Elsa vs Hans: 2016 Spooktacular Debate
Happy Halloween, guys. I’ve never really liked this holiday, even when I was little. Sure, I liked the candy, but they usually gave you those circus peanut things. Also you never looked as good in your costume as the girl on the cover, partly because they left out half the items she’s wearing, and partly because you weren’t the girl on the cover. But I digress, I have a fictional debate to run. They do wear nice costumes, though.
I would have added in a jump scare with either of our actual candidates, but since you never know what picture WP will decide to add to the preview, I’ll just stick to the evil hag who at least knows the issues that matter to her.
Boo! Where’s my beeping check?
Okay, off to the races. We have our first, and only, Arendelle presidential debate since this is Disney where the dream that you wish will come true.
First off, we have our moderator, Belle, because of course the only one who reads books would be stuck with it.
Welcome to the debate. Let’s try to be civil here.
Wishful thinking, Belle. Next comes the introduction of the candidates, who walk on stage in their usual subtle style. Here come Prince Hans and Queen Elsa.
So sorry. Someone forgot my fog machine.
Politics never bothered me anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Right. So first question is for Elsa. You have a bad history of causing environmental problems. What do you have to say about this?
Well, I was born with these ice powers so my parents locked me in my room most of my life and then they died so when I got out I . . . well . . . this ice storm happened.
Her sister annoyed her and she let loose with these freaked out icicles that nearly killed us and then the entire kingdom fell into a nuclear winter. I know, I was there.
In all fairness, this was a long time ago and I have my powers totally under control. Let it go, Hans.
Except for the time you had that cold and created millions of tiny animate snowballs.
My health is fine now. And we found a nice home for the snowgies,
Yes, they are totally safe up on the mountain with the abominable snowman you also made. And then there’s Olaf . . .
Moooving on. This one is for you, Hans. You are accused of trying to murder Anna and Elsa in order to steal their kingdom. How do you answer these accusations?
I don’t think I introduced you to my lovely wife and kids yet! By the way, I should point out that Elsa does not have either.
Wait . . . what?
Hans invites his family up on stage and introduces them.
Meet my wife Barbie, and my adorable baby twins, Hans II, and Helsa.
That . . . didn’t answer the question. Also – your family is in a box.
They like it in there. Elsa could never have family values. She has no family except Anna and her brother-in-law with that weird affection for reindeer . . .
I am the first Disney heroine not to need a man. Besides Merida and Mulan. And no internet, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Okay, final question. How do you both plan to make Arendelle great again?
First, I’m going to arrest Elsa. Also her sister. And anyone else I don’t like. Then I’m going to build a giant wall around the city to keep out Muslim terrorists like Aladdin and Jasmine. I’m going to cut taxes on myself, because I will give jobs to people like Tiana who come from black inner cities where there’s all that violence and whatnot. I’ll grab any girl I please or just leave them to die. And I will murder all the little children training to be Jedi in the temple. And if you don’t elect me, I’ll take my minions and start riots in the streets.
. . .
Wow. I don’t. . . did you just say that?
Of course not! What candidate would be stupid enough to admit all of that? I’m going to buy kittens for every person in Arendelle.
If I am elected, I will treat all citizens of Arendelle as equals! And I swear not to, like, freeze them again – or I’ll fix it when I do. I mean – look at your alternative.
Ah . . . that was – really frightening. So ends the debate. Good luck people of Arendelle. I’m heading back to France.
So the debate is over? Time for the election! I mean I’m sure no more scandals will surface or anything. Like – does anyone know or care about the running mates? Is Hans really going to give people kittens or could there be something slightly sinister behind him? Has Elsa ever changed clothes since she put on that sparkly dress? How did Hans change clothes in the middle of the debate? Will this be done in one more post long before the presidential election (in NINE DAYS not to frighten you)? Yes.
You’re welcome.
~Alice
aliceatwonderland 