Tag Archives: facepalm

Lockdown, Shakedown, Breakdown!

This just in from the “I swear I’m not making this crap up” files.  Earlier this week, we had a rather exciting afternoon at Small Town University.  About half past three, a warning scrolled across the bottom of my computer screen that said “lock down lock down, shelter in place, lock doors classroom/offices.”  Apparently there had been a robbery at a nearby fast food place by a  suspect described as a black male with “heavy set silver short white shirt.”

This isn't as much fun when you're still inside the building.

This isn’t as much fun when you’re still inside the building.

Huh.  Well, this was different.  When I stepped outside my office this same warning was blaring across the speakers they’d managed to fix since the evacuation drill when half the staff didn’t hear the alarm. Also a strobe light was flashing.  We figured out to get the flashing light when we accidentally forgot a hearing impaired employee in the building during another drill.  Now we’ll only have to drag out an epileptic patron.  Progress!

We had already practiced the fire drill (that was the one where we forgot an employee) and had been mostly successful (except that one little detail).  We’d managed to annoy the students who were forced to take their headphones out of their ears and pack up their laptops and move their bodies elsewhere.  I wonder if they would move even if there were a real fire.  Probably they’d have to make sure their angry birds took out all the green pigs first.

We've still got time - the flames aren't quite to the computer lab yet.

We’ve still got time – the flames aren’t quite to the computer lab yet.

We’d also practiced the evacuation drill, to the annoyance of not only the students but the entire town.  We hadn’t warned them we were going to do this, see, because criminals are always nice enough to warn you that next week on Thursday at 4 pm they are going to set a bomb in your building so do mark that in your day planners.  Anyway, people were a little weirded out to see the entire campus leave at the same time.  In an orderly fashion.  I’m just kidding, it was a total gridlock.  Supposedly, the campus shuttle was going to transport people to cars that were parked miles away.  I saw a lot of students wandering around blindly, yammering to each other and stepping in front of cars without looking.  You know, the usual.  But no shuttle.  Oopsies.

The news had a field day with this. They managed to interview quite possibly the two dopiest students on campus who fretted “We was scared and they didn’t tell us nothin’.”  Education at its finest – you can find it here, folks.

Now this is what happened when staff had warning that the drill would take place.  This was not a drill, but an actual emergency so naturally no one knew what to do.  We didn’t even understand what it meant.  I kept reading the warning as saying the suspect had a heavy set silver short white shirt.  So he had a short heavy shirt?  That was silver and white?  Wait, what?  The fast food place the suspect had robbed was located directly across from the university – in fact, the part of the university where the campus police is located.

Not this Police.  The campus police.  This might have been another excuse to show Sting.

Not this Police. The campus police. This might have been another excuse to show Sting.

So we knew there was some guy who robbed a fast food place, but not whether he had transportation or say, a gun.  Or where he was.  Or what we were supposed to do about it.  The students kept firing their birds at the pigs while the alarm repeated itself again and again.  My boss, coworker and I went downstairs to see if anyone else knew what was going on.  The office staff said to take cover in a room and lock the door.  So we went upstairs.  Then it occurred to us that there were patrons out there.  What were we supposed to do with them?  They wouldn’t know what was going on until the gunman actually had a gun directly against their skulls and then they’d say “Five more minutes, I’ve almost got the last pig.”

A call downstairs told us that, no, we didn’t have to go take cover, we just had to lock the outside doors of the library so no one could get in.  Or get out.  Hooray.  Now I had started out the day with my typical anxiety that was now notched up to about 50 what with not knowing what was going on and the constant reminder from the speakers to lock down, lock down, lock down, lock down already!  I started hearing that song from Beverly Hills Cop in my head – shakedown, breakdown . . . breakdown, breakdown, breakdown!

Remember, the library is always a safe place.

Remember, the library is always a safe place.

I texted my husband that there was a robber on the loose and the whole university was locked down.  He replied to my urgent message with “k”.  Yup.  “K”.  Now saying said gunman had actually managed to get into the library (the only reason I can think for most people to willingly go into the library would be to take cover from police) his last words, er word, not even a word, was “k”.  He couldn’t even say “Okay”.  Thanks, honey.  Glad romance is DEAD.

Now I’m really hyped up.  Every ten minutes we get that alert to lock down.  As if everyone trapped on campus has not freaking heard it by now since none of us can LEAVE.  This goes on for almost an hour and a half –until ten till closing when they finally announce the “All Clear.  Resume Normal Activities.”  Whatever they hell that might be.  We were just thrilled we got to go home.  But what about this gunman?  Haha, it gets even better, guyz.

My life is suddenly reading like a plot device in 50 Shades of Grey.

My life is suddenly reading like a plot device in 50 Shades of Grey.

First we found out the gunman wasn’t in the restaurant.  He wasn’t armed either.  He just knocked over an female employee leaving the place, took some money, and ran.  This has to be the stupidest idea ever.  We’re talking about a tall, African American man in a town that is mostly white, robbing a woman in broad daylight across from the police station and then trying to escape on foot.  What kind of moron would do that?

The same kind of moron who would decide to cover up a shortage at the register by staging a robbery, which is what happened.  The girl, the robber, and another genius involved were all employees of the store and figured that instead of admitting there wasn’t enough money in the drawer, they’d just pretend the money was taken and no one would ever figure it out.  Brilliant plan, Einsteins.  So, in summary, because of three bozos we, for an hour and a half, locked down an entire college campus, had a helicopter flying overhead, had cops search through each building on campus in a painstaking manner, and freaked the hell out of hundreds of people.

Just another day at the library.

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Eighteen

Chapter eighteen.  We made it.  Only four more to go . . . wtf?  There are 25 chapters in this one?  What?  Why?  When did this happen?  Did she just add these?  This book is a self-contained freaking Wonderland.  Just – honestly, what is left to say?  I can’t imagine.  What could possibly happen to Ana and Christian next?  Do you think they will A) have sex B) have sex or C) have sex or D) have some more fucking sex!!!
Oooh, this is the part where they have sex in the wood chipper!

Oooh, this is the part where they have sex in the wood chipper!

You know, I just realized something.  They should hand out these books at those Sex Addict Anonymous meetings.  I swear to you, reading these stupid sex scenes could almost make you promise to be celibate the rest of your life.  How some women get turned on by them I don’t . . . it doesn’t compute.

Whatever.  Last time, I asked the burning STD question “In the next chapter . . .(A). Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral. (B). While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby. (C). For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!”  For all of you who guessed C . . . close, but no banana.  Even that visual . . . I . . . anyway, it was wrong.  So was (A).  Ana’s dad doesn’t die, but I don’t rule out them having sex in or on a coffin at some point in the future.

Even dead they'd probably email each other.

Even dead they’d probably email each other.

Ruby suggested a new point deduction for James when she mentions TV, books, or music we like.  “The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage.  Extra 50 point deduction right there.”   On it, Ruby!

Ana wakes up at the Heathman and we get this fascinating exchange.  “Good morning, Ana,” he whispers.  “Hi,” I mutter.  “Hi,” he replies.  Okay, so there were a few other words in there, like that Christian looked hot, but ugh, really, are there editors?  Anywhere? (Bored Now, Facepalm)   Christian gives Ana a bracelet for her birthday – it’s from Cartier, not that Ana name drops! (AnaFail)  And on the bracelet are charms for some of the places they’ve done it.  Wow.  There’s a helicopter – guess what it stands for you will never guess it’s Charlie Tango! (AliceScreams) Also there’s his stupid yacht thing, a bed (subtle), and an ice cream cone.  Christian says it stands for vanilla sex, but all I can think of is that time they used vanilla ice cream IN their sex and arghhh, thank you for triggering that memory, James, thanks so much. (AliceScreams)

Aw, these are a few of my least favorite things.

Guess what, you guyz? A reader let me know about this bracelet that you can totally buy with handcuffs, a tie, and a computer – to remind you of the binding, gagging, and emailing!

Oh, yeah, and there’s a picture locket (Ana says for a picture of Christipooo!), a “C” (for crap I think), and a key. “To my heart and soul,” Christian whispers (AlicePukes)  and Ana gets all teary and jumps in his lap.  God, that’s so original.  Then Ana goes to brush her teeth and remembers how she sexily shared Christian’s toothbrush once (noooo, I had forgotten that!!!!) (Flashback abuse) and notes that she looks pale (we know!!!) and says she’s married at 22!  She’s old! (AliceScreams, One giant Ana Fail).  I hate Ana.

They get in the elevator (and James is filming every second of this) and they remember this is the elevator where he first stuck his tongue in her mouth and ground his down there into her down there, and they start making out. (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse)  This is exactly the sort of thing I’d do if my father were on a ventilator.  Nothing turns me on like a dear relative in a coma! (WTF)

Christian gives Ana another tiny gift – no, not a vagina, though surely she could use a new one by now.  It’s a . . . brand new car!!!! (canned applause).  (BoredNow) They get to the hospital, and Christi-poo is talking on the Elmo phone again (we only hear one side of the conversation) but he is pissed.  He learns that the drunk who hit Ray was trailer trash from southeast Portland! (RedFlag) A hello out there to all you trailer trash from southeast Portland from E.L. James! (FacePalm)

I bet they name a town in James' honor.  Trailer Trash Jamestown!

I bet they name a town in James’ honor. Trailer Trash Jamestown!

Christian gets more phone calls, one about having to fire two of his people, and Ana yawns. (AnaFail)  Ana, you stupid bitch.  After the brain scan reveals Ray still has a brain (unlike Ana), Ana gets a new dress blah blah and we hear more flashbacks (remember when you puked in the azaleas, Ana?  How about when I first had you sign that sex slave contract?  Mem-o-riessss!) (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse)  They get to a private room at the Heathman and Surprise!  Christian has thrown Ana a surprise birthday party!  So that’s why Ana stressed for a day over not being able to reach her Mom!  Totally appropriate! (WTF, Red Flag, I hate this book).

Christian says that Ray would want them to have fun while a machine pumps oxygen for him, so they do, though Ana must “hold back the tears”.  Yeah.  Sure.  Jose’s dad says he thought Ana would have been a great daughter-in-law, you know, had she gone for his son, the guy who nearly raped her once while drunk. (RedFlag, WTF, still totally appropriate).  Ana and Christian leave the party and have sex off screen.  Way to keep Ray off your mind, there, Ana, you’re a champ! (AnaFail)

Ana and her mom talk about how fabulous Christi-poo is and her mom reminds her to tell Christian this (like she doesn’t?) because men need to hear it too. (AlicePukes)  Then Ana starts watching a Mariner’s game (apologies to all Mariners fans out there) and her dad magically wakes up!  Whatever.  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 –48 -80 = -28
The pumpkin speaks.  This chapter blows chunks.

The pumpkin speaks. This chapter blows chunks.

At this point, it's not really popping, is it?

At this point, it’s not really popping, is it?

Question 18
Fill in the blank!
In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.

50 Shades Flunked Lesson 17

Ana is such a bitch.  I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter.  Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident.  Oh, nooos!  This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana.  Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled.  She doesn’t give a crap.

Anguish!  Ana feels anguish!

Anguish! Ana feels anguish!

But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday.  I included every one.  They are awesome.  Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!

Back to the Recap.  Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital.  Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds.  You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once!  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Yawn. (BoredNow)

Gosh, where have I seen this kind of stuff before . . .

Gosh, where have I seen this kind of stuff before . . .

She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail)  But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.”   Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away.  Ana is sadfaced.  She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way!  Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter!  OMG! (AnaFail)

When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!”  Because she’s surprised?  Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital.  They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail)  Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there.  Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow)  Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF)  What?  He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative.  She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.”  And that’s not all.  Later she tastes the tea and thinks  “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life.  The horror. (Double AnaFail)

What is it with this cheap tea crap, are you MAD?

What is it with this cheap tea crap, are you MAD?

Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo!  He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag)  But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived!  Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing.  Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something.  Dickhead. (RedFlag)

The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them?  The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams)  Even Ana wants to kick him.  The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma.  Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff.  (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens.  I mean terrible.

Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”.  I love that movie.  And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation.  Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L.  Stop it.  Stop it now.  Last warning. (AliceRage)

Oh, James, you silly bitch!

Oh, James, you silly bitch!

Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts.  (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum.  That’s CEO talk for “firings”.  I love this guy. (RedFlag)  They go check on Ray in the ICU.  Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds.  Come on, you would too.  You know it.

A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute.  Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary.  Good thing she’s in a hospital!  I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz.   Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams)  Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color.  Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)

If only it were THIS nurse.

If only it were THIS nurse.

Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana.  After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)

Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath.  He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF)  Um, no, no she’s not.  Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can.  He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm)  They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her.  If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people.  So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no.  Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila.  Just . . . really, Ana.  Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)

So that's where they went.

So that’s where they went.

They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing.  I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow)  Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow!  Whoop-te-shit.  They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what?  Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother.  He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case.  I had awful images for a moment there, guys.  I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!

She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel.  He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does.  Of course.  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 50 60 = -10

I have more maturity than that Ana dope.

I have more maturity than that Ana dope.

I have questions, you have answers.

I have questions, you have answers.

Question 17:

In the next chapter . . .

A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.

B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.

C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Sixteen

Be prepared, readers.  James gave us a break on that last chapter, by merely boring us to death.  All the time she was setting us up for this clusterfuck of a chapter.  Which leads into the question I asked last time, which was “In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing: A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again, B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again, D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word., E) All of the above please kill me now.

It was all of the above, people.  All of the fucking above.  A few of you got it right.  A few of you even noticed that I forgot to add a C) answer.  One person chose it anyway.  Miss Four Eyes came up with an interesting proposal “Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!”  Yes.  Yes, I do.  This could be incredible guys.  Maybe like a choose your own adventure where we all take turns writing different parts.  We don’t even have to check with each other, because we all know James knows nothing about continuity anyway.  What do you say?  After the recap, you may run screaming.

I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.

I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.

Last time, Leila, Christian’s ex sub who spent most of the last book teasing us all that she was going to murder Christian and Ana only to let us all down, was waiting to see Ana.  Ana discovers that whackjob Leila is on security’s list of people not allowed to see her and she is so pissed.  Now, I think it’s a load of crap that there’s a list of people not allowed to see her (what do you bet Jose is on there?), but the fact that Leila happens to be on it – that’s not all that bad an idea, you moron. (AnaFail)  Remember the gunsies, Ana?  How your brain nearly went boom-boom in a bad way?  Don’t you . . . yeah, nevermind.  Wrong side of the goldfish bowl. (FacePalm, AnaFail)

Now Ana wasn’t even supposed to know Leila was there, but oopsies, Prescott, her female security guard, had to go potty and abandoned her post.  You know women with their potty breaks. (AliceRage) Well, she apparently had no one to relieve . . . um, to take over for her, so Leila slipped through.  Eh, oh! (FacePalm) Prescott thinks Ana shouldn’t see Leila but Ana is like, uh huh I can so see her, so Prescott, knowing she’s already screwed, gives in and leaves for a moment to search Leila.  Ana takes this opportunity to email Christian (good move!) and tell him all about it. (AliceScreams)

You're going to blow up my head, I just know it.

You’re going to blow up my head, I just know it.

Once she’s done sealing her fate, she meets with Leila, who has brought a friend, Susi, who also looks just like Ana.  A trio of mindless Ana automatons. (WTF) Susi announces that she and Leila call themselves “the sub club” and Ana thinks “Oh my God” and I smack myself in the face (Epic FacePalm).  Thankfully, brilliant Susi leaves, and we’re just left with one Ana clone, and sadly, the real Ana.  Christian calls, but Ana tells her assistant to take a message. (AnaFail) Then he calls Prescott, who makes Ana take the damn phone and listen to asshole herself.  He shouts at her that he gave her instructions and bad puppy, she peed on the rug again! (Redflag) Ana hangs up on him. She’s going to be all kinds of dead!  Hooray!

Leila thanks Ana for, you know, not pressing charges for vandalizing her car, breaking and entering her apartment, and attempting to murder her. (WTF) Trifles, really.  Then she wants to see Christian to thank him for beating the crap out of her and turning her brain into pudding, I mean, for not putting her in prison.  And for paying all her doctor bills.  Oh, and for art school.  The usual ex-sub insurance special. (WTF)  Christian is so supportive, he even bought some of her paintings, which is not at all inappropriate.

Example of one of Leila's paintings.

Example of one of Leila’s paintings.

Leila goes on.  And on.  She loved her boyfriend.  And her husband.  Oh, and Christian, of course.  Ana agrees that he is easy to love and they both giggle. (FacePalm, AnaFail, WTF)  No, seriously.  I’m thinking they’re about to go out and get manicures together while comparing buttplug techniques when Christian arrives.  He’s enraged, but Ana still gets in a full description of his hotness.  Remember ladies, it’s important that your murderer be hot. (AliceRage)

Prescott is immediately fired and no doubt leaves the building screaming “Freedom!”  Then Christian yells at the cute little deranged former mental patient / aspiring art student. (RedFlag)  Ana thinks he shouldn’t bully her.  Duh-er, Ana, that’s what he does best.  He also informs Ana that this has nothing to do with her. (RedFlag)  Beyond, you know, Leila nearly killing her like a month ago, and coming specifically to see her, he’s exactly right.  Nothing to do with her!

See, Leila's no problem, Christian. Jeez.

See, Leila’s no problem, Christian. Jeez.

Well, there’s more back and forth about absolutely nothing, and Christian threatens to take away all the guilt money supporting Leila (cause Christian is such a sweet sweet guy to take care of Leila after ripping her to shreds) and she finally leaves to go be nutso somewhere else.  Then Christian tears into Ana for “defying” him, and Ana asks why he was so mean to Leila who only tried to murder her, gawd. (AnaFail, WTF) So Christian talks to Ana “as if to a child” (AliceRage) and explains that the subs were just a “diverting pastime” (AliceRage) and he doesn’t want Ana “tainted by his old life” because it’s so old, you know, like three months ago old.  But Ana says “Whatever touches you, touches me” which just makes me think of those old Health classes about STDs. (AlicePukes)

This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand.  Is there a Sesame Street version?

This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand. Is there a Sesame Street version?

Ana then realizes her mission in life, besides being Christian’s doorstop, is to make Christian realize that he “cares.” (AnaFail) He cares because “he likes to whip little brown-haired girls that look like the crack whore.”  Wait.  Well, it was in the same paragraph, don’t ask me what it means. (WTF)  Then suddenly, they are having sexy talk, and Christian says let’s go home but Ana says I have to work so Christian says let’s do it here and Ana says no that’s her final word absolutely not and Christian says let’s go home and Ana says okay. (AliceScreams)

And then we cut to Christian sticking his nose up Ana’s hoo ha while she’s trussed up like a pig again. God, I wish I was making that up.  He tortures her a while, then orders her to come and kaboom she does, rinse, repeat. (AliceScreams)  Then they share a couple of emails. (AliceScreams)

I'm pooping on all those emails right now.

I’m pooping on all those emails right now.

And Ana picks up her phone and OMG it’s Jose’s dad saying that Ana’s dad has been in a terrible accident and to come quick! (WTF) Wait, did James just throw in a plot point as an afterthought?  Who cares, end chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 5080 = -30
Holy crap, I survived that one!

Holy crap, I survived that one!

Fun, fun, fun.

Fun, fun, fun.

Question # – which number are we on now?

Mad Libs!

Here is a paragraph from the next chapter with some of the words taken out.  See if you can fill them in!  Leave your answers in the comments below!

“Do you want a _____, a ____?  What do you ___, Ana?”  Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____.  He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon.  This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______.  This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now.  My____, ____ 50 Shades.

My Hurricane Post

Well it seems like everyone else has written on Hurricane Sandy (btw all you people out there who happen to be named Sandy – sucks to be you, huh?) so I figured I should as well, so I don’t look like a jerk.  Then again, this is several days after the Hurricane, so I’m not helping much.  Not that I could have helped anyway, being in the Panhandle of Texas and far away from any water of any sort.  At all.

We do have tornadoes here, though, and once one blew over us (it helps to be in a giant hole) so I can totally identify with the hundreds of people displaced by Hurricane Sandy.  That’s like someone (say a Senator) saying he can identify with childbirth because once he stubbed his toe.  It was scary, though.  It was just a couple days after the birth of Thing Two, and my husband was out of town working and I was recovering at my parents.  Thing One was four and to her this was the most Awesome Day of her entire life.  She got to play in the hallway with pillows and flashlights and the whole family had to join her!  Wheee!

But this – this was enormous.  I saw some of the pictures, and I have to say that people who live on the coast are amazing.  There are some courageous people out there.  On the other hand, like with everything else, there are also a few that make ya go facepalm. 

Wow, look at that wave . . . arghhhhhhhhhh!
*photo from weather.com

People.  Hurricane means GO HOME. 

I do wish everyone who rode out this storm well.  May your normal lives (and Internet) return soon.

50 Shades Flunked: Back to School

Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades Flunked Freed!

I have decided to switch things around a bit.  I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books.  At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers.  This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever.  Here’s how it works.  There may be additions / changes as needed.

We’re keepin’ score, kiddies!

Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off.  Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky. 

Plot (hahaha) Points

Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)

Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)

Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)

Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)

AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)

FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)

BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)

WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)

The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter.  Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun.  For instance:

Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)

Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?

A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.

B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.

C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once.  She is awarded a medal of honor.

Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below.  The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter! 

Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes.  Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face.  Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face.  At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling.  Who can resist that?   Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!