It’s been a while since I’ve written a Game of Thrones recap. If you need to catch up on earlier recaps, you can find them under the tab that um, says “Game of Thrones Recaps”.
Anyhoo, there are a lot of sayings that are bandied about on Game of Thrones. One is “Winter is coming”. Another is “A Lannister always pays his debts.” But the most important saying of all is missing. I quote from the great movie “Spaceballs” . . .
“. . . Evil will always triumph because Good is DUMB.” – Lord Helmet
Okay, on with the review. Woot.
First off, Tyrion stops off at Winterfell and is totes awesome, as usual. Really, they should just give this guy the whole damn show. Robb Stark (High Babysitter of Winterfell) is a snotty twit to him, cause he’s a Stark kid. Tyrion schools him on common courtesy, then presents a saddle design that will allow Bran Stark to ride horses again, saying he has “a weakness for cripples, bastards, and broken things.” Yeah, you’re pretty much surrounded by them, Tyrion.
Tyrion leaves and sees this kid named Theon Greyjoy (no really), who is like a prisoner of the Starks but raised by them because I don’t know, but Tyrion insults the crap out of him, which was funny.
Next we’re back at THE WALL with Pouty McPouterson, er, Jon Snow, who in case you forgot, is Ned Stark’s bastard. I know Jon doesn’t forget since he’s reminded of it in every damn episode. They get a new chubby kid, who the others name “Piggy” and oh oh, I remember another fat kid called Piggy and he didn’t meet a good end. Sure enough, they try to beat the crap out of the kid until Jon stops him. Playground politics at its finest, folks.
Back to Dany and the Barbarians. They reach the capital of Horse Land and Rat Nose (Dany’s brother, keep up) acts like a total asshat again. Surprise. That other white dude (Jor-El?) says the Dorkraki, fierce warriors, won’t go to Knot’s er King’s Landing cause they can’t cross the Narrow Sea because they are afraid of . . . salt water. Maybe Rat Nose should have looked this up before hiring them as an army.
Rat Nose takes a bath with this naked girl who taught Dany how to do the Lambada with Beefcake – no wait, that was another girl. Maybe.
Ned Stark, the King’s new right “Hand” gets stuck in another meeting with the Dream Team council, and finds out that the Tournament he didn’t want is causing all kinds of bloodshed, but hey the whores are walkin’ all bowlegged cause sex! So you know, business as usual.
Ned starts snoopin’ around to find out who killed the last King’s Hand. Um, Ned, this is how people in horror movies die. Just sayin’.
Arya, spunky younger Stark daughter, is balancing on one foot cause she’s gonna be the next Karate Kid. Dad says “One day you’ll get to be a nobleman’s wife! Fun!” She thinks that would suck. Smart kid.
Weasel Boy yammers about his spies and crap to poor Ned and says not to trust anybody. Well, duh.
More Ned snooping.
Jaime (half of the twincest) Lannister yammering to – someone. They might have said something important.
Dany gives Rat Nose a gift and he smacks her for it. But she hits him back saying that the next time he raises a hand to her he won’t have hands. Do it, do it, do it!
Back at THE WALL, Jon protects Piggy, er Sam, and they get kitchen duty. Jon says he’s a virgin cause he doesn’t want to make more bastards. Hundreds of fan girls offer to marry him and help him out with that virgin thing.
Dany starts to realize that maybe Ratnose won’t make a good leader. Duh.
Two dudes fight in a tournament. The huge one called Mountain kills the other one. Mountain is the big brother of the Hound. They have another brother named Flower they never talk about.
Queen Cersei and Ned playfully threaten each other.
Tyrion shows up at an inn where Ned’s wife is staying. She accuses him of trying to murder her son, and orders the men there to arrest him. Cause it’s always a good idea to publicly accuse a rich, powerful man of a crime when your husband has to work with this rich, powerful man’s sociopathic family. Ned’s wife is an idiot.
Oh, yeah a song – crap it’s gonna be hard to keep this up. Gilligan’s Island everyone!
Game of Thrones Island
Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of an idiot
Her name was Catelyn Stark
and she is such a stupid twit
She’s married to a guy named Ned
And that dude’s stupid too
He’s being all noble and soon
He’s gonna be all dead.
With Jon Snow, and the dwarf too
King Robert and his pycho wife
Buncha prostitutes and the demon seed
Here on Game of Thrones!
Season 1, Episode 4
Death Toll: 1, Some knight dude
Nakey Toll: 2, Dany’s handmaiden and, unfortunately, Rat Nose’s concave chest.
I have to tell you people – that was not what I was expecting in a cruise. Did you realize that Carnival had been having a wee bit of trouble lately? And by wee, I mean wee wee, of course. And poop. Poop deck took on new meaning on that fateful trip after the engines caught on fire and apparently burned down all the toilets. Or something. But it wasn’t all bad, because the passengers were given bags to poop in – sort of like treat bags from a party, but not!
The trip was so bad, the passengers were thrilled to dock in Alabama, folks. Carnival realized
this was a PR nightmare that they’d done wrong, especially since the ship had allegedly been having some mechanical troubles before all of this (oopsies!) and so refunded passengers their cruise fair, gave them 500 buckeroos, and best of all, gave them vouchers for a free cruise in the future! I bet they all couldn’t wait to use those!
Suffice it to say, I did not realize this had happened. I thought I was getting a super good deal. Since Carnival had to recall so many ships, they only had this one kind of creaky ship left. But hey, it was cheap and the crew seemed so friendly, especially that Skipper guy and his little buddy. So I went ahead.
This was a big mistake.
So we were just sailing around, a three hour tour they said. Got that? A three hour tour. And then this storm hit, and bang, the tiny ship was tossed, and I tossed my cookies right on this movie star’s dress. Then the ship crashed on a deserted island. I’m not sure how we managed to get to a deserted island when we were just going on a short tour, but I’m no navigator. Neither was the Skipper, it turns out.
So we all got out and unloaded our luggage. There was this millionaire couple aboard who had a ton of luggage, but not quite as much as that movie star gal. Just how much did they need for a few hours? I’m not sure why the millionaires were on this cheap cruise. Or the movie star. They were really big whiners. The millionaire guy hit his head and kept mistaking me for his “lovey”.
There was also a girl named Mary-Ann who wore pigtails and chased after this professor guy. I don’t know what his name was. They just called him the professor. He was pretty cool, inventing all this crap while we waited for Carnival or somebody competent to come rescue us. Of course, I couldn’t quite figure out how this professor guy was able to build us all huts and stuff in a few hours but couldn’t fix the boat. Eh, no matter.
The worst part of the voyage, though, was this Gilligan guy. He kept screwing everything up. Eventually, we had a meeting about it around the campfire and voted him off the island. The hard way. Then we ate the s’mores that Mary Ann had thoughtfully packed for us. That Skipper guy ate way more than his share.
Just when I thought were going to start voting more people off the island (my bet was on that millionaire and his wife), we saw a plane! Yes! Rescue! Sadly, no. The plane crashed and all these weird people got out. We had another meeting and voted off some of the most annoying people right away. The doctor got to stay, because doctors are useful, and not because he was cute. We also kept that Sawyer guy, because . . . well, because. But that girl annoyed me, so I went all jiujitsu on her. (Oh, yeah, the island had special powers. One guy got to walk again and I got ninja moves.)
I was really starting to dig my new superpowers too, but then an actual rescue ship spotted the burning plane wreckage and had to come and save us. As it turned out, the people on the plane were already dead, and so were my fellow cruise members, so apparently I had spent a few days in Purgatory without even knowing it.
But all’s well that ends well, and I did finally get home and vowed to never leave the comforts of my trusty computer again. I will start back with my somewhat irregular (snicker) posting (Monday / Wednesday / Friday) on Monday, with the latest recap of 50 Shades of Poop Decks. Oh, and, yes, this story is totally true. So glad you guys warned me about Carnival with your cryptic messages (How was I supposed to unlock those puzzles? Bring a porta-potty? Am I some sort of wizard here?) You guys are swell. To thank you, I have some free cruise tickets, if anyone wants them.