Elsa vs Hans: How to Reform an Election
Hello, again. In case anyone was expecting a conclusion, or just hiding in their blanket forts, I’ve had a headache going on since roughly the beginning of time. Or possibly this election. It is pounding, pounding like drums of war and it looks at pain meds like “Bah!” But nevermind my sinus / tension / help us all headache, I should wrap up the election in Arendelle. It’s so easy in fairy tales.
Yes, it’s all over in Arendelle! They have a queen! Why is monarchy suddenly sounding better to me now? Look at our good neighbors in Britain. I’m pretty sure at this point that Prince George and Princess Charlotte could govern about as well their politicians, and they’re toddlers. And just think, we’d be descended from King George Washington, and the worst scandal he faced was that cherry tree thing, and we’re pretty sure that was all a set-up.
I might be losing it just a tad. I mean just because the whole thing is over on Tuesday. Which is – two days from now. But no need to PANIC. We should instead be thinking of reform, saying we get through the next four years. Here are some ideas I had while my head pounded.
- No more campaign funds from donors or even the candidates’ own personal fortunes. Each candidate is given 50 dollars from start to finish to finance their campaign. I’m thinking some trips to the Dollar Store will be in order. Think poster board and lots of crayons.
- From start the finish, the campaign season can last, at maximum, 3 months, or roughly as long as the Christmas season. No more campaigning as soon as a president sits down. Shut up and start thinking how you’re gonna spread out that 50 bucks, people.
- No more special interest groups, PACs, corporations, or whatever the heck you’re called influencing the election. They’ve already got their 50 bucks, which is a good enough allowance, so do be quiet, they don’t care about you without your money.
- Media coverage cannot be bought by either party. That’s right, media, you have to find your own news! And just like high school students, you might try citing your work! There’s not going to be as much to cover, because they will only be here for three months, so you might want to shut off the news occasionally. It’s okay. We’ll get by not knowing if former Disney stars are planning to run for president or somehow else destroy their reputation for a few hours.
- Time to reform the electoral college. First off, by explaining how it works. That bad, huh? Maybe you should try to change it. You’ve got four years. Work it out.
- Only two debates. One for the primary, one for the actual election. No more than 5 candidates allowed on stage. I don’t care how they fight it out, no one listens to more than 3 or 4 of them anyway, so just 5 in the primary. If anyone acts like a brat in either debate, either by calling names or refusing to answer a question, he or she is sent to the time out hall of shame chair. If they do it again, they don’t get to come back. No more debate for you!
- Candidates are not allowed to say mean things about their rivals. We have to leave something for the media to do – all on their own. Candidates can only give detailed plans for beginning to solve stuff like poverty. Expect a lot of quiet debates until they get used to this.
- Politicians are only allowed to communicate via those old Mission Impossible tapes that explode after the message is finished. No more twitter or email ever again.
I know there’s more, so much more, but I’ll leave it at that. If you have anything to add, please do! You can find me at Blanket Fort, Alice’s living room, Alice town, 1234HELP.