Tag Archives: help me

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Eleven

Oh, good-y it is our first 50 Shades lesson of the New Year!  Try to hold onto that fresh, clean feeling for a few more minutes, cause it’s gonna be gone very soon, my friends.  At the end of the last chapter, our value-less valiant heroine Ana had arrived home to find Christian in those jeans hanging off his hips in that way, if you know what I mean.  Which I don’t.  He told Ana he’d been waiting for her, which from anyone else would mean “I’ve been waiting for you so we can hang out and stuff” but from Christian means “I’ve been waiting for you so I can murder you and stuff.”

My butcher knife and I have been waiting for you, Ana, bwahahahaha.

My butcher knife and I have been waiting for you, Ana, bwahahahaha.

But first the answer to the last tricky multiple guess question!  Ana’s secret word (everyone scream when she says it!) wasn’t popsickle, although she did use that earlier and it was oh so clever cause once she said Christian’s package was like a popsickle if you remember and if you didn’t look how I grossed you out.  And it wasn’t “feminism is dead” although that seems to be the general theme of this book.  Which leaves “red” as the secret word.  I say secret, cause there is no such thing as safe in these books.

Well, most people didn’t really try to answer the question, which is fine since I don’t pay much attention to the answers, being the totally professional professor of smut that I am.  Twindaddy said “Do you really have to read this for school? If so, you might look into a transfer…”  I wonder if you can transfer out of classes you teach?  I need to look into that, except I don’t think I could get anyone else to teach this without some of Ana’s marital aids being employed.  Bonus point for twindaddy for the suggestion.

But I guess I should get to the actual recap. Yippee.  Okay, so Christian is looming over Ana so of course she’s like “OMG he is so hot” but also “Shit-he’s still mad.” (AnaFail) Look, I think certain guys are really hot.  But I have this little thing called self-preservation that tends to short-circuit the “he’s hot” response when there’s a problem such as, oh I don’t know, my fucking life is in danger! (WTF)  But Ana likes bright shiny objects and big hunky objects, so she’s just screwed. (AnaFail)  Let’s watch and see!

Christian is so shiny.

Christian is so shiny.

So Christian says Ana “defied him” and “went back on her word” by going out with a friend. (RedFlag) What a bitch!  And Ana says she just changed her mind, cause, you know, she’s only a woman. (AnaFail) She also points out that since she was out, she wasn’t there to be kidnapped, and Christian hugs her and is all Zomg I could have lost you and died a thousand deaths (again) and I’m all why?(AliceScreams) Why book couldn’t he have lost her?  I’d like to see that thousand deaths thing!

So then it’s all forgiven, right?  Wrong.  Christian says he wanted to punish her but he was like afraid he might hurt her (you think?) but Ana is all “I know you’re not going to beat the shit out of me” because goddamn it she’s a moron. (Red Flag, AnaFail) Ana wants to talk more and Christian presses his erection into her again (AliceScreams) and why do people not notice that thing saluting them all the time? (FacePalm)  They do talk instead of sexytimes at first, which is good and bad cause they’re so fucking boring either way. (BoredNow)  There’s some blah blah about why there’s security, but not much, cause there’s no reason Ana should know anything cause if she did she might do something right which would mean Christian couldn’t punish her for peeing on the rug and stuff.  (RedFlag, WTF)

My sentiments exactly.

My sentiments exactly.

So Christipoo distracts her by saying she needs to eat (AliceScreams) and blindfolds her (cause that’s what you do when you eat) and says he’s going to feed her. (RedFlag) I wonder if he has a gold plated highchair for her.  Don’t forget the bib, Christian, in case she spits up! And he feeds her crap and she gets all hot “down there” in her hot pocket and says her “50 Shades” (AliceScreams) is so “mercurial” (AliceScreams) and James I don’t think that word means what you think it means.  So he goes on with this, like, FOREVER and then says “playroom.”  Everyone scream with Pee Wee! (RedFlag)

There is some foreplay shit and mention of his “happy trail” (AliceScreams) and damn it if I hear that one more time I might consider burning this expensive Nook Color.  Christian cuffs her to the cross on the wall and this reminds me of when they crucified Jesus, except Jesus at least had the dignity of keeping his legs together.  Ana, however, is naked and spread eagled on the torture device. (RedFlag) My heart is all aflutter, you guyz.

For some reason, I thought this was the perfect image for this expression.

For some reason, I thought this was the perfect image for this expression.

So there’s kissing and sucking (lots of suckage in this book) and teasing and stupid shit and Ana’s going all wild, except he won’t let her have an orgasm. (RedFlag)  I guess it’s because he didn’t order her to, and she’s not sure how unless he gives the command. (AnaFail) He gets her to the brink over and over but pulls back and says “See how frustrating this is” and Ana finally figures out that oh, the psycho is getting his revenge on her with sexytimes. (AnaFail, RedFlag) So Ana finally says the secret word “Red” (everybody screeeeeaaaaaam!) and Christian is all “Oopsie!” and unpins her from the wall.  What a guy.  Ana sobs cause what a week it’s been with a fire, a car chase, an armed lunatic and worst of all a slutty architect messing up her charmed life. (AnaFail) Yes these are all really mentioned in the same thought.

But it’s all okay cause then they cuddle afterwards (What-the-everlasting-fuck?) and Ana says she won’t be so selfish and will call (WTEF) and Christian is all whew and says “Your lips are so soft when you’ve been crying” (WTEF) which I guess is why he likes making her do that so much.  That lip obsession.  Also he’s a psychotic asshole.  So while they cuddle he tells her more about the guy who tried to attack her, which is totally normal pillow talk, and that he had a ton of horse tranquilizer for Ana that will now sadly be wasted and the very important information that Jack was born in Detroit and OMG so was Christian! (WTF)  Was this a plot point?  Oh who gives a shit?  Chapter End.

Final Score: 100 – 46 – 120 = -66

What is Squirrel’s opinion of this chapter?

I'd rather have a nut up my butt than read this shit.

I’d rather have a nut up my butt than read this shit.

Brings new meaning to POP, doesn't it?

Brings new meaning to POP, doesn’t it?

Question 11: (Fill in the blank!)

Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.  There are multiple possible answers for this one!

But WAIT, there’s more crap ahead! We have two new students – twindaddy and Ramblingsfromamum.  At least I think they’re new.  Everyone say “Hi, Ramblings and twindaddy!”  “Hi, Ramblings and twindaddy!”  Okay, now shut up.  Jill and faith have maintained their lead, though Storkhunter and MissFourEyes are closing in from behind. Cough.  If you’ll notice, Miss Four Eyes received an extra bonus point from Sad Pony.  He mentioned something about a wild party on her blog.  I’m not going to ask.  Now without further ado . . .

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 32 + 3 = 35

faithhopechocolate 31 + 2 = 33

Storkhunter 29 + 1 = 30

MissFourEyes 26 + 3 + 1 Sad Pony Point = 30

Speaker7 22 + 1 = 23

Ravinj 21 +1 =22

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

TAE 7 + 2 = 9

Doggy’s Style  8

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

twindaddy 4 +1 =5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

ramblingsfromamum 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1