My kids and I were reading what has to be List of X’s funniest post yet. It’s about Ebola of course. Yes, even my ten and fourteen- year-olds hear about this stuff constantly, because it’s never too early to scare the crap out of children.
You might be wondering what Ebola is, since we never hear about it or anything. Except for every five minutes on the news. Nope, otherwise, not a PEEP. Thing is, the Ebola virus is not new. It’s been around a long time. But it didn’t affect a handful of Americans earlier so NOW IT IS IMPORTANT. We must ask, though, that people keep this in perspective and remain calm and OMG RUN IN TERROR SCREAM AND SHOUT! Fumigate! Don’t go anywhere! Certainly not Texas! (Good rule anyway, and I even live in Texas).
But since I do live in Texas, it’s even worse here. I’m about 6 hours away from Dallas, where an American recently died of Ebola and two nurses were infected. People are so panicked that they shut down the emergency room of one of hospitals here for hours because someone came in with flu symptoms. No, seriously. Turned out it was – wait for it – the flu.
Now, normally I avoid the regular news (and certainly Fox News) like the plague. I prefer to get my news from more reputable sources such as the Daily Show and blogs like List of X. They are a lot more accurate, and funnier too, in a slap yourself in the head and laugh cause otherwise you’ll be planning a mission to the moon with no helmet sort of way. But I was recently sick and had to get antibiotics then had reactions to the antibiotics that made me sicker causing me to need new antibiotics and nausea pills to counteract what they “cured” earlier, before finally they decided to take me off of all medicines because maybe it wasn’t a bacterial throat infection to begin with (I love our medical system). This necessitated going to several doctors at one clinic several times. And of course, they play Fox News. And on Fox News was info about the Ebola virus!
What better thing for sick people to watch, am I right?
At least Fox isn’t like, a fear mongering kind of news. With rabid weasel reporters who get extremely angry when the people they interview don’t get angry also. Nope, they are always fair and balanced and totally calm.
Here’s an example of one blond female reporter (shock!), who might have been pretty if her face weren’t twisted up like a Pitbull’s, interviewing a scientist they clearly didn’t screen properly before letting on the show. I’m paraphrasing some, but honestly, this is how it went.
Reporter: So I guess the government and “Big Pharma” are going to try to block new vaccines for Ebola.
Scientist: Uh, I don’t think so. I mean, they want this cured also.
Reporter: (madface – did he not read the script?) But don’t you think Obama and his people are not doing a good enough job of protecting us from the Ebola virus?
Scientist: (looks a little scared and confused) I, uh, don’t really get into politics but it seems like they’re doing everything they can at this point.
Reporter: (even more madface, foaming at the mouth possible soon) So when do you think there will be a cure? Like, say, if you started today, how long would it take for you to have a vaccine?
Scientist: (now he’s just realized she’s insane and is looking for any exit) I don’t work directly with the vaccine itself – I mean there’s no way to tell for sure anyway . .
Those scientists -what a bunch of maroons. Can’t tell you exactly how long to find a cure for Ebola? What is WITH them? Jesus turned water into wine in seconds. He totally would NOT have a problem at all solving this, if it weren’t for the liberals and gays. I’m sure this atheist, communist scientist is in cahoots with Big Pharma, Obama, and possibly the virus itself.
Obviously I don’t want to get Ebola. I also don’t want to get Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease, or get smushed by a semi-truck, all of which are much more likely to happen. At least the U.S. is finally doing more to help Africa, because while starving people and evil dictators who keep food from their own people are not likely to affect us Americans, a disease from the starving people can, so we better get over there and help these people by closing all their airports, ships, and any other form of transportation. Get the jet skis too, just in case. Oh, and uh, maybe do a little doctoring while you’re at it.
And, most importantly, keep your eyes and ears on the news stations so you can lie awake in fear every night. This will cause bonding with your elders who lay awake at night years earlier waiting for the nuclear bomb. So you know, it’s not all bad.
* Note: this post is chock full of satire, sarcasm, and probably multiple inaccuracies. At least I’m being honest about it. Oh and you’re probably not going to die of Ebola unless you like sharing spit. It will probably be a heart attack from all your worry about Ebola. You’re welcome. Also: don’t share spit.
Santa sucks. We all know this. I mean, I’ve been talking about it for how many posts? Still not even close to the number of 50 Shades posts? Eh. Anyway, I’ve been shopping for gifts and thinking of those poor parents who are still playing the Santa game and how this Santa freak is taking all the credit. Adults are getting rightly tired of this crap. Well adults with the exception of Megyn, Fox News anchor, who still believes in Santa, white Santa, because she’s not too bright. That also explains why she can’t spell her name correctly. But most adults do not believe in Santa, and are ready to kick the jolly fat jerk.
Wait, did someone say kick? Guess what? You’re in luck! There is a game that the Things introduced to me – it’s totally educational. No, really. It’s from a Math site, so you can learn Math stuphs while having a reindeer kick Santa toward a chimney. You know the reindeer have totally been waiting for this chance for centuries. As the game goes on, the challenges get greater. Sometimes you have fans blowing Santa into fire and stuph. Or he gets impaled, bloodless of course, on spikes. Because it’s a kid’s game.
Other times he just smashes into walls, and flops down. It’s like his body is made out of stuffing. Like toy Santas. At – at least I think they’re toy Santas. We’re gonna go with toys, not dead bodies of the multiple Santa clones seen in malls the world over.
It’s such a popular game that they have come out with Santa Kicker I, II, and III! I love it when people makes stuff so I don’t have to! Also so I don’t look like the only disturbed individual! Anyway, the best part of this game is that it is free and on the internetz so you can play it anytime! Except work of course! You wouldn’t do that, would you? Of course you would. Go check it out. http://www.coolmath-games.com/holiday-Christmas-games-puzzles/super-santa-kicker/
Ah, Santa Claus. He’s a hoot because he gives you a chance to lie to your kids and get away with it. It’s for a greater cause, of course – getting the little punks to behave lest they lose any of their much wanted merchandise. Recently, Santa has gotten lazy, though, and enlisted the help of the elf on the shelf. This little freak narcs on kids to Santa for an entire flipping month. He’s so creepy. That . . . that grin. And he keeps moving around. You never know where he’ll be. Some elves even stage elaborate pranks. This scares the heck out of me, and I’m not even a small child.
Why do you need an elf anyway? Isn’t Santa scary enough? Oh, sure, Coca Cola painted him as a fat old jolly fellow in a red suit, but they also made polar bears look adorable, and those things can rip your face off. All you have to do is listen to songs about Santa to make you start questioning this kind little fairy tale we all tell to our kids. Well, most of us think it’s a fairy tale. Fox News had four commentators on – there’s actual video – discussing Santa’s ethnicity. In case you were wondering, he’s white. According to Megyn, Fox News Host, that’s a “verifiable fact.” Also in discussion was Jesus who naturally was also white. So I guess that explains why some minority children get crappy gifts. Anyway, some people believe in Jesus and others don’t, but I’m pretty sure most people over eight or so realize Santa is imaginary. And thank goodness for that. Here’s just three songs that point out why I find Santa kind of scary, and you should too. But first, check out the scariness of Fox News.
Exhibit A: Santa Claus is coming to town
This has to be the worst one of the bunch. Just for kicks, try replacing “Santa Claus” with “Serial Killer”.
You better watch out, better not cry
Better not pout I’m telling you why
Serial killer is coming to town.
See? Happy, happy! Note that you can also replace “Santa Claus” with “Christian Grey” and get the same effect. These next lines, slightly edited by yours truly, show that Santa is really not to be trusted.
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows what your address is man
So lock your door for goodness sakes
Elf on the shelf really can’t come close to that kind of terrifying wackiness. I don’t even think he has a song unless you count “Somebody’s watching me” or “Every Breath You Take”.
Exhibit B: Up on the House Top
This one’s just really, really odd. I had to look up the lyrics because they didn’t make sense and they still don’t make sense.
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go
up on the house top click, click, click,
down through the chimney with good St. Nick.
Well, I wouldn’t go up on the housetop and I’m not so sure we should be encouraging children to do this either. Hey, there’s some weirdo on the roof, Willy, why don’t you go check that out? Don’t worry, honey, you can slide down the chimney to get back down! Then you can open your stocking and see what totally appropriate toys Santa got you!
Next comes the stocking of little Will
Oh, just see what a glorious fill
Here is a hammer and lots of tacks
Also a ball and a whip that cracks
Holy crap. I’m thinking this is just asking for a trip to the ER and multiple lawsuits here. Little Nell better hide her dolly unless she wants her brother to hammer some tacks in her. Or use his whip. I can’t believe whips weren’t on the top toys list for Toys R Us this year. Ah, the good old days when you could give your kids fun stuff like whips, hammers, and lawn darts.
The next song really confuses the heck out of me, but it does lend credence to the theory, sported by my then four-year-old daughter Thing One, that Santa works for God. Something like middle management, I guess.
Exhibit C: Here Comes Santa Claus
Hang your stockings and say your prayers
Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Why do we need prayers? Are these prayers that Santa is okay, or prayers that Santa leaves our house untouched?
Santa Claus knows we’re all God’s children
That makes everything right
We are? All of us? What about the kids who are other religions? Do they not count? I thought Santa was Pagan. When did he convert? I’m really confused here. Maybe Fox News could explain this to me a little better.
So let’s give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight
We’re thanking God for Santa Claus? So then – God created Santa? But wait, if Santa’s not real, then is this song lying about God? I mean, talk about a way to mess with a child’s mind there. Or does Santa just hire out maybe? Like he works for Pagans sometimes, and Christians sometimes, and Muslims sometimes, but this particular song writer just assumes that Santa is Christian? If this isn’t a Fox News Christmas Song, I don’t know what is, you guys. Let’s thank baby Jesus for sending us white Santa Claus who stalked us and snuck in our houses and gave us weapons, la la la la la! Yay!