Actual headlines at Cosmopolitan.com today *:
Is the Sex Diet Legit?
It’s Coming: Obama Erotica
Hoo-ha smells that aren’t okay
Let no one say Cosmo does not have their hands on the . . . the throbbing pulse of America! This is um, hard news here, people. Since I am trying to lose weight, I figured I’d better check out that Sex Diet first. I think I could handle that.
And OMG, it is so totally legit because Dr. Oz (he’s a real doctor, supposedly, who used to be on Oprah’s show, not the actual land of Oz, although I did hear he successfully treated members of the Lollipop Guild) said so! See, evil carbs cause you to gain weight (cinnamon rollsssss) because they release feel good chemicals and you want more. Sex releases feel good chemicals too! Do you see the connection? I know, it’s like right there!
So our Cosmo reporter decided to bravely test this diet out (for science!) and reach for a condom instead of cheesecake. I do hope she doesn’t eat the condom. Anyhoo, she decides to do this for five days. On day one, she goes to work and watches a clip of True Blood and is so, um, satisfied, by the hot vampire that she no longer wants a donut! And I’m thinking, I want her job. And the donut.
Day Two she watches more TV, this time some show all about diners (sounds fascinating) and gets a craving for carbs and jumps hubby. Hubby must not be as good as the vampire, because she still goes out and gets chips later. Hmm.
Day Three she hears about cupcakes in the work breakroom and sexts her husband to keep her mind off of the cupcakes. Good plan. My husband would probably be like “wtf I’m trying to work” but hers begrudgingly gives her a little something and the craving is gone. Gone!
Day Four the deli brings her toast with her eggs. Oh, nooos! She jumps her hubby, though, and she forgets about food. I’m starting to think Ana Steele wrote this article.
The last day, she gets such bad cravings they have to use porn to stop them! I bet her husband at least likes the diet. Alas, it doesn’t work. So it seems the sex diet is off. Damn.
I guess she should have checked out some “Obama Erotica” instead. Now I like Obama, but I had never really thought of him quite that way before. Sure, I had that dream about him being my prom date (seriously) but that’s it. Well, guess what book pops to this reporter’s mind you will never guess! 50 Shades! Yes, because apparently this is another fan fiction (about the President?) getting all hot with Michelle in Hawaii. I think this person missed the boat. Clearly Clinton porn would have been more interesting, especially with all the multiple characters and whatnot.
Speaking of porn, I wondered if maybe my hoo-ha was alright, you know, smell wise. According to Cosmo, your hoo-ha (what do they call penises? I have to know.) has all sorts of smells. I’m intrigued. It can smell strong and musky (if you’ve just been to the gym or had sex with Squirrel), or fishy (if you’ve just had sex with ice cream.) Cosmo provides a helpful picture of cooked fish beside this part, so that you will never want to eat it again.
Odor number 3 is “chlorine-like or bleachy” and typically comes from gettin’ a little too personal with your laundry detergent. Or from a man using a condom. Odor four describes yeast infections as smelling like bread and the discharge looking like cottage cheese. Anyone up for some fish with a side of cottage cheese? Odor number five is “tinny” and happens when you stick canned foods in your nether regions. Or when you’re on your period.
And finally, odor number six is “sweet”. Apparently you do what you eat, cause different foods cause different hoo-ha smells (and tastes!) I’ve always wanted my hoo-ha to have a citrus smell, like my kitchen cleaner. So I’ll eat oranges and avoid the asparagus which apparently can give your hoo-ha an unpleasant aroma. If only Ana from 50 Shades would eat some asparagus then have Christian come sniff her hoo-ha. That would be great.
So you see, you can learn so much from Cosmo. Now I’m off to go curb my carb addiction with hubby just as soon as I freshen up my hoo-ha and watch Obama’s hot and heavy State of the Union address.
*You cannot make this shit up.
Ana wakes up the next morning and wants to watch Christian sleep, but can’t because she has “needs – bathroom needs”. Her subconscious wakes up too so that she can “stare at Ana with pursed lips, tapping her foot.” One of the voices in her head has started slut shaming her now. I’m just going to say this now. I’m not making this shit up.
For just a second she wonders if sleeping with total psycho is a good idea, but then she puts her hair in pigtails and skips off to the kitchen to make Christian breakfast. As she remembers her night o’ passion, she has more belly clenching. Then her subconscious starts screaming at her. She really needs to get that checked out.
She cooks the bacon under the grill, which seems like a strange way to do it. Christian comes into the kitchen and makes a vague threat and Ana wishes he would not be so cryptic. Right, cause it’s not like he’s spelled out all his psychotic tendencies in a contract or something oh WAIT. He orders her to eat again. She says she’s not hungry. He yells at her to eat. Ana eats, scolding herself for putting so much on her plate. Yeah, that’s the problem, Ana, your serving sizes.
Ana begs Christian to let her talk to Kate about the sex stuff since she’s so clueless and he informs her that she can ask him. You know, Christian, the one with the room full of torture instruments. They take a bath together. Ana feels desire “down there.” Again. And she bites her lip. Again. And this turns Christian on. Again. And then – this is one of my favorite parts. Christian says “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body.” He introduces her to his penis! More hilarity ensues – from me, anyway. That reminds me, for some real fun, you should go to Jennifer’s blog and check out her “Name Christian’s Penis” contest. It is full of win.
Ana gives her first blow job and deep throats him and is so awesome at it even though yesterday she barely knew what a penis was. Ana’s inner goddess emerges again and drools. They leave the tub and Christian ties her hands up with that tie on the cover and Ana thinks “Holy crap.” Then he sexes on her and . . . licks her feet. And then, and then she realizes he is going to kiss her “there”.
Just as they finish the sexing, they hear a voice outside. Zomg, guys, Christian’s mom is there and they are so busted! And so ends Chapter Nine.
Chapter Ten begins and the scene keeps going like the Energizer dildo bunny. Christian orders Ana to get dressed and Ana (giggle) puts on Christian’s boxers, omg, and then she puts on her Converse shoes. They both wear Converse shoes, and take Advil and Nyquil and how many companies are sponsoring this book? She meets Christian’s mommy and blah blah boring and then Jose – the near rapist – calls her and she feels all guilty cause she didn’t call him back. Yeah, Ana, what gives?
Christian’s mommy leaves and his mouth becomes that “hard line” again because Ana talked to another boy. He does more business talk on his phone, cause he’s like a business man, you know? And then he gives Ana the ouchy sexy times contract to look over and advises she do some research. What an idea. Ana reveals that she is the only college student in existence to not have a laptop.
And so they end the chapter. Wait. I check my Nook and it says there are fourteen pages left in this chapter and oh my God you must be kidding me. Christian and Ana leave the room and get in the elevator and Ana asks permission to talk to her friend and Christian says it will all be better when she “submits” and stops “defying” him and then they get in Christian’s car which is a Audi R8 Spyder (cough, product placement) and they drive on the Interstate and listen to music and then what the hell there are still 11 pages left and they stop for food. Because Ana must eat.
Ana wants a Diet Coke but Christian knows better and orders her wine. And the waitress is all hot for Christian because he’s Christian and omg so hot. Christian tells Ana about how his mother’s friend “seduced” him into the whole S&M thing when he was fifteen, which even Ana realizes is statutory rape, but Christian just “smiles fondly at the memory” because he is a freaking psychopath.
He orders her to eat and she says no but he says yes so she eats and he drives her home and he kisses her hand which is “such an old-fashioned, sweet gesture.” And she enters her apartment and crap there are still six pages left and the inner goddess is happy which makes one of us and Ana and Kate go blah blah blah and Ana reveals that even though it was her first time she orgasmed like fifty times because she’s a special snowflake and it occurs to her that hey maybe that NDA he had her sign is not legally enforceable. Hmm. And they talk about moving (closer to Christian! Squeal!) and blah blah and Jose calls and three pages left double crap and Ana tells Jose the attack was like no biggie and Ana ponders Christian again but teeny brain syndrome so she finally opens the envelope with the contract and the chapter ends oh thank you God.
“Oh . . . what to do?” (Ch9 p126)
Leave or get murdered? Ana just can’t decide!