I just finished chapter 14 of Anabobimbo Steele’s memoirs and I have to report something I didn’t think possible. Christian is acting at least partially like a human, but James can’t have two almost human people in a relationship. This means Ana has to become an even bigger bitchy idiot. I mean, what a time to decide you don’t want to slap her around anymore, Christian!
The hospital was nice, and I liked the Jello. But I guess it’s time to go out that revolving door and face the music. Oh, look, here it is.
Ana: Alice! You’re back!
Alice: Yeah, I’m gonna check myself back in.
Ana: Don’t you want to know what happened with Christian and me?
Ana: But Alice, what about your readerrrrrs?
Alice: They hate you too. That’s why they read. But fine, what happened?
Ana: Oh, there was just so much fuckedupness! I am exhausted.
Alice: I guess being held at gunpoint might do that to you.
Ana: Oh, posh, not that. Christian and I had this deep talk. It was DEEP.
Alice: I bet.
Ana: I told him that without him I will be in a world without light. I’ll be in darkness.
Alice: Lack of light tends to do that.
Ana: And I said I couldn’t figure out why he found ME, who every man in the universe is sexually attracted to, beautiful. Especially since he is the most beautifulest wonderful sexy amazing man with pants that hang on his hips just so and . . .
Alice: We know.
Ana: Finally Christian spoke! He said he was scared and sadfaced because he might have caused Leila’s mental breakdown.
Alice: No, really? I thought ceiling hanging was the latest form of therapy.
Ana: Next I poked him in the chest and slobbered on all those scars crackwhore’s pimp left on his chest.
Alice: Three cheers for psychological torture.
Ana: And then he made his confession, what he thought would make me run away! He said he liked to whip little brown-haired girls like me because we look like his crackwhore birth mom!
Alice: Yeah, that’s – that’s healthy right there.
Ana: I was so devastated. We’re incompatible, because I can’t give him what he needs. He needs to beat people, you know.
Alice: Right. So the whole you look like his mom so he wants to hit you and have sex with you – that just kinda slipped on by you?
Ana: He told me he doesn’t need to beat me anymore. I said I can’t believe I cured him that fast.
Alice: Me neither.
Ana: I told him this was so fucked up. He’s afraid I might leave him again. I wanted to know how I could convince him I wouldn’t leave. And he – oh Alice – he proposed to me!
Alice: Just – what? I do dirty painful sex with Mommy look-a-likes, hey, let’s get married?
Ana: Yes. Oh, what to do, what to do? I couldn’t decide, so I just rolled around and laughed at his proposal.
Alice: That’s . . . sensitive.
Ana: I said it was strange timing and he said “Fair point well made.” Why are you twitching, Alice?
Alice: I will hurt you if you say that again. Keep going.
Ana: He ordered me to eat, and I was so comforted, because old Christian was coming back to me!
Ana: The microwave binged which told us our food was warmed through.
Alice: Thank God you explained that.
Ana: He said Taylor was still out looking for me.
Alice: So he didn’t feel the need to, um, call him and tell him to stop?
Ana: No. I asked him what he did with Leila after I left him. And he, oh, this is so agonizing! He said he talked to her, and bathed her and dressed her in fresh clothes!
Alice: What an asshole.
Ana: I know! He saw her naked, Alice. Naked! I was horrified! That was so inappropriate. I wanted to howl in pain and agony. I asked if he still had feelings for her.
Alice: Oh, good grief.
Ana: He said he cared for her, like one human to another, and it was like bathing a broken child. Can you BELIEVE that?
Alice: No. That actually sounds . . . decent of him.
Ana: Decent? Did I mention he saw her without her clothes? He saw her “down there” and I just can’t abide that.
Alice: Just, look you little twit. The girl was totally broken, dirty, and scared. He helped wash her and put some clothes on her. He wasn’t turned on because she was a total basket case, which by the way, actually shows he is a freaking human being! This is the kind of thing you want, you idiot!
Ana: But it just hurt, that he took care of someone besides me, me, me. So I yelled at him, and I went to the bathroom and surrendered to huge, chest-wrenching sobs.
Alice: I hate you. So much.
Ana: Oh, whatever am I going to do?
Alice: Right now you’re going away. And I’m going back in for some Lime Jello. *
* Is it possible to hate a fictional character this much? I’m going to ask the nice doctors. I just realized there’s still over a hundred pages left. I am going to surrender to huge, chest-wrenching sobs – and then eat Jello.