Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun. And Hell. Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things. I might have missed a war or two. I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post? Here we go!
North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.
Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race. He drops out – onto the floor probably.
We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.
“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” – Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney. Mitt Romney is making sense now. Be afraid.
Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate. People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.
Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo. Naturally he starts winning major states.
Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP. She takes a dive off the stage. Great times.
Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race. A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.
This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”
Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.
U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union. It doesn’t go so well.
Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.
Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist. Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?
Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate. Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave. Not when he can still annoy her.
Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?
Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder. Now what do we do with these VHS tapes? Thanks!
The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of “how do you work this thing again?”. Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come. Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!
Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary. His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful? Isn’t that “out” this election?
Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.
Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys? Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew. The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff. I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.
Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.
2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.
Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?
Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner. At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.
We still have the Wiener dog races. Check ’em out.
The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement. And say “Our bad.”
Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.” They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!
Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing. Trump says “Hillary did it.”
First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump. Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot. Hillary is giddy with excitement. She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.
Did I mention kittens?
VP candidates have debate. Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face. Trump’s reaction? Extreme jealousy of his running mate. Right.
Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women. For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.
Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs. Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.
Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style. Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler. Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.
Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate. Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom. He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?
Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.” Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.
I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room. I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while. I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.
Just 17 days to go till D day! But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?
Don’t answer that.
“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,
I can’t take it anymore!”
– Billy Joel
“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s. I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.” Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.
I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago. But I still stopped up way too early. So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens? Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good. Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015. There is a reason for this. No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such. I have split this post because it got so long. Like the past year. So, so, so long.
Oregon makes marijuana legal. Just in time.
Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President. wee.
The U.S. and Iran talk nukes. Or something. Whatever.
President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons. For prisoners anyway. Politicians on the other hand . . .
A gunman opens fire. At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more. I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.
John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party. Yup. SIXTEENTH.
Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York. I see foreshadowing for this year.
First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held. Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see. Also Ben and Carly. Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?
Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show
Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.
More people shot. To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax. Netflix looking much better.
McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”. No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.
Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.
Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples. It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble. Republicans make her a hero.
Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host. Humor is all that will get us through.
Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school. Guns = good. Alarm clocks = bad.
Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race. So does Scott Walker. Awwws.
Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.
Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007. But Obama is still a Muslim commie.
Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race. Who was he again?
Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing. Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.
That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race. No one notices.
World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.
Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.
At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom. Well that last one was just Jeb.
At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.
More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!
More people drop like flies from the presidential race. Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.
Terrorist attack in San Bernardino. Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure. Yet he’s still in the race.
Two other guys drop out though.
Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant. No more pudding for him.
“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate. Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run. Extra crispy crazy.
Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated. A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.
Zika virus appears. Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.
Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk. No really.
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes. United Nations gives them a pat on the back. Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”
North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.
Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk? can I talk NOW?) drops out. Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.
Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz. Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.
Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).
Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.
Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.