Okay, chapter nine of Ana’s memoirs was a little different. There is a short scene where Ana dries Christian’s back, and he has to face his fear of the touchies. It’s actually not completely vomitrociously terrible! For a few paragraphs, there was such bliss.
But then it went back to normal and got horrible again. Who the hell am I going to interview for this crap this time?
Alice: Oh. Hello again, Ana. Is it Ana this time? Or inner goddess? Please say it’s not inner goddess.
Subconscious: No, no, it’s me. Subconscious. I gagged inner goddess with a pom pom.
Alice: Lovely. I thought I would point out that there’s no way Ana would know you were around since your subconscious exists below consciousness. That’s kind of the whole definition of subconscious.
Subconscious: I am going to tap my foot and wave my finger at you.
Alice: Whatever. Okay, so what’s been happening with Christian and Ana? Any more Leila with a gun?
Subconscious: No. This is all about the love between Christian and Ana. He told her he loves her! I stood in stunned silence.
Alice: Me too. But I spend most of the book like this.
Subconscious: They had a shower, and Ana dried Christian off. I nodded with approval, for she is the puppet master.
Alice: Um, yeah, I think she’s actually the puppet. He controls her and enjoys putting his hand up her hoo-ha.
Subconscious: They made love but for some weird reason she didn’t explain every detail and she asked about his real father but he said it wasn’t crack whore mom’s pimp. And then Christian had a surprise for her!
Alice: A brand new buttplug?
Subconscious: No. He decided to take her on his boat. He owns a boat. It’s really big and expensive and he owns it.
Alice: I’m so impressed. So what happened on the boat?
Subconscious: Well, first they had to get to the boat. They took a quick detour so Christian could buy her a car.
Alice: Of course. Logical thing to do on a date.
Subconscious: I was mortified at the whole car buying business! She wanted a convertible, of all things, and I tried to say something but that inner goddess bitch tackled me to the floor!
Alice: I . . . yeah, I got nothing.
Subconscious: So they bought the car, but then Christian had to have Ana eat. And she wondered if this would ever get old.
Alice: It has.
Subconscious: Christian talked all about how perfect and wonderful and successful he was and then they got to the boat!
Subconscious: We met a handsome man named Mac who I guess works on the boat. I’m not sure. He wore a pink polo shirt. Then Christian gave Ana a tour of the boat, which is really big, and expensive, and big. And he showed her the bedroom and said it was the first time he’d ever taken a girl in there!
Alice: Why do I think it’s not the first time he’s had Mac in that room?
Subconscious: They decided to christen the bed later.
Alice: Can’t wait.
Subconscious: Christian got off on strapping Ana into a life jacket and she called him “my pervert” and he said “yes, yours.”
Alice: Is that her new pet name for him? It’s not bad.
Subconscious: They joked about rope tricks, and I glared at her. That is so improper.
Alice: Must be fun being in her head, then.
Subconscious: No. It is not. Especially not sharing space with that inner goddess! Pardon me. Next he had Ana pilot the boat, almost like that scene in Titanic.
Alice: Did they hit an iceberg?
Subconscious: No. She had a fabulous time, but I kept her in line. I told her she was a lucky bitch, but that soon enough he wasn’t going to want this vanilla sex stuff and she’d have to compromise by getting beaten up again.
Subconscious: Next they had sex. And it went on. And on. And on. That stupid twit inner goddess cheered and spelled S-E-X with letters. I read an entire issue of Ladies Home Journal. I know how to make popcorn balls now.
Alice: Well, that was illuminating. Thank you, subconscious. Keep up with the slut shaming and all that.
Subconscious: Will do. Excuse me. Inner goddess spat out the pom pom.
Alice: Please tell me that’s the last voice. Please.
Okay, I’m at a loss as to who to interview next. This chapter of Ana’s memoirs is filled almost entirely with meaningless sex and cray cray. Who could possibly be an authority on that? Ana, is that you?
Inner Goddess: Oh, no I’m inner goddess. Ana and subconscious are out today.
Alice: Right. Hell, why not? So what’s it like being one of the voices in Ana’s head?
Inner Goddess: Well, for the longest time like I was just so, so bored, you know? I mean like Ana totally wasn’t worth anything because she didn’t have a guy and no guy was like good enough for her because she only loves literary heroes and psychos and she like hadn’t met either yet but then she met Christian and OMG he is so HOT and I have like been so totally happy ever since!
Alice: This interview is going to suck.
Inner Goddess: I am like an expert on sucking! I taught Ana all about how to –
Alice: Yeah, that’s okay. We know.
Inner Goddess: So there was all this up and down and in and out and all around and they did the hokey pokey and I did triple salcows! And Ana touched Christian some more around the lipstick marks.
Alice: How long has he had that lipstick on him?
Inner Goddess: Pretty sure it was Revlon Long Lasting in Sex Me Up Red.
Alice: Well that explains it.
Inner Goddess: Ana got dressed in a like beautiful gown like totally better than Cinderella, and then her prince, that’s Christian, slid her sparkly . . .
Inner Goddess: No silly, vaginal balls. He slid them up her “down there”.
Alice: For a charity ball at his parents’ home. He’s having her wear – why am I surprised? Okay, what happened next, if anything?
Inner Goddess: He gave her a mask and they got in the car and they talked while the balls went whush whush into her hoo ha, and I waved my pom poms and they got to the ball which was really big with like all these bitches that were bitchin’ about my Ana because she is way hotter and specialer than any of those hos. And she met his grandparents, but like who cares because they are so old and Mia was bouncing like she was high on crack again and Miss European Pigtails showed up which really made Ana mad and . . . Alice are you okay?
Alice: Fine, thanks.
Inner Goddess: But you’re beating your head on the table. That looks painful.
Alice: No, no, do go on.
Inner Goddess: Okey dokey. So Ana and Christian so wanted to have sexy times cause they were at this charity ball, right, and what else would you want to do? And Ana had to get the vag balls out of her hoo ha, but then Mia went to the potty with her before Christian could, so she just stuffed the balls in her purse and they both were pouty because they like didn’t get to DO IT and we were so horny and drunk that we decided to bid all the money Christian gave us on this Aspen home. He has lots of homes, you know, like McCain, and he also can’t remember how many. That is so cute! Oh, but you know Christian will be so mad at Ana because OMG she used money he gave her to like bet on something without his permission so we are totally left on a cliffhanger, Alice! Alice? Alice?
Alice: Oh, are you done?
Inner Goddess: I knew you weren’t listening. It’s because you’re a blond in a cute little blue dress with a pinafore. Your kind can’t be trusted.
Alice: That must be it. Thanks so much, Inner Goddess. Please go away now.
Inner Goddess: Oh, I’ll never go away. I am a part of you with my happy, happy pom poms and my voice of pure joy and horniness and oh noo don’t take that antipsychotic nooooooooo I’m melting!
Alice: Much better. Stay tuned next time when we interview Dr. Flynn. I think I will need his services. Don’t you, subconscious?
When I reached the end of this turdbucket, um, bestselling book, I felt . . . oh my, what’s the word? Like my inner goddess was assaulted by a stupid stick repeatedly, causing me to bite my lip and frown in a hard line. I’ve forgotten how to make basic sentences, and I no longer remember to eat. My subconscious and I just sit around and drink. And think about Christian. How will we ever survive without our special psychopath? I mean they broke up and . . .
There’s another book. Wait, what? How could there be a second . . . there are THREE of them? Wow, that’s just . . . like caramel mocha fudge brownie buttplugs. . . or something. What will become of Christian and Ana’s epic romance? What role will the riding crop play? Will there be zombies? I mean, besides Ana?
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but inner goddess has woken from her stupor and is insisting I read these other books because she feeds on stupid and there are no new episodes of Teen Mom on T.V. right now. Damn that inner goddess!
So I went to Amazon to find the next book, 50 Shades More Profit, or something like that. And there are all these reviews of the first book . . . positive reviews. And I think a lot of them must be from real people. And I’m so curious why people, especially women people, love this book. Inner goddess insisted I look, though subconscious really just wanted another shot.
So I looked and . . . I just . . . don’t even. Here’s a brief summary of the positive reviews (there are at this moment 4, 239 five star reviews). “Christian is a great male lead because he is so hot and charming! Anastasia is so sweet and her inner voices are cute! You cannot put the book down it is so intense! And it’s not just about sex, it is a LOVE STORY because Ana changes this tortured man with her love. I’ve read each book ten times each. They are the best books I have ever read!”
Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if their opinion is wrong. But still, these reviews, along with the many, many, Holy Double Crap, many articles praising the work and how it has done wonders for the sex lives of couples make me weep a little for the future of humanity. But then I find sanity in blogs written by people with way more talent and possibly too much free time and I have hope. Also there are the negative reviews. Amazon currently has 3, 456 one star reviews, and as one reviewer says, the reviews are far better than the books themselves. I have included some of the honest-to-goodness review titles so you can get an idea.
First there are plays on the books title . . .
50 Shades of Really Bad
50 Shades of Dysfunction
50 Shades of Suicidal Thoughts
50 Shades of Regret
50 Shades of Stupid
50 Shades of don’t self publish
“50 Shades of REFUND,” I murmured dryly with a wry smirk.
50 Shades of Boring
50 Shades of Awful
50 Shades of Crap
50 Shades of Bad
50 Shades of B.S.
50 Shades of Amateur
50 Shades of Garbage
50 Ways to Yawn
Shades of Poor Writing
And then some tell you what they really think.
Not the worst I’ve read . . . No wait IT IS.
Warning: You will not be able to unread this book if you decide to try it
Wow. Jeez. Holy Cow! This book is not worth the time or money
THIS is what the hype was about?
If Crap Had an A$$hole, This Would Be Shooting Out of It
Can I give it zero stars?
I want to give this book to someone I hate and tell them it’s awesome. That’s how bad this is.
Horrified this was actually published. More horrified that people are reading it!!!
Oh my . . . am I British, American, or 14?
Oh My, Biting My Lip, Jeez
Make it go away!
Oh my. Oh crap. Holy cow. Holy crap. Holy Moses. Oh No. Frown!
My inner goddess is crying
My IQ dropped 10 points every time I opened the book!
Horribly Irresponsible and Stalker Supported
Zero stars. I’d rather read Itunes agreements
I’ll have whatever the reviewers are smoking, thank you.
A student writing this would receive an F
You have to be kidding me
Are we all just subjects of a social experiment?
The publishing world has hit rock bottom
Terrible is an understatement
Laugh out loud ridiculous!
Entertainment is crimson, er, grey, er . . geez!
Um . . . what?
Will this ever end?
My “down there” is sad that this book is so awful
A “novel” of Twits, for Twits
Complete waste of time, money, and brain space
Stockpile in case of toilet paper shortage
A literary masterpiece (if you’ve had a frontal lobotomy)
So there you go. And no, I haven’t made an official review for Amazon yet – these are from other people. These reviewers are passionately angry, like Christian when Ana breathes funny, and for good reason. The reviews are clearly written better than the book, and the book has sold millions of copies. Bad art makes us passionate, and so we strike back however we can. With snark, with puppets, with gifs, with social media, and with various misuses of Microsoft Word and Photoshop. We are readers, here us snark!
And then go take some Advil with an extra hit of Nyquil.
I was going to do a recap, and then my sensible subconscious refused to read and got in a fight with my inner goddess that loves watching train wrecks and they had this big fight and now my brain hurts. So instead of a recap this time, I thought I’d prepare a question and answer page. You’ve got questions; I’ve got answers. Not necessarily intelligent or even relevant answers, but answers. Here we go.
Q1: You didn’t read this for the lolz. You read it for the smut, right?
A1: The smut is part of the lolz. So yes, in a way. An example of said smut:
“He kneels and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no . . . Will it? How?” (Ch8 p105)
Yes, how? How did this get published? How?
Q2: Why did you cave into the peer pressure?
A2: I missed that afterschool special. I was jumping off cliffs with my friends.
Q3: Why do women act like they don’t like porn and then read stuff like this?
A3: This is not porn! This is like the best luv story since Twilight! Example:
“I will fuck you, any time, any way I want – anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me.” (Ch13 p182)
That Christian Grey! You don’t get more romantic than that, ladies.
Q4: Why are people so giggly about these books when there is real porn around?
A4: It’s not porn you guyz, it is a story of Tru Luvs! See here:
“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward. “Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here.”(Ch8 p109)
Just stick a flag in her, Christian, and be done with it.
Q5: What is the point of this book?
A5: I . . . just . . . don’t . . . know.
Q6: Four chapters and not so much as a safe word?
A6: You need safe words to read this book. I’ve been screaming mine repeatedly, but the story just keeps going anyway.
Q7: How old is this author?
A7: Asked and answered by the same person! She’s 49! No, really!
Q8: Does Ana really have all these subconscious voices that speak to her? Do they have a dialogue together?
A8: Oh, yeah, sometimes the voices fight Ana, and sometimes they fight with each other. Here’s a fun example.
“You can’t be seriously considering this . . . My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this . . . otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.” (Ch11 p152)
Girl, you’re twenty freaking one. You don’t have to take the first psychopath who comes along. I’m sure there are plenty more out there and you will find every last one of them.
Q9: Is one voice a slut and one a virgin?
A9: That’s a toughie, since I’ve counted at least three voices so far. Sometimes it seems like one voice is either sensible or slut-shaming, and the other is both childlike and sex-crazed. Which makes so much sense.
“My subconscious shakes her head. You wanted to run to the Heathman for sex – you had it express delivered. She crosses her arms and taps her foot with a what-are-you-complaining-about look on her face.” (Ch12 p167)
Just a chapter or two ago, this same voice was shaming Ana for losing her virginity to someone she didn’t know. Now it thinks she should be appreciative that Christian went to her house uninvited and sexed her up. E.L. James can’t even keep Ana’s psychoses in character! Jeez.
Q10: Does Ana have Multiple Personality Disorder?
A10: She has so many disorders. The biggest one is Dumb.
“I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?”
Nothing, Ana. When you shake your head, there is a tiny, tiny rattling sound.