Gad. This book. Chapter 15 of Anatwatcrotch Steele’s memoirs is just, so, so double crap with a buttplug. First off, I was fairly sure I was already through Chapter 15, but no. No it was still THERE. All supposedly 18 pages of it, though I don’t really believe it was 18 pages, because I just kept turning pages and the crap just kept going, like that perverted Energizer Bunny. And I thought, I need someone who can clean up the bunch of shit that was this chapter. And then it hit me (not Christian, the idea.)
Alice: Hello, Mrs. Jones.
Mrs. Jones: Hello, Alice. You have a little Jello on your face dear. Now spit.
Alice: I don’t really . . .
Mrs. Jones: Spit into this hanky!
Alice: Okay! Gee, thanks for cleaning my face.
Mrs. Jones: You’re welcome. That’s what I do around here. I clean. So much. So, so much.
Alice: Yeah. So what’s it like working for Christian?
Mrs. Jones: Oh, the pay is nice, and he gives me this place to live. Isn’t it nice? ISN’T IT?
Alice: Yes. Um. So do you like Christian?
Mrs. Jones: Oh, he’s like the little psychotic son I never had. But cleaning up after him? All those buttplugs, Alice. There are SO MANY. And the stuff that gets on them is –
Alice: Thank you! That’s really all I need to know about that. What do you think of Ana? And Christian’s relationship with her?
Mrs. Jones: Well. She looks like all the others, of course. But she’s much more of a , what is the nice way to say this, hmm?
Alice: Bitch? Harpy? Dumbass?
Mrs. Jones: Yes. I mean, before they kept the sex in the playroom. Such a mess, I mean you wouldn’t believe what I would find –
Alice: I would. Anyway?
Mrs. Jones: It was gross, but at least the room was fairly soundproof so I didn’t have to hear all the screaming and thrusting and whatnot.
Alice: They do have sex a lot.
Mrs. Jones: A lot? They do it all the time. Almost every waking second. Except when they stop to drink, or Christian orders me to make a sandwich for Ana. Then it’s back to the fucking. They even did it on the piano. Do you know how long it took me to –
Alice: Once again, I can imagine. So anything interesting happen lately? Did anything happen? At all?
Mrs. Jones: Let’s see. Well, Ana howled and moaned and cried – and she wasn’t even having sex at that point. Christian carried her to bed, because the stupid girl can’t eat or walk for herself. I’m not sure if there really is a brain inside that head at all.
Alice: If so, it ran out of batteries years ago.
Mrs. Jones: Then Christian screamed, but it was nightmare screaming, not the other kind. Just one of the many things you learn to ignore around here. One of the many, many things you learn to ignore . . .
Alice: So then what happened?
Mrs. Jones: Then came the sex. Did you know you can hear a foil packet rip from across the house?
Alice: That’s illuminating.
Mrs. Jones: Then they talked and talked and Ana asked to see Dr. Flynn.
Alice: I hope he shows her what’s in that drawer.
Mrs. Jones: Taylor drove her to work. And then Christian got on the computer.
Alice: Oh, no.
Mrs. Jones: And started emailing Ana. This went back and forth. He was quite upset that she wasn’t using her Blackberry. The raunchy, idiotic emails can be traced on her work computer.
Alice: Did it occur to him to just stop sending her raunchy, idiotic emails?
Mrs. Jones: No. Christian was even more upset because Ana was having a hard day. Her boss, Mr. Hyde, kept yelling at her.
Alice: Because she was emailing instead of doing her coloring sheets?
Mrs. Jones: Also she was late getting to work and late with his lunch. They emailed some more. Ana continued to not use the Blackberry.
Alice: She has no sense of self-preservation and yet she keeps breathing somehow.
Mrs. Jones: Then she called during Christian’s work meeting and they kept telling the other one to hang up, no you hang up . . .
Alice: Just . . . I don’t . . . moving on.
Mrs. Jones: Mia apparently called Ana at one point – come to think of it, so did Jose, and Ethan as well. Christian tracks her calls.
Alice: Of course. No wonder Jack wants to kill the little twit.
Mrs. Jones: Mia let slip about Christian’s birthday. And then Ana and Christian sent emails back and forth about him being so old.
Alice: I hate their emails. So much.
Mrs. Jones: Well, she stopped emailing to go get a cookie since she can’t remember to eat. Taylor and Christian were all ready to pick her up from work, but she didn’t come out. Turns out Jack was trying to rape her in the break room.
Alice: Naturally. Wow. Guess that’s all we have time for today.
Mrs. Jones: There’s so much more I could tell you, though.
Alice: That’s okay. Really. I already know so much no amount of Lysol will ever, ever clean it out. Ever.*
*Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
Today we’re interviewing a brand new character, Jack Hyde, who, and this is just a guess, is set to be a bad guy in this book. Which means we’ll probably be rooting for him as well. God knows Leila needs the help.
Alice: Mr. Hyde, so nice to meet you.
Jack: Please, call me Jack.
Alice: Okay, Jack, you have a rather interesting name. Care to tell us about it?
Jack: Well my full name is Jack the Ripper Mr. Hyde Evil Bastard Boss. But really, Jack is much easier.
Alice: Okay, then. So Ana Steele recently came to work for you, right?
Jack: Yes. She was extremely qualified.
Alice: How so?
Jack: She’s hot and stupid. Also, she fetches coffee. What more could you ask for in an editor’s assistant?
Alice: Some editors might want someone who could, I don’t know, edit?
Jack: Pfft. The girl fetches really well. I can tell she’s been trained.
Alice: Yes, by her boyfriend, Christian Grey.
Jack: Ugh, that guy! What does she see in him?
Alice: He ties her up and flogs her and shoves stuff up her hoo-ha.
Jack: I could do that. This Christian Grey is a real jerk. He’s always emailing Ana. It’s annoying. She can’t finish the coloring sheets I give her, and sometimes she’s late with the coffee. Also, she has not responded to my romantic gestures.
Alice: Isn’t it inappropriate for a boss to hit on his employee?
Jack: Hey, I didn’t hire her for her brains.
Alice: Right. So they’ve been emailing each other? That’s a real shock.
Jack: Yes. “Will you move in with me? Can we talk tonight? Can we talk this evening? Can I go to this conference with Jack? No, he’s a sleazeball, unlike me. Blah blah.” And more talk about knickers. What the hell are knickers, and how do you twist them?
Alice: It’s a Britishism for underwear.
Jack: But she’s not British.
Alice: Don’t even get me started. So did you stop the emails?
Jack: Nah, I just print them out and read them alone in my office.
Jack: So she gabbed to Christian on the phone, and she emailed him some more, and she painted her nails, and she huffed the paint because it smells like grape, and I sent her to get my lunch. This made Mr. Hotshot mad.
Alice: And why was that?
Jack: Some psycho chick named Leila is stalking them or something. I don’t know. But he shouldn’t keep her from doing her job.
Alice: Which is fetching you coffee and sandwiches? Is your office located in the 1950s?
Jack: She likes fetching coffee for me. You just ring this little bell and off she goes!
Jack: I wanted her to go to this conference so we could network. You know what I mean? Network? Get it?
Alice: Unfortunately. I’m sure Christian wasn’t happy about that.
Jack: No. And somehow I was blocked from being able to schedule her flight. But no matter, I just gave her extra coloring pages and one of those seek and finds, which kept her working late with me. Then I got super close to her and acted like a creeper. She wasn’t impressed.
Alice: Weird. It works for Christian.
Jack: I know! So I asked her out, and asked her inappropriate questions, and she got all braggy about her boyfriend, and she left. Nevermind that she spent most of the workday arguing with him and being furious about him controlling her, when she could have me controlling her. I have a leash and everything. I’m not sure if her hot ass is worth it.
Alice: I’m certain it isn’t. So did she stay mad at Christian?
Jack: No. They had sex in the elevator and she forgot about it. And then some Mrs. Robinson showed up.
Alice: How do you know all this?
Jack: Well it’s not because I put a camera in her purse.
Alice: I just . . . well. Since Ana’s clearly not interested, are you going to back off?
Jack: Back off? No way. I will have Ana, and I will make Christian Grey pay! Bwahahahahahahahahaha.
Alice: You just turned green and hunchbacked for a second there.
Jack: Uh, sorry. As I was saying, I plan to challenge Christian Grey.
Alice: Great. Make sure you kill him. You should find Leila. She’s already got the gun. Ana might get caught in the crossfire, but that’s the breaks. Just, you know, FYI.
Jack: Thank you, Alice. I don’t suppose you’d like to be an editor’s assistant? I sense a position opening soon.
Alice: Yeah, tempting. But clearly James knows nothing about editing, and you’re a creeper. So, gosh, no. Thanks anyway.
Jack: Curses! Foiled again.
Alice: Is there anyone in this book that isn’t insane or creepy?
I’ve been thinking I should really add some kick-ass pics to these reviews but I’m not sure what putting the terms butt plug, psychopath, and riding crop into my search engine will tell my computer. More ads for Viagra, coming up!
Anyway, before we get to the recap, I have an important announcement. I have decided to start a blog fundraiser. “Grow Ana a Spine” should take off really fast, and I think it is a more worthwhile charity than attempting to increase the size of Christian’s heart three times. Only one part of Christian increases to three times its original size.
So Chapter 21. Here we go. Ana wakes up again, damn it, and tells us oh hey there’s a lot of light in the morning and she feels sorry for Christian again, cause deep inside that psychopathic asshole that beats women with riding implements is a sad little boy that wants a hug. Awww. Ana notes that she is adrift from reality. You think, Ana?
She finds Christian in his office doing worky talk, cause remember he’s an important businessman that knows stuff. They have sexy times on his desk. Ana thinks, “Wow, that was unexpected.” Seriously? Another sex scene was unexpected? They happen so often I find myself sounding like that squirrel from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. A-gain?
Christian’s mood swings again and Ana’s puzzler hurts. She seeks help from subconscious and inner goddess, but realizes “No- we’re all clueless.” Our heroine, everyone!
Ana goes to an interview at a publishing company run by a Mr. J. Hyde. Get it? Gosh, EL is like so creative, you guyz. A receptionist greets her but Ana’s not sure if she’s in her thirties or forties cause it’s so hard to tell with older women.
Newsflash: Ana hates all women. So does E.L. James.
Mr. Jack Hyde reminds Ana of Christian. Of course. And when he asks where she sees herself in five years she thinks dreamily “With Christian Grey.” Funny, I see her six feet under in less than five weeks, but what do I know? When Ana gets home Kate frets about how different her pal is acting (red flag, red flag) but when Ana says she thinks she’s in love, she’s like, oh, wow, you know Christian is so in love with you too I can tell by the creepy way he watches you at all times! Ana is confused again, so she decides to . . . no, just . . . not again . . . email Christian.
There is not-witty email banter and Ana asks if the maid is an ex-sub because Ana is a moron and Christian says don’t be silly that would be weird. She gets on the plane to Georgia and discovers that somebody upgraded her flight to first class. I like the security at this airport. I can imagine the conversation between Christian and the airport personnel. “I’m sorry, sir, but we have strict procedures here that oooh is that a bright shiny penny? Go right ahead!” Chapter end. Terrorists win.
Chapter 22 opens with Ana enjoying getting sloshed in first class. This book is one big advertisement for the liquor industry. It certainly makes me want to drink. Ana gets out the Mac and emails Christian. I hate you EL James. Smart girl tells Mr. Homicidal Jealous Guy that she got a yummy massage from a guy. The flight attendant tells Ana to put away her electronics. Yay! But Ana sneaks a peek at her Blackberry, because hey, email footsie is way more important than the lives of people on the plane. Even Christian points this out, after he threatens to bind and gag her in the cargo hold.
I would like to bind and gag Ana and throw her in the cargo hold at this point.
She writes one more long, simpering email to Christian and then she’s getting orange juice again (50 Shades of Grey sponsored by Discount Liquor and Juice Emporium). She makes it to Georgia where they gasp at how heavy the MacAir makes Ana’s luggage.
Does EL James own a computer? What the hell did she type this shit on?
Ana’s mom gives her man advice. She considers that her mother must be an expert because “she is on her fourth marriage.” Logics, Ana does not haves them. Christian emails Ana back with a lot of TL;DR and tells her that the sub is the one with all the power in the relationship. All she has to do is say no, after all. Yeah, um, she kind of HAS said no. Numerous times. You don’t listen, Asshat.
When he tells her he won’t bind and gag her in a crate if she doesn’t want him to, Ana is so touched and realizes she misses and loves him even though they’ve been separated for only one day. They get in another email match with “You stop emailing!” “No you stop!” “No you!” and I get the urge to bash my Nook with a hammer, but it wasn’t cheap so I shall refrain. Maybe I’ll hit myself with the hammer.
She goes to dinner with Mom, but no need to describe that because we have to get back to the emails. And Ana, she . . . she asks Christian if he’s been playing with the thesaurus. Come on, James, you know you’ve been doing that for the entire flipping book. People can tell when suddenly you toss in a word you don’t understand that you think makes you sound smart but really only confirms your stupidity. And while we’re on the thesaurus, why did you have to make Ana an English major, when clearly you’ve never taken an English course in your life? Why, why, why???
Christian says he’s having dinner with a friend and Ana is convinced it is Mrs. Robinson and she is So Mad because what if they get back together? Gee, that’s the conclusion I’d come to if my boyfriend said he was having dinner with a friend. He was getting back together with his former molester. Sure. These two freaks are perfect for each other.
They email back and forth a couple of times and Christian actually starts sounding more reasonable than Ana but then he comments that she’s been drinking too many Cosmopolitans. And Ana realizes that he’s followed her to Georgia. It’s like that moment in “Sleeping with the Enemy” where Julia Roberts realizes that her ex has found her cause he hung up all those towels neatly in a row, remember? That movie was one of those Chick Flick Romances, right? End Chapter.
“I need a doll to stick pins in, maybe that way I can vent some of the anger I feel at this stranger.”
Me too, Ana, me too.