Alice Watches TLC
Reality T.V. Just the name conquers up images of high-quality programming, doesn’t it? Haha. Of course it doesn’t. Reality TV is sort of like the Sarah Palins and Anthony Weiners of the political world. I mean, most of TV is pretty stupid and corrupt, but there are some shows much worse than others. And if you want to see the very worst of the very worst, look no further than TLC.
Since I consider myself highly sophisticated, you can often find the last channel I watched was TLC. That stands for “The Learning Channel” but really all you learn about is just how low humanity can go. If there is ever a 50 Shades reality show (yes, I know, I shouldn’t be giving this woman ideas), it will be on this station. I haven’t found it yet, but I’ve gotten pretty close.
Most people have heard of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” but TLC has “My Teen is Pregnant and So Am I”. Take that, MTV. Why have just one irresponsible person when you can have two! Or how about an entire family? Try “Here Comes Honey-Boo-Boo.” We saw her first on “Toddlers and Tiaras”, also a TLC show that featured psychotic mothers dressing their children up like tiny prostitutes so that their children could earn trophies and their love. One of the stars was Honey-Boo-Boo, a child from a redneck family with caked on makeup, hair extensions, and a diet consisting of go-go juice, a combination of Red Bull and Mountain Dew. Sure we knew about her, but what about her charming family? Well, say no more! There’s a whole show about them! Isn’t that great?
But, hey, don’t worry, they’ve got wholesome too. How about “19 Kids and Counting”, the show about the fundamentalist Christian family, the Duggers! They now have 19 children, and all of them shot right out of the mom’s uterus, as she proudly states in the opening credits! Because birth control kills babies! Or something! How does she do it, you wonder? Well, it helps to have older children who are forced to raise the younger ones while you and your husband are off busily workin’ on number 20, just like the Bible said to do.
How does all this stuff happen? I mean, we know how babies come into the world, thanks to “A Baby Story” which is kind enough to film women straining and screaming and pushing out babies to our heart’s delight. But how do the babies get made? Don’t worry, they also show that. They have a new show called “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. No, seriously, it’s a show. The first episode featured a couple who decided it’d be a good idea to have sex in a tree.
They kind of spoil the ending, what with the title having the word “E.R.” in it. The guy falls out of the tree and apparently breaks his manhood. What’s really great about this is not only was this couple stupid enough to do this once, they were then willing to reenact it for television. So it’s pretty clear that not all of us fully evolved from monkeys. There is a reason we no longer do this act in trees, you morons. Check out the video here at this site.
I was going to finish the post on that note, cause stupid tree sex seems like a good way to go out and all, but then I saw this post on Facebook about a woman eating a diaper. It has to have pee in it. No, I’m not kidding. This was from a show called “My Secret Addiction.” Guess what channel has this highly scientific show? Three letters, guys, and they ain’t CNN. Under the Facebook post, someone wrote “This is why aliens won’t contact us.” Oh, so true.
So why do I watch this channel? Why did I read 50 Shades? I apparently have some sort of masochistic tendencies. And a slew of other issues. I’m not sure all of what’s wrong, but maybe I’ll find out if I watch enough TLC. As long as I’m doing this anyway, is there a show you’d like me to recap? I’ll try out this voter thingy, and see what ya think.
What NOT to Name Your Baby
You know how some countries are so restrictive they actually determine what people can name their children? Every once in a while, I think that’s not such a bad idea. Here are some examples of names that get on my nerves.
A common name made fancy by adding random letters. If the kid’s name is Lindsey, for instance, don’t spell it Lynndzziee. It’s annoying, and they’re sure to end up on a stupid reality show like Bachelor Pad.
Trendy names. Please look around and see if there are a thousand other Emilys or Ashleys or Britneys (Brytnees?) out there before naming baby. Otherwise you’ll get a kid who continues to whine as an adult on her blog about how her name is common and she is supposed to use an initial after it, but she won’t, because they can’t make her.
Food names. Apple, Cherry, Candy, Cookie, Yogurt, etc. Someone might eat your kid.
Calling a child by its middle name. People will never get it right. Ever. They’ll be forever called by their first names. They will complain, like my mother and brother do.
Changing boy names into girl names. Ever notice how once a girl gets named something that was once a boy’s name, it forever becomes a girl name? For instance, Kevin is a typical boy’s name. First time you find a girl named Kevin, forget it. All older Kevins will have to deal with people thinking they’re girls. And they’ll whine about it too. I know my father does. We might just be a family of whiners.
Last names as first names. This is really popular these days. Especially the presidential trend. Kennedy, Madison, Reagan, Clinton, Garfield, Bush, etc. What happens if one of these people marries someone with that last name? Hello there, Mrs Kennedy Kennedy, how are you?
Weather Names. Stormy, Sunny, Windy, Rainy, Hurricane, Tornado, etc. If I want to know the weather, I’ll look outside.
Naming all your children similar sounding names. Nicholas and Nicole, for instance. It’s like the same freaking name. Or worse having a Britain, Braxton, and Breydon in the same family. Your kids really don’t have to have matching names. They’re not furniture.
Sparkly names. Rainbow, Star, Love, Angel, Destiny, Unicorn, Effervescent, etc. Just, stop, please.
Vampire names. Speaking of sparkles, if you want to saddle your kid with Edward, fine, but please don’t say it’s from that insipid book. Your kid will figure out he’s named for a fancy, prancy fake vampire his mom had a weird thing for and he’ll hate you.
Naming siblings for lovers. For instance, you have a boy and a girl named Romeo and Juliet. Why would you do that? It’s just icky.
Stupid nicknames. We can’t always control this one, but sometimes people purposely choose to call their kids stuff like “Corky”, “Rusty”, “Chuck”, “Spot” and the biggest offender . . .
Handing down awful names hidden in the middle name. There’s just no reason to give a kid the name Bertha, even if it’s Jennifer Bertha. Let’s just leave that one in the past, shall we?
Naming a child for the place where she was conceived. Would you want to think about your parents and, well, that when you’re a teenager? I didn’t think so. So no naming your kid First Street Diner, no matter how strangely special that place is to you.
So these are my biggest pet peeve names. What are yours?
Most Fascinating People of 2012: a Horror Tale by Barbara Walters.
Okay, so I was alerted early on by fellow blogger thelesbiannextdoor that one of the people on Barbara Walter’s Most Fascinating People of 2012 list was (drumroll) . . . E.L. James. The “literary phenomenon” E.L. James. After I was done cleaning up the mess from my head exploding, I discovered why James had made the list. Barbara Walters has lost her mind.
Why do I think that? Just because out of ALL the people in the world in 2012, she picked a hack author that made millions mostly off of morbid curiosity? Because that’s not all, folks! She also picked Honey Boo-Boo. Of course she did. It all makes perfect sense now.
There are many things I might call Honey Boo-Boo and James, but fascinating isn’t one of them. In a way, it’s fascinating how they both made this list, because they have a lot in common. Both are immature (although Honey at least has the excuse of being a child) and both are associated with porn. Honey dresses up like a tiny tot porn star, while James dresses up like a porn writer. But neither exactly fits the bill. Honey shouldn’t be in beauty pageants and James definitely shouldn’t be a writer. Of anything. At all.
So who else made the list? I looked it up here, on The Daily Herald. (http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20121207/entlife/712079991/) They aren’t revealing the whole list yet because they have to convince you to watch this crap somehow. But so far we know these people made this list:
One Direction (a boy band)
Ben Affleck (I think he’s, like, an actor?)
Gabby Douglas (Olympic gymnast)
Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State)
Chris Christie (New Jersey Governor)
Seth MacFarlane (“Family Guy” mentor)
So she’s picking a broad range. A very broad range. I would just love to be Hillary, wouldn’t you? I can just imagine how they told her. Hey, guess what? You know how you have one of the highest and most respected offices in the United States and stuff? We’re putting you on a show alongside a hack romance author, a redneck child beauty queen, some actor, and a boy band. Talk about an honor!
So what does Barbara think of 50 Shades? She says, “’50 Shades’ is to adults what ‘Harry Potter’ is to kids.” Wait, what? No, no. No, no, no, no, no. Look, I’m not a Harry Potter fanatic or anything, but I did read the books, and from what I could tell, J.K. Rowling actually does have some writing skills. Kids (and adults) loved the books because she had characters people gave a damn about, who grew and changed and, ya know, did stuff besides screw each other. E.L. James writes about annoying people you hate who boink like bunnies. Beyond the fact that both series made astounding amounts of money, I’m not seeing the connection here.
So what exactly is Barbara’s standard for this list? Barb says “We do not do murderers; we do not do embezzlers.” Really? Those are some standards there! How are people supposed to live up to them? And frankly, why stop there? I think I’d rather see a little embezzling and murdering. At least both of those acts take smarts and skill to successfully accomplish.
So am I going to watch her special? Of course I am, if I remember anyway. I tend to miss regular T.V. shows, what with all my time caking makeup on my eight-year-old. But if I make it, I’ll be sure to give you an update on the most fascinating person of 2012. It ought to be a doozie.
This just in: thelesbiannextdoor has a post up (also questioning Barb’s sanity) with a new award for yours truly, and some other people. Now I realize I said I wasn’t in it for the bling, but homemade gifts are the BEST! Of course now I’m supposed to make up my own award. And give her a lot of money. I’ll get right on that. Wait – I think Honey Boo-Boo’s on!