Last time I asked what series, if any, you’d like me to continue. The majority (of like 3) voted for Boppo torture. I love you guys. But as I was considering another way to kill a clown, I remembered that Speaker 7 had made a request. She asked “Can you please do the same thing only with Sims versions of Christian Grey and Ana Steele?” I thought it was a BRILLIANT idea. So I did it.
Now it wouldn’t surprise me if many disturbed women have made their own Christians and Anas, so as to repeat the horror of that story over and over in Sim form. I’m going to play with them a bit differently, however. As in I’m going to beat the snot out of them, just as I wanted to sooo many times whilst reading those books. Take this, James.
First off, I made our happy couple. Since James gave so many details (as in almost none) it was pretty easy to create them. Christian has mussy red hair, a gray tie, and long fingers. Well I got the hair and the tie. Score. Next Ana has brown hair (just like crackwhore mom’s, awww) and is wearing the plum dress she borrowed from her friend several dozen times. I think I’d want that dress back as much as I’d want Monica Lewinsky’s.
Next I had to build a house for the psychotic pair. Just like James, I decided to make it as subtle and unassuming as possible. Observe. (Click to enlarge)
I figured Federal Fortress was right up their alley and added the helicopter pad for good old Charlie Tango (yes he named the helicopter). You might wonder why I remember all these details from the book. That’s only because they are repeated 5 BILLION TIMES. James should really consider teaching the times tables or something. The kids would never forget their math facts then. (1 buttplug plus 1 buttplug = red)
But what is Christian’s house without the Red Room (red room, red roooom?) It’s almost normal, that’s what. I couldn’t find whips and chains, because even Sims hasn’t gotten quite that deranged yet, so I had to make due with a trellis. I figure Christian is creative enough to tie her up to that while also growing fresh strawberries, you know, “down there”.
You’ll notice a “toy chest” in the corner for all of Christian’s sex toys (buttplugs in every shape and size – I wish I was kidding) and a flying model of Charlie Tango that Ana gave Christipoo for his birthday. Their bed is like something out of Martha Stewart! And just for the hell of it, I added a spotlight and mirrors, because we’re talking Christian and Ana, and there’s nothing they’d like more. Oh, yeah, and in the corner, there’s that roaster that took out poor Boppo. Hmm.
You might even notice that Ana has on the matching underwear set that Christian’s bodyguard bought for her, because of course that’s what bodyguards do and OMG I will never get this crap out of my brain help meeeee.
I kept thinking something was missing, though, and then I knew. Lilah! Lilah, in case you didn’t read my amazing recaps (There’s only like a billion of them, what’s wrong with you?) is Christian’s crazy ex-girlfriend who unfortunately fails to successfully gun down Christian and Ana. She’s still my favorite character so I made her a Sim. Pretty easy – just take Ana and put her hair in braids. Christian likes braids because MAKE IT STOP!
What’s so funny about the Sims is that you can never predict what they’re going to do. As soon as I added Lilah to the family, she went right up to the Red Room and oblivious to Christian and Ana, started playing with the remote control Charlie Tango.
But here I haven’t gotten to the torturing part yet! My apologies. First up – morons on fire!
A twisted reader, Tammy, told me about something called the Tombstone of Death you could get through a cheat that allowed you to quickly kill Sims in every possible way. I had to have it, of course, and made quick use of it. Next up, Christian death by flies!
Boppo may get a post per death, but I really couldn’t wait with these two. You can’t possibly understand how much you can hate fictional characters until you take a gander at these books. Anyway next I had Christian get struck by lightning while peeing. Karma anyone?
One thing I found funny was that after Christian turned to ash, Lilah cried for two seconds, then started plunging the toilet. With Ana she didn’t even shed one tear, just scooped her up in the dust bin. She might be nuts, but the girl is practical.
Ana gets some fun too, don’t worry. While reading, how many times did I think – I wish a Satellite would fall out of the sky and she would burst into flames? Lots. Considering Christian failed to properly die in the Charlie Tango, I felt someone should die in a freak explosion.
While that was immensely satisfying, I felt it wasn’t quite “Ana” enough. First I tried death by disease, and it was pretty cool to see her choking (who didn’t want to choke her at least once?) but then I settled on death by starvation, since Ana only eats about 50 calories throughout all three books.
That’s all I have. Though I could have done this dozens more times, you get the picture. Or pictures. This is the best we can do until the fabulous movie comes out. Good news, one actor was selected for Christian, got a whiff of the script, and ran screaming. I’m thinking they should get Macauley Culkin. He needs the work. I’d say Hugo, but he has way too much class.
Will I watch the movie? Of course I will. And I’ll review it – eventually. I still haven’t managed to get more than 15 minutes through Eclipse, though, so it might be a while. After reviewing the first two Twilight movies, I had to let my stomach rest. Also, I had the Things to help me with those two reviews, and I’m pretty sure people might consider that child abuse. I know they did. So next time I’ll be on my own.
Unless I get CRC.
List of X wrote a post about what books might be housed in the George W. Bush library, so in the comments, naturally, our conversation turned to Dr. Seuss and 50 Shades of Grey. He then (this is his fault, remember) suggested that I try to put 50 Shades of Grey to one of Dr. Seuss’s (Can you believe he didn’t know Dr. Seuss before me? The SHAME.) classic rhyming tales for children. Of course I couldn’t pass that up. So here it is, guyz, yup, here it is.
Buttplugs and Jam
(to Green Eggs and Ham)
They will do it
They will do it on a boat
They will do it with a goat
They will do it on a plane
They will do in the rain
They will do it with buttplugs
They will do it while on drugs
They will do it with ice cream
They will do it in your dreams
They will do it with a fox
They will do it in a box
They will do it using balls
They will do it on the wall
They will do it upside down
They will do it round and round
They will do it on a pony
They’ll do it with macaroni
Yes with whips
And with chips
On a cross
Or with Kate Moss
With fingers, with floggers, with candlestick knobbers
They will do it here and there
They will do it everywhere.
I’ll stop here. But there are so many more you could do. Here’s a quick list of some of Seuss’s titles. See what you can do. I’m sure you could do even more horrible things to these poor books!
Hop on Pop
The Butter Battle Book
Hunches in Bunches
Gerald McBoing Boing
Horton Hears a Who
There’s a Wocket in my Pocket
I Can Lick Thirty Tigers Today and Other Stories
(For all that is holy . . .)
For more ideas, see here. If you want to play, leave your submissions in the comments or shoot me an email. I’ll print the winner in the next post! Saying WordPress still lets me have a blog after this!
Last week I finished covering the last 50 Shades book. After each of the preceding books, I published a reflection on the book. Usually this consisted of a rant, followed by another rant, followed by still more ranting. I figured I’d do the same thing one last time. Except when I try to think of that series, I mean anything in any of those books, all I come up with is . . . um. Uhmm. Mmm. Mmmmmbop, Mmm bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du.
I bet you thought you’d forgotten that song, right? But it popped into my head the other day and it still hasn’t left. You know what’s really, really bad though? I like that song. It’s a dopey, pointless, nonsensical, bubble-gum pop sung by prepubescent little brats, but gosh darn it’s freaking catchy. And it has now filled that void in my head left by 50 Shades. I have to say . . . I like Hanson much, much better than Christian, Ana, E.L. James, Puff the Magic Dragon, and all the other characters in that series.
So since the song is now in my brain, I figured I might as well buy the stupid song and play it for my kids. Because I’m going to be forced to listen to teeny bopper stuff anyway, so it might as well be my teeny bopper stuff. That’s all I’m saying. And when I got home the other day we played the song and the Things and I danced like Peanuts characters while holding hands, boing, boing, boing and it was fun. They like the song too, and now it’s in their brains, and they will probably spread it to their friends. There might be a Hanson revival. I don’t care. It still beats that Wrong Direction group that’s big right now.
Oh, and since I didn’t know any of the lyrics to that song except “Mmmbop” which is what I sing throughout the entire song, even when they are supposedly singing other words, I looked them up on Google. I found them on www.elyrics.net. You’re welcome. As it turns out, the lyrics really do reflect on 50 Shades of Grey. Here’s a sample:
In an mmm bop they’re gone.
In an mmm bop they’re not there.
In an mmm bop they’re gone.
In an mmm bop they’re not there.
Until you lose your hair. But you don’t care.
That’s so true, Hanson. So true. And just because I love you guys, I included a link to the video for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy. And Mmmbop.