Tag Archives: humor

The Game of Life (Part Two)

Years ago I wrote a post on the board game Life and how it’s both stupidly unrealistic and uncomfortably realistic at the same time.  There’s another version of this game for even lazier people that doesn’t involve the annoying game board and teeny little people pegs that get lost in the carpet.  It’s the Life Adventures card game and the Things and I love it.

life adventures card game

I’m just sad there is no psychotic family on the cover of this game. We had to supply that ourselves.

If you thought the first game was random, this game just spits on that and says “Watch this.”  You get four decks of cards, a “Family” deck, a “Wealth” deck, a “Career” deck, and an “Adventure” deck.  Just like real life, that’s all there is – a job, money, family, and oh the adventure of making it to the next paycheck!  Actually, just like the old game, the Adventure deck has you swimming with dolphins and crap.  Big deal. I want important careers and expensive things!  And children because they come with points!

life adventures card game 2

Who needs adventure when you can own cool stuff like children?

Oh, right, I should explain the system a bit better.  There’s no deciding whether to get a degree or not, or stopping to buy a house or get married.  There’s really no deciding period, it’s just whatever the deck throws at you.  So if you happen to draw one of the wedding cards, boom, you just got married. As it was in the old game, it doesn’t matter if you wanted a wedding or not, you got one.  Suck it up.  You can avoid the wedding if you simply avoid the Family deck altogether though, but you’re really missing great opportunities for advancement and hilarity.  

There is no money in this game, but don’t worry, it’s still pure capitalism.  Each card you receive has a number of points on it, depending on its value.  So like getting one child gives you 20 points, but triplets nets you 60 points!  You can get an igloo (and be happy about it!) for 40 points, but we all want the castle because it’s worth 90 points, and also because it’s a castle and so much better than that igloo that’s melting cause it’s in Texas.  

polar bear igloo

There’s also that issue of freakishly large polar bears.

In the old game you were stuck with one job unless you had a midlife crisis.  You still get those here, but you don’t have to in order to have as many jobs as you like.  You can be a rocket scientist, a rock star, and an exotic zoo veterinarian all at the same time.  You’d better have multiple careers, though, cause while you can have as many jobs as you want, you only get three paydays per job, and each of those is 20 points.  You can get 20 points just for popping out a baby!  Thank goodness this is just a game, and no one works multiple jobs or has babies for money. Talk about silly!

But you’re probably wondering, don’t you need a degree for some of those jobs, Alice?  Right you are!  Some cards are not playable until you have another card first.  So if you want to be a rocket scientist, you have to draw a degree card first.  Just one, though, so whew about those pesky doctorates.  Just one degree qualifies you for every job with a degree, but some jobs don’t require one at all like rock star and President.  I’m just joking, there’s no President card.  There is a politician one, though, and it comes with mega points, but you like need a degree?  Far out.

trump

President Trump is a winner at LIFE

You also need a boat (a bathtub will do) to sail solo around the world, or a plane (private jet please) to do the loop de loop, but you can go to the moon without a spaceship no probs.  Also no home improvements without a house, though you can go through the whole game with no home if you want.  Just wait, though, cause I haven’t gotten to Life’s version of Chance cards yet, and that’s where things get interesting.  

You get to sue people, naturally, for any card with 30 points from their life story.  This could be bad if, say, all they have is a house worth at least 30 points.  Or a family shark.  Or a kid. If you don’t like your job, you can just swap it with someone else’s.  I know I certainly wanted to swap my job with Kim Kardashian’s.  You donate to charity in this game, which is great, only you are making someone else donate to charity by force.  Sort of like what happened to Bill Gates when he tried to keep all his goodies to himself and social media got madfaced.  You can just directly take someone’s house, though you do have to give them one in return – the igloo for the castle trade, for instance.  And did I mention children?

kim kardashian

I could hack a job sitting around being rich and shallow.

Yeah, like everything else, those little brats are commodities.  There is more than one card where you can “adopt” a child or “find a long-lost relative” and just take someone’s child away.  I used to think that was called “kidnapping” but apparently I was mistaken!  You can also just have a midlife crisis and swap all the cards in your hand with another player.  Doesn’t matter what cards are in their hand. I bet they were saving that lawsuit and castle and set of twins weren’t they? Too bad.  It’s so funny when a family member screams “Don’t take my babies!”

Since this game gets a little cutthroat (it encourages us, what do you want?), the Things and I decided to make it even more fun by playing as fictional characters.  Last time we went Star Wars and I played as Jar Jar Binks complete with “Meesa this” etc. that never, ever got old.  Try imagining Jar Jar getting married, or worse, reproducing.  I figured that was a bit over his head, so I just had him thinking hand shaking made the babies, while his Sith wife had kids with various Dark Side guys.  This led into questions of “just how hard did she shake his hand” etc., as Han Solo (Thing Two) and C-3P0 (Thing One) plotted to murder me.  You’ll be happy to know that we are a progressive family, so C-3PO got to marry R2-D2 at last and together they, er, built BB-8.  At least it wasn’t as ridiculous as the time I played the Emperor and married and had kids – I mean who would marry that guy, am I right?

r2 and c3po in love

Marriage equality at last

But in the end, Life’s just a game, isn’t it?  You have your ups and downs, days when you are furious at your messy igloo, and days when people adopt your children from you.  Que sera, sera!  

~ Alice

No Buys, Goals, Resolutions, and Crap Like That

Hindsight’s 2019, and on to 2020. Boy am I glad to have 2019 in hindsight, cause it really belongs there with the exception of my new depression treatment.  A lot of stupid stuff went on in 2019, and there was a lot out of my control, but also a few things I could have controlled a little better.  Like I could have used better coping skills with this mad, mad world, which I’m about to address.

new year 2020

Begone 2019!

Last year I started watching some No-Buy videos on Youtube and reading some articles on Google.  A No-Buy month, year, etc. is just what it sounds like – you don’t buy stuff for a certain amount of time.  I am very aware that there are people who go on these no buy larks out of pure necessity, and I have been there myself.  But most people have at least some disposable income (or take it from another category like coffee for clothing) even if they don’t have money for much else, and that’s what I’m talking about here. 

At the current time, only my husband works outside of the home. I was worried for quite a while how we would make it, but ironically with our lovely system, so much was taken out of my check before by the government which then said we had to pay more taxes because we made more money (including the money they were taking out, not what we were taking home) so – it hasn’t made as much of a difference as I thought it would.  In some ways, such as Thing One’s college tuition, it actually saved us money because now they consider us as poor as we were back when I worked, and the grants combined with scholarships for her grades paid for both her first and what looks like her second semester’s tuition.  And we did that without Bernie paying for college, though he is certainly still welcome to do it.

democratic line up round 2

At least I can pick out Bernie in this group.

Many of the people whose No Buy reports interested me had way too much makeup.  There’s even an entire Reddit about this.  I don’t have a problem with makeup. I don’t wear it that often now that I’m not working (and I stopped a while before then even).  The only time I’ve bought much makeup was when they had a special Disney line of it.  Which leads to the problem – Disney.  I collect Disney dolls, especially limited edition ones which are, of course, more expensive.  My mother collected dolls when I was younger, but I got onto the Disney kick while I was working in order to reward myself.  My Things also have their share of dolls, as you know if you’ve read my blog very long and seen us create strange posts with them.  

I am not ashamed of my dolls; I enjoy them.  Everyone has something they collect, whether it’s car parts (my husband), or makeup, or baseball cards, or cell phones (you don’t need a brand new 1,000 dollar Apple phone each year sorry), etc. etc.  I often collect when the thing represents something that matters to me, because I like to see, hear, and touch.  I’m horrible at museums.  Anyway,  Disney movies matter since they all have messages (besides make me more money). I also got into collecting Game of Thrones last year since I really enjoyed the story of Daenerys – at least until that last season but moving on.  I got into buying those figures too, and then into the world of Funko Pops.  

baby yoda pop

Quit it with those freakish cute eyes!

Be afraid.  There’s one of them for everyone, I don’t care who you are.

Since recently paying off our car, our only debt is our mortgage and medical bills.  So I’m not using credit cards (we don’t own one) to finance my problem. I have dipped into our savings, though, which is not very big and consists mostly of what we got from our last tax return.  We’ve been fortunate in that people like our church and family have aided with some of the bigger bills such as the dental one (I hate teeth).  I’ve found that buying dolls and collectibles often comes up when I’m stressed, or sad, and gives me that brief rush – only to make me feel bad later.  You see I have plenty of dolls at this point.  I even sold some last year, and I intend on selling more collectibles this year.  

But I’m hoping to first stop buying so many of the fancy Disney dolls.  One thing that has helped me is to learn more about the psychology of shopping.  It’s pretty creepy what advertisers do to lure you in, and we think we’re too smart for it, but fall for it every time.  I’ve followed a youtuber who has some interesting videos, and read some books as well.  I would like to spend this year enjoying what I have, decluttering my house of what I don’t, and just finding healthier habits than online shopping (which is how I buy most things I don’t need.).  With what I save, I hope to put money in savings, pay off bills, and buy other things that would be nice like frames for art (the Things are good artists).  My walls are rather bare and depressing at the moment.

minimalist white

For those wanting the “hospital look”, white walls are in.

So I’ve made some plans for the next year.  

Yearly Goals

goal people

Did someone just shoot at that one guy? 

Health: Be healthier overall: keep up with mental health care and other doctor appointments (like asthma etc), more exercise, actual meal plans, better self care, and losing some weight.

Financial: Less spending on dolls and collectibles, fountain drinks, and meals out.  More saving, paying off bills, improving my environment, and my self confidence (more flattering clothes, learning new stuff).

Environment: Clear out clutter, clean (and learn more about how to clean properly)

Listing them as somewhat vague yearly resolutions freaked me out, so I will divide them into months.

Month One: January

january goal

Real clipart title: Unrecognizable woman adds healthy goal.

Health: 1. Continue my mental health treatment (post on that coming up)  2.Walk more – I need a specific number of steps each day.  I’m still recovering from first a sinus infection, and then the antibiotics that made me sicker.  But I did spend some Christmas money on a new tracker (gadgets!) which is coming on Friday.  Exercise is supposed to be good for body and mind, or so they say.  I’ll find out. 4. Write more.  Writing is fun, and I like communicating with you guys.

Financial: 1.No spending on dolls and collectibles.  2. Fewer fountain drinks: I’ve mostly drinking the little 8 oz cans of cola rather than getting the drinks from the drive-through.  This goes with health too, come to think of it. 3. Get a bill paying system together.

Environment: Work on my bedroom the most, especially my desk and bedside table drawers.  Cleaning out my desk will help give me a place for keeping track of bills.

I’m not sure how this is going to work.  I’ve already experienced the setback of being sick, so at least I’m prepared for that.  As the year progresses, hopefully I can keep up with my goals.  One thing that helps is not depriving yourself, which is why I’m not cutting out all pleasures (still have coke for instance).  It also helps to have someone to keep you accountable, so I have a couple of friends, my Things, and now you guys.  

Do any of you have resolutions or goals for this year?

~ Alice

What’s wrong?

Now that my depression has lifted for however long, I have lots of plans.  I have more energy to do the plans.  I have resolutions, like not drinking so much cola, and losing weight (because it’s healthy, not to look like I’m 20 – as Mamie said to Scarlett O’hara – “You done had a baby.  You ain’t never wearing that again.” Or something to that effect; I’m not looking it up.)  I also want to write more about esketamine nasal treatments, the history, and a personal account of what it’s like.  Well, kind of – it’s a little hard to describe.  But I couldn’t find much when I looked, so it’s better than nothing.  I also wanted to clean, clean, clean cause I have a lot of that to do. So much. And Marie Kondo won’t return my calls so it’s up to me.

marie kondo ritual

Quit meditating and get to my house.

But then this morning I couldn’t get myself to move.  It was like, I’m awake, I got motivation, but my body isn’t moving. That’s odd.  Then I had this genius idea of getting those tiny coke cans that are actually 8 oz (I can’t believe that’s 8 oz cause I have gotten used to 32 oz and 8 oz is like a drink from the water fountain) and there was this sale, but you had to buy four six packs. I was okay with this because I had plans to label them so that my husband would not whine that he didn’t get some, and that I could know which ones were mine and could like wean myself off of them.  I think that was the idea.  So the Things and I went to the grocery store and we got this but then we also got a few other things like pizza for tonight (it’s low calorie pizza no not really shut up) and then we checked out but I didn’t get the special exactly cause it was 3 for one and not 4 for one.  I think.  Whatever.

coke fight

This is from an old post.  It has cokes in it.

So then we went to McDonald’s for fountain drinks because I don’t have much ice at home (MY first world problem) and the others weren’t cold and I haven’t started my resolution yet why are you looking at me???  Then I paid and I started to drive away without picking up my drinks until the Things pointed it out, so I went back through the drive-through but they were nice and stuff and didn’t point out my stupid.  Thanks, McD’s.  Anyway at some point during this I was like, huh, my chest really hurts. I mean sure I had been coughing up great gobs of green goo, but that’s not unusual (sorry for the description there), so it hadn’t occurred to me that I could be sick.  Just garden variety sick – or at least my garden variety.  Wow.

mucinex

Yay, they’re back!

I’m not sure how to explain how odd it is to be relieved that you are sick.  But it meant I wasn’t sad again, and that I could later lay down and that was fine.  But I wanted peeps to know I wasn’t disappearing because I was sad again.  I’m okay.  It’s just mucus.  Be back soon.  

~Alice

Oh, Pee Pee Tree and The Greatest Gift of All: A Christmas Story

So it’s finally Christmas Day, and there is much to be thankful for – like that this day will soon be over and eventually your extended family will be gone. Here’s hoping you get into one of those fantastic political conversations that always go so well!  Just think positive: Unless you are in a couple of states, it really doesn’t matter what you think or how you vote anyway!  

Why am I so relaxed about this?  Well, part of it is called Esketamine.  It’s a nasal spray.  Yes, that’s right, something I snorted into my sinuses has made not only made me happier but more relaxed than I have been in – EVER pretty much.  I have always worried, since I was a little girl, and my body has been in permanent fight or flight mode for so long I thought that was how it was. Because while I hadn’t been as sad and stressed as I was when I was working full time, I wasn’t – well anything much.  I was still a Mom, yes, but that was about all I could do.  I slowly got worse and worse until I didn’t go out.  I didn’t take basic care of myself.  My house looks like a bomb went off filled with someone else’s crap, cause surely I didn’t buy this?  So – I was thinking maybe there might be something more to life than this.

And so I tried the new treatment.  And it was like getting glasses for the first time, and realizing I was supposed to see leaves on the trees.

I'm using this little guy as much as possible

Maybe I should snort something up MY nose.

Did you know the leaves are incredibly beautiful?  I mean not when they’re swept into the gutter and filled with gunk, but before that.  Listening to Christmas hymns about the birth of new life and hope now fills my formerly anxiety ridden chest with air that expands into ever rising joy.  Stuff that used to worry me – like my in-laws on the holidays and how they don’t show up on time and you don’t know who is coming and they talk about how big their guns are (it takes two hands to hold that sucker up! Big Gun!  Gun Big!), just floated off of my back this time.  I learned the secret, gals. Be like men. Doze off in a chair.  It’s amazing how effective that is.  I even got offered a bed by my step-mother-in-law later.

thanksgiving family

Family dinners are always better with drugs!

That’s not all either.  You see, last year we lost several Christmas ornaments when our shed got blown over and all those carefully collected ornaments from years past got rain damage. So I put the ornaments in labeled boxes in our craft closet to keep them safe.  But then about a week before Christmas it occurred to us that maybe we should put up some decorations or something and we couldn’t find the tree, which is kinda the most important part.  After a search of the house, it was still in the shed, only this time it didn’t get rained on – unless you count golden showers.  As in the kind that come from tom cats marking their territory.

catpee

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go, ‘kay?

Those cats claimed that tree like no one’s business.  My husband still brought it in because he’s a guy, and well, he got us a tree didn’t he?  Problem solved!  Except it still smelled of cat pee. Thing One tried the Lysol trick, but Lysol is no much for tom cat on fake pine.  I was not going to put ornaments on that thing, so I mentioned to my parents that hey, our tree got peed on by cats.  Can we borrow one of yours?  Now my husband is normally dangerously laid back, but for some reason he decided this was the time to put his foot down and say that we were fine, and did not need another tree.  Why we loved our pee pee tree; it was OURs.

Again, normally this whole thing would have me much more upset but since I am better (this is Alice on “better”) the first thing I thought of was how I could take that old classic “Oh Christmas Tree” and turn it into “Oh Pee Pee Tree, how smelly are your branches!”  And then I could write a post about it.  Because who doesn’t think of cat urine when celebrating the holidays?  

big balls o christmas

What this tree needs is a little cat pee!

 

I was getting tired of the smell though, cause did I mention we also got two more turtles, making the total up to three turtles?  No?  Well, yeah there are three turtles.  And a leopard gecko.  I thought that was enough animal for our house without adding another special smell, so finally husband dear agreed to let my parents give us a small 3 foot tree which was just fine with me cause it’d take up much less space. My brave Thing Two took out the smelly tree to the garbage where maybe it will make a home for more alley cats.  Reuse, recycle I always say.

Then today a six-foot-tall package showed up from Fed Ex.  There was no return address.  We were starting to think maybe this strange gift was from Santa, before I realized that the six foot tall box must be the gift my friend of over 30 years, Ravin, mentioned sending to the kids.  Turns out I told a lot of people about the pee pee tree, and so in the spirit of the holidays, my old pal sent us a full sized tree.  What a way to end a story.  

Except not entirely.  I still have several treatments to go of the Esketamine, and am staying cautiously optimistic about the effects (as well as the bill), but so far it has worked a real Christmas miracle on me.  Since many people may want to know more, I plan on other posts telling about my adventures with unusual uses of anesthesia. I also, for the first time in a while, have plans and resolutions for the next year I hope to write about, saying we don’t get bombed by North Korea or whatever.  But this was a Christmas story, so I think I’ll end it here.  

Happy Holidays and a Pee Pee Free New Year!

Alice

Top Five Last Minute Christmas Gifts

A lot has happened in the past few months.  Or maybe just the last few weeks, but at any rate, I feel much better now thanks to a gift I’ll talk about in a future post (it’s not the pee pee tree, though you’ll get more info on that as well!  Cheers!).  Right now, though, the clock is ticking and it’s just five days till Christmas, so you might want to think about buying something that isn’t from 7-11 for your family this year.

If you’d like to get a little something for me, maybe think about a keyboard that hasn’t had coke spilled on it.  Thanks to someone’s cola addiction the “y” ke,  which turns out is a ver important letter, makes it difficult to tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyype normallyyy.  But enough ado, now for myyy list of top 5 Christmas gifts for your little brat!  Btw, I made sure these all came from Amazon, since Santa is letting Bezos deliver now that he owns half the planet.

5. Obligatory Frightening Olaf 

In honor of Frozen II and the merchandising genius of Disneyyyy, who owns the other half of the planet, I present Lego Olaf.  

olaf lego set

Look out, he’s armed!

Lego does pretty well with buildings, but creating a person, animal or in this case, snowman, doesn’t work so well.  Seeing this pop up caused both Thing One and I a jump scare, and we saw the whole movie (Frozen II: Freeze Harder).  It gets worse, though.  Check out the other wayyys to assemble Olaf.  

olaf lego set 2

In this movie, Olaf becomes a maniacal robot out for blood. (Spoiler!

Personally I’d just leave this guyyy unassembled.  

4. Puppet-on-a-Stick

Lots of good things come on sticks, like corndogs, cotton candy, carrots, etc.  Then there are these guys.

puppet on a stick

That puppet is clearly calling “Helpppp meeeeee.”

You can’t tell from the picture, but these guys are basically plungers with mouths that kids operate with a knob so it looks like they are talking.  I love how the description above reads “Perfect for family announcements.”  Really?  What announcement would you want to make with puppets, especially these puppets?

puppet on a stick 2

Possible Options: Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce!  Scruffy died!  You’re adopted!

Just think how useful these puppets could be in the Presidential debates!  Candidates could hide behind their podiums and continue to puppet the same tired talking points, but this way they could get in some Punch and Judy action too.  Ratings would surely go up.

3. Stuffed Composers

Anyone remember the Baby Einstein stuff from the 1990s and early 2000s that had parents thinking they could make their babies smarter by playing them classical music?  And how that was a load of crap?  Guess what?

composer bear

They’re back!  It’s not just the Mozart effect this time, though. You can get a Ludwig Von Beethoven bear or even a Fryderyk Chopin (rolls off the tongue) bear!  Finally, now babies will quit begging to hear more Fryderyk!  You know how sometimes babies cry but nothing seems to satisfy them?  It’s because you didn’t get them a composer bear, you jerk.  There’s nothing like having a stuffed animal do your parenting for you!

composer bear 2

He’ll be fine.  Mozart’s a great babysitter.

2. Baby Shark Baby

Shark, Shark, Baby.  Okay maybe I was a bit harsh on the composer bears.  At least their music doesn’t stick in your head like the popular Baby Shark song “Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Dee Doo BABY SHAAAAARRRRRRK!”  What could be more annoying?  Pairing it with a Baby Alive doll of course!

baby shark bab

Buy this for a friend’s child and be instantly un-friended.

What’s most fun about this doll though is that it is an even bigger liar than the composer bears.  This doll does not sing Baby Shark.  It also cannot go in water, according the instructions reviewers received along with their doll.  This is in spite of both Amazon saying up above that it is great for “splashy water play fun!” and the picture showing the doll in water.  Whoops.

baby shark bab 2

Or not.

  1. Baby-Go-Puke Doll

I realize the last two selections have been baby dolls, but I think these are the most messed up dolls they make.  Who could forget the doll from yesteryear’s Christmas list that could poop charms?  I know I can’t, though I still try.  

On the plus side, this doll definitely does stuff, so parents shouldn’t be disappointed.

baby puke 1

Brush up on your EMT skills, preschoolers!  No pressure!

Lots of kids like to play doctor (no, not like that, sicko).  This doll takes that above and beyond the realm of normal.  No, she doesn’t actually projectile vomit (I always thought adding that to the Betsy Wetsy doll would make it more realistic) but she does have multiple ailments your child must quickly fix in order to stop it from crying a very lifelike cry, which is documented as one of the most stressful sounds on earth.  And just like with real babies, you have no idea what problem the doll has until you try everything, which in this case can be up to seven different problems.  Fun!

baby puke 2

Heart attack?  Smallpox?  Ebola?  You just don’t know!

So there’s your list of go-to toys for the holiday season!  Hurry up and order, and if you can, address these toys directly to the parents’ addresses.  One reviewer reported that the last doll sounded like “mating cats” in the box, so unless you’re into that kind of thing, best to not even have it in the house.

Merry Christmas!  And may your familyyyyy be forgiving!

~Alice

Alice Goes to the Dentist

Teeth.  Remember when teeth were cool?  Like they’d fall out of your mouth, but this was a normal thing for them to do, and people even paid you to lose them?  Well, after a while this stops, and suddenly you are supposed to keep your teeth, unless they are wisdom teeth in which case they usually have to come out because these teeth are so smart they often grow in sideways.

Other teeth are supposed to stay in, but they are really a big pain in the . . . mouth.  I mean sure they help you chew up food and make you smile all pretty if you put lots of enamel eroding whitening on them, but otherwise they just kind of suck.  So people try to ignore them as much as possible until they can’t any longer because either they have pain or their dentist makes them have lots of x-rays so he can find tiny little cavities that he can fix so that he can pay off his student loans faster er so that they don’t become big cavities, which if you remember, make holes in teeth.

cavity creeps crest

“We make holes in teeth!”  This – this is a post all on its own.

So I waited a year or two and finally figured, why not, I’ll go to the dentist for a cleaning.  I mean once I waited five years to go and had two children during that time (There was an old saying during the good old days before plumbing that you lost a tooth for every kid you had!  Cool!)  I had five cavities instead of two, but that was better than two cavities and five kids, and hey, still only one cavity per year.  Not bad.  This was not the case this time.  This time, oh no, they found eight cavities.

I do love being an overachiever.  They asked me if I brushed and flossed regularly.  Well, dental assistant, you are looking in my mouth, so what do you think?  Probably not.  I had other things to do, like killing Sims.  I mean who really thinks teeth are that important?  Certainly not insurance companies.  Most jobs give you access to health care, but that doesn’t include teeth cause, pfft, who needs ’em?  We just have them so dentists have something to do after studying mouths for so long, right?

dentist and tooth

It’s more convenient for you and the dentist if you send your teeth alone.

So they were very insistent that I should get these teeth fixed, and they showed me a bill and I was like well if I don’t pay my mortgage or, you know, eat, then sure I should be able to handle this in a few months, easy-peasy.  I asked if I could pay it out, since I’ve done that with every other doctor, and I’ve gone to this dentist since I had teeth, so they totally trusted me on that.  I’m just kidding. The totally understanding and not at all bitchy receptionists said I had to go with another company who would let me take out a tooth loan (this is where the tooth fairy went after that pink slip I bet) and pay off my bill that way.  In a few months.  Or face lots of interest.  Medical bills are one of the few debts they can’t charge interest on, but teeth aren’t medical so fair game!

Since leaving my job by request two years ago, we’ve been on one income and disability payments.  Luckily, I have very little pride left so I asked the church for some help and they offered.  Thanks, Jesus.  Of course the receptionists still don’t trust the church to pay it all off so they keep asking me when they will pay.  It’s a nice little chat we have each time.  I took my kids to this dentist too, and by some miracle Thing One had no cavities.  She’s no more responsible tooth-wise than I am, so I’m thinking she has enamel of steel.  Thing Two was not so lucky, so she had a few cavities. Still, no one could beat Mommy.  I do love to be a good role model, give them something to aspire to and all that.

mom of year

The best mom leads by example.

No offense to dentists, but I have some problems with your techniques. I mean there’s a problem with my tooth hurting, right, so your solution is to take a drill to it.  There has to be a better way to go about this by now.  I mean sure they pump me up with enough anesthetic that I am actually shaking, but it’s still kinda disconcerting.  I’d get the happy gas, but that costs forty-two dollars each time.  I can get better drugs way cheaper.  I mean my, er, neighbor could.  So there’s this brrrrr noise as they drill out the rot in your tooth so that they can fill it with other stuff that must be made of unicorn dust cause it costs a lot.

dentist patient

That is one weirdly happy patient.  Must be some good gas there.

Though it’s not as much as a crown!  Now I have always wanted a crown because being a princess sounds grand and I’m sure I have at least as many qualifications as England’s royal family.  But this crown goes on your tooth, and for the price you pay I’d like it made of solid gold and actually shaped like a real crown, only one that goes around your tooth.  It’s not, though, it’s boring yet insanely expensive, so the dentist highly recommended it.  But first, a root canal.  I was totally stoked about that one, since it was going to cost 2,000 all on its own before I got to the crown.  Also it had the words “root” and “canal” and involved my mouth.

dental crown

Finally, someone acknowledges my royalness.

Lucky for me, when I went to this other dentist (the dentists have like a coven and I had to go to a special one for the canal o’ love) he said my tooth was too far gone so I should have it pulled.  By another dentist.  They are loyal to the coven.  So I went to yet another dentist and this one was all “Hey, no big deal, you will like never even miss this tooth” but hello, I liked that tooth.  We’d been together a while, and the other teeth were sure to miss it even if it was a back tooth, so I won’t look like Buckwheat.  The dental assistant seemed to think I was nervous since I was whiter than usual which is super duper teeth-whitening white here, but hey, no sweat until he numbed my mouth and that hurt so I yelled and he warned me not to scare people. I mean talk about rude of me.  Then he yanked out the tooth – but you know slowly and jerkily and stuff so it didn’t freak me out at all.

dentist and kid

I’m just gonna yank a few things out here . . . oops!

On the plus side, it only cost 300 dollars for them to remove the tooth versus the canal thing, so yippee! Then one of my fillings broke, so guess what you will never guess?  I still get a crown!  But later, as I’m putting that off as he already fixed the tooth good enough for me.  His mistake!

I have learned my lesson, though, folks. Take good care of your teeth.  Brush and floss every day, unless your teeth are super close together because your parents made you wear braces, in which case you will probably pull your fillings out that way (as I just did a second time) so maybe you’re just screwed.

This PSA brought to you by Alice and Munchers, the delightful short full of talking teeth, satanic cavity creeps, and lots of hallucinogenic drugs.  I might have shown it before, but it is definitely worth another view, with the help of Josh Way’s commentary.  Enjoy!

Your tooth fairy from Hades,

Alice

Democratic Fun Time Debate Part Two the First

You are probably all wondering, “Hey, Alice, didn’t we just have these debates?” and I will answer “Yes, because this is groundhog year.”  At least we have made progress in that . . . 0 candidates have dropped out, in spite of no one knowing or caring who most of these people are, and that includes, in the case of John Delaney, their own staff.  Seriously, Delaney’s staff said, “Dude, drop out, you’re embarrassing us,” and Delaney was like “Naw, it’ll be fine.”

I will admit that I thought it was Bill Deblasio’s team who told him to drop out, but Thing One said it was Delaney, so yeah I couldn’t even remember which one’s team had less faith in them, but I’m gonna hazard a guess that most of their people are already tired of the free sucky campaign trail food and just want to go home, and this mess just started.  I know I’m tired, and I’m not even campaigning.  As far as I know.  

I also goofed on the picture I posted with the last debate report by using a picture from the first debate part one instead of the first debate part two, but luckily no one else noticed that these were 10 different people either, or at least no one bothered to point it out to me.  Which is why I have this little message for most of our contenders, and I will try to be gentle.

DROP OUT NOW, EVEN YOUR MOM WON’T VOTE FOR YOU, LOSER.

democrat dog pile

None of these people were at the second debate, but you could have fooled, well, everyone.

Okay, that out of the way, I should get to the actual debate.  They mixed it up a little, putting Bernie in a different group so that he could smack someone besides Biden this time.  Last night’s Jeopardy stage had Bernie “I have one volume” Sanders, Mayor Pete “Yes I’m over 18” Buttigieg, Elizabeth “Did I mention the free stuff?” Warren, Beto “Did you hear my Spanish?” O’Rourke, that self-help hippy lady, the dude whose people said drop out, and those other guys.  

Since we don’t have regular cable, my Things and I struggled to find the actual live debate on Youtube, since it was littered with tons of before-game footage that no one watched of individual candidates, people talking about those candidates, and people talking about the people talking about the candidates.  Our server also ran super slow from the mothers of the candidates watching the same debate cause someone had to do it.  My friend Ravin sent me a wave of texts from the CNN live stream keeping me up to date while Thing Two, our computer expert, pressed buttons and shouted at Youtube.  Ravin’s assessment below:

computer mad

And this was BEFORE we started watching the debate.

Sanders, Warren, Amy Klobachar, and bunch more white people.

Who let Marianne off the island, and why does a New Age self help guru have enough support to waste oxygen on the debate stage?

John Delaney – he’s bald but doesn’t make it look good like Booker does.

Tim Ryan: “It’s all bad.”

Hickeyloopery was unemployed for two years.  So hire him for President!

Amy: I am from the Midwest!

Beto, my favorite Texas politician.  He might make a good VP.

The gay mayor: Just skip Gen X and vote for a Millennial!  I’m also from the Midwest and cooler than that Amy person.

Warren just said “spinelessness.”

Bernie: I know the statistics.  I will punch Trump.

Please, take my employer health care!

And Warren interrupted.  Congrats, first one!

Warren: Stop using Republican talking points.  Here is a sad anecdote.

Amy the Streetfighter from the Iron Range.

Tim Ryan: If we set a progressive platform, the Republicans will call us socialists.  If we set a moderate platform and use Republican talking points, they will call us socialists. 

…Wait – that was Butiggieg.

Tim: You don’t know that Bernie.

Bernie: I do know, I wrote the damn bill!  

“Thank you” from the moderator means “Shut up now.” Someone hit Amy with a clue stick!

Warren: Fight!  Fight!   Fight!

Elizabeth Warren cheerleader

Goooo, Democrats!

Boring  Bald Guy: Boring is sensible.  Boring is realistic.  Boring can be big.

Moderator: Boring Amy, I dare you to piss off all your peers.

Boring Amy: No thank you.

Boring Bald Guy: Carbon capture.

Props to Beto for setting foot in Tucumcari.

Mayor Pete: Nominate me and Trump will look like a total jackass on the podium next to me at the debates.

Marianne: Uses the term “dark psychic energy” and still sounds like a better choice than Trump.  Also adds, “40 acres and a mule for every freed slave is trillions of dollars in today’s dollars.”

Boring not bald guy: I can take a whole minute to say “Maybe.”

Gay Mayor: Quotes Bible to shame Christian conservatives in the Senate for blocking the raise in minimum wage.  

Uncool Amy:  Screw English majors. (I paraphrase)

News flash Elizabeth Warren: We already were the first country to use a nuclear weapon.

Ravin’s overall opinion: I officially like Pete Buttigieg best of tonight’s crowd.  I think he will make it to the next level in the Game of Delegates along with Warren and Sanders.  The others are doomed.  Also, you should reprise your Hunger Games: Presidential Debate Edition on the blog.

Last election, I didn’t do Hunger Games, that was another thing with the Disney princess dolls – keep up, Ravin.  I did have Queen Elsa run against Hans last time with a lot of the campaign done via fake Facebook chat, which seemed silly at the time but in hindsight was some sort of premonition about our first President Twitter.  I don’t think I could get anymore ridiculous than what’s actually happening, but I’m certainly willing to give it the old English major try (thanks, Amy!)

Anyhoo, I liked Ravin’s summary enough to steal it and use it as my own post, but unlike Melania, I did give credit.  Granted, most people could have come up with my pal’s overall assessment without the debate, but some people (cough 90 percent of the candidates) really, really need an intervention with the American public and a stun gun.  Thanks to all these guys clogging the debate, whenever a candidate started to make sense, suggest an actual policy, or try to finish a sentence, the moderator told them to shut up by saying “Thank you!”  Because our possible Future Leader of the Free World should be given as much time as Ms. America to solve world peace.

Stay tuned tonight for part two of part two and yeah we need to get this down to ten people AT MINIMUM cause I’m confusing myself.  Tonight’s debate will feature front runner and Crest toothpaste sponsor Joe “No more Mr. Sadface Nice Guy What Do You Mean I’m with Kamala again?” Biden, Kamala “Take a bite outta Joe” Harris, the Hispanic guy, the black bald guy, the Asian guy with the oopsie broken mike, those other two women, and the other old white guys.  I’d have said more, but CNN only offered me their faces, and like I can remember that many names.

 

190719154118-cnn-debate-july-podium-card-image-updated-mobapp-exlarge-169

Democrat Rainbow!

Seriously, how many of them can you name?  A free sparkle pony to whoever can get five or more!  Stay tuned!

~ Alice

Democratic Fun Time Debate Round Two

Yippee Ki-yay, it’s time for round two of the Democratic debate.  Now last time Trump dared to tweet that the debate was boring, which is just unreal cause Democrats are super exciting!  Watch as Trump commits horrible, treasonous acts and the Democrats do . . . absolutely nothing about it!  Granted compared to the Republicans whose main tasks lately have been keeping Trump from going through with these acts by regulating his schedule like a toddler’s, taking papers from his desk without him noticing, and praising him for righting what he just screwed up, I guess they are rather dull.

But the second debate was different!  We got another ten candidates on the Jeopardy stage, but this time they included a couple of people that some Americans probably knew about like Bernie “Wild Hands” Sanders and “Sleepy Joe” Biden.  Also there were a few women and more white guys.

democratic line up round 2

Each candidate got their own postage stamp, most soon to be worth 0 cents.

Now for the line-up.

Sen. Berrrrrrrnieeee Saaaanders! (crowd of crazed Bernie fans cheer!)

Joooooe Biiiiden!  (He was our Vice President for eight years.  No, really.)

Mayor Peeeeete Buttigiegggg!  (The overqualified gay guy with unpronounceable name!)

Sen. Kaaamalaaaa Harris! (A women and Indian and Black!  Democratic jackpot!)

Former Gov. Jooooohhhhn Hickenlooper! (I didn’t make up that name!)

Sen. Kirrrrsten Gillibraaaand! (Some blond chick!)

Sen. Miiiichael Beeennnett! (One of those guys on the postage stamp I assume!)

Rep. Errrrric Swaaaalwell! (Was probably there too!)

Aaaandrewww Laaang! (Spoke one entire time I think!)  and finally . . .

Maaariaaanne Wiiiiiillliamsoooon! (Self-help author you’ve never heard of!  Really!)

It goes without saying that I had to look most of these people up and then count twice to make sure I didn’t miss one of them.  Anyhoo, good old Joe Biden came in as the front runner, complete with a “Kick Me” sign on his back.  Bernie Sanders stood beside him, wildly swinging his hands and avoiding spit and a possible shank from Kamala Harris as she and Biden battled it out.  At first Biden came in swinging, wisely denying he ever did anything wrong EVER even when presented with a golden opportunity for redemption (I can see why he’s our frontrunner!), but after a while he just hung his head in resignation for the rest of the Democrat dogpile.

biden end me meme

Meme by Thing Two

Here’s a quick play-by-play for our viewing audience!

Moderator: I can’t believe I drew the short straw AGAIN! Okay, you’ll all get 60 seconds to explain how you will solve every world problem ever!  First we’ll talk about . . .

Swalwell: Can I talk?

Moderator: Wait, who are you again?

Swalwell: I’m Eric, gawd!  Okay, Biden is SO OLD, so he needs to hand off the torch to young guys!  Like me!  I look about ten years younger!

Biden:  Oh, you can take that torch off my dead body! (grins blindingly)

Swalwell: So what, in a few months?

Kamala Harris: Let’s not have a food fight here!  At least not until I get to take a few bites out of Biden!

Moderator: Let’s talk racism!  Hola, Pete, donde esta el bano?

Pete B.: Hablo Espanol y seis otra languages!  El suck it!

Harris: Pretty sure I’m qualified to talk about race seeing as how I’m the only black person. 

Moderator: Yikes.  Remember to not keep it to 60 seconds!

Harris: Hey, Joe, wtf with not being okay with busing for desegregation back in the 70’s.  Btw, I was one of the kids on the bus, dufus, so here’s your chance on a golden platter to admit a mistake.

Biden: I did not say no to busing, I said no to something having to do with someone else saying no to busing, so it wasn’t me, it was that other guy in this other position that wasn’t mine so I am totally right and you’re wrong.

Harris: WTF, no, you were like so obviously wrong . . .

Biden: Was not!

Harris: Yes you were I have all these facts . . .

Biden: I can’t heeeeaaar you!

Harris: I’m gonna climb over Bernie and put my fist in your . . .

Moderator: Moving on . . . let’s get a new topic . . .

Kirsten Gillibrand: I can talk on any topic and I will, cause I know a lot of stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it.  I have, like, so many experiences, and you just don’t even know what I’ve gone through being an attractive white woman . . .

Harris: Bitch, please.

Moderator: How are you guys going to get your policies past Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell?

Biden: I’m planning on taking him out behind the shed.

Moderator: Works for me!  What’s the first thing you’ll accomplish?

Sanders: (waves hands wildly, smacking Biden on the shoulder – this happened) I – will – create – an American – revolution!  I – right here – will guarantee each and – every – rutabaga – a free education!  I – will – give healthcare!  I will call on the many faced God to – destroy our enemies!

Moderator: Bernie, are you high?

Sanders: Every – man – and woman – should have a chance to smoke weed – or do mushrooms – as a human right!

sanders cray

Rutabagas Have Rights!

Moderator: Okey dokey.  How will you all stop gun violence in 60 seconds?

Swalwell: Everyone can keep their guns!  Except the bad guys!  Wait, am I a Republican?

Moderator: I still have no idea who you are.  I’m going to have to turn off your mike like I did Yang’s.

Yang: (whisper whisper whisper) Hey no fair . . .

Marianne Williamson: On my authority as a self-help author, I say we need to use the power of LOVE and crystals and possibly acupuncture.

Harris: Why is she even here?  

Moderator: She slipped past security.  John Hickenlooper, what’s with your name?

Hickenlooper: I am part looper and part hick, and proud.  At least you can pronounce it, I mean we gonna call the gay guy President Pete?

Buttigieg: It beats President Hickenpooper.

Hickenlooper: Looper.

Moderator: Let’s talk religion.  Gay guy, what do you think of Republicans always spouting religion?  Not asking you in particular for any specific reason of course.

Buttigieg: Pretty sure Jesus cared more about feeding poor people than condemning gays, but he only mentions the poor in the Bible about 50 million times, so what do I know?

Moderator: How about the border?  Since you all love Spanish, I’m assuming you’re all for decriminalizing illegal border crossings?

(all raise their hands except Micheal Bennet)

Michael Bennet: Wait, did I miss something?

Moderator: Just the debate.  Everyone may now proceed to leap onto Biden and rip him to pieces.

(all do so until Biden looks very, very sadfaced)

Moderator: Darn the luck, looks like this debate is over! (look of relief from Biden) Everyone go home and please rethink your life choices. 

democrat dog pile

Biden is under there somewhere.

So there you are, that’s just how it happened, or how I remember it anyway, which is good enough since most of these people will disappear back into the ether by the next round, God help us all.

Your raving reporter Alice again signing off, adios!

Democratic Fun Time Debate: Round 1

Strap yourselves in, guys, cause the next presidential run is fully underway, with just twenty (TWENTY) Democratic contenders  – this beats out the 17 Republican contenders in 2016 – hoping to beat one moronic toddler dictator Republican president.  You’d think at this point we’d be rather confident that we could beat Trump, but you’d be wrong, of course.  There is no way he should have won the first time, and certainly no way he should have a shot in Hades of winning this time, but this is America, and the land is dark and full of morons.

game of thrones politics

If only they were running: pretty sure dragons could win this for us.

Speaking of stupidity, let’s get to the candidates.  I wanted to write this before watching any commentary or reading any articles by “professional debate reporters” so that you could get it from the point of view of a confused blogger.  You’re welcome.  This first debate reminded me a little too strongly of an episode of Game of Thrones.  You aren’t sure who half the characters are, but it doesn’t matter because most of them are likely to be killed off pretty quickly.  This might be literal for some of these candidates, who are really freaking old.  This is not just some ageist remark.  I recently watched Biden, our 76 year old former Vice President who obviously has a great deal of political experience – despite being somewhat out of touch with reality – stumble on multiple words during the high point of his speech at a rally.  It was less like, ah well everyone flubs a word, and more like OMG is he having a stroke?

democrat-candidate-debate-line-up-miami-first-night

Our Hope for the Future!!!

We didn’t get a shot at Biden last night, but we got ten other guys and gals (we get the other ten today, oh woot!).  It wasn’t just a stretch of white guys, nope, there were three, count ’em, three women, at least one of whom had a purpose to be there, a black guy, and a Hispanic guy.  Also several tall white guys. I watched the debate with my Things, who tried to help me out in remembering who was who, or at least catching their names on the screen when they talked.  Thing Two took some great pictures, as you’ll see below.  Anyway, they threw the candidates up on screen like we were on a giant-sized episode of Jeopardy, complete with podiums that light up when the candidate rings in, er, speaks.  So here they are:

Senator Elizabeth Warren (Girl!  Rough around the edges but has a puppy!)

Senator Corey Booker (The black guy with the shiny head)

Representative Beto O’Rourke (Guy from Texas with a hot mugshot)

Representative Tulsi Gabbard (Another girl!)

Mayor Bill de Blasio (White New Yorker guy)

Former Hud Secretary Julian Castro (Hispanic guy!)

Sen Amy Klobacher (what are all these women persons doing here?)

Gov. Jay Inslee (I . . .have no idea.  Some white guy.)

Rep. John Delaney (Again no clue.)

Rep. Tim Ryan ( Um?)

It was kind of hard for most of them to stand out.  I did recognize Beto O’Rourke, former representative from Texas who just ran for governor and lost by one of the narrowest margins in Texas history, a state that has run red for decades.  That may be as much an example of how much Republicans have sucked as it is Beto’s actual qualifications.  Anyhoo, it turns out he is not half Mexican, half Irish (I’d love to see that household!) but just a guy with an Irish name and a Hispanic nickname.  He does speak Spanish as he lets everyone know by randomly starting out answering a question in Spanish.  I think I was supposed to be impressed, but mostly I was confused as despite years of Spanish in school, I didn’t know what he was saying.

ryan please help this man.jpg

Not O’Rourke, Ryan.  But seriously, poor guy looked like this all evening.

At least he had the excuse of speaking another language with his confusion, along with two others (I think) who also showed they could speak another language.  Look, guys, we have limited time – just send us a resume with your skills, mmkay?  

I don’t have the patience (or the memory) to cover how they didn’t really answer the questions, so here’s just a little sample for brevity’s sake.

Moderator: Booker, could you answer this question about black people, you being black and all and representing black people?

Corey Booker: Yes, I could, and much better than Beto there, who had really dumb policies and is so not as hot as I am . . .

Beto O’Rourke: Oh yeah, people loved my mug shot, man, what you talkin’ about . . .

Booker: I’m speaking here, what do you think this is, debate?

Beto O’Rourke: Spanish people love me, watch me speak Spanish! Estupido!

booker warren give stink eye to rork

Beto, please stop.  Alto!

Moderator: Maybe later, O’Rourke, let’s ask Julio Castro – that is you and not your twin right?

Julian Castro: Maaaybe, Hola!  Como estas!

Moderator: Right, so, how about those Latinos?  Should we let them in?  You being the Latino representative here.

Beto O’Rourke: Me too!  They call me Beto . . .

Julian Castro: You’re white, please stop.  I have interesting things to say.

Moderator: Enough of that!  

Elizabeth Warren: I’m concerned about Tim Ryan over there.  His eyes are bulging out like he just got pantsed big time.

Tim Ryan: I literally can’t blink.

Moderator: He’ll be fine.  Now let’s have this white male candidate talk about women’s issues.  No pressure.

White male candidate: I have a good record on women’s issues, and they should get abortions, cause I want to live.

Amy Klobacher: I think these two women candidates and I know better.  Cause women!  Am I right?  Huh?

Moderator: Your fellow candidates are staring in horror.  Shut up.  Now about the environment .  . .

Tulsi Gabbar: I’m for the environment.  But you should know that I don’t just have good cheekbones.  I was in the military!  Unlike you wimps.

Beto O’Rourke: Hey, I have good cheekbones too!

Elizabeth Warren: This is not about cheekbones!  This is about giving away free stuff – like free college for all, and no more homework for schoolchildren ever.  You get a diploma, you get a diploma, YOU get a diploma!

Amy Klobacher: But who is going to fund this college?

Elizabeth Warren:  Your face is, Amy.

Moderator: Back to the questions, please raise your hand if you would like to pander to your audience.

(All raise hands)

Moderator: Great, each of you gets 45 seconds and not one second more . . . I mean it . . . I’m going to get the water bottle . . .

(Sprays all candidates with a hose until they stop talking.)

So that was part one!  How did you guys feel about it?  Did you get that sinking feeling that we are totally screwed?  Well don’t give up yet, wait until tonight when we have the second round with Biden, Sanders, the way overqualified gay guy, and the others.  Then give up.  

Stay tuned, this is Alice, your raving reporter, signing out.

All My Thrones

Hey, all, I was cleaning out my draft folder of doom, and found this review of Game of Thrones from er 2014 (?) that I possibly didn’t publish, since I can’t find it anywhere.   Since people are all into the last season and all that, I figured I’d throw it up here so they can be reminded that it’s been insane since the beginning.  Also, it’s a post!  Check out up top for like a few other episodes, woot.

The continuing stooooory of a show that's gone to the dogs.

The continuing stooooory of a show that’s gone to the dogs.

Welcome back, sparkleponies!  It’s gonna be a hot time in the old Westeros tonight!  Or something!  A really cool thing happens in this episode.  It involves Rat Nose and a bunch of molten gold.  But we’ll get to that.

But it’s the best part of the episode.  Besides Tyrion, naturally.

We start off with Ned lying in bed with a big owie.  King Fatty and Queen Bitchy argue about what to do with Ned.  The king is like crap, just get your stupid wife to release Tyrion who is the only decent part of this show and make up with that creeper Jaime so I can get back to drinking.  Queen Bitchy wants him punished cause he’s so irritatingly good and then insults her husband saying she wears the iron pants in this family.  He slaps her.  I don’t normally applaud this, but in her case, yay!

Ned wants to go home, but the king is like if I have to suffer so do you, and gives him his job as the Hand back.  Ned says “oh yay.”

My life still sucks.

My life still sucks.

Dany of the Barbarians plays with dragon eggs and fire, but doesn’t get burned.  Do not try this with dragon eggs at home, kids.

That stupid three-eyed raven appears in Bran Stark’s dream again and I have no idea what that means and don’t care.  His saddle is made so he gets to happily ride off straight into trouble which is what happens when you have a teenager babysit his little brother.  Bran is nearly killed by a bunch of forest hobos, but is rescued, so we get to continue to hear him whine.  Yay.

Nevermore!

Nevermore!

Arya Stark practices with her sword fighting instructor, who looks like some dude from the cast of Fame.  She learns the only god she should worship is Death, and she should tell him “Not today.”  Considering this story, you might as well worship death cause you see a lot of the guy, and it probably will be today.

Back to Dany again who is eating a bloody horse heart.  Yummy!  She has to eat the whole thing and not puke so someone can do a prophecy of her unborn kid – yeah that’s right, she’s pregnant, remember? She manages to keep it down, cause, wtf how did she do that?  I couldn’t keep down toast! Anyway, the priestess says she will have “the stallion that mounts the world” and the less said about that the better.  Dany yells that she’ll name her son Prego or something and the barbarians chant while Beefcake carries her around like she won the Superbowl.

Say what you will, the Dorkraki make damn good barbecue.

Say what you will, the Dorkraki make damn good barbecue.

Tyrion offers to confess to his crimes and is taken out of his sky cell.  His crimes include lying, gambling, cheating, sleeping with prostitutes, and playing practical jokes.  Hell, he’s so pure compared to the others he could be on this world’s Barney and Friends.  Then he insists on a trial from Lady Psycho (Cate Stark’s sister.)  It occurs to me I’m going to have trouble distinguishing people if I name them “pscyho”.  Anyway, he gets his trial by combat.  Psycho’s champion is a noble knight and Tyrion’s is a sword by hire named Brawn or yeah that works.  Tyrion’s buddy wins, cause remember honor = stupid.  Tyrion walks out of the place whistling.

My only crime is pure awesomeness.

My only crime is pure awesomeness.

King Fatty goes hunting while his squire (part of the eeeevil Lannister fam) gives him more and more wine.  I can’t imagine where THIS could be going.

A peasant refugee from some massacre (ain’t that always happenin’ with them peasants?) says that Mountain guy, who works for the Lannisters (doesn’t everyone?) was behind it.  Why?  Out of revenge for Ned’s idiot wife taking Tyrion.  D’oh!  So Ned declares the guy an enemy of the throne, cause doing that to someone who works for the sociopaths in charge is a brilliant idea.  Remember.  Nobility = No Common Sense.

What the hell, author's gonna kill me soon anyway.  And don't you have any other shots of me, Alice?

What the hell, author’s gonna kill me soon anyway. And don’t you have any other shots of me, Alice?

Sansa Stark (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) acts like a rude little twit to her . . . nurse?  I dunno, and like Sansa, I don’t care.  Joffrey pretends to be sorry and gives her a kiss (fumigate, fumigate) and Sansa is all in LURRVE and mad, mad, mad that Dad is making her leave this charming place for her own safety!  Gawd, Dad!  Ned looks in the Big Book o’ Thrones and sees that all the others in the king’s line had black hair but his kids have blond hair which means oh-oh unless you know, genetics, but they don’t know that stuff I guess so oh well.

Back with the barbarians, Rat Nose gets drunk and threatens to kill Dany’s baby right in front of Beefcake, who is like 3 of Rat Nose.  Beefcake finally gets fed up and tells him he can have his crown.  Then he has his men hold Rat Nose down while he throws gold in a hot cauldron and Rat Nose thinks oh crap, this might have been a bad idea, right before Beefcake pours gold all over his head, saying “A crown for a king.”  Dude only knows like 10 words, but he makes them count.  Buh-bye Rat Nose!

That's a good look for you, Rat Nose!

That’s a good look for you, Rat Nose!

Now for our song.  To the tune of “The Love Boat”

Game of Thrones (The Death Boat)

Boobs, not exciting or new
Climb Aboard. They’re expecting you. (bwah ha ha)
Death, life’s final reward.
Stab someone, they’ll try to stab you too
Game-of-Thrones!  Soon they’ll be killing another dude
Game-of-Thrones! Promises something for everyone
Sex and violence
And Tyrion insulting peeps
The show, inspiring for sure
Like an open wound or a festering sore
Game of Throoooooooooones! It’s Game of Throoooones! (hey-ah!)

Season 1, Episode 6

Death toll: 2, some knight guy, Rat Nose

Nakey toll: 1, Some prostitute lifts up her dress as a goodbye.  And some people just send cards!