Tag Archives: humor

Alice Goes KonMari

Update: Still decluttering around here.  This happy joy joy life changing process is taking a while, because there’s so much stuff and I rapidly vacillate from wanting to throw it all away in a blaze of glory, to wanting to gather my stuff in my hands and spit “My preciousss!” into imaginary cameras.  

gollum

Alice neeeedsth her DVDsss!

I’ve seen a lot of complaints about Marie Kondo (see that older post) and other organizing gurus and how this whole minimalism concept and the idea of throwing out extra consumer crap is only for rich people because poor people can’t afford stuff.  The writers of these articles have clearly never met a poor person.  As if you have to have money for stuff!  I’ve never had a great deal of money, but I’ve always had stuff.  People love giving you stuff, because they redecorated or they just watched Netflix and now they have a spare entertainment center, or couch, or bed, or recliner, or T.V., or child.  And yes we’ve gotten every one of those things given to us – except the child. Our children were DIY projects.

But I digress.  Time to begin. 

Step One: Clothes

80s clothes

If you still have legwarmers, you’ve waited way too long to declutter.

We’ve also been given hand-me-down clothes – so many clothes – by well meaning people.  Thing One gets clothes, and Thing Two gets clothes, then Thing Two gets the clothes that Thing One just outgrew.  So she gets twice the clothes, and guess what?  They almost all spark joy in this kid, so she doesn’t like giving them up.  It’s hard to complain since my children have dressed like I spent hours in the dark searching Ambercrombie and Fitch when in fact I shop at Walmart where I can get shirts for a dollar.  One dollar shirts, guys.  Did I need the shirt?  Did they?  Well, not exactly, but hey you can wait a month to do laundry! 

laundry pile

Typical laundry day.

Maybe not the best plan.  I honestly thought I didn’t hold on to clothes that much before I started all of this, but it turns out I don’t really hold onto clothes so much as I just lose them in various places.  I have also changed size over the years, so I have clothes in various sizes because I might lose weight, or I might gain it.  You just never know.  The forties are fun!  I’ve gotten rid of bags of clothes, though, and lots of extra bed linens because there is no way I’m folding more than two sets of fitted sheets.  I’m also not using Marie’s cute little vertical napkin folding technique because it takes too damn long and I hang up most of my stuff.  Unless it’s a fitted sheet.  Then I properly cram it into my bottom dresser drawer in one giant wad, the way God intended.

fitted sheet fold

Wrong / Right

Our town has made giving stuff away much easier by installing lots of dumpsters painted bright colors that are marked for the Children’s Home.  This is awesome because I can drop my junk off and not have to show my face or talk to anyone.  It’s just like I’m throwing it away, only I’m not, I’m doing a good deed just like all those people did for me!  The only problem is that you can only dump clothes or shoes into it, not appliances or electronics or children – which you’d think they’d want being a Children’s Home and all.  I do wonder if they get unwanted stuff dumped in there anyway.  For instance, I heard that someone once dumped a live chicken into the book drop at the downtown library.  It sure sounds like a hilarious idea – I mean a terrible thing to do.  Thank goodness they now have cameras to keep people from this kind of mayhem.

chicken in library

We never had a chicken in the library.  Bats, snakes, hornets, sure . . .

So I’ve gone through my clothes once, and Thing Two volunteered a bag of clothes in exchange for four new clothing items at JC Penny’s where we were supposed to be shopping for dress shoes for her sister’s prom.  I wasn’t going to let her get them, but then she showed me that they were three to five dollars, marked down from forty dollars, so of course I was suckered into it.  She’s smart, that Thing Two.  There isn’t a thing in her closet at the moment, but the clothes make a nice, comfy carpet, so there’s that at least.  You are not supposed to “Konmari” someone else’s items, unless you can be super crafty about it so they don’t find out.  So I still have the kids’ clothes left.  My husband has few clothes, so that’s not a problem.  The extra cars and car parts might be, since I can’t lift those into dumpsters.  Not super crafty like anyway.

car in dumpster

I didn’t think I’d find pics of whole cars in dumpsters.  I clearly underestimated the American people.

So does my house look better?  Not a whole lot, but I’m making progress.  Of some sort.  While waiting for your house to transform you, I invite you to check out a different perspective on cleaning.  Jennifer McCartney (author of “The Joy of Leaving Your Sh*t All Over the House”) is the real deal.  She is sarcastic and funny and gets paid for it, which means I should hate her on principal, but I still enjoyed her books.  If only I could get my parodies to market faster.  Maybe if I marked them “Twilight Sexy Times Declutter Wars”.  

Anyone else spring cleaning in April?  Let me know.  Also, do you want some stuff?

~ Alice

My Response to the Attorney General’s Response to the Mueller Report

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Redacted screaming in frustration followed by giving up on all mankind.

blanket-for-me

Back to the Blanket Fort

Tiny Tidy Tinder: Marie Kondo Madness!

I was trying to think of a title and I hit a button somewhere and WordPress shouted at me (they used an exclamation point!) that I hadn’t written anything yet.  And yes, I “got it!” WordPress you use cookies, though I think that’s a terrible thing to do to a great snack food.  It’s like what they did to Tinder.  It used to mean flammable material for lighting a fire and now it’s a dating app and – okay well that one maybe makes sense.

So what have I been up to maybe someone wonders?  So much.  I’ve been watching Netflix, and there is this tiny Japanese lady named Marie Kondo who organizes stuff for clueless Americans (like me!)  When I first saw her show, “Tidying Up” I said “She is so cute, it’s like I could put her in my pocket!”  And Thing Two who loves all things Japanese said, “I know, right?”  So we watched her program.  This is a girl who is really into mess.  I mean she gets super excited and bounces up and down.  She really needs to come to my house.  I could have this chick in hysterics.

marie sees my house

THIS IS THE BEST MESS EVER, ALICE! (explodes)

First she wrote a book called “Tidying up” because “tidy” sounds better than “Throwing away a lot of crap”.  I have not read her book yet, but it sounds like one of those you either really love or hate.  Apparently, some Americans aren’t impressed with practical advice coupled with blessing your socks and whatnot.  But there’s more, so much more!

Like she has her own T.V. show on Netflix, as I said, and she doesn’t even speak English.  She has an interpreter follow her around who I guess tells her whatever nonsense the American homeowner is saying, though we rarely see her doing this interpreting to Marie.  I think it’s because the interpreter mostly just makes that hand motion of “blah blah blah” and Marie’s like, got it, and smiles and nods her head a lot, which is enough to satisfy her customers.

So what makes Marie different from other organizing gurus besides being so cute -omg one time she hopped on a decorative carousel horse which would crack under my weight but practically floated under her – and Japanese?  It turns out Japanese people are different from us. They are tiny because they have tiny houses on a tiny island.  Also, they eat a lot of rice and veggies and possibly poisonous seafood instead of cows.  So without a lot of space, you can only store so much stuff.  Their solution is to keep most of their stuff in enormous stores selling Hello Kitty and only Hello Kitty.

hello-kitty-vivitix

Typical Japanese storage unit

Yet we only have the option of expensive storage units that people raid on TV here, so we have to figure out how to clean out the big messes we can’t afford in the big houses we can’t afford.  Japanese people are not only different than us, they also think differently.  I took a class years ago on Non-Western world literature that freaked out most of my classmates because we had to make “paradigm shifts” to understand another culture.  (I never hear “paradigm shift” anymore, so maybe it’s called something like “Special Snowflake Shift”.)  In Japan they have Shinto, and no that is not a restaurant (pretty sure?)  It’s like a religion, but not a religion, so kind of more like Buddhism, though it’s not that either.  Basically you just have it as a way of life, got it?  Great.

Marie takes aspects of Shintoism that are really nutso, like paying respect for your possessions.  In one episode, she gets on her knees to understand the house (So sorry these people messed you up!) and the family awkwardly closes their eyes like they are doing the same thing, though I know the parents are secretly wondering how their Tinder profiles are doing.

marie kondo ritual

Ohhhh what this house has seen . . .

This inanimate object stuff is really big with Marie, though.  First you take, say, all your clothes and throw them in a one big pile (this has to be ouchy for the clothes I’d think) and then you pick up one piece at a time and decide if it “sparks joy” for you.  If you aren’t sparked, you are supposed to thank it for serving you (oh thank underwear for hiding my butt) and put it in the “get rid of” pile.  I love watching the men especially thank their T-shirts, etc., cause you know as soon as Marie leaves they are going back to tossing it at the nearest pile.

She also likes folding, and by folding I mean she makes clothes into tiny napkin rings and places them neatly in a drawer.  If I went to that much trouble folding my clothes, I’m not sure if I’d ever wear them again.  Maybe that’s the secret?  I haven’t seen it on the show yet, but apparently in the book Marie is super concerned for socks, describing how they have to protect your feet from brutal beatings and deserve a rest.  I can only imagine what she thinks about our underwear. Maybe we should just immediately make them funeral pyres out of mercy.

marie-kondo-554x350

No one can be this excited about cleaning . . . can they?

I know this all sounds weird, but that’s because she’s weird, only her weird comes in handy.  She tells about being a child of five who entertained herself by reading cleaning magazines and advising her mother on how to better clean their house.  I bet that went over well.  Her method of cleaning even has a name, the “KonMari Method” taken from her name.  Yup, she thought that up herself.  She has plenty of fans who are even stranger though, calling themselves “Konverts” (get it?) and purging their houses in fits of “Kondomania”.

I realize I’ve poked fun at little Marie, but I honestly kind of like her style.  Is it that bad to be thankful that we do have so much crap we have to get rid of it?  My anxiety peaks while walking around my messy house, which I see much more of now.  I long for a nice, peaceful empty space free of dust and piles of clutter.  I love my things, though, and there’s just no way I’m getting a “minimalist” house that looks like an art museum (1 painting per white room) with a husband, kids, and myself in the way.  And that’s okay.  Maybe I could just make a start.

As soon as I’m finished watching the latest episode.

~Alice

A Very Merry Unshutdown to you!

“You say eether and I say eyether
You say neether and I say nyther
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther
Let’s call the whole thing off!”

– “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”

I’ve considered writing about this whole shutdown thing for – what is it – 30 some odd days now.  CNN had a handy timer right down to the second, cause they are useful that way. I’m pretty sure most of the world knows how stupid we are by now, but just in case our government shut down for 35 days because well . . . here’s a quick summary:

Trump blarts, “We need a wall cause caravans and criminals and my red hats are mad I didn’t do it yet.”

Rest of Gov’t, “No big deal. You haven’t accomplished anything you promised. Have a hamburger and sign this saying you won’t shut down the government because you didn’t get millions for your petty little pointless project.”

Trump, “Okey dokey, oh lookie Fox News.”

Fox News, “Blah blah Trump is a wiener for signing yadda yadda.”

Trump, “I am NOT a wiener!  No sign!  Want wall!”

Democrats: Nope.

Government shuts down.

white rent

 

Ah, right, that’s it.  But don’t worry, they said.  It’s temporary.  Even if it’s right before Christmas.  I mean – who needs a government?  We get anarchy with government anyway, so let’s call the whole thing off!

Now it was up to the Democrats, or rather Nancy Pelosi with the rest of the Democrats staring at their newspapers, to try to negotiate a deal with Trump.  The first meeting went like this:

Trump: Am I getting my wall?

Pelosi: No.

Trump stomps out.

35 days later . . .

Yeah, so maybe not so much fun.  Turns out we do need a government for a few minor things to get done like:

Paying 800,000 government workers. (Billionaire Republican Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross says “They should just take out a loan”.  Or maybe sell one of their yachts, Wilbur?  “How about making a deal with the grocery store to pay later?”, dumbs Trump.  Yes, he really did say that.)

Keeping poor people alive through programs like Food Stamps and WIC. (What poor people?  Ask your neighbors for help!  Like that government worker guy next door!)

Ironically, security for stuff other than the Mexican border like TSA, the Coast Guard, the FBI (they do stuff other than investigate you, Trump):

govt shutdown

Everything checks out here!

But good news, a few days ago the government reopened (expect the news on time, none of the time on the Alice network) but only for a few weeks.  Fox News continues to say that Trump got a great deal.  After all, the government opened back up after over a month, and he didn’t get a wall.  Or anything else.  So since this was such a success, it only makes sense that he would ask for exactly the same thing in a few weeks.

I think I can guess what Nancy’s answer will be.  But what is our answer?  How are we going to stop this ridiculous gridlock in our political system?  Maybe we should ask our mother country, the Brits!  They’d know.

brexit please work

Nevermind.

~ Alice

Boxing Day and Other Randomness

Once again, WordPress, I do not want to learn about your new editor, and you can’t make me.  Not until you take away the old one, like when the librarians took away the physical card catalog and I had to use the computer one.

Yes, there were physical card catalogs, shut up.

So I sort of missed telling anyone about what to buy for Christmas, and I’m super sorry because I know you were all bereft without my helpful shopping lists.  I like the word “bereft”.  I also missed Christmas day, but then I have had other Christmas specials if you want to check them out.  Come on, you have nothing better to do but work and I know you’re on WordPress right now.

weird gifts swiffer 2010s Jewel

You could have bought this great gift from my list! Girls go crazy for the Swiffer!

My best gift this Christmas was Tramadol.  I contracted another sinus infection (I can get them from pure air I think) and my head was going to explode and I told the doctor that regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen had not helped so could he give me a shot of the good pain stuff? The doctor asked why I didn’t just take regular pain meds?  Yeah, he did.  Then he looked at ME like I was your average druggie.  I am not average, you jerk.  He gave me the shot.  I felt so much better.  Thanks, Tramadol!

I even missed Boxing Day!  It’s a real holiday for the UK and Canada and I’m not sure who else.  Maybe UPS. I was just thinking about boxing day because my highly cultured 14-year-old brought it up, since she is in debate and thus reads way too much about politics, other cultures, and critical thinking skills. She once wore a shirt with a UK flag to a 4th of July celebration, and no one noticed. Question: Do you guys celebrate independence from us Yanks?

happy fourth

I’m getting this out early to all you Brits out there!

Also I found a snotty article in the New York Times about what Boxing Day is in America – hint: she’s snotty about how dumb we Americans are. I mean sure, we are, but like I need this chick to say it. I’m pretty sure she’s not British cause I didn’t see any extra “u’s in there or anything.  She said in the UK you guys give out canned goods and stuff to people right after Christmas (like how much charity to you NEED, sheesh), but that we Americans just stare glassy-eyed at our empty Christmas-present boxes.  My family did NOT, Ms. New York Times, we stared at our our still full Christmas bags.  They are festive and much easier than all that wrapping crap that my aunt insists on continuing to do, with ribbon so tight you have to saw it off with a knife.

The bags are still full because we haven’t figured out where to put the stuff away yet.  I know, first world problems right?  Where to put that pregnant mermaid ornament (an earlier gift from the same aunt)?  As far as cardboard boxes, I do have a lot of those because I shopped from Amazon this Christmas.  It is my hope that my small contribution will help them take over the world of merchandise, if Disney does not get there first.  I should also point out I shopped too much from the Disney store so . . . healthy competition, guys.

xmas amazon

You don’t even have to wrap them!

I did get a new computer since the one I’ve had for many years, which was a gift from a friend who had it for years before that, was conserving its last breaths of life by repeatedly turning itself off at random times.  My husband bought my new-to-me (refurbished!) computer with money from his extra job guarding the media gate (with his mere presence!) during the first half of the fall football games.  I think I’ll keep him, especially since in two days we will have been married for twenty years.  It seems just yesterday I was the 22-year-old clueless, glassy-eyed newlywed staring into the camera with no idea what I was doing.  I mean, I still don’t, but I’ve gotten better at hiding it.

Anyway, a new computer meant that I had to remember my old passwords which are usually saved on my computer because I can’t remember them.  I kept mashing the same words in, since I really thought I knew them this time, only to realize that I was trying to get into wordpress.org instead of wordpress.com.  I didn’t know there was a difference.  Once I got on the right one, wallah, I did get into my own blog and there I found a list of blogs to read, and one of those was anupturned soul’s, and guess what she was talking about?  Boxing day!  And she’s like certified British!

I think we may be Time Life books connected sisters, anupturned soul (can I call you soul?  Up?  Got a nickname?) because I also like Dr. Who, or I did before this latest one and I totally got your reference to Amy Pond. I think she is one of the best companions and I felt very sad when her baby melted.  For those who don’t watch, you had to be there. Thank you for your childhood definition of Boxing Day “. . . a day when everyone put on boxing gloves and punched each other openly, freely, without legal repercussions.”  I can get behind this holiday.  Like the Purge, only friendlier and not quite as bloody.

mary poppins returns poster

Ready for Boxing Day?

I do still plan on finishing my review of Mary Poppins. I am currently reading her second book, Mary Poppins Returns (also a new movie go watch now says Disney counting their money bwahahaha!) and the kids are still going on adventures and Mary Poppins is still being a jerk, so business as usual.  I haven’t seen Mary Poppins Returns yet, but I did watch Saving Mr. Banks, a movie about the author of Mary Poppins, P.L. Travers, and Walt Disney, who tried to get the rights to those blasted books for about as long as I’ve been married.  Also I saw Before the Mouse, a movie about Walt Disney’s early years and struggles to get started with animation.  Say what you will about him, but Walt Disney was freaking determined.  He also made his fortune without a “small loan of a million (or 600 million give or take) dollars”.

So now that you’re all caught up with me, what’s up with you guys?  Guys?

~Alice

 

Alice Awarded

WordPress just warned me that they have a new editor planned. WHY?  I just now figured out this one and it’s been . . . a while.

Speaking of WordPress, long ago in blogland we used to pass around these blog awards and I would collect them obsessively and call them “blog bling”.  I also considered stealing a certain one, since all you have to do – technically – is copy / paste it off a more fortunate person’s blog.  That would be the Freshly Pressed award that I eventually got by insulting the editors of WordPress in a post.  There’s a bit more to it than that, but no matter now since it is passe because they have Editor’s Choice or something like that.  I don’t know much about it since I don’t have a lot of blog friends competing for it.  So big deal, cause this award’s name is not nearly as stupid, (I do not think of a mammogram when I hear it) so I reject it, unless some editor wants to give it to me.  I’m RIGHT HERE guys, and you know WordPress I noticed when you never responded to my suggestion that my booger post be given an award.  Do you not read your tweets?  I find this unprofessional, WordPress. 

I was getting somewhere, oh yeah, I was given the Liebster award by blogger anupturnedsoul.   I forget who or what a Liebster is, but this one award is super cool because it asks lots of bizarre questions  and I love answering questions that concern myself.  (You should check her blog out cause she likes me, which makes her amazing and crap.) So here goes! 

liebster-aware-discover-new-blogs

What is a question? What does asking questions mean to you? 

A question about a question?  It’s like an English major wrote this.  Or a philosophy one, since it was taken from The Philosopher’s Magazine.  

What is a question?  That’s easy.  A question is the answer on the game show Jeopardy.  What does asking questions mean to me?  Asking questions is a great way to learn something new and / or annoy another person.  Like when I asked this nun in my college class repeated stupid questions like “Do you have more than one color of habit, like for special occasions?”  She was very patient.

What is an answer?  What does an answer mean to you? How far will you go to get an answer?

Haha, I did not see this one coming.  Naturally an answer is a question on Jeopardy, which I almost never get right.  Like who cares where Monaco is, it’s like the size of Dallas or something.  An answer means someone has actually solved something, like say the Trump investigation.  There are no more answers, only questions like WHYYYYYY?  How far will I go for an answer? Wikipedia.  See above for question definition.

What would you do first in this situation?

what-would-you-do-first-from-brightside-me (1)

Each option has an interpretation attached to it which you will find by clicking over to : What Would You Do First in This Situation? The Result Can Reveal a Lot About You – there are additional questions asked by the site which are: How accurately do these characteristics describe your personality? Do you agree or disagree with all the descriptions?

This one annoyed me, because how can it be a personality test when most answers just mean you’re kinda dumb?  If you do anything besides go to the tea kettle (does anyone still have one of these?) you are risking a fire.  The baby’s fine in the crib another minute, the dog has already ruined your furniture, and the corded phone (we still had one of those until recently) call is probably a telemarketer cause those are the only people who call on a home phone.

But these guys say “If you’ve chosen the kettle, it can mean that you’re a passionate and rather quick-tempered person. You make decisions quickly without doubts, and nothing will stop you from achieving your goal.  You can quickly get bored with monotony. You care about your safety and don’t like surprises. It’s easier for you to follow a clearly defined plan without unexpected twists and turns.”

Yeah, I care about safety, like not having the surprise of a fire, though you know not having things on fire can be rather monotonous so maybe I should have let the kettle go after all.  Cause I cannot decisions to save my life, which is why maybe I should have chosen the baby because then I’m a calm and resourceful person who sacrifices myself for others (like in a fire) and enjoys quiet evenings with my family which I should note does not include a baby.  Yet if you pick the baby up first and then go to the kettle and the dog, you burn the baby and get its head chewed off by the dog.  I’m assuming you’d still be holding the baby since it’s not going to just get calmed in its crib fast enough for you to escape the fire, the rabid dog, or that relentless ringing.

It’s possible I have overthought this question.  Nah!  Okay so if I choose the dog it means I’m a material girl who doesn’t like a mess, and if I choose the phone I’m a great communicator who can multitask (not likely with a corded phone) in which case why didn’t I grab the dog, the baby, the kettle, and then answer the phone?  The answers have no questions and the questions no answers and we’re right back to question one!

How would you convince me that you are real and not in my dreams? (borrowed from Philosophy Cambridge Interview Questions)

I’m not real.  This is a dream.  Or IS IT?

alice taylor quote
I totes need this pin.

What is your favorite word?  (Q borrowed from English Cambridge Interview Questions) Why is it your favorite word?

Once upon a time, whence I covered 50 Shades of Crap, my blog’s top search word for the year according to Google was “crack whore”.  This is not my favorite word, though, nor is crap, no matter how many times I use it.  It’s a tough choice, but I think my favorite word is “stabby”, as in “I feel stabby today”.  It may not be in the Oxford English Dictionary yet, but if they added “hangry” I think they can add “stabby.”

Also, since this is borrowed from interview questions, what kind of interview asks what your favorite word is?  Are they wondering if you will blurt out “stabby” like I just did, so they know you’re a serial killer and can casually mark through your name on their list?  I’m so curious.

What does the following illustrated story mean to you? If you’re not sure – What was the first thought which popped into your mind about it?

zen-speaks-carrying-a-woman-across-a-river-tsai-chih-ching-and-brian-bruya

Oh, wise Tarzan, er Tanzan, teach me more about how to avoid sexual harassment lawsuits!  I mean, the first thought that popped into my head was “Oh like that monk is so great.” cause that’s how my mind works.  Actually, though, I think it’s trying to say that the student was worrying about the teacher mucking up his mind cause his was mucked up – ie get the two-by-four out of your eye before you pick at mine, you brat.  I count people who go through youth books line by line looking for subversive material among these.

Which god or goddess from mythology would you be and why? (Q borrowed from a comment on anupturnedsoul’s blog – Two Narcissists in a Relationship? – a personal story)

Ooh, I know this one!  Nemesis.  She’s not as well known as say, Zeus, but I like her cause she’s the Greek goddess of revenge.  Her job is to exact revenge for “hubris” against the gods, or in valley girl speak “She like thinks she is like SO GOOD.”  Some people say you shouldn’t want revenge and you should live well, blah blah, but I think that’s because they couldn’t get away with it and besides, if I was Nemesis, this would be my job.  Like, nothin’ personal.  Hey, did you just run over your neighbor’s cat and think nothing of it cause you are so special with your corvette?  Sorry, but Whiskers is going to haunt you for the rest of your life, buddy.  Turn around – Whiskers.  Go to bed – Whiskers.  Take home a date – Whiskers on the couch waiting with his red, creepy eyes.

Not that I’ve though much about this.

taylor tied to tracks
Taylor is Nemesis’s representative on Earth, I think.

 If you could be someone else, real or fictional, for a day, who would you be and why? What would you learn from being them? (Q inspired by Fandango’s Provocative Question #1)

Last question, you guys!  I would be Donald Trump. No wait, hear me out!  I would grab my buddy Mike Pence and we would travel to Antarctica to visit with the penguins and those Eskimo guys.  We’d miss the plane back – I’d only have to tell Mike that there was a woman on there if he protested.  Then I’d go back to being me, and Donald and Mike would learn to live with the Indigenous peoples until they kick them out within days and then they would learn to live with penguins.  Sorry, Donald, you don’t always get to be in the middle.  You have to share warmth like all the other Emperor penguins.  And outside people would be all “Yay!” until we get someone else stupid in office.  What would I learn?  In Trump’s brain, I’d probably have lost information more than gained it.  I am willing to take the risk for my country.

Okay, so that’s the end I promise!  Anyone still with me?  I am supposed to ask eight questions of someone else, but my brain is fuzzy.  I don’t know eight bloggers, but anyone reading I would LOVE to see answer these questions cause they are so fun.  I’m going to check out anupturnedsoul’s other nominees and their answers.  

Stay tuned as I explore the many bizarre versions of Mary Freakin’ Poppins!

~Alice

 

The Blob

You may have heard of The Blob.  It’s an old horror flick about, well, a blob that goes around sucking people into it.  There are several iterations of the same villain, such as The Creeping Terror, which was so scary that the actors would willingly help out by climbing into it.  But the Blob I’m talking about is like me, cause that’s how I feel when I have little energy but am still expected to do things.

Meet Blob.

Blob is the result of years of art class. Say “Hi!” Blob.

I spent a while thinking of what color to make Blob.  First I considered black, but I’m not that far gone, and Blob is not emo, just blobby.  So then I considered other colors like yellow (too sunshiny), brown (too poopy), red (too bloody), pink (too frilly), and gray (too bland).  I finally settled on lavender, cause it looks grayish, but with bits of purple trying to poke out.

I don’t feel that sad most of the time now.  I know I can do things, heck I even make plans sometimes to do the things.  But then this inertia sets in and my body says “Haha brain, yeah we like sitting.”  An object at rest tends to stay at rest, especially if said object is me, and it doesn’t really have anywhere it HAS to go other than dropping and picking Things (ie children) up at school.  So after said chore is done in the morning, it’s easy to drop back into bed, but not easy to get out.  So I sort of have to slime my way.  Here it is in four simple steps.

The key is sliming out slowly. Yes that’s a bed he’s sliming out of.

I used a similar method for getting out of bed when I was very sick with pneumonia. I’m not that sick now, though I am getting over yet another respiratory infection and the antibiotics that treat it by making me all nauseous.  But really, this was happening before any other physical cause.  So I’m thinking blob might be a slight lack of motivation on my part.

I can blob my way to the kitchen, sliming around, grabbing a bowl I keep clean, avoiding the pile of dirty dishes, and then sliming back to my computer where I do important business.  Like surfing the internet or drawing blob pictures.  But inevitably I will need to do something like say – those dishes.  Or the laundry. Or get those groceries.  Or maybe try to join a gym because I am very out of shape and exercise gives you energy, right, if you can get enough energy to do it!  The gym is, literally, one block away from me.  And it’s open 24 hours a day.

But it’s never that simple!  You can’t go to gym until you have clothes to wear to the gym.  So you slime over and wash clothes.  And yay you have a shirt, an exercise squeeze-you-too-tight bra and yoga pants that show all the wrong curves!  Great.  Missing just one thing.  Something you really ought to have a lot of no matter what you do.

Where is the UNDERWEAR???

It is really bad for me to lose something important like underwear, especially when it is really hard to find underwear that fits right.  As of late, it has been harder than buying jeans, and nothing should be harder than that.  So I tried on type after type  until finally finding one with no elastic in the waistband at all (as it should be) and of course they don’t have my size, which is monster size according to Wal-Mart.  Keep in mind I wore a size 8 when I was 5’7″ and 130 lbs.  That is considered X-large right there.  I have to wonder what really obese people wear, cause while overweight, I still consider myself relatively normal.  I guess they have to follow Babar the elephant.

This is where I am heading.

I don’t want to have to go to the Big Store with Babar.  I don’t trust stores that let in elephants who steal the purses of old ladies.  So that means I must try to not get any bigger.  Or blobbier.  So after all that laundry and underwear searching (Alice does not go commando), I am way too exhausted to think about the gym.  I’ve also worked up an appetite.

Speaking of appetites, another thing I could do to improve energy is to not eat so much not nutritious food.  They say eating healthy (green) things makes you have more energy, or some such nonsense.  So I make a pledge to find out what food constitutes healthy that I can force myself to eat.  This lasts five minutes until my husband brings home Cocoa Crispies cereal.  Really?  What was I supposed to do?  They were THERE.

NOMMMMMMMM!

So I have these two creatures I have to face: motivation and self-control.  You might have met these two before if you’ve read my blog in the past.  They have names.

Pony sat on my motivation.

 

Squirrel has amazing self-control. He only ate 500 nuts this morning before puking.

I’ve been slightly blobby for a while now, but I always had somewhere I had to be in the past.  Someone to check to make sure I was not blobbing 24/7.  I don’t have a parent or a boss standing over me now, so that someone is going to have to be – yikes – me?  They say pick a friend and ask that friend to hold you accountable for doing stuff, but yeah, I don’t have a lot of friends, and those I do have I don’t dislike that much.  Also some of them have blob issues as well.

Have any advice for blobs?  Feel free to offer it in the comments below!  I will slime over and read them – eventually!

 

~Alice

WTF Are They Saying Songs: Come On, Eileen?

I have been singing along to the radio my whole life, despite not knowing what the lyrics, and sometimes even the titles, are most of the time. This is not my fault as the singers are often not clear, and DJs rarely help as they are too busy talking about fascinating stuff like their toenail clippings, just because they can (I want to be a DJ).  Anyway, some songs I have sung the wrong way for years.  Sure I could look it up on that newfangled Google or look at a lyric video, but some of those translations are done so badly I could do just as well myself.

So I will.

One of my favorite songs from the 80’s is “Come on, Eileen” sung by the Dexys Midnight Runners.  You remember that group right?  Me neither, thanks Google.  Anyway, this song is a classic example of not understanding what the heck the singer is saying.  I mean I really don’t understand ANYTHING except most of the main chorus and, ironically, the nonsensical “Too ra loo ra too ra loo ra yay” part.  I can imagine the group think that day.

Guy 1: We need something to go after “Come on, Eileen”.

Guy 2: Why not just drink some more and slur the lines again?

Guy 3: We could always use “Wo wo wo” or “Na na na”.

Guy 1: Been done.  What’s that on the telly?

Guy 2: Buncha puppets on a kiddie show babbling.

Guy 3: Bloody brilliant! Let’s use that.

So they solved that part fine, and they knew they wanted to talk about this Eileen chick who wore that dress and was dirty.  They could have said “Come on, Eileen go take a bath” but the too ra loos were too good to pass up I guess.  All that was left was to drink heavily, strap on some overalls before remembering their shirts (see the video) and sing!  I have written the lyrics to the best of my understanding while playing the song over and over.  Good luck.

Blame these guys.

Come on, Eileen

Poo ol Johnny raid

I sat upon the radio

But the billion hearts is unknown

Our mother’s strange

Saddle on who’s them

Who’s crumb? (Who’s crumb?)

So brittle (So brittle!)

Now I must say “cold and never”

Come on, Eileen

Too ra loo ra too ra loo ra yay!

Gonna sing this like a boner!

 

Chorus: (sort of understandable – sobriety break?)

Come on Eileen (oh I swear)

By all means

At this moment, you mean everything

You wore that dress

I confess but you’re dirty

Oh, come on Eileen!

 

These people round here

But now I suck

I’m on my face

So it’s time to wonder

What pride is

But blah blahhh

Blah blaaaahddy

We are just so young and clever (What’s that for?)

Too ra loo ra too ra loo ra yay

I hope it’s true foreverrr

 

Come on Eileen

(Oh I swear) By all means

Oh come on let’s

take off everything!

You and that dress (I confess)

Sassafrass

Oh come on Eileen

 

Lots more too la roos

and Oh Eileens

 

And that is all I’ve got.  When it came to the “blah blahs” I honestly, after multiple times listening, could not make out anything approximating any word in this language.  I’m not saying I got the lyrics right, but if you do go and look up lyrics, you’ll often find out that the ones you thought they were saying probably made more sense than the ones they actually sang.

Speaking of nonsensical (too ra loo ra!), here’s the video.

Truly fascinating.  It starts out with what looks like old footage of girls going gah gah over some guy.  The video does write out (literally) the first line which is “Poor old Johnnie Ray”.  I’m not sure who Johnny Ray was, or is, but girls dug him and one put his name on her shoes (that’s devotion).

So you might think – this song is about Johnny Ray?  No?  Well maybe about the old pictures of two children (labeled “me” and “Eileen”).  Not sure, because we switch to the 80’s (I think?) with a bunch of hairy guys wearing only overalls and playing banjos, fiddles, and – an accordion?  How did hillbillies get to the city?  Did they hit a bubbling brew?  Whatever happened, now they’re here singing on a street corner and oh look, that must be Eileen coming by with a friend and a baby stroller and – how nice they are trying to assault her.

Look at that armpit hair! Come on, Eileen!

“Ohhh Eileen, come on!  You’re so dirty!”  I can’t imagine why she would want to get away from them.  Those “too la roos”?  They turn out to be a gang rallying cry as they all get together and run up behind her and one of them grabs her and – suddenly she likes him?

And what did it all have to do with Johnnie Ray?  WHYYYY?

I don’t have answers, folks, cause I didn’t even try to look them up (saying they were there).  Maybe it’s better not to know.  I certainly liked “She Bop” a lot better before I found out what that one was about (Cyndi didn’t need a guy cause – um – magazines) and the music is great so I guess it doesn’t matter.  It’s just more thoughts that rattle around my head while I mindlessly sing along.

Too-ra-loo!

 

~Alice

Kentucky Fried Crisis!

Have you heard the news today?  They say that danger’s come our way.  It’s a real land of confusion alright, what with all those wars and famines and politicians, but today our old reliable Facebook News had some real news people care about, news to unite all walks of life.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has run out of chicken. 

Yup, you heard right.  Now this is happening in the U.K., not here, thank gawd, but what a terrifying prospect!  So much so that it naturally made international news.

Count on CNN, you guys.

Our media sure savored this little news bite, alright.

And we thought all those hurricanes were bad!

A wing and a prayer!  Get it?  I guess I can see this appearing on CNN Money, since KFC is bound to be losing it’s chicken butt over this shortage, which is causing stores to close all over the U.K.   But that’s not the only problem they face.

There are some super angry Brits over there.  Observe.

There are some marvelous quotes in here.  “It’s a chicken place, so they should have enough chicken,” says one boy.  That’s so cute how kids think logic should apply to real life!  Other people took to Twitter with their annoyance over having to drive to multiple locations to find chicken.  Multiple locations.  They do have other chicken places in the U.K. right?  Or is this chicken just so filled with artery clogging goodness that our mother country is addicted?

If Brits act like this, you realize we in the U.S. are in deep, deep trouble.  As one commenter said, “There would be rioting in the streets over here.”  I don’t doubt it.

KFC is deeply apologetic for causing so many in the U.K. to go without the two of the most important food groups (salt and grease).  Here’s a sign from one of the restaurants.

 

No compromising on quality for us!

So just how did they run out of chicken?  As the sign mentions, the chain just got a new supplier called DHL who promised to “re-write the rule book and set a new benchmark for delivering fresh products to KFC in a sustainable way”.  Jolly good job, right oh, I say!  DHL explained that “due to operational issues a number of deliveries in recent days have been incomplete or delayed.”  Operational issues, eh?  As in what type of operational issues?  Is it because some employees are still teething?  That does hurt.  Or have employees been stealing the chicken for themselves?  Shoving it down their pants and making a run for it?  There is clearly more to this story than they are telling us, people.

I mean it is super hard to round up chickens, kill them, and dump their body parts in a truck and deliver them to 900 stores! But I wonder if this could have anything to do with their new spokesperson, Reba “Colonel” McEntire.  I mean, she was the obvious pick for a new Colonel Sanders, what with the natural resemblance.  But some people are not at all happy with this and have complained.  No, really.

Reba, is that you?

Because this is a feminist issue!  Reba is the first female Colonel Sanders, ya’ll!  Well, sort of!  Because while some praise her for, as one article puts it, “shattering the grease-soaked napkin ceiling,” others are upset cause the colonel can’t just be a woman, but must be a woman pretending to be a man.  So, like, the colonel is now transgender then?  I thought he was an real life man who’s been dead for over 30 years, but apparently not.  He’s a character.  Or she.  Or however the colonel chooses to identify, for chicken is fluid.

So I think the problem is clear.  Colonel Reba here has taken all the chicken.  Because feminism.  But KFC will make things right, though it may be over a week.  Hang tight.  And as another commenter said, “Prayers”.

~Alice

 

V-DAY is HERE

V-Day?  What could that mean?  Vaccinate day?  Venereal Disease day?  Happy New Year?  Okay, it’s not Happy New Year, since you could say I missed that one.  Along with January.  And most of February so far.  But hey, I couldn’t miss the most important of days, which is of course Valentine’s Day – though it might involve the other two v days, depending on how you celebrate it.

Or if you celebrate it!  I decided to google “Valentine’s Day is . . .” and it turns out people – this will shock you – think it kind of sucks.  The first thing I got was “Valentine’s Day is Coming Memes”.

I got very excited about this, especially the article that promised to warm my icy heart.  With memes.  You might be doubtful about this, oh ye of little faith.  But I dideth click on one.  There were a lot of super funny memes, like the one where the guy from that office show says yes he has a date for Valentine’s Day and – wait for it – that date is February 14th.  Do you get it?  It took me a second, and then I just sat there laughed hysterically.  My heart is melted!

Okay I did like this one.

Valentine’s Day always makes me pee a little.

So that was from Bridget (@bridger_w) who took that little snapshot at a Rite-Aid.  I now know what to get that special someone.

No more time for “Valentine’s is Coming” memes, though, cause it be right here mah peeps (check out my inclusive language). The second thing to pop up was how much people love this holiday cause it makes them feel super close to their significant other, especially when that other buys them that freaking enormous diamond ring from Jared cause even young children know that Dad is gonna score when he gets their Mom that ring from Jared!  And there was nothing at all disturbing about that commercial that played roughly a million times!

Haha, I’m lying of course, because the sentence to pop up next was really “Valentine’s Day is overrated”.

If you’d like to know four, five, ten or even fourteen reasons why this holiday is overrated, all you have to do is google.  I can summarize them all for you, though.  Valentine’s Day is overrated because it’s a way to make people feel guilty if they don’t get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love to that special person.  It also makes people feel lousy if they don’t have someone to make them get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love.  This is totally different than Christmas, or birthdays, or anniversaries, etc. because it falls on February 14th.  Look!  I have a date for Valentine’s Day!

In light of all this negativity, I decided to look up the origins of Valentine’s Day. For all you naysayers out there, it turns out that this holiday is just oozing with happy and love and well this came up first.

Ah those romantic Romans!  Executions!  That’s just amazing.  Two different guys named Valentine get executed on the same day (different years – did he remember or was it luck?) by this Claudius guy, so the Catholic Church martyrs them with St. Valentine’s Day.  Clearly the next logical step was to make this day about love and chocolate too, just like Easter!

Chocolate Bunny?

So there you go, a special Valentine’s Day post.  In case you are planning a hot date, don’t forget that once again the perfect movie is out just in time for this day of love and torture!

Classy as ALWAYS

Yours truly,

Alice

P.S. Tomorrow the candy is 50 percent off.  True love waits.