Seven Dwarfs Go To The Mall or Why Snow White Should Not Be G-rated
Breaking news! The Things and I just happened to catch the Seven Dwarfs at the mall yesterday (It could happen). And they volunteered to be interviewed! Well most of them did – Grumpy had to be restrained. But it was all worth it, cause now we can let you see into the minds of the real stars of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – the dwarfs of course. What do they dig them jewels for? What the heck is wrong with Dopey? Why is Bashful, you know, Bashful? What ticks Grumpy off the most? Why are they still in the same bachelor pad after all these years? How have they adjusted to modern times? So many questions. Let’s get some answers.
Warning: This will ruin your childhood and possibly scar you for life. (Click to enlarge pictures)
The dwarfs each had special shops in mind, but were nice enough to wait. Mostly. First we spoke to Sneezy, while trying to avoid his mucus.
Next we spoke to Grumpy. Or rather he spoke to us.
Let’s check in with Sleepy while he’s still awake.
Let’s check in with old, reliable Doc.
Well, there’s that lovable Bashful.
Let’s talk to Happy. I could use some happy. But – what happened to his hands?
Okay, one last dwarf. Thank freaking Disney-goodness. Dopey. Aw, what could be wrong with Dopey, fan favorite?
Wow. Okay so I think that answered all my questions and then some, boys and girls! I need to get hold of some of that memory soap and see if I can reach my brain.
Any other Disney characters you’d like to peer into the minds of? I didn’t think so.
A Very Merry Interview with a Stormtrooper
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.
50 Shades Dumber’s Final Interview: Kate
Crap. I don’t get this book. I mean, we’ve taken care of Leila (I miss her so) and Snidely Hyde. Our oh-so-dramatic did Christian go boom-boom plot was resolved in one chapter. Ana has agreed to marry Captain Asshole. So why, why, WHY are there still three chapters? What important shit could be left?
Answer? NONE. In fact, I can sum up the next two chapters in a couple of paragraphs.
Chapter 20: Christian and Ana have sex in the shower. Again. For pages. And pages and pages and pages. Ana has breakfast with Jose. Christian and Jose bond over liking to fish and stalk Ana. Ana gives Christian a toy helicopter. But that’s not all! Just what do you get the man who has everything? His own stuff put in a box. No, really. Nipple clamps, a buttplug, his tie, a key to the playroom, you know, these are a few of his favorite things. That he already owns. Jeepers, thanks, Ana!
Chapter 21: Christian and Ana do it in the playroom. He puts his finger in her butt and clamps her nips. I wish I didn’t have to say that last sentence. And then. Well, you know what happens next, right? Emails. Of course.
Then Ana tells Dad about getting married and finds photos he took of his ex subs in fun poses (Is his finger in their butts? I don’t want to know.) Then she tells her mom she’s getting married (that’s what I’d do after finding nudey pics of my fiance’s exes.) And Ana wears a too-short dress and Christian’s madfaced until they do it in his office. Then she bakes him a cake. And Kate finds an email about the sex contract and she gets madfaced.
So now we’re to the last chapter. Chapter 22. Since Kate is finally back from her eternal trip to Barbados, we’ll interview her. One last hurrah. I managed to catch her during a party at Christian’s parents celebrating the engagement.
Alice: Kate. Glad to have you back. How was Barbados?
Kate: Great! Beaches, boyfriend, and no Ana!
Alice: Does sound like paradise alright. So it looks like you missed a little in the last two weeks.
Kate: Yes! I mean, there was some stalker chick and Ana’s boss was all rapey (I figured there was some reason he hired the moron) and suddenly she’s engaged to Elliot’s asshole brother. That’s a lot. Glad I missed most of it.
Alice: I wish I had. So I hear you found an email mentioning the sex contract.
Kate: I did! And I immediately confronted Ana.
Alice: What did she say?
Kate: Typical. It was none of my business and all in the past and everything was like, all happily ever after. And Asshat was hovering over her and he took the email and burned it in the fireplace. Then he says they’re getting married and I was like, wtf? And Ana says ignore the whole sex slave thing cause she’s all happy and she didn’t want me to ruin her party and all that.
Alice: Right. She has her priorities straight, doesn’t she?
Kate: Ugh. She’s such an idiot. I can’t stand her.
Alice: Then why is she your roommate?
Kate: Oh, you know, I feel sorry for her. I swear if she looked up in the shower she’d drown, she’s just that stupid. I think the university gave her that English diploma so she’d go away and they wouldn’t get sued for her getting killed on their property. I mean, really, what the heck can you do with an English degree anyway?
Alice: I have two and I can’t even get a discount on my coffee.
Kate: There you go. Anyway, I apologized for expressing concern for Ana’s safety, because at this point I just don’t care if she ends up on the six o’clock news, you know?
Alice: I know exactly. Anything else happen at the party?
Kate: There were a lot of people there. Dr. Flynn and his wife showed up.
Alice: Appropriate as always.
Kate: And his assistant Ros – she was the only one not having orgasms over Christian.
Alice: Really? A strong woman?
Kate: No, a lesbian.
Alice: Of course. Stupid me.
Kate: Mrs. Robinson came too. Elliot told me a little about her. Apparently she used to do lots of tutoring with Christian all alone at her house for hours at a time. But he never had homework in his backpack, just buttplugs and stuff.
Alice: That would make me a bit suspicious.
Kate: Yeah, well, Elliot was just glad he was keeping busy away from him. Christian has been a psychotic asshole since he came to live with them. Between Christian and that manic Cocker Spaniel sister, it’s amazing Elliot has any sanity left.
Alice: I do feel for him. Didn’t their parents notice anything was up?
Kate: Those two? I think they both got lobotomies a while ago.
Alice: That’s starting to sound like a good idea. So what happened?
Kate: Christian announced the engagement and Mrs. Robinson got her panties in a wad and trapped Ana in a room. I listened at the door. She was pissy that Ana was marrying Christian because she thought Christian was hers.
Alice: Oh, good grief.
Kate: Then Christian burst in and they argued and he said she only taught him to fuck and here’s the best part. His mom walked in next. And she finally got a clue.
Alice: Wow. After only, what, 12 years? Mom of the year.
Kate: So they talked and Ana walked off and hung out in his room and Christian came and said he would finally stop hangin’ with his former rapist and she was happy. And then he told her to eat.
Alice: Oh, I was so afraid we wouldn’t hear that again.
Kate: And then he took her to a room with flowers and asked her to marry him again and she was so flipping happy. And so was I.
Kate: Well yeah. Finally I’m rid of the nit wit. Probably for good.
Alice: Fair point well made, Kate. Oh shit. He’s gotten to me too.
Kate: At least this book’s over right?
Alice: Sure except – wtf is this end bit? It’s not in first person or told by Ana – she can’t freaking do that again! Arghhhhhh.
Stay tuned next time for my reflections on this fucking book. Laters. Shit. I hate E.L. James.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews the Demented Duo
Chapter 17 begins with Christian’s massive peen and Ana’s butt. I think there’s a metaphor for this book in there somewhere. I hate this chapter, and I’ve only read three paragraphs. Then there is sex and swaying hips and crap kill me now. What’s really bad is that after scanning this chapter a couple times, I can’t figure out anyone else to interview except one of those idiots. So I figured, kill them both with one stone.
Alice: Delighted to have you . . . shit, let’s get this over with. So what happened? Anything? I don’t suppose a plot found its way in accidentally.
Christian: First, Ana and I made love. She’s always wet.
Alice: I would recommend Pampers. I hear they are the best at stopping leaks.
Christian: Next I ordered her to eat every bite of her granola.
Alice: Still not seeing how she’s not a preschooler.
Ana: But I have a car! I’m grown up.
Alice: Does Christian let you drive it?
Ana: He did! I put on “King of Pain” on the Ipod and said it was, like, Christian’s song. Get it?
Alice: Please tell me you didn’t just insult Sting. I feel rage.
Ana: I worried I might not have a job anymore! Marry the gazillionaire. Subconscious, you rapacious bitch! (This is right from the book. No, really.)
Christian: Charming, isn’t she?
Alice: She’s fucking nuts. Next.
Christian: I gave her strict instructions on how to drive. You push that one pedal, and then that other pedal. And I started to think we should have practiced more with the Big Wheel.
Ana: But I did it!
Alice: So then you went to work.
Ana: First Christian and I talked about how we were afraid the other one might leave us and make us sadfaced. And he wanted to know if I’d marry him again.
Alice: Sheesh, it’s been, what, two weeks since you met him? What’s the hold up?
Ana: Oh, but guess what? When I got to work, Jack’s boss told me she was giving me Jack’s job. I’m, like, an editor.
Ana: And I got his big office too! After only a week of work!
Ana: So I called Christian and asked if he got me the job but he said no and I didn’t believe him and he got angryfaced that I didn’t believe him.
Ana: Then Ethan came by, they call him the blond god at work cause he is so hot, and he said I looked hot.
Alice: Wait, which one’s Ethan?
Ana: Kate’s brother. And then Christian’s sister Mia showed up and I asked them to go out together cause I was busy being all businessy and I bet they are going to fall in love!
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: Wait, he said you were hot? Are you sleeping with him?
Ana: Christi-poo, don’t be silly! I only let one man tie me up and beat me.
Alice: Just – weren’t you two supposed to meet with Dr. Flynn?
Ana: Yes. But first, Christian sent me an email.
Christian: Alice, you’re supposed to put the corkscrew in the wine bottle, not your eye.
Alice: My mistake. So then you went to see Dr. Flynn.
Ana: First I bought Christian a tiny little present but didn’t say what it was so that the reader would have to guess! Then we went to Dr. Flynn’s office.
Ana: The female receptionist saw Christian and started orgasming which was like, ew, cause she could be his mother and old women are so gross!
Alice: I hate you.
Ana: I was surprised that the charlatan’s office wasn’t like something out of Freud. Because I like to stereotype the shit out of stuff. And I told him about the NDA. Dr. Flynn asked Christian about that and he was like, yeah, I do that with my relationships and Dr. Flynn was amused.
Alice: You realize his degree is an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Kid, right?
Christian: I highly respect Dr. Flynn.
Alice: There you go.
Christian: But then he had me leave the room. I was madfaced.
Ana: Dr. Flynn noticed Christian intimidated me. I said not as much as before. And he said, like, he wasn’t surprised and then he asked if he could help me.
Alice: Just skipped right over the intimidating . . . whatever. Next.
Ana: Dr. Flynn told me my, um, “down there” had done more for Christian than any silly therapy could! And then he said a lot of big psychologyish words that I didn’t understand cause he is so smart and I’m like, not, and then he said he didn’t think Christian was a sadist cause that isn’t psychiatric term and he said that Christian just decided not to do BDSM anymore cause I didn’t want him to and I didn’t think it could be so simple.
Alice: Yeah, it can’t.
Ana: Dr. Flynn said “Why not?” He has a British accent. That makes him even more smarter. And he said we shouldn’t beat our breasts, but I don’t, I let Christian do that. Then he said Christian was emotionally an adolescent.
Alice: Finally we agree on something.
Ana: And I said I was not good enough cause I’m not quite as hot and Dr. Flynn said I was attractive and that he was so happy Christian was in love with me.
Alice: Totally appropriate.
Ana: Then Christian dragged me out of the office. And we argued about driving.
Christian: Silly girl thought she could drive her own car. Pfft.
Ana: We had a cute little spat and I pulled over dangerously, and then we fought some more and then he drove and asked me what I said to Flynn and I told him and he asked what else I said to Flynn and I told him that too and then I asked if he thought his subs were lovers and he said no and I was so surprised.
Alice: He’s said that literally dozens of times before, you moron.
Christian: And then we got to the special secret place I was taking Ana. But it’s a surprise, you won’t find out till next time!
Alice: I hope it’s a lava pit and you guys fall in and become flaming balls of stupid.
Christian: I think we should invite Alice to the wedding, don’t you, Ana?*
*I’m not going and they can’t make me. Not unless there’s a LOT of booze.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Hugo? Maybe?
If you don’t know who Hugo is by now, you have been living under a rock. An extremely boring rock. Hugo happens to be the actor playing Christian Grey in Speaker7’s rendition of the 50 Shades of Grey series. You might be somewhat prejudiced just because Hugo happens to be a puppet with a strange resemblance to Mr. Clean and no lower body parts. If so, you are clearly not recognizing true talent. Boy will you feel bad when he later gets his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, you losers.
Hugo stars with the famous actress Goofy, the previously unnamed blue stuffed rabbit. There are rumors that there is more to their relationship than just stuffing random objects up various holes. Also that he uses Herbal Essences bodywash and thus smells like a girl. And that, at the moment, he’s actually in a mental ward. Are these rumors true? Who is the REAL Hugo?
Though she hasn’t technically agreed to an interview, I figure we’ll nag Speaker until she agrees to answer the questions for a future post on her site. If anyone has any other questions, feel free to add them in the comments section below. I’m sure she has nothing better to do than to talk to puppets. Especially since her brain is falling out her ears.
Anyway, this post will allow her more time to recuperate from the trauma of the final book of Shades, so I think it’s really in her best interest. It certainly isn’t just because since being featured on her site I have gotten more hits on my site than ever before. Much more than the usual, some of which might have been my own views in my ever obsessive need to check my posts for errors. Yes, I actually check them, and they still look like this.
Without further ado, here are the questions for Hugo.
- How were you selected for your famous role?
- How are you handling your newfound fame?
- Is it true that you and Goofy are having an off-screen romance?
- Is it also true that Goofy is now cheating on you with Tickle-Me-Elmo?
- What advice do you have for other genitalia impaired actors?
- If you could say anything to E.L. James, what would you say?
- Are you secretly gay? Kate told me to ask that one.
- Is it true that you spent time with those guys in the white coats?
- What are planning next in your career?
- How DO your pants hang?
So now we’ll just wait for a response. Let the nagging commence. And I’ll see if I can catch up to any other fictional characters in the meantime.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila
Today, reader, you are in for a treat. I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila. In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure. Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest.
Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?
Leila: I am nobody.
Alice: Okay, then. How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?
Leila: Whap. Bang. Boom. Ouch. Grunt. Smack. I love you. Good-Bye.
Alice: Yeah. Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist. What happened there?
Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid. Christian came home from Georgia to see me. Score.
Alice: That sounds . . . painful. I do hope he got you some help.
Leila: His maid took me to a hospital. I don’t like hospitals. White. After Labor Day. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think. Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?
Leila: I checked myself out.
Alice: What? I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you.
Leila: Oh, he did. My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.
Alice: What? You have a terrible shrink then.
Leila: Christian assigned him to me.
Alice: Explains a lot.
Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know? If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.
Alice: That . . . what?
Leila: Coo coo ca choo.
Alice: Next question. I heard you met Ana. What did you think of her?
Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?
Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing. Also a psychotic boyfriend.
Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.
Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana? Or Christian? Or both? And if so, is there any way we can help?
Leila: I’ve been following them. It’s pretty easy. They don’t know I’m there. I watched them through the window. They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.
Alice: I don’t think I want to know.
Leila: Do you like Britney Spears? I like Britney Spears. I see dead people.
Alice: Right, back to the interview. When do you plan on murdering them exactly? And with what? A bomb? M16? Poison? I’m just throwing out ideas here.
Leila: He bought her a car. I didn’t get a car. She didn’t want it. He put 24,000 dollars in her account. I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum. Why doesn’t she want the car?
Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could. Speaking of, back to that murder . . .
Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed. She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.
Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser? What a brilliant idea.
Leila: I have to go now.
Alice: Sure. You need to get on with your stalking.
Leila: Yes. Also Bachelor Pad is on.
Alice: Good luck, Leila. We’ll all be rooting for you.
50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian
In case you’re just joining us, we’ve already interviewed two characters from Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Taylor, Christian’s assistant and most likely prisoner at the moment, and Ana herself. Lucky us. Now let’s see, who is next on my list to cover Chapter 3 . . .
Christian: You! You are the one who talked to my property.
Alice: I . . . come again?
Christian: Taylor and Ana belong to me. Everything belongs to me. You know the song. This land is my land. This land is my land. This land is . . .
Alice: That’s not how the song goes.
Christian: Why aren’t you fainting from multiple orgasms?
Alice: Cause I think you’re an asshole. And I’m not scheduled to interview you.
Christian: Yes you are. I am going to tell you about my romance with Ana now, Alice. Be prepared.
Alice: You’re seriously creeping me out.
Christian: But first I want to know, what did Ana and Taylor tell you about me? Because if you ask me questions, I get to ask questions too.
Alice: That’s not how an interview works. And anyway, didn’t you tape record it all?
Christian: Of course I did. But Ana mistook my tape recorder for a sex toy and . . .
Alice: Yeah, that’s enough! Taylor hates you and Ana is convinced you’re Jesus. The hot Jesus, like the one in that Mel Gibson movie.
Christian: Jesus isn’t nearly as awesome as I am. Now, about that romance. When she left me, I was having a dark night of the soul, so to console myself, I bought the company she works for.
Alice: You did what?
Christian: I know, right? Like Jesus could buy real estate. Moving on, we shared some very sexy emails. I am a master emailer.
Alice: You bought your ex-girlfriend’s company?
Christian: How else could I track her every movement? I have to know that she’s eating. And what she’s eating. And when. And with who. The usual boyfriend kind of thing. Oh, I discovered she ate a banana.
Christian: Isn’t she? She beguiles me! That’s why so many men want her, but they can’t have her, because she belongs to me. I have the papers and everything. She’s even registered with the American Kennel Club.
Alice: You do know she’s actually a human, right?
Christian: No, no, no. She’s a woman. Tsk. Now where was I? Oh, yes, that new boss of hers, Jack Hyde, wants to steal my Ana, and he can’t have her. I once loaned him some Tinker Toys, and he never gave them back. I can’t risk that again!
Alice: Um, how do you know he’s trying to “steal” her?
Christian: She went to Fifty’s for drinks with people from his company. He was there.
Alice: The bar is called Fifty’s? Seriously?
Christian: I had to stake my claim on my woman! It was difficult to get over to her, because women kept fainting in my path or throwing themselves upon me. They just can’t withstand my sexual prowess or the way my pants hang.
Alice: How do your pants hang?
Christian: I have no idea, but it’s sexy, damn it. I informed Jack Hyde that I was the boyfriend. And then he said he was the boss. For a moment, I thought I might have to pee on her to prove my point, but Hyde realized what a fine specimen of man I am and wisely backed down.
Alice: So you grabbed her by the hair and dragged her home to the cave. I got it.
Christian: But you must hear of our ride in the car! Taylor came to pick us up in my AUDI. I drive an Audi. It’s a fabulous car. There’s a phone in the steering wheel and everything.
Alice: I don’t think you realize the fucks I do not give.
Christian: I told Ana that I bought the company and she seemed a little annoyed with me.
Alice: I can’t imagine why.
Christian: Nor I! But I made her laugh, because I’m so witty and all, and she forgot all about being angry with me and let me into her apartment. She wanted sex, of course, but I wanted her to eat first, because my Ana must eat. I have this need for her to eat because once I . . .
Alice: Yes, yes, you went without food when you were four. We know.
Christian: Oh, crack mommy was so neglectful, which is why I am now sad.
Alice: You’re not sad. You’re a psychopath.
Christian: Ana’s cupboard was bare, not even a bone. So we had to go to the grocery store. Can you imagine? Me, at a grocery store?
Alice: I can’t figure out why there is a scene at a grocery store.
Christian: So Ana cooked, and showed me how to chop a pepper.
Alice: That’s a good skill for her to remember.
Christian: And we flirted, and bumped into one another, and the sexual tension was just so high, but I made sure she put the chicken in the fridge before we got to the sex.
Alice: Very practical of you.
Christian: And then we made love. First I took off my socks . . .
Alice: I really don’t want to hear this.
Christian: There was groaning, and begging, and she tried to suck off my royal staff of manhood and then I ordered her to have an orgasm and she did. I think the training is going well. She really responds to the Snausages.
Alice: That was . . . truly horrible.
Christian: I would love to stay and tell you more, but I am a very busy man. I have emails to compose. And mergers. I make frequent mergers. It’s exhausting.
Alice: Um, hey who’s that over there? Is that one of your old subs who is jealous of Ana and is hoping to make a plot point? Possibly?
Christian: Oh, dear. The situation! I must go!
Alice: Huh, his pants really DO hang that way when he runs.
50 Shades Dumber Exclusive Interview: Taylor
I reviewed Blue’s Clues a while back, and I’ve just realized that it is similar in nature to 50 Shades. You see, James drops clues in her book, but not just any clues. These are giant, economy size clues that you couldn’t possibly miss unless you’re as dumb as Blue’s owner. For instance there is the “clue” that Christian has some issues with food that is repeated over and over and over again. Imagine a giant blue pawprint on Ana’s forehead. I do, and it makes me feel better.
Anyway, I also compared 50 Shades to Dora the Explorer because of its repetitiveness, although now that I think of it there are so many other ways it is similar what with that explorer theme and OMG I have been reading these books too long. My point is that these books are as repetitive and obvious as a children’s program, so I figured that with the sequel, 50 Shades Dumber, er, Darker, I would try to spice up the recaps for you guys by having the characters themselves tell you what’s going on in a series of interviews. Covering Chapter 1 is Taylor, Christian Grey’s loyal assistant. Here is the transcript of the interview, written by my subconscious. Inner goddess was the photographer.
Alice: Taylor, thanks for joining us today. So, what’s it like working for Christian Grey?
Taylor: Christian Grey is a good man and an excellent boss. He pays me well and gives great benefits. For instance, not many employers will throw in Accidental Death and Dismemberment benefits for free.
Alice: Oh, I almost forgot. I managed to get you in that Witness Protection Program after all.
Taylor: Really? Thank God! I thought I was going to have to start poisoning that freak’s Trojans.
Alice: So you don’t really think he’s a great boss?
Taylor: Are you kidding? The guy is a total whackjob! He has me buy lacy underwear for his victims. Now everyone in Victoria’s Secret thinks I’m a total perv. Who does this? Who makes their employees buy women’s underwear, huh? Who? I mean I realize that there’s that part of the job description that says “and other duties as assigned” but really? He makes me order his S&M supplies. People are starting to wonder why we need so many riding crops when we don’t have horses here. And – and he can’t do anything for himself! I have to bring the idiot his bunny slippers and read him bedtime stories about crack whores!
Alice: That’s . . . interesting. What do you think of his relationship with Anastasia Steele?
Taylor: I liked it better when he had sub of the month. I hate Ana. She’s a jerk to everybody. Even the voices. She’s always talking to those voices in her head. She does this out loud but she doesn’t realize it. Christian thinks her schizophrenia is “cute”. Anyway, she thinks no one can hear her but guess what? I can. And her thoughts are stupid. You know what else I can hear? Their constant boinking in the backseat. What are they, weasels in heat?
Alice: You must have been happy about their breakup then.
Taylor: Ecstatic. But it didn’t last, of course.
Alice: It didn’t?
Taylor: Hell, no. I walked in Christian’s office a few days later and there’s Christian typing out emails to her. That’s really all he does at work. When he’s on the phone talking business, he’s not actually talking to anyone. The phone’s not even on. People just go with it. So he says I have to drive them to his helicopter, which he flies freaking everywhere because he’s such a snobby jerk. He wanted to fly Ana to her friend’s gallery opening so he can be a real douchebag to everyone there, as always.
Alice: But if they were broken up, why was she going with him to her friend’s gallery opening?
Taylor: Because the twit can’t take a bus, apparently. He offered her a ride and it didn’t occur to her to find other transportation. Did I mention she’s an idiot? Okay, so here’s what happened. He told me to drive them, because I have nothing else to do but be his slave, of course. So she gets in the car, and he bitches at her about eating because the girl’s a freaking anorexic but like it’s his business what she eats? So he’s an asshole to her, but in like five seconds the stupid girl’s in his lap. I really don’t know why he didn’t just get a Cocker Spaniel like I suggested.
Alice: It would be hard to tell the difference. So do you know what happened at the gallery?
Taylor: Yeah, I heard about it, because guess what? I’m also his bloody therapist when Flynn’s not around. He was really pissed off because her friend took all these pictures of Ana in different poses. He bought them all, and I have to tell you, they are not that exciting. Girl’s biting her lip and staring off blankly in every one of them. But that lip stuff really revs his engine. After the gallery, he said he got to second base with her in the alley. And then he took her to a restaurant because she was about to die of starvation right in front of him, apparently. He called me to pick them up, again. I was all ready to sit back and watch an episode of Bachelor Pad, too. Story of my life.
Alice: Well, thank you, Taylor, for your time. Hey, look there’s Christian waiting for you. You don’t think he’s been listening in on us, do you?
First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview. First impressions are key to snagging that job. You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin! No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that
says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job. Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are. Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money. You won’t fail to make an impression!
What are your strengths and weaknesses?