50 Shades Flunked: Back to School
Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades
I have decided to switch things around a bit. I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books. At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers. This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever. Here’s how it works. There may be additions / changes as needed.
Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off. Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky.
Plot (hahaha) Points
Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)
Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)
Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)
Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)
AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)
FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)
BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)
WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)
The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter. Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun. For instance:
Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)
Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?
A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.
B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.
C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once. She is awarded a medal of honor.
Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below. The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter!
Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes. Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face. Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face. At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling. Who can resist that? Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!
Alice Goes On Vacation
Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long. I’m thinking a weekend. And I’m not going anywhere. I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day. Probably two days away is my limit. If I can handle that. Of course I can handle that. It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.
Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs. It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well. But that’s not all! There will also be a contest and quizzes too! I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you? Just me? Eh.
I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities. How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help? You’re welcome.
But wait, there’s MORE. I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog. And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation.
So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday. Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket.
Love and kisses and crap,