Alice Goes On Vacation
Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long. I’m thinking a weekend. And I’m not going anywhere. I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day. Probably two days away is my limit. If I can handle that. Of course I can handle that. It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.
Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs. It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well. But that’s not all! There will also be a contest and quizzes too! I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you? Just me? Eh.
I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities. How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help? You’re welcome.
But wait, there’s MORE. I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog. And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation.
So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday. Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket.
Love and kisses and crap,
And that is why I get nothing done.
My family went away last weekend. They left Saturday morning. I was hoping to use this time to write on my book. Here is what I had gotten done by Saturday evening.
- I woke up at around 8:00 and ate breakfast and said bye to family and sat at the computer and did facebook and checked my wordpress and responded to some comments and obsessively stared at my stats. Also I emailed.
- I went back to bed. Woke up again at about 11:30. I ate leftover pizza. I messed around on the Internet a bit more. I searched Google Images, which is scary, in order to find pictures to represent my interviews of fictional people, which was better than the night before when I spent about half an hour trying to find the sexiest picture of Commander Riker from Star Trek. I went back to bed.
- I woke up again about 3:30. I got on the Internet.
You may be seeing a pattern here. I have a problem with the Internet. I’m not sure, though, that I have an actual Internet addiction. You see, I took a quiz – on the Internet – a while back and it said probably I had a problem, because I took the quiz in the first place, but really, I think the problem is something else. I call it insomnia + medication + lazy. Also, we recently bought a new bed.
For thirteen years, my husband and I had been sleeping on a bed that was handed down to us by someone who had slept on it for at least thirteen years as well meaning the dust mite population was probably up to 5 billion by that point. Also, it was rather uncomfortable. This mattress was made when manufacturers thought it would be the height of comfort to put buttons all over the top. My husband started sleeping on the couch and bringing cushions and blankets and leaving them on the couch all day which kind of annoyed me because that is not the Better Homes and Gardens look and I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart hates me.
So we decided to buy a new mattress with our tax return money. We didn’t realize, though, how much they charge for mattresses. They apparently are made from gold thread spun by Rumplestiltskin. So we went to a few stores and we laid on this bed, and then that bed, and then another bed. One bed was too hard, and one was too soft, and one was just right but cost a million dollars. Finally, we tried a mattress at one store that had one of those padding things added to the top and it was gushy but there was this problem that we were too close together. I couldn’t believe this was a queen mattress. I informed the mattress store people that we’d been married over ten years and really didn’t want to be that close to each other anymore. They thought it was funny, and then they realized I wasn’t actually kidding. I don’t like touching people when I sleep. I like a no touch zone during sleepy times. And I’ve touched hubby a lot by now so that’s kind of old hat.
So we went with the king mattress. It’s huge and fills up a large part of our bedroom. The kids loved it and so I had to buy them a real trampoline. They still use it. But so do my husband and me. I can’t even tell my husband’s in it with me. We call to each other from either side of the mattress. And it is major comfy – maybe a little too comfy. Because I like to sleep on it. A whole bunch.
So I got a new mattress. And I have a computer. And that is why I get nothing done.