What? You know I have to do a special on the holidays, even the lame ones. Like this one. What do we know about St. Patrick? He is a saint, and he, um, is Irish. But there’s something you probably don’t know about old St. Patrick. That’s right. He is a leprechaun. An evil leprechaun at that.
The guy loves green, especially green beer. This is because he is Irish, and Irish people drink a lot. And bet on boxing matches. I know this because I watched the movie Far and Away. He also likes to torture small children by not letting them eat his sugar coma inducing cereal, Lucky Charms. St. Patrick, in other words, is a jerk.
He’s big on “luck”. A four-leaf-clover is supposed to mean good luck. I have no idea why this dumb clover is good luck. I’ve never found one with four leaves, but I spent hours in the backyard looking for one as a kid. Wait. I think I know why my parents were so big on St. Patrick’s Day now.
St. Patrick is also greedy. He is always putting his gold in these giant pots and hiding them all over the place, and trying to get stupid people to figure out where it is. Oh, hey, Mr. IRS man, my pot o’ gold is . . . uh . . . at the end of the rainbow! Go for it!
And since he loves green, he gets really pissed if someone isn’t wearing it. That’s why he encouraged school kids to pinch one another if they forget to wear green to school. As if young children needed more reasons to mess with one another. “What did you do for St. Patrick’s day, kids?” “Pinched my classmates till I drew blood!” “Great, have a green beer.”
I’m not sure why the Catholic Church made a leprechaun a saint. Maybe it was a joke. Or maybe they had too much green sacramental wine. Or possibly I made all this crap up again. Happy St. Paddy’s Day. If someone pinches you, punch them. And have a green beer.