Merbear: No, Mildred, you smell like fish…stop!
Alice: holy hell that would have to sting wouldn’t it?
Merbear: Um…ouch…That means it is working. Feel the burn.
Alice: cleans the canal in the presence of mucus? Oh eww. wtf kind of mucus matter she got goin’ on there.
Merbear: I think I just barfed in my mouth a bit. Soda and salt? In your woo hoo?
Alice: seems an odd place to put it. Now butter I get.
Merbear: Now, don’t forget to douche with Lysol, says doctor never. My doctor told me not to douche, actually.
Alice: heck with the douche, I’ll just spray the can up there.
Merbear: I am full of inhibitions baby! Oh yeah, smell me!
Alice: actually, we tried that once at the library on a bunch of nasty videos and it was not good. Smelled like funk AND lysol.
Merbear: Funky junky.
Alice: I like how her ghost is all freaked out – but wait, your hoo-ha! Don’t let him touch your hoo-ha!
Merbear: Did you notice she has her hand upon her breast? Like, alas I am so horny.
Alice: well, someone’s gotta get her going – I’m guessing it won’t be him. He’s half done.
Merbear: Yeah, that is a pre ejaculation face if I have ever seen one.
Alice: Let’s hope he killed his germ life too.
Merbear: But Alice, men can’t douche! They suffer from other manlike issues.
Alice: But how will they insure their daintiness? Oh, right.
Merbear: Have no idea what they do, but those things don’t get hairless themselves.
Alice: True. Hey, no greasy aftereffect! That’s a relief.
Merbear: No, just broken skin. A bit of inflamed tissue.
Alice: good thing it’s not caustic.
Merbear: I use Lysol to kill poop.
Alice: Speaking of, remember that time I had the hoo-ha issue and then I developed a split personality and started robbing convenience stores?
Merbear: Yes, those were troubling times in Wonderland.
Alice: I’m sure it’s in one of those posts way back when. I was so full of doubts and inhibitions before I started shooting disinfectants up my va-jay-jay.
Merbear: It IS preferred 3 to 1.
Alice: But by who? The woman? The man? You know maybe that’s why my ex dumped me – I never douched with Lysol. Damn.
Merbear: Well, go out an get a bottle, and when you are done you can disinfect your toilet. never neglect your lady bits.
Alice: Right. You should check those parts out daily. Play around. Make sure they’re functioning jussst right. Maybe try a brush.
Merbear: I would so not use that brush after searing my insides with Lysol.
Alice: No pain, no gain. You have to be there for your husband, Mer.
Merbear: Ah, you are right. He deserves a fresh lemon scented koochie.
Alice: I wonder if pine sol would work in a pinch. Do I want my koochie to smell like a pine forest?
Merbear: Maybe there will be a unicorn sighting. Perhaps fresh picked cotton..
Alice: jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton!
Merbear: House of Pain. Poor Mildred and her hoohaa. Ghostly Mildred just didn’t have enough energy to fully manifest.
Alice: Yeah, but is it Mildred or ghost Mildred with the smelly um what word have we not used for vagina yet?
Mildred: I have bypassed a few, but I don’t think we used the holiest of holes.
Alice: Ah, that’s a good one
Merbear: Tinker either.
Alice: I wonder why she’s groping her breast. I mean, she really is.
Merbear: She likes boobs. Looks like Darren is not disturbed at all. They need names.
Alice: Yeah, I’m thinking he’s not taking time for a whiff when investigating her “down there.” Darren works well. He could be like three or four people at least.
Merbear: I mean, this seems to have been an awful scary plight for these woman, am I offensive, are the dishes clean, where are the kids. I mean, who needs that shit?
Alice: Kids . . . kids, eh. We’ll make new ones honey! Which is more disturbing a fishy smell or LEMON BLAST?
Merbear: Lemon fresh Mound of venus?
Alice: No, her flower. He put his stem in her pollen
Merbear: My husband said Venus Mantrap.
Alice: ooh that’s a good one. Will have to look up romance books. They have all the good terms.
Hey, once I accidentally sprayed my hair with lysol. True story. It was by the hairspray.
Merbear: Did it make things stiff?
Alice: It wasn’t stiff. I sure did smell weird, though. People were like, sniff, what IS that?
Merbear: You smell so germ free!
Alice: My brother laughed hysterically. I was still a teenager.
Merbear: I would have laughed myself and then sprayed myself too so you didnt feel alone.
Lemony fresh Wonder Twins!
Alice: Wonder Twins activate – with Lysol! You know, other me has been cheating with my husband and I was mad but then I realized I could go watch TV in peace. God I’m glad I didn’t live back then – what year is that ad?
Merbear: its 1950’s
Alice: ah well of course. How did these women survive? Listerine on your head, up your hoo-ha, lysol all over the place. Honey, what are you doing with the cleaning products OMG
Merbear: I know, how fucked up is that? yet, also cost effective.
Alice: suddenly I’m thinking of those swiffer commercials. like the bowling ball falling in love with the broom. Just wtf.
Merbear: bleach is sexy.
Alice: does that mean the woman was having an affair with the broom before? Cause it says don’t worry he wont’ be alone . . .maybe she saw Mr. Clean in the floor and got all excited . . .took advantage of that poor broom
Merbear: OMG HOT!
Alice: Erotic kitchen fiction
Merbear: Oh, write some!
Alice: After 50 Shades, anything is possible.
Actual headlines at Cosmopolitan.com today *:
Is the Sex Diet Legit?
It’s Coming: Obama Erotica
Hoo-ha smells that aren’t okay
Let no one say Cosmo does not have their hands on the . . . the throbbing pulse of America! This is um, hard news here, people. Since I am trying to lose weight, I figured I’d better check out that Sex Diet first. I think I could handle that.
And OMG, it is so totally legit because Dr. Oz (he’s a real doctor, supposedly, who used to be on Oprah’s show, not the actual land of Oz, although I did hear he successfully treated members of the Lollipop Guild) said so! See, evil carbs cause you to gain weight (cinnamon rollsssss) because they release feel good chemicals and you want more. Sex releases feel good chemicals too! Do you see the connection? I know, it’s like right there!
So our Cosmo reporter decided to bravely test this diet out (for science!) and reach for a condom instead of cheesecake. I do hope she doesn’t eat the condom. Anyhoo, she decides to do this for five days. On day one, she goes to work and watches a clip of True Blood and is so, um, satisfied, by the hot vampire that she no longer wants a donut! And I’m thinking, I want her job. And the donut.
Day Two she watches more TV, this time some show all about diners (sounds fascinating) and gets a craving for carbs and jumps hubby. Hubby must not be as good as the vampire, because she still goes out and gets chips later. Hmm.
Day Three she hears about cupcakes in the work breakroom and sexts her husband to keep her mind off of the cupcakes. Good plan. My husband would probably be like “wtf I’m trying to work” but hers begrudgingly gives her a little something and the craving is gone. Gone!
Day Four the deli brings her toast with her eggs. Oh, nooos! She jumps her hubby, though, and she forgets about food. I’m starting to think Ana Steele wrote this article.
The last day, she gets such bad cravings they have to use porn to stop them! I bet her husband at least likes the diet. Alas, it doesn’t work. So it seems the sex diet is off. Damn.
I guess she should have checked out some “Obama Erotica” instead. Now I like Obama, but I had never really thought of him quite that way before. Sure, I had that dream about him being my prom date (seriously) but that’s it. Well, guess what book pops to this reporter’s mind you will never guess! 50 Shades! Yes, because apparently this is another fan fiction (about the President?) getting all hot with Michelle in Hawaii. I think this person missed the boat. Clearly Clinton porn would have been more interesting, especially with all the multiple characters and whatnot.
Speaking of porn, I wondered if maybe my hoo-ha was alright, you know, smell wise. According to Cosmo, your hoo-ha (what do they call penises? I have to know.) has all sorts of smells. I’m intrigued. It can smell strong and musky (if you’ve just been to the gym or had sex with Squirrel), or fishy (if you’ve just had sex with ice cream.) Cosmo provides a helpful picture of cooked fish beside this part, so that you will never want to eat it again.
Odor number 3 is “chlorine-like or bleachy” and typically comes from gettin’ a little too personal with your laundry detergent. Or from a man using a condom. Odor four describes yeast infections as smelling like bread and the discharge looking like cottage cheese. Anyone up for some fish with a side of cottage cheese? Odor number five is “tinny” and happens when you stick canned foods in your nether regions. Or when you’re on your period.
And finally, odor number six is “sweet”. Apparently you do what you eat, cause different foods cause different hoo-ha smells (and tastes!) I’ve always wanted my hoo-ha to have a citrus smell, like my kitchen cleaner. So I’ll eat oranges and avoid the asparagus which apparently can give your hoo-ha an unpleasant aroma. If only Ana from 50 Shades would eat some asparagus then have Christian come sniff her hoo-ha. That would be great.
So you see, you can learn so much from Cosmo. Now I’m off to go curb my carb addiction with hubby just as soon as I freshen up my hoo-ha and watch Obama’s hot and heavy State of the Union address.
*You cannot make this shit up.
Today, reader, we’re in for a great session. A session with Dr. Flynn, Psychiatrist Man. I know I could use a visit with a shrink at this point. Although the only thing I can think to say at this point is whyyyyyyy? Just why? Why, why, why, why, why, why . . .
Pardon me. I managed to catch Dr. Flynn just as he was leaving the masked ball and he agreed to meet with me in his office late at night. He says he does this with all his clients. Also, he has a cage in his office instead of a couch. I’m a little suspicious but he says this is a “new kind of therapy.”
Alice: Dr. Flynn, I’m glad you made room in your busy schedule to . . . is there something hissing in your desk drawer?
Flynn: Possibly. How does that make you feel, Alice?
Alice: Let’s get to the questions. How long have you been Christian’s psychiatrist?
Flynn: Oh, it’s been ages.
Alice: Don’t you have actual records?
Flynn: Oh, no. While he’s talking to me, I just doodle on my notepad. See these are my notes from the last session.
Alice: That’s a pony jumping over a rainbow.
Flynn: Impressive, isn’t it? So I guess you’d like me to tell you all about Christian.
Alice: You can’t do that. There’s that doctor / patient confidentiality thing.
Flynn: Oh, posh. Christian and I are great friends. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me telling you how fucked up he is. He’s 50 shades of fucked up, you know. I told him that in our first session. I said, “Wow, you’re 50 shades of fucked up.”
Alice: Just . . . I don’t even . . .
Flynn: We had such a great time at the masked ball. First we ate. Would you like to see the entire menu? Or a list of all of the prizes offered for a meaningless drawing?
Alice: Why would anyone need to see that? You’re showing it all to me anyway. Of course you are.
Flynn: After we ate, there was this fundraiser. Worthy cause. Something about kids and drugs. Maybe it pays for their drugs, I don’t know. Anyway, they had a bidding war for a first dance with the ladies. I bid on his girlfriend, and then he bid more, and I bid more, and it was so much fun.
Alice: You . . . bid on your client’s girlfriend?
Flynn: Sure, why not?
Alice: Because you’re a freaking psychiatrist! You aren’t supposed to be friends with your clients, or spend time after hours with your client, and you sure as hell are not supposed to BID on their girlfriends.
Flynn: You are so closed minded, Alice. It’s not like I won her anyway. Christian bid 100,000 dollars on her, and I really couldn’t go over 25,000 dollars.
Alice: I didn’t think psychiatrists were quite that wealthy.
Flynn: It helps when you charge 50,000 per session. So after the bidding, I cut in on a dance with the lovely Ana. She’s such a beauty, and so smart too! Did you know she plays six musical instruments, speaks fluent Mandarin, and is keen on yoga?
Alice: I buy the yoga part, since Christian twists her into a pretzel routinely. The only instrument she plays, though, is her vagina, and she can’t even speak English well, much less Mandarin. Why would she need to speak Mandarin anyway?
Flynn: Because Ana is a special snowflake and can do anything! She can even dance while vaginal balls are stuffed up her hoo ha.
Alice: That’s the kind of skill you could put on a resume.
Flynn: Isn’t it? Ah, those crazy lovebirds are always being crazy! They snuck off a couple of times to bump and grind. I know because I listened at his bedroom door.
Alice: That is creepy and weird.
Flynn: They did have some trouble with Christian’s Mrs. Robinson. Cute name for his molester, don’t you think?
Flynn: She warned Ana to not hurt Christian, and then Christian called her and told her to quit bothering her.
Alice: I thought they were both at the same ball. Why call her?
Flynn: Because . . . well, next they had fireworks, and you know how Ana is fascinated by shiny things! She was so cute. They had security all around since Leila has been stalking them. But Ana was rightly most concerned about Mrs. Robinson, who passed her a note saying she’d beat her up if she messed with Christian and to, you know, call her.
Flynn: Oh, her car was also vandalized. Someone took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires and carved her name into the leather seats . . . wait, that’s a country song. No, someone threw paint on her car and slashed the tires. Of course that someone is Leila, cause who else would want to do that to Ana? Scary, isn’t it?
Alice: Not really.
Flynn: So they left, but later Christian called me so upset! He needed counseling because someone broke into his apartment! I told him to go in and check it out himself.
Alice: Good plan there. Last question. What do you think of Ana?
Flynn: Well, I just adore her, but not enough to go against Christian! That guy used to beat the shit out of his classmates when he was a kid. A real juvenile delinquent. Isn’t that charming?
Alice: Hey, that fits right in on that last question on my psychopath survey. I knew it!
Flynn: Well, it’s a good thing I’m not going to tell you about Christian’s issues, or we’d be here all night! Get it? That’s a psychiatrist joke.
Alice: No it’s not. Where exactly did you get your degree?
Dr. Flynn: Are you trying to call me an expensive charlatan? Because I’ll have you know I’ve got real degrees from ShrinksRUsUniversity.
Alice: That’s not a university.
Dr. Flynn: It is on the internet. See, I’ve even got a certificate.
Alice: That’s an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Dr. Flynn: Ah, well, university degrees are for elitists.
Alice: Uh huh. Well, I think that’s all the questions I have for you.
Dr. Flynn: If you ever need a shrink, give me a call, hmm?
Alice: Sure. I’m just going to, you know, back out of here slowly and watch you the entire time, ‘kay? Bye now.