered the Grand Slam?
Okay enough news for today! Got any good stories of your own? Or a way out of this BLASTED EDITOR? Where’s a good bobcat when you need one?
My Morning on Facebook
My friends Twindaddy and Merbear and I often have Facebook conversations in the morning because we are productive that way. These conversations tend to go off on tangents. I thought I’d give a brief rundown of our topics so you can know how insane we all are.
Topic One: Racist Bread
This all started with the innocent mention of a sandwich on white bread and devolved from there. News flash: Wonderbread is Aryan. Rye, Wheat, Italian, French, Potato – no bread was safe from our discussion.
Once you go pumpernickel, you never go back.
Topic Two: Holy Roller Movies
“God is Not Dead” is in theaters, but surprisingly does not star Kirk Cameron, who used to be cute and in Tiger Beat but is now a pscyho fundamentalist who talks about bananas. Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules, DOES star in the movie, as a professor. The professor in Gilligan’s island was kind of cute, but Gilligan was not. Twindaddy disappeared during this conversation so we wondered if we smelled which led to . . .
Topic Three: Deodorant
We discussed our brands of Deodorant, (I wear Lady Mitchum but Merbear is all Secret about hers) and I found this charming retro ad.
Dumb lady does not know she smells. Like your beauty will save you over your B.O.!
And we wondered why men were not so concerned about underarm b.o, and twindaddy said he was concerned, so I found this other ad.
For the man who wants to smell like kitchen cleanser.
We’ve decided that Twindaddy should use this stuff. Women will think he’s concealing 7-up under his pits and go wild.
Topic Four: Alice needs a post
And I had this bright idea! Don’t like it? Well, smell me.
Alice
2013: A Year of living Alicely
Last year I did my own overview, complete with link drops to my own posts. Because no matter the year, I am still narcissistic. I vow to be more so in the new year. Blogging is also an interesting insight into what was going on in my life during 2013. Clearly not much, because I posted a lot, like enough times to fill more of those opera houses.
Note: I am so lazy, I didn’t even Link Drop.
Anyway, here we go:
January
I started off the year in the middle of covering Fifty Shades Freed, the final (for the love of God) book in the 50 Shades series. Only I called it Fifty Shades Flunked, because the one part of teaching I kind of liked was giving people Fs, and I got to do that a lot with E.L. James. I also had an online classroom of students, many of whom did not realize they were enrolled. So they mostly didn’t notice when I quit teaching partly through the book.
That stick man falling into the black hole was a pretty good description of our class.
Next came the Freshly Pressed nod, which happened right after my washing machine exploded. I can’t express how happy I am that the one post that was pressed was one that featured the word “crap” in the title, and was about, of all things, my quest to get healthier. I joined a gym, and if you’ve ever seen Sport Goofy, you get the idea of how successful this was.
Pro: Gym has equipment
Con: Gym has people
February
50 Shades coverage continues. To counteract the nausea, I try exercise and like all things, I do this in moderation. I review almost every exercise video out there, even the whacked out 80s ones and the frightening Jillian Godzilla Michaels.
Get thee behind me!!!
Still overwhelmed, I took a blog break and went on Carnival Cruise lines for a three-hour-tour. Not really, but it made a good post. A stormtrooper visited Wonderland and shot up the place. The Things and I made up a TV show with a mutated creature named “Mutey and Friends”.
This is going to be picked up by PBS any day now!
March
50 Shades coverage IS STILL GOING. I decide exercise is too much work and try yoga. Writing posts is also work, so I write my first one word post and get more comments on this than most of my actual posts. I goof up both the origin of both Easter and St Patrick’s Day. I decide to quit Facebook no really I mean it this time.
Not that I’m desperate but . . . BE MY FRIEND!!!!!
April
I first notice my Dragon Tales blog stalkers. I am called a “farthead” by one. I get obsessed with yoga and frightened by a panting girl on a video. I finally FINALLY finished 50 Shades and could only utter “Mmmbop.”
You’re welcome.
May
50 Shades is gone and I have nothing to write about, but this doesn’t stop me. I remind people of my birthday coming up and await all the celebratory blog posts. The Fruitcake Award is created and passed around several blogs cause no one wants that thing. More yoga posts. My collection of yoga bling adds up.
Look, Ma, I made it myself!
June
I meet my Wonder Twin, merbear, and we discover a love of making fun of stupid retro ads. Also the sound of our own voices. We riff on ads about magical brushes and laxatives. The Things turn nine and thirteen. We have a lockdown at work because the stupidest crooks of all time pretend to rob a Subway. A squirrel and a depressed pony get Facebook accounts. I find out yoga is of the devil.
Just . . . wow.
July
I get sick a lot (surprise!). Crazed “Christians” swarm my college campus. I declare that I am my own cool table. I start reviewing songs, starting with the “Chipper Cheatin’ Songs”. I tell people what not to name their baby, figuring I’ll tick some people off – instead it’s one of my most viewed posts. Merbear and I find out new uses for Lysol. The anti-awards arrive. I continue my parody of 50 Shades with our heroine Bambi.
These are still available for those people on your list. Take one today!
August
Merbear and I start the Wonder Twins retro blog. Merbear does a lot of the work because yet another of my alternate identities, Mary Alice, apparently falls down a bottle. I talk about murdering virtual people – it is another of my most popular posts, you sickos. Boppo the death clown is born and continues to die horrible deaths in the Sims. Sparky the Wonder Blogger arrives to terrorize us all and my followers become sparkleponys. List of X tells us way too much about Miley Cyrus and twerking.
Sparky the Won-der Blog-ger
September
The Things and I glob glitter on a My Little Pony and actually get people to compete for it in a Sparklepony contest! People had to be as obnoxious in their posts as possible – no surprise this is not a problem for my followers. Evil Squirrel “wins” the monstrosity pony and she travels to his home and falls in love with his Rainbow Donkey (knitted by a blogger) and has babies: (knitted by another blogger). Yes, we are all adults.
A contest based on this.
October
I suffer the Sadz and a small nervous breakdown, but continue to write anyway. Halloween is dissected, another birth story is told, and I describe the game of Life – turns out all of these are of the devil.
Reports about me have been greatly exaggerated. I thought Alice was a pillow.
November
I start reviewing fairy tales – I mean to get back to this in the New Year with the Little Mermaid, that fishy brat. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and that freak Peter Pan have already gotten the Alice treatment. My Thanksgiving post is a Black Friday Thursday post, because that’s what the real holiday is, right? Yay!
Realism in fairy tales.
December
I spend the entire month griping about Christmas. I discuss the scariness of Santa, write a love letter to George Michael, and discover from Fox News that Santa and Jesus are white. Holiday Paul is offered as a Santa substitute. I get obsessed with a virtual farm. What happened to that exercise and yoga stuff? Hang on, I gotta milk my pretend cows!
No, kids, really – Santa is totally white.
So that’s my year. Did you guys have a good 2013? Are you glad it’s over? Got any News Years resolutions you plan to immediately break? Let me know. And thanks for reading.
Alice
aliceatwonderland 