Yup, I’m seventeen. Well maturity wise. Well, actually more like thirteen, but we’ll bump it up to seventeen for the heck of it. Just yesterday I saw a post by the awesome Becky about turning 29 and feeling old. Beck, I don’t remember 29. I think the last thing I remember was turning 24, right after my first daughter was born, and then BAM suddenly I’m 37. I have no idea how that happened.
Anyway, I also happened to see a post by Sarah, formerly Combat Girl, who took a quiz from Seventeen magazine to find out what sort of feminist she was. Well, I was all up in that, cause I love taking quizzes, especially somewhat pointless ones. So I took it, and, shock, I’m a liberal feminist. I know, your jaws are on the freaking floor, amiright?
But, you guys, there were more quizzes, and they were about very important topics. Like, not just what dress do I want to wear to prom, but what perfume should go along with it? Crap, I had no idea there were so many decisions. Yes, I realize I am not seventeen and so this is not supposed to concern me, but honestly, I wasn’t a very good teenager. While I did pick out a prom dress, I didn’t take a quiz to find out – I sort of tried it on. And I didn’t once think about wearing perfume, because it makes me cough.
But there are other topics, don’t worry. There are Twilight quizzes, vampire quizzes, “does he like me” quizzes, boyfriend quizzes, love tests, quizzes about love, and quizzes for girls. Like, um, what guy is reading seventeen magazine? Come to think of it, what girl is? Apparently me. So I took some of the quizzes, because otherwise I’d have to do something, like, productive.
I wasn’t for sure what the difference was between vampire quizzes and Twilight quizzes since, Zomg, Edward is the only vampire and he is so sparkly! And I was right. When I selected “vampire quizzes”, they were all about Twilight. Go figure. So I took one.
Quiz: Are You Team Edward or Team Jacob? (Take this quiz to find out which supernatural Twilight man is right for you!)
How about neither? Okay, here are the questions. Some of the multiple choice answers were condensed by yours truly.
1. Can you keep a secret?
a. I try, but I open my yap too much
b. yes, for 100 years, do you get it?
My answer: Depends. Are we talking about keeping a vampire secret? Because I’m pretty sure I’d out Edward and put his disco ball butt right out in the sunshine.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
a. Maybe, when you find the right person it will be forever!
b. Absolutely! Some things are meant to be!
Now I didn’t change the wording in those answers that much. The choices really are between maybe and absolutely, even though the maybe even seems to also be a yes. So – yes or yes, girls?
The quiz goes on to ask what my personality flaw is. I’m thinking the fact that I actually read these books, but I have a choice between not taking myself seriously, and not being myself. Again, aren’t both of those pretty close to the same thing? I’m starting to get suspicious.
Next it’s do you take risks, how do you act when you’re angry (if I act like a jerk, I’m perfect for either of them), and when making decisions am I guided by emotion or logic? Strike out for logic, there wasn’t any in the book. I’m not sure which guy is supposed to be the logical one here. Anyway, I randomly put in answers and got Team Jacob. Woot.
I figured I’d move on to real life boyfriends, or as real as they get in high school (think Gucci purse to match your pumps), so I chose “Boyfriend Quizzes”. Wow, so many to choose from. Am I too close to him, too far away, should I dump him, should we make out, should I just go read a book and forget about guys for a while – okay I made that last one up. I then checked out “Love Quizzes”, which had boyfriend quizzes. Then I looked up “Quizzes for Girls”, and – surprise – more stuff about boyfriends. So – teens have no other issues? Good to know!
Of course, some of this stuff made me feel even more ancient. Like, I know a lot of the shorthand, like OMG, and FYI and especially WTF. But explain to me this sentence.
Who’s your 1D BGF?
It’s a quiz, peeps, and I don’t even understand what the quiz is asking. I certainly don’ t know the answer. This really IS just like high school. But what the heck. I clicked on it, and it turns out 1D is shorthand for One Direction, the boy group no one gives a crap about, not even a lot teen girls. Seventeen says:
You already know your 1D love match, but you have to admit, the guys also seem like they’d be fun friends. Which member would you mesh most with? Take the quiz to find out whether Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall, or Harry would be your best guy friend.
Oh, so I get it. BGF is “best guy friend”. I thought it was “big groovy ferret.” I think I’d prefer that. But gosh, how will I know whether Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall, or Harry will be the pal for me? I think I can mark off Zayn right away because, seriously, that is not the way you spell Zane. And Niall – I have no idea if that’s spelled right, because I have never heard of it before. So I was down to three before I started the quiz, but then they asked if you liked the “classic” Thriller, and they just lost me right there. I don’t think I’m going to date a boy band.
So I turned to personality quizzes. I can find out if about all sorts of personalities I didn’t know existed. Like fitness personality (lazy), study personality, party personality, shoe personality, and Halloween candy personality. And, of course, bra personality. (I’m not making any of these up.) I wanted to find out my bra personality – Double D? Strapless? Those cone things Madonna wears on her boobs? Well, I clicked on it, and got an error. Now I will never know. Sigh.
I have to say, after researching this fascinating magazine, I feel older, but I really don’t care. You could not pay me to go back to seventeen. Now the body and health of one, sure, but not actually going back there. I’m actually fairly happy where I am right now.
But maybe I should take a quiz to make sure.
We’re back with Twilight II: New Moon. Fun times. I have my fellow reviewers with me. In case you’re just joining us, my fellow reviewers are my children: Thing One (12 yrs old) and Thing Two (8 yrs old). They are multi-tasking – painting nails while making sarcastic comments. I love them.
(Scene selection screen – we see silly dramatic pics of Eddy’s family, then the hottie werewolves, then the Volturi vampires (the big boss guys) in Rome. I inform the girls that they are the ones Edward going to sparkle in front of to sacrifice himself.)
T1: That’s so dumb. No wonder they want to kill him.
T1: All the other werewolves look just like Jacob
T1: It has to be PG 13 because it’s too boring for younger kids to watch.
T2: Summit, why did you turn to the dark side of movie making?
(Bella does her intro.)
T1: Dramatic line, dramatic line. You know there’s a lot of lessons you could learn from this.
Me: Like what?
T1: Don’t date a vampire
(Bella is in the meadow in a dream – she sees an old woman)
T2: Grandma don’t eat the flowers.
(Bella IS the old woman, OMG. Wakes up, Dad comes in.)
Dad: How’d you get so old so fast?
Me: Hahaha, you old fart 18 year old.
(Bella goes to school)
All the kids are flirting with Bella of course)
T1: Why do they like her?
(Edward comes walking over, shirt flapping)
T1: Handsome vampire boyfrieeend woooo . . .
(Edward kisses her)
T1: He still doesn’t know how to kiss. Hey, no PDA people
(Jacob shows up. Wolf poop’s gonna hit the fan. He still looks like Pert Plus, but with muscles)
(T2 runs from the room, comes back with a Ken doll stuck upright in a pencil cup full of peppermints.)
T2: See my Jacob statue?
(Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher – we pause it for a minute – it’s like he’s dangling it in front of her. Perfect. She likes bright shiny objects. You HAVE her Jacob)
(They go into the school. Alice gives Bella a gift. Bella is all annoyed)
Alice: Oooh, I saw you open it, and you love it! Squeal!
Me: I hate her.
(In class –they’re watching Romeo and Juliet – only the Mike guy is realistic, nearly falling asleep)
T1: yeah, how many times has Edward watched this?
(Flashback to Bella getting bitten)
T1: Happy memories.
(They go to Edward’s house. He talks about the Volturi (some femmy vampire council or something). Volturi vampire tears off a vampire’s head – POP!)
T1: Actual vampire deaths?
(Eddie and Bella get romantic again)
T2: Oh, nooooo. You are NOT a vampire
(Birthday Scene – ooooh boy!)
(Rosalie gives her a gift – her expression says: Here’s my gift, I hate you)
T1: Why take pictures when they can’t show up in them?
Me: You’re still thinking of real vampires.
(Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper– blood – papercut sends Jasper into a frenzy. He runs for Bella. Edward protects Bella by flinging her into a glass table that cuts her up for real.)
T2: Now THIS is what I’m talking about! Action!
(They take away Jasper. Damn.)
(Carlisle sews up Bella.)
T2: Stop talking, and get to the action. BOO.
Me: You’re gonna be disappointed, sweetie.
(Eddie drives her home. Once again Bella is wounded after a night out with Eddie)
Bella: Change me. You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandma.
Me: Yeah, she’s not shallow. Pfft
Edward: Do you not understand my feelings for you?
Me: I don’t.
Bella: It’s my birthday. I ask one thing. Kiss me.
T1: He doesn’t know how to kiss.
Me: Oh, the angst, the angst!
(Bella goes to school, no Edward. Eddie goes in her room.)
T1: Romaaaaanticccc montaaaage
Edward: Let’s take a walk in the forest. We have to leave Forks.
Me: Blah blah blah
T2: Mommy, hey, look at T1’s nails! (way more interesting than the movie)
T2: Stare, stare, stare.
Edward: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.
T1: Yeah, right, there are 3 more movies
T2 hits pause: Okay, we’re done with part one!
T1: Hey, this is gonna take us four parts, aw.
T2: I want to do fun stuff. That’s NOT watching Edward and Bella. They’re about to kiss anyway.
(We convince her to at least finish the forest scene. Edward leaves Bella in forest. Dramatic music, Bella runs around and gets lost. It’s dark.)
T2: Come on, Jacob!
(Bella falls, stays on the ground, curls in fetal position, dramatic camera swirl.)
T2: Stop sucking your thumb.
End Part One