21 Days of Gratitude: 3 in 1 Blow
Get it? Thanksgiving = gratitude? Also Squanto was hot.
So I’ve fallen behind in my gratitude stuff, blah blah, bite me. I’m determined to get through every one of these (aren’t you happy?) Let’s see, what was Day 3?
Day 3: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.
I just know what some people would write here. God. I’m grateful to God cause like I exist and He hasn’t started another flood in spite of the Tea Party, etc etc. You know what I think? Total cop out there. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against God at all. I just have something against people who feel they constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, have to tell everyone how much they love Him. It’s sort of like the guy who is always going on and on about how wonderful and perfect and speshul his wife is. If he’s been married to her over 24 hours, I’m looking for the girl in the closet.
Note: You show love for people (and the god you worship) in how you LIVE not just in what you SAY. That being said, I’m so so grateful for my readers! You guys are awesome! Even the spambots!
(cough) Cop out.
Okay, fine, that’s a no-brainer too. Obviously I’m grateful for my readers. Just like I’m grateful for my Things – especially when they are hilarious and clever and, at times, out of my hair. So I need to use my noggin to come up with something different. And I did. Not only that, it takes out two days of gratitude with one stone!
Day 4: Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life.
I didn’t put the quotes around negative. What do they mean by “negative”? Are we talking “dog doo on the shoe” vs “terrorist attack” or what? Nevermind. I found something that answers what I’m grateful for even though it’s a definite negative (no quotes needed).
I am grateful for E.L. James.
WhyAlicewhywhywhywhy someonegetadoctorsheslostitforgoooood!
No, I’m serious. I am thankful, in the negative, for her because if she hadn’t written such crappy books, I would not have been compelled to make 1,000 posts mercilessly mocking them (and her) and so would not have been noticed by someone else mocking her (Speaker 7 – rest her soul) and would not have gotten my hilarious, inspiring readers. Which I really am grateful for, along with God (please don’t strike me down).
Okay, so 3 and 4 are done and now we’re on day 5. Hurrah.
Day 5: Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you can’t possess-instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.
I’m watching you, Alice.
Five minutes? Am I supposed to time myself, cause I type pretty fast. Also, has anyone else noticed that this is getting a bit repetitive? How many times do I need to be grateful for the same things? And another thing – notice that grateful is not spelled like “great” but like “grate” which is something that like covers vents and stuff? I always have to hit spell check on that one to make sure I’m right. Maybe not after this exercise.
I also considered that this would be a good way to show off to other people, especially if you post these suckers on Facebook or something. For example:
I’m grateful for my 1,000 inch flat screen TV, my XBOX 7500, my 5 million buckaroos in the bank, my handsome and virile husband, my perfect straight A, gorgeous, athletic children, the LORD, my house in Malibu, Ronald Reagan, brown paper packages tied up in string, kittens, and the less fortunate people (ie the rest of you) because you make me feel superior. Amen.
I could do that, but I won’t. I, Alice, am thankful for all the wonderful things in my life (how long have I been writing now?) like fuzzy socks, electric blankets, and those family and friends I live with and chat with (like my Wonder Twin!) and all that stuff. And also my FABULOUS READERS who will most definitely leave me lots of comments now.
Alice.
Yes, Virginia, there is Devil Yoga
I have to thank List of X for this post. He sent me a link to an article about a politician who thinks Yoga could “open individuals to Satan”. That’s good, because you know how much Satan hates picking locks. Haha, yeah I’m not kidding. In fact here’s the link. It gets better. This guy, E.W. Jackson, is actually the Virginia GOP candidate for lieutenant governor.
photo courtesy of politico.com and Satan
Let me take this moment, Virginians, to thank you for temporarily taking the place of Texas as stupidest state in the union.
I have to hand it to this guy. He does insane really well. So much so that quotes from his book (yes of course he wrote a book) Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life were pasted up on the conservative website The National Review. When The National Review makes fun of you, that’s a bad sign, man.
Still, I thank him, because without him, I would still be ignorant of the Truth about Yoga. Jackson says you should beware of “emptying yourself” with yoga. I don’t think I’ve ever emptied myself with yoga. That sounds rather unsanitary. Still, he warns against this because Satan “is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it.” I think you’re a little confused there, buddy. It’s not your soul that’s the empty vacuum, it’s your brain.
Beware: the Noo Noo will suck your soul.
He adds “this is why people serve Satan without ever knowing it or deciding to.” Really? Does this mean I could be serving Satan right now? With my Downward Dog? Hey, Satan, check out my butt!
Jackson also thinks that “most people are dead spirits.” That would be the voting public, right? He might have a point there, especially if they vote for him. I was intrigued by Mr. Jackson, so followed the link back to The National Review where Betsy Woodruff took delight in posting up these tidbits from this amazing book. Thanks, Betsy, cause there’s even more fun to be had here.
He warns us that the end times are near, and I believe he might be right because he both managed to write a book and run for political office. But a few more things have to happen first. In his words “Part of what must happen during this period of great harvest for the kingdom of God is a massive wealth transfer. It is not going to happen by theft or governmental policy. It is going to happen supernaturally. Those invested in God’s market are going to reap a windfall. Make up your mind now to buy in.”
Benjamins from Heaven!
Wow. I am excited, yet confused. I mean, I certainly want to rake in the dough as it sayeth in the Bible, but I didn’t realize we could buy stock in God. When is this wealth transfer taking place? Silly me, I thought it already had, as 1 percent of our nation holds the majority of the wealth already. Maybe he means that this wealth is going to be transferred to us poor people? This makes sense, really, if you consider the Rapture. Since so many wealthy people also believe themselves God’s elite, then maybe when they are yanked up into Heaven, all this money will just be layin’ around for us. Don’t forget they’ll be leaving their Ralph Lauren duds as well. We are going to be rich and stylin’, folks.
Satan, get thee behind me, cause I’m waitin’ for my windfall. While you’re back there, can you tell me if my butt looks big in these yoga pants?
Alice
P.S. And another thing, Satan. Please explain to me Mr. E.W. Jackson, because I’m fairly sure you have something to do with this moron.
Religion and Politics with the Things
Before I start this off, I’ll disclose that I am a lib’ral agnostic. Or pinko commie, whatever you want to call me. My husband is a big time Protestant (it runs in his family like Lupus). He also votes Republican. I swear he didn’t when we met. He said he didn’t care about politics, which to me translated as “ready to be converted to Liberal Democrat.” This didn’t work out so well. We also decided to raise the girls in the church. I figured they’d have an easier time of it than I did if they just believed what everyone else did (We live in Texas). Of course, I forgot they also had me as a parent. I honestly try not to push them into any one belief, whether political or religious, because I know that has the ability to backfire like nothing else. But some things they’ve come into on their own, or somehow absorbed in other ways. Observe some of their wisdom.
Comes spit. But also wisdom.
“If God created everything, who created God?” – asked by Thing One at around age 6 while I was driving down the road. My answer: “Good question!”
“This kid called me a hippy. I think hippy is only an insult to Republicans” – Thing One
“Republicans. Pfft.” – Thing One
“Our president is BaraaakObahhhma.” – Thing Two
BaraaackObaaaaaahma, everyone.
“We had a class election. I voted for John McCain cause he broked both his legs in the war and I feel sorry for him.” – Thing One, age 8.
“Today our teacher finally got mad and yelled at our class that Obama was NOT going to make us go to school on the weekends so shut up about it.” – Thing Two
Jesus: If you want to be baptised, I will have to dunk you in this well.
Woman: Oh, okay, what?
Thing One: You must be submerged to be fully baptized and go to Heaven.
Me: What about Moses? He was in a desert.
Thing One: That was before Jesus.
Me: Okay, what if YOU were in a desert and there was no water. Would God reject you?
Thing One: (annoyed) Mommmm, you’re making my head hurt.
See Thing One fact check.
At a book fair in 5th grade, Thing One chooses a biography of Obama and announces loudly, “I’m going to read this to find out what’s true and what’s not. I’m tired of these dumb Republicans being so mean to him!” (I’m thinking, hahaha, you mean the Republicans that are totally surrounding us?)
My child, the faith healer.
When Thing Two was four, her preschool teacher caught a cold.
Thing Two: (walks up to the teacher, puts a hand on her arm) Jesus will heal you. (then walks off just as mysteriously)
Okay, okay, I’m getting on with it!
I’m putting on makeup one morning. Thing One is around ten, I think.
Thing One: Vanity is a sin.
Me: That hardly seems fair. I mean, should a vain person go to the same hell as someone who murdered lots of people?
Thing One: (thinks about it) Maybe there should be an in-between place for some.
Me: You mean like Purgatory?
Thing One: What?
(Meanwhile I can’t wait to tell my husband she’s now Catholic.)
Coming right up . . .
Thing One: The teacher asked us to say which things we didn’t want in life. I chose wealth.
My husband: Wealth is not a bad thing.
Thing One: Dad. The Bible says it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than a rich man to get into Heaven.
Zing!
Absolutely Nothin’.
The anti-war song “War” comes on the radio.
Thing One: Mom, it’s a Democrat song!
Wait, you got your god in my god . . .
Thing Two (age 7 or so) comes out of Bible class with a coloring page. She shows me her picture of a religious prophet done up with a Trident and waves of water.
Thing Two: Look, Mommy, I made him into Poseiden!
Me: Cool! Don’t show Daddy!
Too many thoughts . . .must lay down.
Thing One (up late one night): Mom, sometimes I lay awake and I wonder about God and how can all this be real and what’s really going to happen to us when we die and stuff. And these thoughts just go all swirly in my head.
Me: I’m sorry. You came by it honestly.
Did I hear a wordy-dird?
I’m trying to get the kids ready for school.
Me: Get the heck out of bed!
Thing One: In Sunday school, they tell us that heck is as bad a word as the other one.
Me: Then I should have just said hell, huh?
Penguins ARE beautiful.
Preacher talking to the children: Kids, what is the most beautiful thing you can think of? (prompting them to say Heaven)
Thing Two (at age two): Penguins!
Later we get a newsletter from the church. The preacher laughs about how a kid said chickens were beautiful. Thing Two is incensed.
Thing Two: I SAID PENGUINS!
50 Shades of HELL?
You know, there are a lot of reasons I hate 50 Shades of Grey. And if you read my blog, you will discover that I’ve complained about this book more than is probably healthy. But one thing I haven’t complained about is the possibility of this book leading people to Satan. That’s a new one for me.
Speaking of Satan, anyone else watch “Days of Our Lives” in the 90s? I did because I was a college student then and it came on at noon. Perfect lunch fare, if like crazy with your burger. My favorite storyline had to be the one where Marlena was possessed by Satan. Anyone else remember that one? Just me? Eh, well, no matter, it was awesome. See there were all these murders and stuff happening in Salem and everyone figured it was no-neck Stephano cause who else caused trouble but it wasn’t it was SATAN acting through psychologist (that always made me giggle) Marlena. You could tell she was possessed because of the impressive yellow contacts and the disembodied voice. It was a whale of a lot of fun.
The devil was too scared to possess Sami.
But some people didn’t think so. Namely the Catholic Church people. They were pretty mad about this, even though just a week before that storyline started teenage Sami drugged her sister’s boyfriend, mutton headed Austin, into sleeping with her. Not a blink on that one, but Satan? Yeah, they were pretty annoyed. In the church’s defense, I will admit that Satan appearing in a soap opera is not as common as drug induced sexy times appearing on a soap opera, so I’m sure they felt they had to pick their battles.
But what does this have to do with 50 Shades of Grey? Well, see, there are some religious folk that do not want women to read this because the sexy times in this book might lead women to sin. So it’s kind of like Sami reading 50 Shades, getting possessed by the devil, and boinking her sister’s boyfriend. That’s what they are afraid of here. Well, kind of. In case you think I’ve just gone off the deep end, I do have links.
First up is this one from buzzfeed about the Christian backlash against 50 Shades of Grey. Dannah Gresh, a Christian author, thinks reading this book is a form of adultery against your husband. Oh, okay, so – say what? She says, “anything other than my husband creating arousal in me would be missing the mark of God’s intention.” She also argues that reading stuff like this could cause women to not be able to enjoy sex with their husbands. I don’t know, I think one reason why women are reading this book is because they already don’t enjoy sex with their husbands. I don’t think Gresh has to worry about me, though, because I find the book about as arousing as dental floss. So my soul is safe.
Could it be . . . SA-TAN?
The next article is even weirder. Sally Quinn of the Washington Post thinks that women have found God in Christian Grey. I didn’t realize God was into that sort of relationship. Quinn says, “We all live in our own Red Room of Pain (private hell) for some part of our lives. Fifty Shades shows heaven can exist as well, and shows us a way to experience some of that overpowering bliss on earth.” I don’t think so. If anything, these books prove there is a Hell and we are in it right now.
Finally, there is this article that has really made the rounds with people. A hotel owner decided to replace all the Gideon Bibles with copies of 50 Shades of Grey. He wondered, “. . . about the sense of providing a book, the Gideon Bible which no one reads, and many dislike, in the bedside cabinet of our hotel bedrooms, instead of a book which everyone wants to read, such as Fifty Shades of Grey.” Wait, what? Look, I am far from the most faithful gal out there, but I think I’d be trading my copy in for the Bible. At least the Bible is written in complete sentences. And not once in the Song of Solomon, which is pretty steamy with all the pomegranate talk, does either lover say “Jeez, that’s hot.” Bible 2, 50 Shades 0.
Anyway, I just want to say to my faithful friends that they really don’t have to worry about 50 Shades of Grey. It’s stupid, but I’m fairly certain it’s not Satanic. Then again, I’m still puzzling over how this book got so popular with women when it is so awful. Could it be? Maybe they are right after all. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Don’t read the book. Read the fabulous recaps on the Internet instead. You’ll be glad you did.
aliceatwonderland 