I hear Christmas songs! They’re everywhere. Sometimes you don’t even realize they’re playing in the background! Since I’ve made it a habit to pick on other songs with my song reviews, I think I would be remiss to leave out Christmas songs. I like using the word “remiss”.
This morning I heard the song “Do You Hear What I Hear?” and I had all these questions, as usual, because I wonder about lots of pointless stuff. These lyrics are kind of whack if you think about it. Basically we’re talking a long game of “telephone” starting with the night wind and ending with a “mighty king”. They’re all talking about Jesus – sorry, spoiler there. But the first one to talk, remember, is wind.
Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see?
A star, a star dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite . . .
Wait a second. I mean, nevermind that the wind is talking, and talking to a lamb for that matter, but “tail as big as a kite?” Did they have kites back in Biblical times? I mean I know the Chinese invented them oh wait, Google search . . . there are birds called kites too. But we’re talking something with a long tail, since you always see the Christmas star with this long freaking tail right? So I think they meant the toy kind of kite. Which is like, kind of anachronistic, though why I’m bothering with this at all considering the next part I don’t know.
Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
Do you hear what I hear?
Hang on a second. Okay, so the lamb goes on to tell the boy about a song above the trees with a voice as big as the seas. That’s totally tripping right there, but here’s the kicker. The kid doesn’t freak out about this at all. He just totally takes it in stride. Which begs the question. Did animals just normally talk in Biblical times? I mean, I think there was some tale about a donkey, and weird stuff did happen like say a bush spontaneously bursting into flame, but those were supposed to be unusual, I think. So if this isn’t a normal occurrence, we’ve got one really laid back kid. Anyway, the shepherd boy decides to spread the news to the king, because of course the night wind couldn’t be bothered to just deliver the message to everyone itself.
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know?
Like, how did the shepherd boy get to the mighty king? I mean, he’s a shepherd boy. Was he all surrounded in holy light or something, because I can see that getting a king’s attention. But just some shepherd boy? I can just see the king going “Hey, get back to your freaking flock and quit eating those shrooms, you brat!” But okay, the kid gets an audience with the king somehow. He goes on to say
A child, a child shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Wait, what? First off, what the heck are silver and gold going to do for a cold child? Wouldn’t it make more sense to bring him a blanket? Or, say, let him hang in the palace where he could be warm? But even weirder, how on earth did the shepherd boy get that a baby was born, a baby that needs silver and gold, from a lamb yammering on about big old songs above the trees? I mean, wtf? He sure deduced a lot from that nonsense. Kid should be an English major.
So the king not only lets the kid speak, but does what he says.
Said the king to the people everywhere,
listen to what I say
Pray for peace, people everywhere!
listen to what I say
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light.
I have to say – I like this last part. Pray for peace. There is a new baby, new life, new hope. It makes me want to believe this crazy story. But I have to ask – where is Jesus now? Is our world not in need of peace, goodness, and light more than ever? Has he not seen reality television? Or am I missing something important? Maybe a child is being born right now that will bring goodness and light. Or maybe it’s one of our own children. I know Thing Two would be a good president if only because she likes telling people what to do and will not let up until you do it.
Maybe it’s none of these things. Who knows? I mean, this all started with an animal listening to the wind.
Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer. My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition. Crap.
Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween. If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.
As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea. Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude. I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor. I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office. You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns. But guess what? No doctor is EVER coming. Unless you’re Catholic. Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance. Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.
But I was talking about Satan. He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill? Whine, whine, whine. Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing? Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff. They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable. You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.
So Satan figured out a way to get even. He’d come up with a holiday. It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical. He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out. It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it. He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.
So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan. He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models. He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER. Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers. And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids. You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.
Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan. But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere. And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France. So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day. Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.