Tag Archives: housewifery

What I have learned so far in my journey to cleanliness and hopefully allergy-freeness.

You must push the start button on the dryer or your clothes don’t get dry.

Forgot to start the dryer again, clothes still wet, just keep smiling, %^&*^*^*

Forgot to start the dryer again, clothes still wet, just keep smiling, %^&*^*^*

Even if you push the button, they still won’t get dry the first time because something is off with the dryer and one day your husband might attempt to fix it whether he knows how or not, but you won’t even try because you know nothing about the internal workings of devices.  For instance, electricity = magic.

Something is wrong with this dryer . . .

Something is wrong with this dryer . . .

The steam mop has attachments that look like a rifle.  It’s fun to fire but doesn’t necessarily get the cleaning results you want.

This ought to take care of that soap scum.  FIRE!

This ought to take care of that soap scum. FIRE!

Your family will actively plot against you and undo everything you’ve done.

Even the freaking dog cleans.  This is not a realistic family unless we are in Stepford.

Even the freaking dog cleans. This is not a realistic family unless we are in Stepford.

Your husband will continue to insist on doing things his way, ie keeping his clean socks and underwear in a drawer in the bathroom and wadding up clothes and shoving them in the closet.

Now YOUR stuff goes in the dresser, but mine goes in the bathroom.

Now YOUR stuff goes in the dresser, but mine goes in the bathroom.

Your husband will also keep buying used vaporizers that are coated in dirt and probably mold and were made in 1970 so you will never find the filters for it and he will say “The thing has filters?”  He will insist on using it.

Only five bucks!

Only five bucks!

You will keep forgetting to put on your dust mask and gloves (even though it’s fun to say “Paging Dr. Alice” and backing out doorways with your hands help up) because you got down and started scrubbing something and there’s no way you’re getting up again to get it. So you are breathing all the dust directly in when really you should be wearing the dust mask and not breathing at all.

Okay, ready to start.

Okay, ready to start.

The vacuum will not suck up everything.

Unless it's a Noo Noo.  I have yet to find one on amazon.

Unless it’s a Noo Noo. I have yet to find one on amazon.

When you vacuum curtains, be careful not to suck them into the vacuum cleaner.  It will suck those up.

Once you've sucked up the curtains, you no longer have to clean them!

Once you’ve sucked up the curtains, you no longer have to clean them!

It costs more to have them take dyes and perfumes OUT of cleaning products.

Well, you know, if you don't want to be safe . . .

Well, you know, if you don’t want to be safe . . .

When asked to clean, children must be monitored 24/7 so it’s like you’re just trying to manipulate puppets with the strings cut off.

Why did I wish them into real children?

Why did I wish them into real children?

Children will ask for breaks after five minutes of non-work.  They will not see the giant sleeping bag in the floor of their bedrooms.  They will suddenly have to go to the bathroom several times.  They will fight over who has done the least work whereas it is almost always a tie.

I vacuumed more than youuuu!

I vacuumed more than youuuu!

No matter how much you research before buying, your fabulous cleaning contraptions will somehow backfire.

Crap.

Crap.

For cleaning up messes, you’re about as well off to get one of these (and store him outside).

I call him Hoover.  Or Devil Puppy.  Take your pick.

I call him Hoover. Or Devil Puppy. Take your pick.