Tag Archives: Jeremy Irons

Post? What Post?

This post is hereby dedicated to all the posts I forgot to do.  The ideas I said I’d surely continue but never did.  I’m not sure if anyone has noticed this, but about the only ‘series’ I have actually finished is 50 Shades.  That’s a bit sad.  I’m not sure if I have ADD – but I do know I have CRC (can’t remember crap).  Fortunately, either my readers also have CRC or they just don’t care if I finish or not.  But just for the heck of it, I thought I’d bring up the number of ideas I had and then abandoned.  Thanks to this guy.

What'd I do?  Huh?  Got any nuts?

What’d I do? Huh? Got any nuts?

I started with this October and worked my way backwards, cause that’s how I roll.  Backwards.  Anyway, I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I never did go back and finish the movie recap of this little gem:

I just know you're on the edge of your seat waiting.

I just know you’re on the edge of your seat waiting.

Oddly enough, I have not heard any clamor for, hey, Alice, you only did the first like 15 minutes of this movie!  We really want to see more!  Like more of Jeremy Irons and his No Good, Very Bad Day.

Why, Jeremy, why?

Why, Jeremy, why?

But that’s not all!  Surely you guys remember . . .

Boppo!

Boppo!

My little creation from the disturbed computer game The Sims 2.  haven’t tortured this guy in AGES.  My kids have been most disappointed because I am apparently raising them to be virtual killing machines.  Anyway, I do intend to get back to Boppo eventually, but I got distracted by a little side project that I think you might enjoy even more.  Here’s a sneak peek.

Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .

Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .

Who else have I forgotten?  Well, this lady technically belongs on the Wonder Twins blog (see above in the headings for yet another plug for my other blog) but she has been strangely absent.

Mary Alice, where are you???

Mary Alice, where are you???

I’m not sure if the cleaning fumes got to her or she finally had a complete meltdown, killed her husband with a frying pan, and then ran off to the nuthouse.  More likely she’s just still vacuuming.  On the plus side, Marlene has been keeping up appearances.  Marlene is a lot more interesting.  Maybe Mary Alice should find the trampier side of Sears.

Another thing you’ve been missing but you probably haven’t realized you have, which is highly dangerous for your astrological welfare, is my horoscope readings.

Is Jupiter aligned with Mars?  How will you ever know without ME?

Is Jupiter aligned with Mars? How will you ever know without ME?

Just because I get my predictions from the likes of Dove candy wrappers and my own feverish brain does not mean they are any less accurate than the ones you get in your daily paper.  Your newspaper.  You know, it’s made out of newsprint and they throw it on your sidewalk and . . . what’s newsprint?  Oh, never mind.

Speaking of people who can’t read anything longer than a Cosmo article (this includes me), there’s Bambi!  And Dick Head!  The stars of my 50 Shades parody (I swear I can write about other stuff.  Maybe.).

It's me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!

It’s me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!

I wrote parodies of the first two books but the last one remains unfinished.  It could be because every book in the real series is just a repeat of the one before that, but still.  If I finished the real books, I should finish further insulting James with my parody.  Right?

Oh and there were others, like my weight loss quest (pfft) and my yoga to make me relax quest (double pfft) and so on.  I’m not sure when or if I’m getting back on that horse.  Horses.  Whatever.  Anyway, this was basically the equivalent of a flashback TV show where they insert a bunch of old crap rather than coming up with new stuff, only this post has even less production value.

I guess what I’m wondering is – is there something else to write about?  Should I finish what I started?  I know, if you had ideas, you’d be using them on your blog, right?  But think about it.  Probably your blog doesn’t have much room for squirrels, ponies and buttplugs, but mine does!  So if you have ideas, or you just want me to shut up already, please say so in the comments below.

Dungeons and Dragons the Movie: A Recap

Ah, Dungeons and Dragons.  Many of you have at least heard of this game.  Some of you have even played it.  For hours.  Or days.  Or months.  Without eating or sleeping at times.  But who’s counting.  Anyway, once upon a time, a movie studio decided to make the game into a movie.  But something went very, very wrong, for yea, this movie did suck.  And suck mightily.

I hope you didn't eat much before this . . .

I hope you didn’t eat much before this . . .

But in a delightfully funny way, if you are easily amused as I am.  Once again we’re dealing with a story that takes itself quite seriously, and thus looks even more ridiculous than it would if it were a straight up parody.  The film stars Jeremy Irons.  No, I’m not kidding.  I’m not sure how they got Jeremy to act in this pile of cinematic poop, but I can only guess the kidnapping of close family members was involved.  The film also stars a Wayans brother, so, well, just “be prepared” as Scar would say.  Right, Jeremy?  Stop crying.

Okay, so we start the movie in a bunch of fog.  It won’t get any clearer than this.  A dramatic voiceover tells us that this kingdom is ruled by mages who have magic who are meanies to the peasants who don’t have magic.  Also there’s this child empress who is nothing AT ALL like the one in that Neverending Story or Star Wars, cause this is totally original stuff, you guyz.  Oh, and there’s a bad guy, the evil mage – this is where Jeremy comes in – named Profion.  Even his name makes me giggle.

Fab-u-lous!

Jeremy is Fab-u-lous!

The fog clears and we get overly dramatic music as the camera zooms us around the computer animated castle.  Don’t worry if you don’t get a good glimpse here, they will show it to you again.  And again.  And AGAIN.  Anyway, we open in a dungeon with a bunch of guys slaving at . . . something.  A circular doohickey like you might find on an an office desk next to the Newton’s cradle.  Whatever the thing is, it must be heavy to pull, or push, or whatever they’re doing to it.  Then in comes Jeremy, flapping his cape with dramatic flourish.  I nearly fall to the ground laughing.

He takes a wand out of the circular doohickey, and man is he happy with that wand.  He releases a dragon, so three minutes in and we’ve had a dungeon and a dragon.  Let’s go home.  Wait, no?  Oh, fine.  Jeremy hams it up some more (I think that’s what his script says.  Ham.  More ham.  Please more ham.  Gooood.)  Jeremy tries to control the dragon, but no good, so he drops the gate on him just like in Star Wars oh wait.

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow

Should we give you guys some time alone or something?

Should we give you guys some time alone or something?

And we have a dragon . . .

And we have a dragon . . .

Jeremy, you're gonna have to give us a little more ham, there.

Jeremy, you’re gonna have to give us a little more ham, there.

So the blood (which looks nothing like paint) flows into the river and turns into fire blah blah and then we see our, uh, heroes.  The Wayans guy and Skippy the thief.  Oh, sorry, Snails and Ripley.  Yeah, I know, I prefer Wayans and Skippy myself.  Snails has all the appeal of Jar Jar from Star Wars – in other words, you want to kill him immediately.  I get that he’s the “comedy relief” but he’s neither funny (not intentionally) nor relief.

Our heroes, everyone.

Our heroes, everyone.

Well, Skippy gets the bright idea to rob The Magic School.  No, really, that’s it’s actual name.  Not Hogwarts.  Not Le School De Magica even.  Nope.  The Magic School.  We’ve got a looooong way to go, my friends.

Yeah, man, the MAGIC school . . .

Yeah, man, the MAGIC school . . .

Back we go to another whooshing CGI of the castle (no. 2) and we have Jeremy all stylin’ again, talkin’ smack against the empress to the council, which looks like something out of the Muppet show.  Anyway, the empress is “only a young woman” so what threat can she be?  I hope she kicks his butt.  I doubt it, but hope remains eternal.

We must take the scepter and shout Hallelujah!!!

We must take the scepter and shout Hallelujah!!!

It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights . . .

It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights . . .

Finally we meet the empress, who looks about twelve and acts around eight.  But, but, how could he get control of the council just because I am totally transparent and stupid?  Gee, I dunno Pollyanna.  Anyway, Santa, her advisor, tells her she has to get hold of this “Rod of Sevrille” or something, I just remember it was a, um, rod.  And it controls the red dragons which means . . . something. Naturally Jeremy is all over this rod thing.  He tells his buddy, a blue lipped guy I like to call Bluto, to go fetch some scroll that has something to do with the rod because . . . I don’t care.

Empress Pollyanna - but we all deserve to be equallllll . . .

Empress Pollyanna – but we all deserve to be equallllll . . .

Jeremy's right hand weirdo, Bluto the terrible.

Jeremy’s right hand weirdo, Bluto the terrible.

Back we go to Skippy and Snails.  Snails is whining more than the child empress and I want to hurt him.  He falls on his face.  Not good enough.  He and Skippy start robbing.  Meanwhile, elsewhere in “magic school” we meet Santa’s helper, a magic girl, no doubt, who works in a library looking place and wears glasses so clearly we’re dealing with someone intelligent with a stick up her rear.

Santa's helper librarian.

Santa’s helper librarian.

Santa uses pixie dust to try to decode the scroll but it doesn’t work so he sends librarygal over to get him some “magic wig” or something.  It was magic.  The idiot thieves release some loud magic stuff and so librarygal (let’s call her LG – she has a name, but I don’t care) goes to check it out.  Immediately Skippy and LG start snapping at each other, so you know they’re gonna be doin’ the magic tango before the movie’s over.  Can we go home now?  No?  Right.

LG catches our heroes.  Sigh.

LG catches our heroes. Sigh.

She hears Santa being attacked so runs to help him, dragging the two idiots along with a magic rope.  Bluto is torturing Santa, who throws her the scroll right before Bluto offs him.  LG then scoops up some magic dust and shoots Bluto across the room.  Then she uses what looks like the same magic dust to make a portal into which she runs, dragging the thieves with her.  I need to get some of that dust, talk about multipurpose.

Plot convenience playhouse presents act one . . .

Plot convenience playhouse presents act one . . .

She runs off and Bluto and his men follow.  Suddenly, she has no idea what to do, being only a girl, so she has to free Skippy who pulls out his sword.  Oh, woot.  Then this dwarf shows up (no I’m not making this up please say my creative writing is not this bad) and he has some sort of seizure that I think is supposed to be funny.  It’s mostly disturbing.

Wait a second, she was using magic a second ago . . . d'oh

Wait a second, she was using magic a second ago . . . d’oh

Now it's time to make fun of short people.

Now it’s time to make fun of short people.

They all escape into the sewer (where have I seen this before, oh where???) and Bluto posts guards rather than wade in poop himself.  Yeah, well, do the viewers get a choice, Bluto?  No, we don’t.  But we do get a break. Part Two next time.