Tag Archives: fortune telling

I am TOP BLOG and stuff

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m almost jealous of all those peeps doing Nanoblowmore.  I mean, sure, they are about to lose their minds and have been doing every wacky thing possible for a post, but there’s this definite sense of camaraderie that comes with desperation and/or possible insanity. Plus I’ve gotten to read lots more posts from you guys than usual.  At last you are fulfilling your duties to ENTERTAIN ME.  Well done.

Which is why, sense November is almost over, I wanted to join in on some of the posts.  For one, I’ve seen award posts for the first time in a while.  And I got an award!  I’m sure this has nothing to do with needing another post either!  Well, not in all cases.  I actually got this award twice, which is kind of funny, but since it was merbear and twindaddy who gave it to me, I’ll write about it.

Speech, Alice, Speech!

Blog of 2013 the year!  Huh?

I am really proud of this one.  Of all the eleventy-billion blogs out there, I am the blog of the year.  Woooot!  I have beaten everybody else!  I am Queen of the Internetz!  I am . . . wait . . . how come other people have this thingy?  It says Blog of the year, not blogs.  I’m beginning to think this might be another chainmail award or something crazy like that!  Fortunately, I don’t care.

I’m supposed to nominate more peeps?  I can’t take this kind of pressure, you guyz.  Besides, I’m still going with the whole I am THE blog of the year, because I am happy in my delusions.  Also lazy.  But hey, there was another bandwagon people were on lately.  Peeps did tarot card readings on this totally legit site and I said this looks ridiculous, ME TOO.

First up, how I feel about myself right now.

That figures.

That figures.

The site says “You feel discontent or uneasy and feel a need for a change in your life, a new direction, perhaps even an adventure.”  And it’s represented by The Fool.  I’m thinkin’ a new direction probably wouldn’t be a good idea if I’ve got this moron fueling my destiny.  I’ll pass.

Next card – What I want most at this moment.



No offense, Mr. Death, but I’m not wanting you right now.  No death wishes.  I would think drawing this card to be a slighly bad omen, sort of like having Cancer as your birth sign (I’m so lucky).  But the site says “The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is absolute change, to end what you no longer want and start anew . . . However catastrophic such changes could be, embracing them will only make you grow in wisdom and experience.”  Or, you know, die.

Next up, my fears.  For some reason, Mr. Happy Death doesn’t appear here.  instead we get the Herc.

Well, this is awkward.

Well, this is awkward.

I like how the dude is riding a lion in this one.  That shows strength.  Also stupidity.  This card says “Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top.”  Well, that about covers everything, doesn’t it?  I’ve had ill health, problem relationships, and challenges at work, but now I know if I ride a lion, I can be on top.  Thanks Tarot!

And now what I have going for me!  Yay!

A dude with a harp?  You're kidding me, right?

A dude with a harp? You’re kidding me, right?

The site says “It’s a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, perhaps enjoy a well-earned holiday, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby.”  What?  Baby.  Nooooo.  No no no no.  Go away angel dude.  No babies here.  Don’t even think about it.

So what’s going against me when I’ve got sun boy going for me?

Da fuq?

Da fuq?

According to this, that freaked out card represents “the world.”  So “the world” is against me.  Awesome.  But it adds “As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays – stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.”  Whatever that might be.  See, we’re always right here at Tarot international!

Finally: Outcome.

Outcome is chubby guy on a throne.  Okay.

Outcome is chubby guy on a throne. Okay.

This guy is called “The Emperor” but he doesn’t look anything like the guy in Star Wars.  Which I guess is a good thing.  According to this card “Expect success and achievement of your goals, this is a time for fulfillment of your ambitions. If you have placed your trust in your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life, they will come up trumps for you.”  Thank goodness I have me a man!  I have to wonder, though, what this means for straight guys with no dads.  Huh.

Well, there you go.  I’m thinking maybe the dove candy wrappers might be about as useful, but who knows?  I’ll let ya know.  In fact, if you’d like me to do a tarot reading for you, complete with necessary sarcastic remarks, I’d be happy to do so.  Just ask.  I know. That’s why I’m Blog of the Year.

You’re welcome.


Weekly Horoscope is Back!

That’s right, folks!  Recently my psychic abilities have returned to me after fleeing in terror during my coverage of 50 Shades.  Now that they’re back, I feel I should use my powers of prophecy to predict your fortune this week.  Sure the week is technically almost over, but now you can know what you should have done earlier.  I’m helpful that way.

Anyway, I figured I would once again divine your fortune from the wrappers of Dove candies.  They work even better than tea leaves.  No guesswork.  Plus I’ve yet to get the Death sign from one of these things, so you’re probably safe.   It was a sacrifice, scarfing 12 candies from the candy bowl on my coworker’s desk, but there is nothing I won’t do for my loyal readers – not when their past future is at stake!

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Since I’m the psychic, I have helpfully translated these complex riddles for you.

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Dove candy wrapper say: It’s definitely a bubble bath day

Alice say: What if you don’t have any bubble bath? Or a tub?  Well, you’re screwed, that’s what. 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20

Dove candy wrapper say: You already look gorgeous, gorgeous

Alice say: Dove candy is sincere.  They would never suck up to you suckily.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Be good to yourself today

Alice say: Eat more chocolate.  Then get on the scale and blame Dove.

You suck, Dove.

You suck, Dove.

Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Escape for a moment

Alice say: We’ll let you out of the pen for fifteen minutes, then back in ya go!

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You worked hard – promise yourself an award.

Alice say: Promise yourself an Emmy.  Wait for results.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You’re invited to relax today

Alice say: Take some tranquilizers.

If that doesn't work, try the library.

If that doesn’t work, try the library.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Unwrap, Breathe, Enjoy

Alice say: In that order.  Better get some candy, stat.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Tempt your sense of exploration

Alice say: Really explore that sense.  Everywhere.  Try using a brush.

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Discover yourself

Alice say: Be like Christopher Columbus, if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Dove candy wrapper say: Your smile is your best accessory

Alice say: Who needs clothes?  Not when you’re exploring and discovering yourself, you don’t!

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Dove candy wrapper say: Buy flowers for yourself

Alice say:  You also don’t need a significant other.  See fortunes above.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Dance with your heart

Alice say:  Do not attempt without a skilled physician present.

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!