Tag Archives: George W. Bush

Flaming Turkey Wings!

So Black Friday is over.  Oh yeah, and that other day too, the one with all the food.  We had our Thanksgiving dinner, just my family and my parents.  Oh, and our dining coordinator, Thing Two.  Every event is a massive event with my nine-year-old daughter, no matter the holiday or the number of people involved.  Sometimes it’s not even people, but a stuffed dog, a Barbie modeling Kleenex, or Darth Vadar.

She set the table for us with paper cups and plates festooned with cute turkeys.  I’ve never figured out why they make the turkeys cute.  I mean, they are seriously ugly birds, which makes eating them easier.  So why cuten them up?  That’s just cruel.  Anyway, she set the table with paper (we are seriously classy here) and marked our names on all the tiny cups.  Because with six people, it’s possible we could get mixed up.  Actually, considering my family, that’s not such a bad idea.  She added “Papa the Awesome” to my father’s cup.  He tends to spoil her with lots of stuff.  She’s no dummy.  To finish it off, she placed Sonic mints at each of our plates.  Sadly, she still did not receive a tip, but she made up for that in rolls.  I’m not sure how many she had when my back was turned.  It might have been ten.

See, I'm cute!  Don't eat meeee.

See, I’m cute! Don’t eat meeee.

Thing Two also made menus for us – with a line drawn across to indicate whether each food on the menu was awesome or not.  And she fixed up the Happy Thanksgiving message on the banner.  She marked out “happy” and replaced it with “merry” on the theory that if people think it’s Christmas at first, they might be tricked into recognizing Thanksgiving.  We’re pretty sure she’s either going to be a teacher or a politician.

None of the stores thought of this trick, so most people went with the theory that Thanksgiving was just that quick meal you shove down before shopping.  As George W. Bush would say, “Ask not what your country can do for you, go shopping.”  I actually did brave Wal-Mart a couple of hours after the Thanksgiving specials started, mostly because my husband and kids were watching “Pumpkin Chunkin’” which is a show where grown people create trebuchets just like in medieval times, only they’re hurling pumpkins instead of fire bombs or rotting corpses.  But sometimes they just use good old American guns.  As enlightening as that sounds, I decided shopping was actually better.

Yes, those are grown men shooting a pumpkin out of an air gun.   (Photo by David S. Holloway/Getty Images)

Yes, those are grown men shooting a pumpkin out of an air gun.  God bless America.
(Photo by David S. Holloway/Getty Images)

By the time I got there, most of the hordes had already dispersed, though there were still plenty of people milling about mooing at the merchandise.  It was like if they blocked my way and stared at a box of toys long enough, whatever they were looking for would suddenly jump out and land in their arms.  If they were looking for anything at all.  It was hard to tell.  With the depressing, hypnotizing Christmas tunes in the background (“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” – I hate that song) I started to forget what I was looking for pretty soon, and after a while found myself mooing along with the others, picking up cheap pajamas, only to randomly drop them off somewhere else because I didn’t have the money and knew nobody that size.  I’m sure the Wal-Mart employees were grateful for that little Easter egg hunt I left them.  Just trying to keep you guys sharp.  You’re welcome, retail employees.  Please don’t egg my house.  Moo.

I paid for my items, which somehow totaled up to a large number, even though they were, hello, on sale.  I tried to figure this out with what was left of my brain, gave up, and went home.  My husband thinks I spend too much on my children.  That’s not true.  I spend too much on myself.  It just so happens I let them play with the toys.

I really only put this picture here to point out how bizarre it is.

I really only put this picture here to point out how bizarre it is.

The next day, there were leftovers at my parents’ house.  One could say I invited myself over, just in case they were left with too much food.  I’d hate for them to resort to the “flaming turkey wings” recipe in the days to come.  No, I didn’t cook myself.  If I had, our Thanksgiving dinner would have consisted of chicken nuggets and mac n’ cheese.  This would have been fine with Thing One who eats roughly nine different food items, but not most people.  If the time comes for me to host a dinner, we’re getting a pre-cooked turkey.  I think that is safest.

So now it’s all over – except wait, it’s Cyber Monday.  What  am I doing writing a blog post?  I must stare at merchandise on the computer screen now!  Hope your Thanksgiving was all that.  Tell me about it in the comments, if you’re not busy staring at amazon.com.

Advertisements

50 Shades of Seuss

List of X wrote a post about what books might be housed in the George W. Bush library, so in the comments, naturally, our conversation turned to Dr. Seuss and 50 Shades of Grey.  He then (this is his fault, remember) suggested that I try to put 50 Shades of Grey to one of Dr. Seuss’s (Can you believe he didn’t know Dr. Seuss before me?  The SHAME.) classic rhyming tales for children.  Of course I couldn’t pass that up.  So here it is, guyz, yup, here it is.

Buttplugs and Jam

(to Green Eggs and Ham)

I'm so sorry, Dr. Seuss.

I’m so sorry, Dr. Seuss.

That Christian

That Ana

They will do it

Anywhere

*

They will do it on a boat

They will do it with a goat

They will do it on a plane

They will do in the rain

*

They will do it with buttplugs

They will do it while on drugs

They will do it with ice cream

They will do it in your dreams

*

They will do it with a fox

They will do it in a box

They will do it using balls

They will do it on the wall

*

They will do it upside down

They will do it round and round

They will do it on a pony

They’ll do it with macaroni

*

Yes with whips

And with chips

On a cross

Or with Kate Moss

With fingers, with floggers, with candlestick knobbers

They will do it here and there

They will do it everywhere.

I’ll stop here.  But there are so many more you could do.  Here’s a quick list of some of Seuss’s titles.  See what you can do.  I’m sure you could do even more horrible things to these poor books!

I can only imagine.

I can only imagine.

Hop on Pop

(umm)

The Butter Battle Book

(hmm)

Hunches in Bunches

(oh boy)

Gerald McBoing Boing

(writes itself)

Horton Hears a Who

(oh God)

There’s a Wocket in my Pocket

(cringe)

I Can Lick Thirty Tigers Today and Other Stories

(For all that is holy . . .)

No, I wasn't kidding.

No, I wasn’t kidding.

For more ideas, see here.  If you want to play, leave your submissions in the comments or shoot me an email.  I’ll print the winner in the next post!  Saying WordPress still lets me have a blog after this!