WordPress just warned me that they have a new editor planned. WHY? I just now figured out this one and it’s been . . . a while.
Speaking of WordPress, long ago in blogland we used to pass around these blog awards and I would collect them obsessively and call them “blog bling”. I also considered stealing a certain one, since all you have to do – technically – is copy / paste it off a more fortunate person’s blog. That would be the Freshly Pressed award that I eventually got by insulting the editors of WordPress in a post. There’s a bit more to it than that, but no matter now since it is passe because they have Editor’s Choice or something like that. I don’t know much about it since I don’t have a lot of blog friends competing for it. So big deal, cause this award’s name is not nearly as stupid, (I do not think of a mammogram when I hear it) so I reject it, unless some editor wants to give it to me. I’m RIGHT HERE guys, and you know WordPress I noticed when you never responded to my suggestion that my booger post be given an award. Do you not read your tweets? I find this unprofessional, WordPress.
I was getting somewhere, oh yeah, I was given the Liebster award by blogger anupturnedsoul. I forget who or what a Liebster is, but this one award is super cool because it asks lots of bizarre questions and I love answering questions that concern myself. (You should check her blog out cause she likes me, which makes her amazing and crap.) So here goes!
What is a question? What does asking questions mean to you?
A question about a question? It’s like an English major wrote this. Or a philosophy one, since it was taken from The Philosopher’s Magazine.
What is a question? That’s easy. A question is the answer on the game show Jeopardy. What does asking questions mean to me? Asking questions is a great way to learn something new and / or annoy another person. Like when I asked this nun in my college class repeated stupid questions like “Do you have more than one color of habit, like for special occasions?” She was very patient.
What is an answer? What does an answer mean to you? How far will you go to get an answer?
Haha, I did not see this one coming. Naturally an answer is a question on Jeopardy, which I almost never get right. Like who cares where Monaco is, it’s like the size of Dallas or something. An answer means someone has actually solved something, like say the Trump investigation. There are no more answers, only questions like WHYYYYYY? How far will I go for an answer? Wikipedia. See above for question definition.
What would you do first in this situation?
Each option has an interpretation attached to it which you will find by clicking over to : What Would You Do First in This Situation? The Result Can Reveal a Lot About You – there are additional questions asked by the site which are: How accurately do these characteristics describe your personality? Do you agree or disagree with all the descriptions?
This one annoyed me, because how can it be a personality test when most answers just mean you’re kinda dumb? If you do anything besides go to the tea kettle (does anyone still have one of these?) you are risking a fire. The baby’s fine in the crib another minute, the dog has already ruined your furniture, and the corded phone (we still had one of those until recently) call is probably a telemarketer cause those are the only people who call on a home phone.
But these guys say “If you’ve chosen the kettle, it can mean that you’re a passionate and rather quick-tempered person. You make decisions quickly without doubts, and nothing will stop you from achieving your goal. You can quickly get bored with monotony. You care about your safety and don’t like surprises. It’s easier for you to follow a clearly defined plan without unexpected twists and turns.”
Yeah, I care about safety, like not having the surprise of a fire, though you know not having things on fire can be rather monotonous so maybe I should have let the kettle go after all. Cause I cannot decisions to save my life, which is why maybe I should have chosen the baby because then I’m a calm and resourceful person who sacrifices myself for others (like in a fire) and enjoys quiet evenings with my family which I should note does not include a baby. Yet if you pick the baby up first and then go to the kettle and the dog, you burn the baby and get its head chewed off by the dog. I’m assuming you’d still be holding the baby since it’s not going to just get calmed in its crib fast enough for you to escape the fire, the rabid dog, or that relentless ringing.
It’s possible I have overthought this question. Nah! Okay so if I choose the dog it means I’m a material girl who doesn’t like a mess, and if I choose the phone I’m a great communicator who can multitask (not likely with a corded phone) in which case why didn’t I grab the dog, the baby, the kettle, and then answer the phone? The answers have no questions and the questions no answers and we’re right back to question one!
How would you convince me that you are real and not in my dreams? (borrowed from Philosophy Cambridge Interview Questions)
I’m not real. This is a dream. Or IS IT?
What is your favorite word? (Q borrowed from English Cambridge Interview Questions) Why is it your favorite word?
Once upon a time, whence I covered 50 Shades of Crap, my blog’s top search word for the year according to Google was “crack whore”. This is not my favorite word, though, nor is crap, no matter how many times I use it. It’s a tough choice, but I think my favorite word is “stabby”, as in “I feel stabby today”. It may not be in the Oxford English Dictionary yet, but if they added “hangry” I think they can add “stabby.”
Also, since this is borrowed from interview questions, what kind of interview asks what your favorite word is? Are they wondering if you will blurt out “stabby” like I just did, so they know you’re a serial killer and can casually mark through your name on their list? I’m so curious.
What does the following illustrated story mean to you? If you’re not sure – What was the first thought which popped into your mind about it?
Oh, wise Tarzan, er Tanzan, teach me more about how to avoid sexual harassment lawsuits! I mean, the first thought that popped into my head was “Oh like that monk is so great.” cause that’s how my mind works. Actually, though, I think it’s trying to say that the student was worrying about the teacher mucking up his mind cause his was mucked up – ie get the two-by-four out of your eye before you pick at mine, you brat. I count people who go through youth books line by line looking for subversive material among these.
Which god or goddess from mythology would you be and why? (Q borrowed from a comment on anupturnedsoul’s blog – Two Narcissists in a Relationship? – a personal story)
Ooh, I know this one! Nemesis. She’s not as well known as say, Zeus, but I like her cause she’s the Greek goddess of revenge. Her job is to exact revenge for “hubris” against the gods, or in valley girl speak “She like thinks she is like SO GOOD.” Some people say you shouldn’t want revenge and you should live well, blah blah, but I think that’s because they couldn’t get away with it and besides, if I was Nemesis, this would be my job. Like, nothin’ personal. Hey, did you just run over your neighbor’s cat and think nothing of it cause you are so special with your corvette? Sorry, but Whiskers is going to haunt you for the rest of your life, buddy. Turn around – Whiskers. Go to bed – Whiskers. Take home a date – Whiskers on the couch waiting with his red, creepy eyes.
Not that I’ve though much about this.
If you could be someone else, real or fictional, for a day, who would you be and why? What would you learn from being them? (Q inspired by Fandango’s Provocative Question #1)
Last question, you guys! I would be Donald Trump. No wait, hear me out! I would grab my buddy Mike Pence and we would travel to Antarctica to visit with the penguins and those Eskimo guys. We’d miss the plane back – I’d only have to tell Mike that there was a woman on there if he protested. Then I’d go back to being me, and Donald and Mike would learn to live with the Indigenous peoples until they kick them out within days and then they would learn to live with penguins. Sorry, Donald, you don’t always get to be in the middle. You have to share warmth like all the other Emperor penguins. And outside people would be all “Yay!” until we get someone else stupid in office. What would I learn? In Trump’s brain, I’d probably have lost information more than gained it. I am willing to take the risk for my country.
Okay, so that’s the end I promise! Anyone still with me? I am supposed to ask eight questions of someone else, but my brain is fuzzy. I don’t know eight bloggers, but anyone reading I would LOVE to see answer these questions cause they are so fun. I’m going to check out anupturnedsoul’s other nominees and their answers.
Stay tuned as I explore the many bizarre versions of Mary Freakin’ Poppins!
Some posts take me a while to write. Well, actually it takes me longer for me to find idiot pictures to stick in the middle of my word walls than it does to write the post, but whatever. And then there are posts I throw up in minutes. These are the posts that get lots of response. Naturally. So when I wrote about boogers, (Link Drop!) it should come as no surprise that people liked it. So I figured – that’s what this blog needs. More boogers.
I also felt that my booger post, being so intellectually stimulating, should be submitted to Freshly Pressed. So I submitted it myself by tweeting it on Twitter.
Someone had to do it. Just like when I was playing Goldfish’s madlibs contest and I voted for myself. But I did like some other entries too so I went to another computer and voted for someone else. As it turns out, voter fraud pays off because I won third place! Woot! Check out my badge.
Anyway, sadly I did not receive a response from Freshly Pressed. This made me sadfaced. Clearly booger posts are underrepresented by Freshly Pressed editors. They need to get on the ball with that. But until they do, I have come up with a solution. Yet another badge of my own. This would have been perfect if I had remembered St. Patrick’s Day was Monday and posted it then, because the badge is all green and lucky. Here it is.
I know, the craftsmanship on this baby is awesome. I would have used one of my personal boogers, but it wouldn’t scan very well, so I just made a drawing of its likeness. Cool, huh? Anyway, I’m storing this baby away with my Creeper and Douchecanoe Awards, just in case I find a thoroughly stupid and repulsive, I mean fascinating and intellectual post to give it to some day. Just wait! It might be you!
How do you get picked? Easy, just pick something to write about that’s fun and bouncy, and just a little bit salty. Don’t be shy, just let it all hang out. Or just write about boogers. Or something else disgusting. And then – woot – you can have this baby bestowed upon you. I know. Who could ask for anything more? Except possibly a Kleenex?
Do you guys have any posts worthy of a Freshly Picked nod? If so, send them to me, Alice, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or just link to it in the comments. Or forget all about it. You’ll be glad you did.
So you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole . . .
Hi, ho, it’s Kermit the Frog. I mean Alice. Sorry to disappoint. I wanted to welcome all my new readers. Hey. Come back! Where are you going? There is some great stuff here, if I can just dig it out. Wait, that’s a gum wrapper. Hold on a sec.
When I found out I had gotten Freshly Pressed, I realized that my blog was a mess, so I did what I normally do when someone unexpected visits my house. I shoved everything into closets. See those categories on the right? Closets. There’s stuff in there, but I haven’t the faintest idea what. There’s also categories up above. I’m pretty sure you can find more about my somewhat unhealthy obsession with 50 Shades of Crap up there. If you dare. If you’re even more daring, you can look under the Children’s T.V. reviews, but I warn you. Dora and Bob the Builder are there, and even worse, that scary freaking Cyclops cucumber from Yo Gabba Gabba. Yeah, that’s a show.
I have another closet entitled “My Mad Tea Party”. That one’s safe. I shoved all my friends and their blogs in there. Check them out. I’m certain I’ve left some off because I have ADHD which makes me
Anyway, you can also try checking the comments. Anyone brave enough to comment here is worth checking out. Also, anyone who comments is automatically enrolled in Smut University, where I am the one and only professor. My class is 50 Shades Flunked, and we’re covering 50 Shades Freed. I am fully qualified to teach because I have multiple degrees (no, seriously, I do). The way to get ahead here is to comment (i.e. participation). You can also try answering my questions, but your answers don’t actually have to be correct or anything. There are many other students, though some of them may not realize they’re enrolled. So like a real university, pretty much.
Usually my classes are on Mondays, but I’m a bit behind with the pressing business. Also this real life of mine has been endlessly entertaining what with my husband getting pneumonia (making this 3 out of 4 family members who’ve had it), my mother having knee replacement surgery, and our plumbing exploding. And I have a job, but don’t worry, I rarely let that get in the way.
I do plan on getting my lesson plans done as soon as possible. Meaning as soon as I can stomach another chapter of the Dumb and the Brainless. There’s a new feature I have planned as well, thanks to the success of my Epic Quest post. I’m going to post on my weight loss quest on Wednesdays, since that’s the day you get over the hump (supposedly). As far as other posts, I’m not sure. I did ask for audience participation, which means you are free to suggest crap for me to cover. Clearly I will do almost anything here.
I know there’s something I’m forgetting . . . oh, yes, Sad Pony and Squirrel. You might be curious about those two. You might be tempted to think they are just pictures of animals and not real but DON’T. Ponies and Squirrels are very real, thanks very much. I’m sure you’ve seen them. Sad Pony is just another pony, only he’s sort of depressed. Especially since people keep mistaking him for Eeyore, who is a depressed donkey, not a pony. And Squirrel is somewhat hyper. You’ve probably seen him racing across telephone wires on his way to another Squirrel kegger party up in your attic.
I guess that about covers it. Well, it covers what I can think of at the moment. Stay tuned, it will be interesting. Or something.
Alice has been pressed
I just got the email today – it was in the JUNK FILE. Always check your junk file, guys. Today’s post, Epic Quests and Crap will appear in the next day or so on Freshly Pressed.
Alice is kind of speechless now. Savor this moment.
Sour Grapes and Whine
Exciting things have been happening in my blogger circle. Le Clown did the impossible. He got freshly pressed! We were still reeling from someone getting pressed that was actually im-pressive (do you see what I did there?) when we heard that his lovely wife Sara had also been freshly pressed! Talk about weird odds! Not only that, she was pressed for a post on the clown’s serious site, Black Box Warnings, which is really cool because it calls attention to medication issues. As someone who often has knee jerk reactions to those that are anti-meds because of personal experiences, I have seen a little of both sides and this site has made me rethink a few things. Don’t you hate it when people freaking make you think? Ugh.
Well, it gets even weirder. Two more of his followers, Rollergiraffe and Bumble Files were also pressed! In fact, if you look right now, Le Clown, Sara, and Rollergiraffe (I hear her name is Jen) are all on the same page. I’ve never seen so many blogs I know and actually like on a Freshly Pressed page before. And not one of them wrote about cooking or photography or cooking photography. Amazing.
I am so very happy for all of these people, especially Le Clown and Sara because they have done so much for the blogging community and brought many of us together in their insane little circle. It’s about time they got paid back for all their effort. And I say this not because I actually consider them bloggy friends (we are still, like bloggy friends now that you’re famouser, right?) but because I mean it. I’m not exactly a nicey nice person for the heck of it.
Which is sort of my problem. For while I am genuinely happy for my friends, I admit that there is a part of me that is well, you knew this picture was coming up right?
Remember the old cartoons with the devil and the angel on a person’s shoulders? The angel says “Yay, you should be so happy for your friends!” But the devil says “You’re so jealous you can’t see straight. It’s not fairrrrr. Hey, uh, want to make a deal? I have this bald puppet friend that’s good with curses. Just FYI.”
It’s a terrible battle, isn’t it? The green-eyed monster really likes me. He’s been hanging out since I was small. It’s not a fun thing to admit that you can be a jealous little twerp. But here I am, admitting it. It’s one of my faults that I struggle to overcome. Hey, that was totally an epiphany. That’s like, something they might put on, I don’t know, some site that shows impressive blogs, you know? Where are my food pictures?
I’m getting off track. I do know I’m not the only jealous little twerp because up until this week Le Clown has been making awesome badges like this one.
He thumbed his nose in the face of Big Brother WordPress. Bah, WordPress! Le suck, WordPress! What’s this, I’m freshly pressed? Whooo-hooo! (BTW this is exactly what I would do.)
So now we are short one Robin Hood, one who stands in the face of the Big Guy, who robs from the rich blogs to give to the poor blogs. We need a new hero. I think I’m just jealous and whiny enough to fill that role. I’ve even got an official badge now that Le Clown has
sold out been conducted rightly into the WordPress Hall of Fame. It’s a lot of responsibility, but if that little twit Spiderman can do it, so can I.
You know, unless I get Freshly Pressed. Then you guys are totally on your own. But since I have the ultimate confidence in thyself, I doubt this will be for a while, so get used to your new self-proclaimed champion. Besides being a petulant wanna-be, I also fight zombies. I’m pretty well-rounded for a hero. Or heroine. No, that sounds like a drug. Why do female versions of words sound so bad? Like Master / Mistress? What is up with that? Anyway, make that hero. I am your hero, so no need to hold out until the end of the night cause I’m strong and I’m fast and I’m fresh from the fight. Get it? Fresh. Also larger than life. And totally original too.
It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it. You’re welcome.
Update: Madame Weebles was also pressed. I
hate love you guys.
Gold Canadian Unicorn Badge Found Here!
Did I mention that I won that blogroll contest? I mean, recently? Well, guess what? Le Clown made badges for us and this is the best, the absolute best part. There’s a freaking UNICORN on them. It’s not even a stupid clown, guys, it is a unicorn! I am so happy.
It is the most awesome badge ever. For one thing, it is way prettier than the Freshly Pressed badge. I mean, sure, you get the honor of being Freshly Pressed, but is your badge gold and shiny with a freaking unicorn on it? It’s not, is it? No? Losers.
It’s already on the margin of my blog, with a link to Le Clown. I am fairly certain he didn’t make these badges because he is trying to lure new victims into his clown cave of doom. Then again, he’s Canadian, and you just never know about those guys. Sure they act all peaceful, but do we really know what they’re up to over there? People should be prepared. I am. I have a gold seal with a unicorn on it. Also, I’m on the Zombie Apocalypse Task Force (thanks again to Love and Lunchmeat – that’ s her name. I don’t know why, you have to ask her. She gave me a badge too.) and so I feel pretty secure. Not that I’m saying the Zombie Apocalypse would start in Canada, but then again, would there be a more perfect place for zombies not to be noticed?
Speaking of Canada, there is also a Canadica badge out there, linking to the new blog where they talk about the United States and how Canada is not technically one of our states. You can learn so much on the Internet. Anyway, without further ado, here is my fabulous gold unicorn badge.
I know. You’re jealous, right? Of course you are.
It’s amazing how much time you can waste trying to figure out how to outfit a blog. I think I’ve spent less time picking out my clothes. Actually, I know I’ve spent less time doing that. People at work will tell you so. Anyway, last night I decided to personalize my blog some because that seemed like an efficient use of my time. (By the way, do you like the new background? That only took 2,394 hours for me to figure out how to do!)
Here’s the thing, though. I’m still technologically inept. I didn’t grow up with computers, at least not like we have today. When I was a kid, we had the Apple IIc and we were HAPPY, dangit. We had floppy disks that stored like .000000001 bites of data each. This computer came with unique games, like this one where you made tiny little apples fall into a bin. ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT EXCITEMENT PEOPLE. But still, we were satisfied, because what the heck did we know?
If you’ll notice, WordPress, I have been nice in my post. See, no dirty words yet! I don’t care what Sunday School says, “dangit” doesn’t count! Anyway, I am really hoping that someone knows how to do some of this stuff I’m trying to do because I have looked at your help site and it wasn’t much help. For one thing, there’s a lot of reading there, and who has time for that crap? (Crap is also okay, because that is a bodily function, am I right?) I need some help here, so I’m just going to post my questions, because when you put questions like this into the search box, for some reason you don’t find answers. Here we go.
1. How do you put a pic from your blog into the little box beside your name – the one that appears when you post comments? You know, the box thingie. WordPress doesn’t recognize “box thingie” in its search feature. Anyway, I know about gravatars, which frankly sounds like some sort of kidney disorder, but I can’t get it into the box. If you scroll over the box, you see my pic, but then it just goes back to that lame G for gravatar. Or worse, sparkles, and I don’t like sparkles, not after Twilight, you guyz. So help me out here because I’m already at maximum level for frustration, and you don’t want to see Librarian Rage.
2. My subtitle is white, and the background is white, so now you can’t see my fabulous subtitle (down the rabbit hole). My millions of viewers are going to get eyeball strain. How do I change the font type? How do I change the color of the font? How do I change the size of the font? Or do you have to pay for that? Cause if you do, that kind of sucks.
3. At one point, I swear there was this diagram thing where you could design where you wanted to put stuff on your blog. Now I can’t find it. I wanted to put a little note about the site where I found my original Alice in Wonderland pictures, because the originals are 1,000 times cooler than the Disney ones, no offense, Walt. The site is called Lenny’s Alice in Wonderland site (btw he knows how to put the picture thingies by his name too!) But I can’t put a note on my blog about it, nor can I put up my own copyright notice. Because I just KNOW there are people wanting to steal my stuff but it is mine so no you can’t you guyz! Plagiarizing is not cool, unless you’re pretty sure you can get away with it and make millions of dollars. Anyway, I need to know how to put that stuff on my blog. I wish I could just write it on the screen. That would be easier, but might affect the monitor’s performance. I dunno.
4. You know how some people have the static page (not like static electricity. A page that stays there. I think.) that has links on it so you can easily hop to that post so you don’t have to read any of their other crap? Saying they have crap you don’t want to read? Yeah, how do you do that? Because I’m willing to bet there are people who would prefer to skip a lot of my crap. I want a page with links. Like Speaker7 has on her page (although I like reading all of her crap) that lets you jump to whatever recrap you want. Like the one where Hugo / Christian puts playdough balls up Goofy / Ana’s “down there”. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, then you should go see Speaker 7 because I’m busy here, people. Also, and this has nothing to do with WordPress, but you should know anyway because you want pics from us all the time, right? How do you write on photos? Like thought balloons making people say stupid stuff. I need to know how to do this.
5. Why do you call the posts you pick “Freshly Pressed”? That makes me think of mammograms. Just wondering.
Okay, I think that’s all for now. Thanks in advance.
WordPress! A Challenge! Carrots!
As you probably know, WordPress offers a weekly writing challenge. I thought I might try it out, because hey it’s a blog post and they hang that “FP” carrot over your head so effectively and I am not obsessed about that at all. Anyway, I need some help deciding what to do. Here is the challenge:
So this week, we challenge you to step outside your blogging box and try something totally different:
Well, I write posts with photos and writing, so nothing different there. My fiction’s too long to post, and my poetry? Hahahahaha. Once they made me write a poem at a church ladies’ retreat. They thought I’d be great what with my English degrees. Here is what I came up with:
Roses are Red / Violets are Blue / Jesus is great / And so are You.
Fabulous, I know. On the plus side, they never asked me to write poetry again. Anyway, they do offer some more suggestions below. I added my own commentary to it:
Need a little more guidance? Check out these post types, and pick one. Don’t opt for something that seems immediately doable; go with something you’ll have to work at a bit:
I think I got everything here.
Yeah, so anyway, what do you think? What would be out of my “comfort zone”? Do I have a “comfort zone”? If so, why would I want to leave it? I’m just so confused. I ask you Freshly Freshly Pressed peoples for assistance, for you are the chosen ones. And I’m sure you know why they chose the particular posts they chose rather than the millions of other wonderful posts you have written before. Not like there is anything random about it at all.
Any suggestions? If so, feel free to use the comment section below. Or don’t. See if I care.
P.S. Yes I do care. Comments please. Or I’ll keep drawing carrots. I might even write a carrot poem.