Last chapter! Last chapter!  Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter.  I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages.  What the hell?  Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time.  Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was.  There is an Epilogue.  Okay.  Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages.  I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps.  The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.

This is the swirling vortex James has sucked us into.

Wait just a fucking second.  Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view.  In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there.  Thank God for whoever leaked that book.  But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.

Okay.  I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me.  Wrong choice of words.  Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus.  I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?

Moving on.  There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care.  Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father.  I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father.  The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her.  And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones.  Run, Mrs. Jones, run!

If Christian starts sparkling, all bets are off. I’m trashing this book.

Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago.  Nevermind, not going back to look.  They go see the new house.  Blah blah.  They go have a picnic.  Blah.  Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde!  Who gives a shit?  Not me!  He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana.  Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by.  They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.

Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.

Last time, kitty, we swear. RIP.

She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again.  My head hits the desk.  End Chapter.  Begin Epilogue.  Crap in a hat.

OMG, James actually skips a few years.  Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list.  Bestseller.  Sigh.  Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild.  You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever.  But, um, she’s pregnant.  I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses.  Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?

WTF???

It gets worse.  I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe.  After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”

Alice right about now.

Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap.  Blah blah.  And then . . . oh geez, why, why????  Okay.  Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them.  Just wait.  Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James?  Seriously.  There is something seriously wrong here.  Please say she doesn’t have children.

I will never be able to eat one of these again.

One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END.  Except NOT.  There are still pages with words on them.  First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old.  It’s as fascinating as it sounds.  Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view.  Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper.  I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE.  DONE, do you hear me?  DONE!  I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.

“That’s all.  For now.”  Good grief.  She even ends it with a threat.  But at least it ENDS.  I’m going to have a drink.  Or ten.  Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it.  You guys are the best, and all get As.  Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.

WOOOOOOOOOOOT!