Welcome back!  It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today.   Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past. 

These guys are pretty freaking looking aren’t they?

This week, I have decided to divine fortunes based on the prophecies fortold within the wrappers of Dove candies.  This could not have been accomplished without the unwitting help of my coworker’s candy dish.  I managed to steal 12 candies from that desk.  How?  Here’s how.

This little guy comes in very handy.

Since some of these fortunes are needlessly complicated, I have added my expert commentary to each one.

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Dove candy wrapper say: Now, time for chocolate relaxation.

Alice say: How exactly do you relax chocolate?  Melt it?  Give it a drink with one of those little umbrellas?

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20   

Dove candy wrapper say: Treat yourself today

Alice say: Eat something better than a Dove candy.  Like 12 Dove candies.  For a good cause.

I just ate a Dove chocolate and am suddenly relaxed omg it is a miracle did they start putting sedatives in these?

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Do all things with love

Alice say: All things?  Like hail a taxi?  How do you do that with love? 

 Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor

Alice say: Faceplant in front of everybody.  You’ll make an impression.  (Do you get it?  Do you?)

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Open your eyes to all the love around you.

Alice say: My eyes are open, Dove candy.  All I see is laundry.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor

Alice say: Dove candy fortune writers are super original.  I think E.L. James writes them.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You should charge for your great advice

Alice say: Don’t worry about degrees.  Just throw “Dr.” in front of your name and you’re golden.

Advice with a side of snark comin’ up.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Dove candy wrapper say: The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.

Alice say: The more Alice asks for bling, the more bling her readers give her.

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Ignite your sense of adventure

Alice say: Don’t ignite your adventure around flammable objects.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Dove candy wrapper say: You know what?  You look good in red.  

Alice say: Dove candy wrapper says you can eat more candy.  You’ll still look good.  Trust them.

Because Santa is hot, yo.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Dove candy wrapper say: Chocolate therapy is “Oh, so good.”

Alice say: Heck with psychiatry.  Just eat chocolate.  And then become a Scientologist.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Stir your sense of pleasure

Alice say: Alice is not going to touch that one. 

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!