Tag Archives: Holiday

O Bleeping Christmas Tree!

Our Christmas Tree, Our Christmas Tree

It’s pretty and it’s quite stout

But if you don’t decorate it right

I’ll go and punch your lights out!

No, no, no, you decorate the tree, stupid.

No, no, no, you decorate the tree, stupid.

These are not the correct lyrics to the song.  I’m actually not sure what the correct lyrics are beyond “O Christmas Tree.”  For all I know they could be the same as the lyrics of “O Canada”, since I also don’t know any of that song except “O Canada.”  Yes, I could Google it, but why bother when you can find such fabulous news stories as this one?

I heard about it on the radio station this morning and looked it up.  This is one of those stories that really makes you believe in hope, wonder, and the Christmas spirit and I swear I am not making it up.

Headline: Deputies Calm Family’s Fight Over Christmas Tree Decorating

One of the women in the story was found like this by police . . .

One of the women in the story was found like this by police . . .

This story, which you can read if you follow the link, concerns a few related women.  Two of them started decorating the tree, another one came home and got mad they did it without her, and all hell broke loose.  Over a Christmas tree.  Ridiculous you think?  Well, I can totally believe this.  My family almost always gets in some sort of fight every single Christmas – it’s as much a tradition as pumpkin pie.  But I don’t think we’ve actually gotten into a fight over decorating a Christmas tree.

Now the library is another matter.  You would not believe just how important decorating is in a library.  This is a place where having certain psychiatric disorders, like say OCD, are of actual benefit to your job.  I can be rather obsessive myself, but rarely about anything regarding work.  Librarians can turn obsession into an art form – at least they can here.

We have a Christmas tree at work.  It has origami paper decorations that some librarian who no longer works here made who knows how long ago.  Each year they are flattened out and carefully hung up because being paper, they could tear.  Sometimes one of the librarians, I kid you not, irons the paper.  Anyway, my first year at this university, I thought decorating the tree might be lighthearted and fun.  How stupid was I!  This was serious business, people, and needed to be done a certain way.

OMG I am having SO much fun help me now!

OMG I am having SO much fun help me now!

For instance, you were not to put the swirly decorations on first.  That’s because the swirly ones were supposed to fill in all the open spaces (there were none) in the tree after the other decorations were put up.  I was informed of this when I mistakenly tried to hang up one of the swirly pieces of paper first.  This annoyed me, so I hung up the swirly ones first anyway, whenever their backs were turned.  Like I told you before – rebel.

It quickly became apparent that there were far too many cooks in this kitchen, but no way could you escape or you were abandoning everybody.  I’m not sure I’ve ever had the fun so thoroughly taken out of a project.  I decided not to help with the decorating after that year.  Considering what happened to that family in South Carolina, I think this was wise.  I’d hate to see the 911 call that would have inevitably occurred when I got caught putting up decorations in the wrong order.  It could have gotten ugly, fast, and we can’t have aggression in a library – unless it’s passive, then pile it on!

This, by the way, is yet another reason I think librarians drink so much at library conferences.

Do you hear what I hear?

I hear Christmas songs!  They’re everywhere.  Sometimes you don’t even realize they’re playing in the background!  Since I’ve made it a habit to pick on other songs with my song reviews, I think I would be remiss to leave out Christmas songs.  I like using the word “remiss”.

This morning I heard the song “Do You Hear What I Hear?” and I had all these questions, as usual, because I wonder about lots of pointless stuff.  These lyrics are kind of whack if you think about it.  Basically we’re talking a long game of “telephone” starting with the night wind and ending with a “mighty king”.  They’re all talking about Jesus – sorry, spoiler there.  But the first one to talk, remember, is wind.

Whoa . . . did anyone else hear that wind talking or did I eat some bad clover?

Whoa . . . did anyone else hear that wind talking or did I eat some bad clover?

Said the night wind to the little lamb

Do you see what I see?

(Etc)

A star, a star dancing in the night

With a tail as big as a kite . . .

Wait a second.  I mean, nevermind that the wind is talking, and talking to a lamb for that matter, but “tail as big as a kite?”  Did they have kites back in Biblical times?  I mean I know the Chinese invented them oh wait, Google search . . . there are birds called kites too.  But we’re talking something with a long tail, since you always see the Christmas star with this long freaking tail right?  So I think they meant the toy kind of kite.  Which is like, kind of anachronistic, though why I’m bothering with this at all considering the next part I don’t know.

Pretty long tail for a bird.

Pretty long tail for a bird.

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,

Do you hear what I hear?

Whoa, back up and explain this to me again.  The wind told you there was a big song in the trees . . .

Whoa, back up and explain this to me again. The wind told you there was a big song in the trees . . .

Hang on a second.  Okay, so the lamb goes on to tell the boy about a song above the trees with a voice as big as the seas.  That’s totally tripping right there, but here’s the kicker.  The kid doesn’t freak out about this at all.  He just totally takes it in stride.  Which begs the question.  Did animals just normally talk in Biblical times?  I mean, I think there was some tale about a donkey, and weird stuff did happen like say a bush spontaneously bursting into flame, but those were supposed to be unusual, I think.  So if this isn’t a normal occurrence, we’ve got one really laid back kid.  Anyway, the shepherd boy decides to spread the news to the king, because of course the night wind couldn’t be bothered to just deliver the message to everyone itself.

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king

Do you know what I know?

Yawn, peasant speaking . . .

Yawn, peasant speaking . . .

Like, how did the shepherd boy get to the mighty king?  I mean, he’s a shepherd boy.  Was he all surrounded in holy light or something, because I can see that getting a king’s attention.  But just some shepherd boy?  I can just see the king going “Hey, get back to your freaking flock and quit eating those shrooms, you brat!”  But okay, the kid gets an audience with the king somehow.  He goes on to say

A child, a child shivers in the cold

Let us bring him silver and gold

Wait, what?  First off, what the heck are silver and gold going to do for a cold child?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to bring him a blanket?  Or, say, let him hang in the palace where he could be warm?  But even weirder, how on earth did the shepherd boy get that a baby was born, a baby that needs silver and gold, from a lamb yammering on about big old songs above the trees?  I mean, wtf?  He sure deduced a lot from that nonsense.  Kid should be an English major.

Dude, I'm a baby.  What am I gonna do with silver and gold?  Chew on it?

Dude, I’m a baby. What am I gonna do with silver and gold? Chew on it?

So the king not only lets the kid speak, but does what he says.

Said the king to the people everywhere,
listen to what I say
Pray for peace, people everywhere!
listen to what I say
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light.

It was tough getting a signal in Bible times.

It was tough getting a signal in Bible times.

I have to say – I like this last part.  Pray for peace.  There is a new baby, new life, new hope.  It makes me want to believe this crazy story.  But I have to ask – where is Jesus now?  Is our world not in need of peace, goodness, and light more than ever?  Has he not seen reality television?  Or am I missing something important?  Maybe a child is being born right now that will bring goodness and light.  Or maybe it’s one of our own children.  I know Thing Two would be a good president if only because she likes telling people what to do and will not let up until you do it.

Maybe it’s none of these things.  Who knows?  I mean, this all started with an animal listening to the wind.

Do you hear what I hear?  Blarrrrt.

Do you hear what I hear? Blarrrrt.

An Alice Halloween Special 2013

Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer.  My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition.  Crap.

Throw the rock, Charlie Brown, do ittt!

Throw the rock, Charlie Brown, do ittt!

Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween.  If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.

I said prepare to be amazed!

As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea.  Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude.  I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor.  I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office.  You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns.  But guess what?  No doctor is EVER coming.  Unless you’re Catholic.  Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance.  Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.

Should you ever actually reach a doctor, you'll get her.

Should you ever actually reach a doctor, you’ll get her.

But I was talking about Satan.  He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill?  Whine, whine, whine.  Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing?  Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff.  They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable.  You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.

See all the cool stuff they get upstairs?

I was lazy so this is my representation of Heaven.  You might prefer the other.

So Satan figured out a way to get even.  He’d come up with a holiday.  It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical.  He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out.  It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it.  He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.

But Mommy I wanna be Hannah Montana!

But Mommy I wanna be Hannah Montana!

So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan.  He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models.  He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER.  Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers.  And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids.  You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.

All. Night. Long.

All. Night. Long.

Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan.  But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere.  And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France.  So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day.  Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.

My reaction to candy corn - and Halloween in general.

My reaction to candy corn.

Happy Halloween!