Tag Archives: infomercials

How to Cure Insomnia

Have you ever had trouble falling asleep?   Have you ever woken up earlier than you wanted?  Do you have that dream where you can’t find a private bathroom?  Are you a human?  Of course!  But you are in luck, because I, Alice, have discovered the cure for insomnia using scientific methods based on reading scholarly articles from Pop Psychology Now.  To prove my qualifications I will throw on a doctor’s white jacket and list all the letters after my name.

Dr. Alice Hatter BA MA MLS MD VIP HBO ‘SUP

Trust me.

Trust me.

So there you have it!  But hey, you are wanting to know the secret to a good night’s sleep, heck you have been up all night long wanting to know the secret.  So I’m going to tell you.  But in order to more firmly convince you that I am legit, I have to admit that I once had a problem with insomnia as well.  And wow, did I.  Let me tell you how I deal with this dreaded monster insomnia.

Popular knowledge says that you should not lay in bed too long thinking “Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep OMGGGG SLEEEEP” because then your bed becomes an uninviting place.  I highly doubt that knowledge because I am able to sleep splendidly.  Granted this is during the day because I have the sleep cycle of a cat.  Being awake at night really stinks because there is no one to talk to, and people do not especially like being woken up from a sound sleep.  I remember clearly how much I did not like it when my children were babies and woke me up repeatedly night after night, because babies are jerks.  My husband is gifted with an on / off switch that allows him to flip the switch every night and go instantly to sleep.  I love this man dearly.  But that makes me want to hit him with a hammer.

Where's that hammer?

He’s SLEEPING again.

After I get tired of pleading with my brain to sleep, I get up and go to the living room where I watch T.V.  Now other so-called experts will say it is not a good idea to turn on a T.V. or a computer (like I am typing on now at 11:15 P.M.) because that causes your cicada rhythms to get mixed up and makes you more awake.  I didn’t know cicadas had rhythm, but man those things can keep you up because they are even noisier than crickets.  At least they don’t get in the house like crickets with their incessant chirping “Hey baby, get out of my dreams and into the shoe I’m hiding in right now.”  They are too stupid to realize that there probably aren’t female crickets in the house, and if there were, they would be wanting to hit them with a hammer.

Anyway, I watched T.V. the other night, and I found an informerical.  Salesmen have decided that insomniacs are a perfect target for products so awesome that they go completely insane, nearly wetting themselves, in anticipation of marketing them to us.  The infomercial I watched was about wrinkle cream, specifically made for crepey skin.  Do you not know what crepey skin is?  Congrats I will tell you now!  “Crepey” comes from crepe paper, you know that thin, rough paper stuff you toss around to be festive.  Now imagine your skin looking like that, only without the pretty colors, draped from the ceiling!  Cool, huh?  I wasn’t disgusted by this in the least!  Even the word is delightful.  Crepe, crepe, crepe.

This product was endorsed by a doctor – of what I’m not certain, but she had that frozen grin that says I have given away all my integrity for cash.

She is in a white coat and has "Dr." in front of her name. I'm convinced!

She is in a white coat and has “Dr.” in front of her name. I’m convinced!

Did you hear that?  Seriously groundbreaking, like seriously™.  But nevermind that stupid doctor, we’ve got Jane Seymour endorsing it!  No, not the one who married Henry VIII, the actress that was on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Babe (she played a doctor!) who lived on the prairie with this hot guy who had hung with the Indians and was hot.  Jane is 64 now, yet still looks fab, and it’s all thanks to Trufirm Crepe Erase™.  I’m sure her appearance has nothing to do with (A) plastic surgery, (B) winning the genetic lottery, 0r (C) plastic surgery.

Crepe Erase™ – seriously guys do not steal this name – is special because it has natural products in it like shea butter, rejuvenating extracts (vanilla and tree sap), and dried acorns.  It restores collagen (that’s the plumping stuff in your skin that keeps you from looking like an old crone) through an ancient Chinese secret and then you look 30 years younger.  You get two products, an exfoliating body scrub designed to relieve you of your pesky skin, and the Intensive Body Repair Treatment, all for just 39.95 per month plus shipping and handling!  As a free gift, you get eye cream, cause man your eyes look super gross.  Please wear sunglasses.

It’s not just Jane endorsing this, no, we’ve also got Dorothy Hamill, former ice skater, and if you can’t trust an actress and an ice skater, who can you trust?  Why, Jane even frolicked on the beach in her bikini, which wasn’t at all obnoxious.

Just 40 dollars and a deal with the Devil and you can look like me!

Just 40 dollars and a deal with the Devil and you can look like me!

So there you go!  Oh, wait, I didn’t get to the cure for insomnia yet, did I?  Well, join me next time and I’m sure I’ll have more fabulous ideas for you.  Even now I am coming up with Consciousness Erase™, designed to knock you out in seconds!  One of the key ingredients is a hammer.

Any of you dealing with insomnia?  Anybody click on this link thinking you’d find useful information?    Let me know in the comments below!



How Do You Blog?

Recently I wrote a post on Canvas on overwhelmation.  And I am definitely feeling it now.  Pretty soon, they’re going to expect me to go back to work.  I’m better, much, much better, but still when I go to the bookstore, I’m good for about ten, fifteen minutes tops before my body says “Holy crap, go home!”  So I’m thinking if fifteen minutes is hard, eight hours might be slightly harder.  There is also the process of working out sick leave (like not having any) and if I qualify for something called sick leave pool, the logistics of which probably inspired the book Catch-22.

My employee handbook

So I was thinking stressing on this and Thing Two started coughing.  And then running fever.  And I said, “Oh, crap.”  (I say this a lot.) I guess I was just hoping the powers that be or whatever would give me say enough time to quit being sick myself before striking a kid.  Yeah, not so much.  Even better, she has the ability to go from lying still (freaky for this kid) to bouncing about while chattering non-stop until my brains threaten to explode within minutes.

Mommy, what are you doing? I want a buffalo for Christmas! I was reading this story and it was about this and this and this and are you listening Mommy and my buddy said that I was weird and I don’t like bullies why do people bully it isn’t nice and it’s against school policy and that’s not fair and what’s on T.V.? I think I might throw up. No, false alarm, it’s a burp and do you want to play dolls?

So this, and work, and sick, and laundry, and whatever the hell else I’m supposed to be doing has not made it any easier to sleep at night. Well, that and sleeping during the day, which you get used to when you feel too crappy to do anything else, and then it’s hard to break the cycle.  So since I can’t sleep, I get up and write.  And then it occurs to me (and look we’re getting to the supposed point of this post) that maybe I should try to set some sort of boundaries on my blogging.  Boundaries I’d like to set other places, like work (not so many hours) or parenting (not so many hours) or laundry (Why are there so many clothes and where the frack are the socks?) 

Husband: So like I’m not supposed to dry your underwire bras in the dryer?
Wife: I’m going to kill you.

Thing is, I love feedback.  Love, love, love it.  I am extremely susceptible to compliments.  I feed on good press, and then I’m compelled to do more, more, more!  But then I lie awake at night and along with everything else think – am I doing too much posting?  Am I annoying?  Am I pressable?  What if I write something and they think I’m not funny?  You know, like Sinatra when his voice started going but he kept singing and no one wanted to tell him to shut up?  Wait, I forgot what point I was trying to make here.

There’s a point here somewhere . . .

Oh, yeah, insecurity.  I has it.  And night time is a great time to think about this.  Which is why insomnia really sucks, unless you are just dying to catch up on infomercials.  Like this one for this leaf blower that is apparently more awesome than Jesus.  Maybe it’s powered by Jesus.  Or possibly the people in the commercial are on drugs.  They are very, very happy about this leaf blower.  And after a while, I’m thinking, I should get that leaf blower. Then I too could blow away spider webs with the force of a helicopter taking off.

Wait, that’s not a leaf blower – he’s a freaking Ghostbuster!

Anyway, I’m hoping to get my sleep cycles out of “infant” and back to “semi-adult”.  But even when I do, I still have to decide how to balance my life.  Get it? Balance.  Hahahaha. As if mothers, whether SAHMS or working moms, can ever balance their lives. I mean, unless they’re like Ann Romney and have servants and crap.  But I should probably try to balance the blogging.  So here’s the question.  How do you blog?  Do you blog every day?  Once a week?  Twice a week?  Randomly?  Do you keep a schedule?  Do you remember where your children are, or who they are?  Have you bathed lately, because I can smell you from here, I’m just sayin’. 

I dunno, do you think you should be juggling the baby?

I’d appreciate the feedback on this, because I’m trying to figure out some way to balance at least one tiny part of my life but I’m unsure how to do it.  I mean, I realize it’s up to me, but I’ve got Sinatra complex, and also ideas running about my head like mad, which makes it hard to make any decision, including what I’m going to have for supper.  So tell me how you blog, and how you came to that decision, and how long you’ve been doing it, and how you paid off those WordPress people in order to get pressed.  I really want to know.  And then maybe I can figure out how I blog as well.

I don’t get it.
Where are their faces???

Also, wtf with the jerky-I’m-gonna-take-my-sweet-time crap going on while writing and editing your posts on WordPress lately?  Huh?  It’s annoying. 

As Always,