My kids and I were reading what has to be List of X’s funniest post yet.  It’s about Ebola of course.  Yes, even my ten and fourteen- year-olds hear about this stuff constantly, because it’s never too early to scare the crap out of children.

Ebola is hiding under your bed, kids! Also in the closet.

You might be wondering what Ebola is, since we never hear about it or anything.  Except for every five minutes on the news.  Nope, otherwise, not a PEEP.  Thing is, the Ebola virus is not new.  It’s been around a long time.  But it didn’t affect a handful of Americans earlier so NOW IT IS IMPORTANT.  We must ask, though, that people keep this in perspective and remain calm and OMG RUN IN TERROR SCREAM AND SHOUT!  Fumigate!  Don’t go anywhere!  Certainly not Texas! (Good rule anyway, and I even live in Texas).

But since I do live in Texas, it’s even worse here.  I’m about 6 hours away from Dallas, where an American recently died of Ebola and two nurses were infected.  People are so panicked that they shut down the emergency room of one of hospitals here for hours because someone came in with flu symptoms.  No, seriously.  Turned out it was – wait for it – the flu.

Look out! Ebola! Or possibly those are pneumonia germs. Either way, like gross.

Now, normally I avoid the regular news (and certainly Fox News) like the plague.  I prefer to get my news from more reputable sources such as the Daily Show and blogs like List of X.  They are a lot more accurate, and funnier too, in a slap yourself in the head and laugh cause otherwise you’ll be planning a mission to the moon with no helmet sort of way.  But I was recently sick and had to get antibiotics then had reactions to the antibiotics that made me sicker causing me to need new antibiotics and nausea pills to counteract what they “cured” earlier, before finally they decided to take me off of all medicines because maybe it wasn’t a bacterial throat infection to begin with (I love our medical system).  This necessitated going to several doctors at one clinic several times.  And of course, they play Fox News.  And on Fox News was info about the Ebola virus!

What better thing for sick people to watch, am I right?

At least Fox isn’t like, a fear mongering kind of news.  With rabid weasel reporters who get extremely angry when the people they interview don’t get angry also.  Nope, they are always fair and balanced and totally calm.

Here’s an example of one blond female reporter (shock!), who might have been pretty if her face weren’t twisted up like a Pitbull’s, interviewing a scientist they clearly didn’t screen properly before letting on the show.  I’m paraphrasing some, but honestly, this is how it went.

Reporter: So I guess the government and “Big Pharma” are going to try to block new vaccines for Ebola.

Scientist: Uh, I don’t think so.  I mean, they want this cured also.

Reporter: (madface – did he not read the script?) But don’t you think Obama and his people are not doing a good enough job of protecting us from the Ebola virus?

Scientist: (looks a little scared and confused) I, uh, don’t really get into politics  but it seems like they’re doing everything they can at this point.

Reporter: (even more madface, foaming at the mouth possible soon) So when do you think there will be a cure?  Like, say, if you started today, how long would it take for you to have a vaccine?

Scientist: (now he’s just realized she’s insane and is looking for any exit) I don’t work directly with the vaccine itself – I mean there’s no way to tell for sure anyway . .

This is why we should totally be afraid of black Santas, kids.  Ebola.

Those scientists -what a bunch of maroons.  Can’t tell you exactly how long to find a cure for Ebola?  What is WITH them?   Jesus turned water into wine in seconds.  He totally would NOT have a problem at all solving this, if it weren’t for the liberals and gays.  I’m sure this atheist, communist scientist is in cahoots with Big Pharma, Obama, and possibly the virus itself.

Obviously I don’t want to get Ebola.  I also don’t want to get Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease, or get smushed by a semi-truck, all of which are much more likely to happen.  At least the U.S. is finally doing more to help Africa, because while starving people and evil dictators who keep food from their own people are not likely to affect us Americans, a disease from the starving people can, so we better get over there and help these people by closing all their airports, ships, and any other form of transportation.  Get the jet skis too, just in case.  Oh, and uh, maybe do a little doctoring while you’re at it.

And, most importantly, keep your eyes and ears on the news stations so you can lie awake in fear every night.  This will cause bonding with your elders who lay awake at night years earlier waiting for the nuclear bomb.  So you know, it’s not all bad.

* Note: this post is chock full of satire, sarcasm, and probably multiple inaccuracies.  At least I’m being honest about it.  Oh and you’re probably not going to die of Ebola unless you like sharing spit.  It will probably be a heart attack from all your worry about Ebola.  You’re welcome.  Also: don’t share spit.